Abby 1-16

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“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jan 16, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: "Myles" and I have known each other for five years, but have grown really close over the past three. We tell each other everything, and I have fallen in love with him.

A few months ago, Myles sent me a text saying he needed to tell me a "secret." He went on to say the guy he had told me was his brother, "Jeff," is really his lover. Needless to say, that bombshell floored me.

We have discussed it in person, and I have never told him how I feel. I visit them a couple of times a month and always go home feeling hurt. I want Myles for myself, even though I know I can't have him. I don't want to lose him as my friend, but it hurts seeing him and Jeff together. How do I resolve this?-- GIRL LEFT BEHIND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: Start by being as honest with Myles as he was with you. Tell him that over the course of your friendship you fell in love with him -- and that you wish you had known he was gay before you became so emotionally involved.

If you want romance, you will have to look for it elsewhere. In order for you to find it, I cannot stress strongly enough that you will need to feel good about yourself. Stop torturing yourself by visiting the two lovebirds and take a break for a while. A long while.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old woman who has never been married or had children. For the past two years I've been seeing a man I'll call Frank. I love him deeply, and I believe he feels the same about me.

Frank is still married but legally separated from his wife. They have one child who lives with his mom. Frank lives with me, and Frank's wife lives with another man and has a second child by yet another guy.

My problem is, Frank's wife calls me whenever she has a fight with her boyfriend. She confides in me like I'm her best friend. I have never talked to Frank about divorcing her, but I'm at my wit's end over this whole circle. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time with him. Abby, I'm a longtime reader who needs to find a solution to this soap opera. Please help me.-- GETTING DIZZY IN EAST BOSTON

DEAR GETTING DIZZY: You need to talk to Frank about his degree of commitment to you. Two years is a long time to live with someone who's married to someone else -- let alone be trying to solve his wife's love problems. Perhaps it's time to distance yourself from both of them and figure out what you want to do for you.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Maggie" is getting a divorce. She has been living with my husband and me for four months. She pays one-third of our utility bill but pays no rent.

My husband feels that since Maggie is living with us, she should pay something -- even if it's only $100 a month. She's a lifelong friend, and I don't know what to do. Maggie is very upset over her messy divorce. Should I ask her for rent money?(I don't want to fight over this with my husband.)-- ONLY FRIEND IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ONLY FRIEND: It depends on Maggie's financial circumstances. If she has the money, it's certainly OK to ask. If she doesn't have the resources -- or a job -- she should consider finding one so she's not completely financially dependent on others.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#2
Jan 16, 2013
 
1- Stop pining after the gay man.

2- You've been "seeing" Frank for two years, then go on to say he's been living with you? I don't understand why his ex is confiding in you. There are three people in your relationship and you need to decide who should go.

3- If she can afford it, and she is draining on your finances, she should pay some rent.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#3
Jan 16, 2013
 
Why did Jeff tolerate 5 years of being called a brother rather than a lover when there was a woman obviously in the picture?

My guess is that Jeff really IS a brother and Myles was just looking fo a "kind" way to discourage LW.

Since: Jan 10

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#4
Jan 16, 2013
 
L1: If it hurts to see them together, stop seeing them. Find a straight man. There's a few of them out there.

L2: Stop taking her calls. If you want to marry this guy, say so. But otherwise, stop being a passive person in your own life.

L3: If she has the money, charge her rent. If not, don't. Six months? Can she not afford her own apartment? I bet you'll have trouble getting rid of her, now that she's comfortable in your place.

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Jan 16, 2013
 
Oops, only four months. But why? If there are no kids involved, she could get an efficiency apartment for now.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#6
Jan 16, 2013
 
L1: She needs to give a bit more detail so I can figure out of she was decieved or nuts.

Did she have a romatic relationship with this guy and all that normally entails only to find out he's banging his "brother" too?

Or (what I think is the case), she was friends with him, never kissed, dated, or f'd him, but "fell in love".

I find it funny that she claims to be so close and that they tell each other everything, but she never knew he was gay.

LW2: Get caller id. Use it.

Lw3: I would not charge her rent, but I suspect your husband is growing tired of this arrangement and maybe thinks that if she has to start paying that it might nudge her to move the F out and get her own place.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#7
Jan 16, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
3- If she can afford it, and she is draining on your finances, she should pay some rent.
I don't see ho she could be draining their finances. Financially, they are probably making out better with her there.

