“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 16, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am in my late 70s, and my past has come back to haunt me.

My late husband and I raised lovely children, but I was an abuser. All of our children were victims of my abuse while growing up, but my daughter bore the brunt of it.

A few days ago, my daughter and I had what I thought was a mild confrontation, but it became a monster. All she can do is cry, because she says it brought back memories of all of the things I did to her during her growing-up years.

I have considered counseling, but I talked with another individual who said the problem of not moving on is her problem, not mine, since I have asked numerous times for her forgiveness and have prayed that God will forgive me. However, I'm not certain that I have forgiven myself.

The rest of my children, who know nothing about this issue, say that I was a wonderful mother, and yes, I did do bad things, but they have moved on and are all well-balanced citizens. My daughter is a fantastic person with a fantastic career and on her own has raised well-adjusted and happy children. When I commented to her that good kids can come from bad parents, she immediately responded, "Yeah, I think I am the one who said that to you."

I do not know what to do because it is now affecting me. Before, I had a wonderful life, full of family, my own home and a part-time job, but now my past keeps creeping into my daily thoughts, and I am miserable and don't want to see anyone. My daughter wants to keep her distance until she is "ready" to see me. We used to be very close, despite everything. I cannot change what was, but I do not want to spend the rest of my years feeling as I do now.-- Very Sad

DEAR VERY SAD: I don't know who advised you against getting professional help, but that person was wrong. Your past behavior is affecting your life negatively now, and it won't get better until you come to terms with what you did, take responsibility and make amends.

You should not ask people with a vested interest in having a relationship with you (i.e., your other children) to gauge your past behavior or tell you how you should feel in the present. The reason you should talk with a professional therapist is because this is someone who will hear your story, told in the way only you can tell it. You should encourage your daughter to join you.

Ideally, this process would lead you toward a real, deep and honest reconciliation with your daughter. I agree that it is her responsibility to come to terms with her own life, but you are her mother, you were her abuser and now you should work on healing yourself so you can help her.

DEAR AMY: We recently attended an engagement party for a family member. It was a formal affair, attended by nearly 200 relatives, friends and co-workers of the couple. In the ladies' lounge/restroom, I overheard a group of women (not family members) snickering and making unkind remarks about my sister-in-law "Bettina," who was also in attendance.

Bettina has had numerous cosmetic procedures that have not turned out well, although no one in the family discusses it.

Amy, should I reveal what I overheard?-- East Coast Reader

DEAR READER: No. You need to ask yourself, "What good could come of this?" If you can't answer this question positively, then you have your answer.

In the moment, you could have responded, "Bettina is a family member; your gossiping about her makes me uncomfortable."

DEAR AMY: I recently received a thank-you note for a wedding gift. However, the bride thanked me for a piece of china, and I gave her a tureen!

Should I try to correct this?-- Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: Yes. The mix-up might have occurred at the store (if these were registry items), or the bride might have made a simple mistake and would have thanked someone else for the tureen. Let her know.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Aug 16, 2013
1 my past has come back to haunt me.
Yea it has, I am surprised you had any kind of relationship with her at all. Be glad you at least had that. You deserve nothing.

2 Who would you tell? You just want to gossip.

3 The bride (like myself) has no frigging idea what a "Tureen" is or how to use it, so she just called it a piece of china and thanked you. At least you got a personal thanks, be happy.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Aug 16, 2013
L1: "I do not want to spend the rest of my years feeling as I do now" So it's STILL all about you, isn't it? Your daughter figured this out as well. Look, you're a piece of crap parent who bullied and abused her kid. Maybe you SHOULD feel like crap until you die, you old hag. It's called fallout. Accept it. It's all your own doing.

L2: NO, you twit! WTH is wrong with you? A friend isn't someone who runs to you to tell you the nasty things other people are saying. So I think you would ENJOY hurting your SIL with this information. What else could be your motivation? Is she supposed to undo her cosmetic surgeries?

SO far, we are 2/2 with idiots today.

