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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Aug 5, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: My mother and I were close growing up. However, when I was in college she abandoned the family (my siblings were in high school and elementary school) for her much younger boyfriend.

Since then, our relationship has been strained, particularly since I learned she used to tell her then-husband she was visiting me when she was carrying on her affair. After that, I learned about additional lies she had told me throughout my childhood.

I'm married now and have two young children. Until a year ago we lived in the same city. Mom never came around much because she was preoccupied with finding new boyfriends to support her. She has since moved out of state and stalks me on Facebook, harassing me to get Skype so she can talk to my children.

My mother has never apologized for her actions to anyone and thinks we should just "get over it." Because so much has come out about her, I want to protect my children from being hurt by her the way I was.

I can't tell her outright that I don't want much to do with her for fear it will send her into an "episode," and I don't want my kids caught in the crossfire. If I try to sugar-coat what needs to be said, she won't get it. What should I do?-- FRUSTRATED DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Frankly, you'll save yourself a lot of grief if you just tell your mother you're not getting Skype and the reason why, and let her have her "episode." As a parent, you have every right to insulate your children from anyone you feel might be a negative influence -- and that includes their grandmother.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend for more than a year and we are considering marriage. I am 23 and have never been dissatisfied with the way I look.

The other day he told my friend that when we get married and become financially stable, he would pay for a boob job for me. I'm offended, mostly because I don't want one and don't think I need one. Do you think this speaks to his character (or lack thereof)?-- NOT GOING UNDER IN LOUISIANA

DEAR NOT GOING UNDER: No, I think it speaks to the degree he assumes he can control or make choices for you. That he would say something like that to one of your friends without having discussed it with you is rather disconcerting. I don't blame you for being offended.

DEAR ABBY: I operate a small Internet radio station out of my house in Texas. I play music 24/7, except on Saturday nights when I usually do a live talk show. A topic I raise every year coincides with my birthday. I announce to all who are listening that I have designated this day as Mind Your Own Business Day.

On this day, my listeners are reminded that if they disapprove of someone's choice of mate, clothing, religion, favorite music, pets -- and anything else that may be personal and nobody's business -- to keep it to themselves.

Would you be willing to mention this in your column and help me spread the word that while everyone has a right to an opinion, it doesn't mean everyone should be forced to listen to it? Thanks in advance.-- JIM IN TEXAS

DEAR JIM: Not only is your message succinct, your idea has merit. If more people followed your philosophy, it could eliminate a lot of conflicts, not to mention headaches.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#2
Aug 5, 2013
 
1: Swap boyfriend for every illness you can find, and you have my mom. It took me in my 30's to see all the lies she told me growing up (especially about my dad, ruining our relationship). I'd cut her out if it weren't for the rest of my family, and you can bet your sweet buns my kid(s) won't be around her for extended periods of time.

2: Um, yes, it speaks to his character, for the reasons Abby stated. He cares about something he shouldn't, spoke to it to someone he shouldn't, and probably has a few more of these signs if you'd stop talking marriage and listen.
The insecurity will gnaw you into oblivion. Seriously reconsider this.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Aug 5, 2013
 
1 Why cant you see that it is all about her, and you should do as she says?

2 I guess you just ignored him every time he said "Honey, I wish your boobs were bigger"

3 Dear Jim, how about you blowitoutyourass? You should take your own advice and quit preaching!

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#4
Aug 5, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
3 Dear Jim, how about you blowitoutyourass? You should take your own advice and quit preaching!
Dear Abby: We are a group of people who, on a daily basis, post on an internet site (you know, the world wide web) to critique your letter writers and your answers. Most of use will quite often suggest to your letter writers to MYOB. Don't you think that's a good idea if people would follow that advice?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
Aug 5, 2013
 
Ha!...uh, wait...
dahgts wrote:
<quoted text>
Dear Abby: We are a group of people who, on a daily basis, post on an internet site (you know, the world wide web) to critique your letter writers and your answers. Most of use will quite often suggest to your letter writers to MYOB. Don't you think that's a good idea if people would follow that advice?

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#6
Aug 5, 2013
 

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LW1: Id just tell her how I felt and let her have an episode. Unfriend and block her on facebook, if need be.

LW2: He sounds pretty immature, which given your age is understandable.

I dont see any control here, tho. He said he would pay for you to have one not that he would make you have one.

Still, the guy is pretty clueless about women and how you should talk to them. They like to be reassured that they look good.

Also, unless he knew you were in favor of the idea and okay with him sharing, its kind of rude to talk about that with your friend.

LW3: I wish the day you wrote your letter to Abby you had instead decided it was Keep Your Boring Story To Yourself Day.

Since: Feb 10

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#7
Aug 5, 2013
 
Tell her that you have gotten over it - and her. I don't understand how the kids would get caught in the crossfire of her "episode" if she lives in another state and you cut off all contact with her. That's only going to happen if you allow it, by buying into her drama and giving her access to them.
Just don't do it.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#8
Aug 5, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Ha!...uh, wait...
<quoted text>
I just couldn't resist. Just the b!tchy southsider coming out in me.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#9
Aug 5, 2013
 

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1- You're determined to hate your mother. Anyway, you're still letting her control you. I agree with Amy and others. Tell her flat out. Let her have her episode. She's a grown woman, she can handle it.

