“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Oct 15, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 19-year-old girl in my third semester of college. My boyfriend, "Tom," attends a community college nearby. Both of us live with our parents. I have had only three boyfriends in my life, and Tom was my high school sweetheart.

Tom just proposed. I immediately accepted, but now I'm second-guessing my decision. We're just starting our adult lives, and I'm still learning what that entails. I want to study abroad during college to enhance my experience of the world. Also, because neither of us has ever moved beyond our childhood homes, I think we should both have more exposure about the world beyond.

Everyone is supportive of us, including our parents. I will always be committed to Tom and I trust him completely, but I feel that by prematurely locking ourselves in, we're setting ourselves up for failure. Am I overreacting?-- FLEDGLING FIANCEE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR FIANCEE: Not at all. The points you have made in your letter are well-reasoned. You are very young to be making a permanent commitment, and you're both entering a period of growth -- and possible divergence in your level of life experience. Tom may have proposed because he was afraid if he didn't, he might lose you now that you're attending different schools.

Tell Tom you care for him deeply, but think you jumped the gun. Make it clear that you would like to keep seeing him, but on a nonexclusive basis until you return from your studies abroad. I agree that by prematurely locking yourselves in, the odds of the relationship not lasting are high. Be sure Tom understands that you aren't trying to end the relationship, only postponing the engagement.

DEAR ABBY: I was always a laid-back and easygoing person. But I was in a terrible car accident, and ever since I have suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. I have received counseling and function pretty well as long as I remain in a calm environment.

My problem is that my husband's family comes to visit each year for anywhere from four to eight days, and when they're here my stress level is very high. Their last three visits resulted in my getting migraine headaches, which I had never experienced before, as well as TMJ (pain in my jaw) and painful neuropathy, which the doctor explained was brought on by stress. It has lasted two months.

I like my in-laws, but I am unwilling to deal with more pain as a result of their visits. My husband doesn't want to send them to a hotel, which I understand. Therefore, I feel that since this is my problem, I should move to a hotel during their visits. What do you think, Abby?-- PUSHED TO THE LIMIT

DEAR PUSHED: Unless this is handled delicately -- and by that I mean carefully explained to your husband's family -- it could cause hurt feelings. Surely your in-laws are aware of your car accident. What they may not be aware of is the lingering damage it has caused. Your husband should explain this to his relatives and ask if they would mind staying elsewhere because of your medical condition.

If you can tolerate their "tumult" on a limited basis, this might solve the problem. If not, then I agree you should stay elsewhere so they can have a good time together. However, this should happen with full disclosure and preferably no hard feelings. If you can see any of them individually for a short time, you should make every effort so they won't feel you are avoiding them for any other reason.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Oct 15, 2013
1- "Make it clear that you would like to keep seeing him, but on a nonexclusive basis until you return from your studies abroad."

There ya go. She's giving you permission to be a wh0 re.

2- Admit it, lady, you don't like your inlaws. You're allowing yourself to become stressed and just using that as an excuse.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Oct 15, 2013
1 . Tom may have proposed because he was afraid if he didn't, he might lose you now that you're attending different schools.
Tell Tom you care for him deeply, but think you jumped the gun. Make it clear that you would like to keep seeing him, but on a nonexclusive basis until you return from your studies abroad.
Yup, aby giving the girl a hall pass to screwaround, and blaming the man as an immature control freak afraid of loosing her. The possibility that the guy might actually be in love with her is never even considered. Cause nobody ever marries their HS sweety and lives happily ever after.
2 At first I thought there was a whole family moving in, which I could see as causing her stress, but it's just the inlaws (just the mom+dad), so I am calling BS. I doubt the parents are that noisy (unless they bed is banging on the wall)

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Oct 15, 2013
1. While I do not agree with the Dog, if LW and Tom do eventually get married she should expect tat at some point he will accuse or at least ask her a question in the Edog mode. Guys who propose early when the GF has intentions of going away for a while are generally trying to lock things into place and do not take kindly to being told they have jumped the gun.

LW talks about her husband's family, not just MIL and FIL. I wonder if things would be easier if the entourage was left at home. The rest of the family might enjoy that too especially if they are teenagers

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#5 Oct 15, 2013
L1: Jumped the gun? Nonexclusive? Yeah, say those things and see how well it goes over. Just tell Tom you want a really long engagement.

L2: YOU are considering leaving your home to go to a hotel because of houseguests? Does that not sound effed up to you and/or your husband? Geez.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Oct 15, 2013
LW1: Being engaged didn't seem to stop Miley Cyrus from doing anything.