L3: Well, I'd find it difficult to be thankful for a tureen (since I would never, ever use it), so maybe she made up something she'd actually be thankful for. ; ) Kidding: Amy is right, let the bride know!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Aug 16, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 my past has come back to haunt me.
Yea it has, I am surprised you had any kind of relationship with her at all. Be glad you at least had that. You deserve nothing.
2 Who would you tell? You just want to gossip.
3 The bride (like myself) has no frigging idea what a "Tureen" is or how to use it, so she just called it a piece of china and thanked you. At least you got a personal thanks, be happy.
Technically, the bride is correct -- the tureen IS a piece of china. I'm guessing now that she didn't know what it was (probably just registered for an entire set of china with all the serving pieces, without thinking much). A tureen is for serving soup at the table.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#5 Aug 16, 2013
LW1: I have no sympathy for abusers. You reap what you sow…
LW2: Sounds like she looks like a freak show. What do you expect people to think and what is saying something to her going to accomplish, except make her feel bad?
LW3: Let it be.
WTF is a Tureen?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Aug 16, 2013
Oh, you mean my turtle soup dish is a tureen?
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Technically, the bride is correct -- the tureen IS a piece of china. I'm guessing now that she didn't know what it was (probably just registered for an entire set of china with all the serving pieces, without thinking much). A tureen is for serving soup at the table.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#7 Aug 16, 2013
RACE wrote:
Oh, you mean my turtle soup dish is a tureen?
<quoted text>
Only if you do fine dining at your table. And...you only use your crystal goblets.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#8 Aug 16, 2013

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#9 Aug 16, 2013
L3: I'm thinking if the bride registered for lots of china pieces she had a generic style of writing her thank you notes without specifying each piece. I'm not sure if she should be notified. Or maybe she can't identify who got a tureen note at this point.

L1: I feel sorry for this mother but at her age I think she should just do her best to stay in touch with her daughter and just be nice. She'll probably never get over her regret of her past behaviors.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Aug 16, 2013
http://www.google.com/imgres...
RedheadwGlasses wrote:

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#11 Aug 16, 2013
Nothing but the best is ever on my picnic table!
dahgts wrote:
<quoted text>
Only if you do fine dining at your table. And...you only use your crystal goblets.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#13 Aug 16, 2013
RACE wrote:
Oh, you mean my turtle soup dish is a tureen?
<quoted text>
If it's shaped kind of like a turtle with legs, yes it is.

If you are saying you serve turtle soup out of it, who knows.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#14 Aug 16, 2013
LW1: Have you tried a sincere apology?

LW2: Sorry, I'd have to comment on someone looking like Donatella Versace too.

There's no need for you to take offense for someone else.

LW3: I'm guessing the tureen *is* china. I wouldn't say a thing.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#15 Aug 16, 2013
The former.
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
If it's shaped kind of like a turtle with legs, yes it is.
If you are saying you serve turtle soup out of it, who knows.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#16 Aug 16, 2013
L1. It sounds like LW became aware sometime in the past that she was abusive. She doesn't sound shocked by the accusation.
This is in the nature of putting one's house in order as you approach death. I don't often suggest faith based action, but this LW sounds like she needs a good pastor/counselor to help her acknowledge her role and actions and understand what steps are open to her to redeem herself, hopefully in this life.

We always see the letters from the abused person who has chosen to cut themselves out of a bad relative's life. This is the other side. I guess it comes down to a question of whether evil people can ever make good and be forgiven.

I do agree that as written the letter focus on herself rather than on the effect on her kids.

L2. Don't tell Bettina what was said. There is probably not much she can do about it.
If it was me who overheard it, I'd probably say something patronizing like, Oh dear, the reconstruction is as good as could be expected and we are all glad she came through so well. Let the biddies think they are dissing someone who had an unstated medical condition. Let them feel bad without actually saying anything.

L3. I own at least 2. Haven't been through the basement in a whole, there may be more down there. Tureens like the picture Ang posted look good in the middle of a dining room table for decoration but are not practical for use. If they are less fancy, they are excellent for serving spaghetti pre-mixed with sauce. They don't keep soup very warm and you make a mess serving soup at the table.
I have use one of mine lined with a cloth napkin to serve warm rolls. Had to do something to justify shelf space.

My vote is that the bride wrote generic thank you notes and the tureen was made of china.

That being said, when I got married the first time we got a brass thing from my husband's cousin that we had no idea what it was. 43 years later I still remember writing the note saying essentially, thank you, its lovely, what is it.

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