Posted in the Chicago Forum
Since: Jun 09
#1 Nov 30, 2013
DEAR AMY: Iíve been married coming up on 50 years. My wife strayed from our marriage bed on several occasions and, frankly, never satisfactorily explained to me why. In any event, she decided to stay married. We have gotten on well together for years and successfully raised two fine children.
My daughter wants to throw us a 50th anniversary party, at which she wants us to repeat our wedding vows. I find this to be a terrible idea.
My wife made the most solemn oath in front of a church full of family and friends, and then she broke it. While I still love her and want to remain married, I find the idea that we would repeat what was a travesty in the first place to be unacceptable.
When I told my daughter I did not want to do the vow thing, she pushed back. All I could think to say was,ďI donít need to show my commitment. Iím still here, right?Ē
She sees this as a grouchy old manís answer and is attempting to steamroll me. Meanwhile, my wife says as little as possible about why I seem to be so hardheaded about the issue. How can I stop this renewal of vows?-- Hurt Husband
DEAR HUSBAND: What stands out most glaringly is the fact that you and your wife donít seem to have talked about this. You donít know (or understand) her motivation for straying. You donít seem to have forgiven her; you have only moved on. You may feel youíve done all you need to do by simply staying married, but you sound more hardhearted than hardheaded. You deserve better.
Iíd like to encourage you to take this tremendous marital landmark as an opportunity to discuss the state of your union. Stop circling and be brave enough to expose how bewildered and hurt you feel. Talk. Listen. If you and your wife canít find a way to have this conversation, enlist the help of a counselor. Why do this? Because you are worth it.
Ultimately, you and your wife might mutually decide that a renewal of your vows will be just that ó a renewal ó and also an opportunity to start over. If you decide against it, then you will make this choice together, and if your daughter deems you both to be grumpy, then so be it.
DEAR AMY: Can a successful gambler also be a compulsive gambler? I have tripled my money in five years. But what began as a part-time hobby now occupies much of my free time. When not gambling, I am a professional with a full-time job.
I have attended Gamblers Anonymous meetings as a precaution. But almost all attendees have lost considerably, from life savings to marriages to health and sanity. Not once have I met a successful gambler at these meetings.
Yet my growing compulsion (perhaps obsession) with gambling is a major concern. Your advice is appreciated.-- Gambler
DEAR GAMBLER: Every gambler is successful before he starts losing. The very nature of gambling is that the game (whether it is day-trading stocks or playing blackjack) trips receptors in your brain to keep you playing.
The National Council on Problem Gambling ( ncpgambling.org ) released a study saying that 2 million Americans are addicted to gambling, with another 4 million to 6 million described as ďproblem gamblers.Ē
Iím going to diagnose you as a responsible person who is smart enough to seek help for a compulsion that is starting to run you. A glance around the chairs in a Gamblers Anonymous meeting should serve as a real-life lesson in useful cliches: You should beat the odds and quit while youíre ahead, before you start the tumble toward the bottom.
DEAR AMY: The letter from ďDivorced HolidaysĒ hit home for me. Honestly, I couldnít believe that you would suggest that adult children should pull in their divorced parents for a family celebration. This sounds like a holiday in hell to me.-- Daughter of Divorce
DEAR DAUGHTER: This couple had been amicably divorced for 20 years. My suggestion was for the adult children to host the celebration and invite both parents, leaving it up to them to decide whether to alternate years or attend together.
Since: Jun 09
#2 Nov 30, 2013
L1 NO. NO NO ( yes, I am yelling).
After 50 years let sleeping dogs lie.
You don't know how long ago he affairs were, the duration or the circumstances.
LW should just be more firm that he does not want to do so and accept a grumpy label. He didn't rule out a party- just the vows part.
L2 I know a kid who gambles in on line poker for a living He has done so for about 12 years since high school and now has to live in Canada or Mexico to "work". His mom manages his money for him; she segregates funds so he can't access everything at one time.
He is disciplined, a socially awkward kid who prefers a computer screen to people and isn't living high. He was a chess master too
#3 Nov 30, 2013
LW1's daughter is being rude to him. He's doing the right thing by holding his ground.
#4 Nov 30, 2013
LW1 - Tell your obnoxious daughter the truth. By my reckoning, she should be old enough to handle it.
“I Am Mine”
Since: Dec 08
#5 Nov 30, 2013
But its none of her damn business.
#6 Nov 30, 2013
LW1: First of all, just tell your daughter that you're not going to do the vow renewal, and that just because it is a popular trend right now, you and your wife just want to have a small party with close friends and family. Keep your dirty laundry to yourself. Also, you clearly "decided to stay married", too. But you obviously have not processed the resentment. Perhaps you should get some marriage counseling. Or as Amy suggests, maybe you should try talking to her. You do sound absolutely miserable.
LW2: If it's occupying most of your free time, your life is out of balance. Perhaps you need to set aside some time to do other things.
LW3: One set of parents could arrive and leave early and the other could arrive after the other has gone. One party, everyone's invited, and the people who don't get along get to work out the logistics. I like it.
#7 Nov 30, 2013
You're right, it isn't her business - to steamroll over her dad's wishes, that is. Why should he be the bad guy while his cheating wife gets to look good? She didn't cheat once but several times and now he's expected to profess his love for her again so his daughter can feel good? His daughter doesn't want to take no for an answer so give her the truth. Maybe his wife will finally apologize for what she did to him.... but I doubt it.
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