2- If he's willing to pay for it, why not?

3- Screw you!

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#10
Aug 5, 2013
 
L1: Quit worrying about someone else's "episode" and take control of your life. Tell her "no". And I would unfriend her from FB. I wouldn't have "friended" her to begin with.

L2: That's so wrong to bring it up to your friends and not the LW.

L3: Alrighty then.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#11
Aug 5, 2013
 
LW1: Let her have her "episode" and block her on FB. She is no longer your problem.

LW2: I wonder if it was said more as a joke and the friend recounted the story badly or is trying to put the BF in a bad light.

Why don't you try talking to HIM about it instead of Abby?

LW3: Preach it, RACE!

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#12
Aug 5, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
L1: Quit worrying about someone else's "episode" and take control of your life. Tell her "no". And I would unfriend her from FB. I wouldn't have "friended" her to begin with.
What happened to rethinking respect?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#13
Aug 5, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
What happened to rethinking respect?
Keeping your distance does not mean you do not respect someone as a person. You can understand their trials and tribulations, that life isn't easy. Doesn't mean you should interwine your life with theirs.

Respect has nothing to do with self protection. Two different items.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#14
Aug 5, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Keeping your distance does not mean you do not respect someone as a person. You can understand their trials and tribulations, that life isn't easy. Doesn't mean you should interwine your life with theirs.
Respect has nothing to do with self protection. Two different items.
I'd say when you want nothing to do with a person because of how they have acted in their life that you by definition have no respect for them as a person.

Also, deciding you want nothing to do with someone, often times has nothing to do with "self protection," as is the case in this letter. Clearly the LW has no respect for her mother, nor should she given how she has behaved.

Also, regardless of what has transpired in the LW's mother's life, her behavior is inexcusable. Having bad things in your life isn't an excuse to treat others poorly, which is something you fail to realize.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#15
Aug 5, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I'd say when you want nothing to do with a person because of how they have acted in their life that you by definition have no respect for them as a person.
Also, deciding you want nothing to do with someone, often times has nothing to do with "self protection," as is the case in this letter. Clearly the LW has no respect for her mother, nor should she given how she has behaved.
Also, regardless of what has transpired in the LW's mother's life, her behavior is inexcusable. Having bad things in your life isn't an excuse to treat others poorly, which is something you fail to realize.
I happened to disagree with you on that. I can respect someone as a person but yet not want them in my life for whatever reason.

Having bad things in your life doesn't excuse the person from treating anyone badly -- it does, however, give perspective about where there actions stem. Perspective.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#16
Aug 5, 2013
 
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I happened to disagree with you on that. I can respect someone as a person but yet not want them in my life for whatever reason.
What reason would that be? Give me an example where you would not want anything to do with someone, but would respect them as a person.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>Having bad things in your life doesn't excuse the person from treating anyone badly -- it does, however, give perspective about where there actions stem. Perspective.
Perspective is only useful if you are a therapist (or playing a wannabe therapist) and are trying to treat someone. It doesn't make bad behavior, any less bad, hurtful, or tolerable, and unless someone is willing to use this perspective to work on themselves, it's pointless to subject yourself to bad behavior unless you are a masochist.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#17
Aug 5, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I happened to disagree with you on that. I can respect someone as a person but yet not want them in my life for whatever reason.
Having bad things in your life doesn't excuse the person from treating anyone badly -- it does, however, give perspective about where there actions stem. Perspective.
I can understand and appreciate where someone's bad actions stem from, but that doesn't necessarily mean I will respect them. Just "get them" better. But respect is earned.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#18
Aug 5, 2013
 
Stina wrote:
<quoted text>
I can understand and appreciate where someone's bad actions stem from, but that doesn't necessarily mean I will respect them. Just "get them" better. But respect is earned.
Right. I agree with you. It doesn't necessarily mean you will respect them. I can see that.

For me, it doesn't mean I've lost total respect that they've previously earned.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#19
Aug 5, 2013
 

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Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
What reason would that be? Give me an example where you would not want anything to do with someone, but would respect them as a person.
<quoted text>
Perspective is only useful if you are a therapist (or playing a wannabe therapist) and are trying to treat someone. It doesn't make bad behavior, any less bad, hurtful, or tolerable, and unless someone is willing to use this perspective to work on themselves, it's pointless to subject yourself to bad behavior unless you are a masochist.
I agree. It is pointless to subject yourself to bad behavior.

If you want an example where I would not want anything to do with someone but yet respect thtem, it's on the other thread that you're trying to argue with me.

I'm not a therapist, I don't want to be a therapist but I live my life and I apply things I learn. For me at least, you can learn a great deal from history.

Since: Jan 10

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#20
Aug 5, 2013
 

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L1: How she hurt you? YOu were an ADULT when this started. If anyone has a right to complain about being abandoned by m,ommy, it's your younger siblings who were still young and in school. Your mom got tired of being a parent and wanted to live her own life. Sorry for your younger siblings, that meant they were out and boyfriend was in. But you really need to suck it up and stop acting like you were 12 when your mom went nuts.

L2: He will needle you until you get a boob job. DTMFA.

L3: I suspect you included the web address of your "station" but Abby removed it.

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