“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jan 22, 2013
Dear Amy: For several years I had a best friend, "Steve," with whom I had quite a tumultuous relationship. Although he claimed to be straight and I am gay, it ultimately transitioned into a sexual relationship quite unexpectedly, leading him to break up with his girlfriend. A few months later, my friend skipped town to try to sort out his conflicting feelings.

Overnight, he was never heard from again -- by me or other friends. He really did disappear, having told me that his sexual feelings and his behaviors were things he needed to sort through.

Cut to 13 years later -- I'm in a good, stable relationship with "Danny." We really love each other but don't have a satisfying sexual relationship.

Now, out of the blue Steve called me to say he is moving back. He said he'd love to see me and "get our friendship back on track" and get together with his girlfriend and my partner.

I acknowledge fully (and have worked through with therapists) that when Steve added sex to our relationship, I developed emotional feelings for him. But that was a long time ago.

My current partner knows all of this. I'd like to see Steve separately, to know why things happened the way they did. I know that by rehashing the past I'm potentially opening old wounds. I'm also sending a signal to my partner that someone from my past matters as much as he does.

Am I doing something wrong by seeing Steve when he's in town? Am I cheating? Should I allow myself to explore the wounds that were left in an effort to understand myself more?

-- Confused

Dear Confused: If you've worked this through with therapists and worked this out with your partner, I'm left wondering what, exactly, you hope to work out with "Steve," and how much work is required before you are finally free of this relationship.

It is not cheating to see a friend separately from your partner, but it is wrong to see someone with this sort of sexually charged shared history without your partner knowing about it. I agree with you that this is risky. A phone conversation might be best.

Dear Amy: Four years ago, after 30 years of marriage, my wife divorced me. We get along but are living in separate cities and only see each other if there is an event involving our adult children. Neither of us has remarried.

I never felt close to my in-laws. Since the divorce, three of my nieces on my ex-wife's side of the family were married, but I was not invited to their weddings.

My former mother-in-law is in her late 80s, and as I anticipate her death, I wonder if I should attend her funeral. I would rather not. Travel would be a significant expense for me, and I would be very uncomfortable. Is it important that I attend for the sake of my children?

-- Divorced Dad

Dear Dad: The way you describe the dynamic within your family, it seems that your sudden presence at this funeral would create more discomfort than the comfort you might hope to provide to others. When this event happens, you can express your sympathy from a distance.

Dear Amy: I'm responding to the letter from "Frustrated" who was accused of being overly protective and neurotic in supervising her 4-year-old son at the grandparents' home. Your suggestion was to "let your child have some freedom, but watch the perimeter."

In September, my 2-year-old granddaughter was killed trying to climb a stand which held a television. Albeit the television should not have been on that particular stand to begin with, I believe in my heart that had she been supervised at the time she started to climb, she would be alive today.

Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon incident. Merely watching the perimeter would not prevent an injury or death to a child. Kudos to "Frustrated" for knowing that it is her responsibility to keep her son safe.

-- Amaya's Gramma

Dear Gramma: Thank you for warning parents of the danger posed to toddlers by unanchored televisions. My deepest sympathy to your whole family.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#2 Jan 22, 2013
LW1: I have an ewww feeling, but I will respond, nonetheless.

I think after 13 years of not seeing him and given your past, that you donít owe him anything and should just leave things be. Tell him thanks, but no thanks, and wish him well. It might give you a sense of power over the situation, as well, and help you fully move on. Not all questions need to be answered and when you have fully moved on, you really wonít care.

LW2: What Amy said.

LW3: Watching the perimeter and having the common sense to not put your child in a room where a heavy object could crush them would have prevented the death. I donít think Amy was suggesting that you throw your child in a room with a pack of wolves and just watch the perimeter.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Jan 22, 2013
LW1: "I'm left wondering what, exactly, you hope to work out with "Steve," "

I disagree with Amby.

Whether he wants to reconnect, basic humn curiosity would make him want some answers as to how/why he could just drop off the face of the earth so suddenly, and then why all these years later does he want to reconnect? This is not a conversation that needs to happen with others present.

L2: You are not part of the family. You're children are adults. You don't live nearby. I see zero reason for you to go thru the expense of going to that funeral. Do you really think your adult children will need to cry on your shoulder vs commiserating with others who are actually mourning? Strange that you are worrying about it while she's still alive. Is she dying? How do you know she won't live another decade?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#4 Jan 22, 2013
Lw1: By all means, go ahead and pick at that scab. It will be so much better when it's a oozy mess.

Lw2: What Amy said.

Lw3: That sucks. PSA for anchoring your TV.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#5 Jan 22, 2013
1 Good lord, what will digging through the trash accomplish? Tell him you're glad he's back and carry on with our life.

2 When you diorce, you sould keep your distance unless you're invited to be closer.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Jan 22, 2013
L1: "I acknowledge fully (and have worked through with therapists) that when Steve added sex to our relationship, " Well, right there, I'm done with you. You're putting this all on HIM, and taking ZERO responsibility for your own choices. And why isn't this guy's first words to you in 13 years AN APOLOGY FOR DISAPPEARING? You are a drama queen in every sense of the word.

Also, L1: I think you need to consider ending your current relationship. Over time, the lack of great sex likely will eat away at you, and I think it's enough of a disappointment to you that you're considering the opportunity to rekindle things with Steve.

STeve's reappearance in your life is shining a light on the holes of your own relationship.

L2: No, your adult children don't need their other parent at grandma's funeral. They'll have their mom and other adult relatives. Plus, you know, they're adults. If my boyfriend's mom dies, I won't be bringing MY mom to the funeral.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Jan 22, 2013
L3: One night ont he news, they showed a very common set-up: A TV (not a flat screen, but the older "cube" kind) on top of a dresser in a kid's room.(I think it's inappropriate for a TV to be in a young child's bedroom.) Anyway, they showed how a very young child could use the dresser drawers as "steps" to get to the TV (to turn it on, turn the channel, whatever), and that the toddler's weight would pull the dresser onto them, and the TV was likely to land on the child's head.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#8 Jan 22, 2013
L1: What Ang said.

L2: What Tonka said.

L3: What Sub said.

Hitting my Staples button now... that was easy!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#9 Jan 22, 2013
1- Adam and Steve?
Has he sorted out his feelings? Does he want to rekindle a frienship, or the romance? If it's the former, then I don't see the big deal.

2- So don't go if you don't want. I don't really think the inlaws are gonna care.

3- Tragic, but is not uncommon. TV stands, and TVs should be secured.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Jan 22, 2013
1 ... We really love each other but don't have a satisfying sexual relationship....<snip!>

So what you really want is permission to get your funk on with Steve. Jebus, just man up about it.

2 Gotta lot of free time on your hands doncha? If your not close how the heck to you even know about grannies health? Thru the kids? Fine, then ask them if they want you to go, if so, then do it and play nice.

3 Team Sub.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Jan 22, 2013
L1: You sound bored and trying to bring drama into your life.

L2: You got a divorce. You can't be divorced without signing on the dotted line -- can you? You don't HAVE to show up at any of her family functions.

L3: First of all, a 2 year old is very different than a 4 year. People need to use common sense is all.
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

#12 Jan 22, 2013
1. You're looking for an o.k. to get together with Steve, knowing there is a chance it could turn physical, then you'll blame it on fate or some such crap. You're asking in a cowardly way for an o.k. to get the ball(s) rolling. If I was your partner I'd punch you in your junk.

2. Why don't you see if you're even invited/notified, then worry about it? This is really what you sit around thinking about? Get a hobby.

3. It was a euphemism, dum dum.

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