I don't see this ending well, whichever way she plays it. This guy is going to take her postponement as a signal that she will never marry him and he will probably leave for good.

LW2: Geezus, you can't get a prescription for xanax while they're there? This stress is self-induced and you know it. Either you're worried about the place being clean enough, or if they're having a good time; you just need to stop with that BS. You can hire a cleaning crew and then let the rest go.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Oct 15, 2013
LW1: Thatís kind of young and I donít think itís a good idea to get engaged when neither of you are close to being self-sufficient. I think being engaged for anything much longer than a year before you marry is also kind of silly. So if tom is wanting to get married soon, that sounds like a really bad idea.

To be honest, tho, these are the sorts of things you should be able to discuss before you marry. I surprised my wife when I proposed, but in another sense it was no surprise because we had talked many years about getting married and about when we wanted to get married. I think the specific moment when I proposed was a surprise, but not that I was going to propose.

I donít think a marriage proposal is something you should just spring on someone, because under those circumstances, it puts them on the spot and it can be hard for them to give you an honest answer.

Having said that, youíve already said yes Ö I would just go with it and if and when you decide you donít want to be with him anymore, break it off then, rather than say, you know Tom, I changed my mind because I want to go study abroad and fí other dudes before I settle down. Still you should hold off the actual nuptials until you can be self-sufficient as a couple.

LW2: Xanax
Cass

Claremont, CA

#8 Oct 15, 2013
LW1 - That's quite a jump - from accepting a marriage proposal to going non-exclusive. What's wrong with saying at this point that this will be a long engagement because you want to finish college and start your career before actually getting married? Saying you want to be non-exclusive is tantamount to dumping the guy.

LW2 - Your husband doesn't want to send his family to the hotel, but he seems to be willing to send you to a hospital?(A) Talk to him and explain in no uncertain terms what having houseguests means for your health right now.(B) Go back to counseling.(C) Talk to your doctor about getting a prescription medication for your anxiety/depression/stress.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Oct 15, 2013
L1: I'd be honest with the guy. If it was meant to be then it will happen.

L2: They seem to visit often. I understand how inlaws can be that bad. Plus, anything out of the normal day-to-day can be stressful.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Oct 15, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
L2: YOU are considering leaving your home to go to a hotel because of houseguests? Does that not sound effed up to you and/or your husband? Geez.
funny how you and i can agree on this, but if either of us were to elaborate further, our opinions would be polar opposites

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#11 Oct 15, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>funny how you and i can agree on this, but if either of us were to elaborate further, our opinions would be polar opposites
:)

Just like how we both love college football, but if we elaborate....

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#12 Oct 15, 2013
LW1: I am with Sublime here. But LW seems like she is mature and thinking realistically and clearly, which is a good thing. She needs to establish herself first before jumping into marriage.

LW2: I am with squishy here. I think it's totally self-induced.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#13 Oct 15, 2013
And, it's another tie for first place between jmw and Sublime. Both have good answers.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#14 Oct 15, 2013
1: Sounds mature and reasonable.

2: Sorry, but I think hubby needs to have his family go to the hotel. Some in-laws are psycho.
I don't get physical reactions, but I hate entertaining. My home is my sanctuary and I hate is disrupted.
And if my hubby had headache from my family (who wouldn't?), I would put my hubby over them.
It's called "leave and cleave," people. Your new family has your first allegiance now.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#16 Oct 15, 2013
LW1: Generally, I agree with LW that it's best to finish college and live independently before getting married, but I know several couples who married young and made it work. The rule is that there are no rules. You have to do what feels right for you. I recommend that you take some time to talk about your goals and interests and honestly assess your compatibility.

LW2: I don't mean to be insensitive but a once a year from four to eight days doesn't sound like a huge amount of stress. A bit of advanced planning and maybe some therapy should get you through it. Make sure that you have some classes or meetings scheduled during their visit so that you don't feel their constant presence and the pressure to entertain them.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Oct 15, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
L1: Jumped the gun? Nonexclusive? Yeah, say those things and see how well it goes over.
No shit. How often does that end well.
Advice Column Reader

Oakland, NJ

#18 Oct 15, 2013
1. She doesn't mention wanting to date others, so it might be fair to level with him that they should wait till they graduate to get married. Just becaause one wants to visit world landmarks doesn't mean they want to hook up.
2. She forgot to mention that she has hypochondria. A few nights at a hotel sounds great to me. Doing what you want when you want. And maid service. That could be heaven.

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