Cable bill does not go up with a thrid person living there. But she's paying a 3rd.

Power/water/gas bills do go up, but probably not enough to account for a third of the bill. Its not like the fridge or a/c have to work that much harder because a third person is in the house. But she's paying a third.

So her living there probably hasa positive impact on their finances.

I suspect this is all about the undesirable living arrangement.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#8
Jan 16, 2013
 

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PEllen wrote:
Why did Jeff tolerate 5 years of being called a brother rather than a lover when there was a woman obviously in the picture?
My guess is that Jeff really IS a brother and Myles was just looking fo a "kind" way to discourage LW.
???

If he IS gay, there is no need to lie about Jeff. If Jeff is not his lover, then he simply needs to point out he's gay.

If he's not gay, I don't know a straight man alive that would claim to be gay just to let a girl he was not into down easy.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#9
Jan 16, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
Why did Jeff tolerate 5 years of being called a brother rather than a lover when there was a woman obviously in the picture?
My guess is that Jeff really IS a brother and Myles was just looking fo a "kind" way to discourage LW.
There wasn't a woman "obviously in the picture." I'm guessing they have been nothing more than friends. Not every gay man is anxious to jump out of the closet immediately, so they were probably fine with people thinking they're brothers. When the lw let her true feelings be known, Myles likely felt it was time to come clean.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#10
Jan 16, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I don't see ho she could be draining their finances. Financially, they are probably making out better with her there.
Cable bill does not go up with a thrid person living there. But she's paying a 3rd.
Power/water/gas bills do go up, but probably not enough to account for a third of the bill.
We've been over this before and I can speak from first hand experience. Simply having an extra body in the house can cause a financial drain. Your water bill can double, electric and gas can rise significantly depending on usage, and it costs a lot more to feed an extra mouth. That's a main reason I had to kick out the ex, then the houseguest. I simply couldn't afford to keep them if they couldn't pay their way.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#11
Jan 16, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
We've been over this before and I can speak from first hand experience. Simply having an extra body in the house can cause a financial drain. Your water bill can double, electric and gas can rise significantly depending on usage,
I have first hand experience as well. Unless your guest was taking 5 showers a day, I fail to see how the water bill can double. Unless your guest is spending all day every day at home running the tv and other appliances I fail to see how the power bill can go up that much, and if this person is paying a third of that bill, that sould more than cover any additional NORMAL usage.
Was your guest running a grow house in the basement?
edogxxx wrote:
it costs a lot more to feed an extra mouth.
I'm sure it does, but I would not take on the responsibility of feeding the guest. The guest is pretty much a room mate. I don't know about you, but every room mate situation I've ever been in, you paid for your own groceries.
edogxxx wrote:
That's a main reason I had to kick out the ex, then the houseguest. I simply couldn't afford to keep them if they couldn't pay their way.
Was your guest paying anything at all? Cause if she wasn't, that's not the same as this LW's situation.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#12
Jan 16, 2013
 
L1: Wow, I'm glad I read you guys' comments before posting my own. I read it that Jeff was Myles' lover AND brother - ick.

L2: Jerr-Y, Jerr-Y!

L3: What Ang said. Maggie's finances play a part in this but shouldn't dictate the entire situation. She can't just live with them rent-free forever (unless that's what EVERYONE wants, but it sure doesn't sound like it).

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#13
Jan 16, 2013
 
L1: The story of Will & Grace.

L2: So why don't you tell this woman you're not comfortable hearing about her relationship and then change the subject.

L3: You need to sit down with her and see what her plans our, how the finances are, etc. Some divorces are over quickly some take years.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#14
Jan 16, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
I have first hand experience as well. Unless your guest was taking 5 showers a day, I fail to see how the water bill can double. Unless your guest is spending all day every day at home running the tv and other appliances I fail to see how the power bill can go up that much, and if this person is paying a third of that bill, that sould more than cover any additional NORMAL usage.
Was your guest running a grow house in the basement?
<quoted text>
I'm sure it does, but I would not take on the responsibility of feeding the guest. The guest is pretty much a room mate. I don't know about you, but every room mate situation I've ever been in, you paid for your own groceries.
<quoted text>
Was your guest paying anything at all? Cause if she wasn't, that's not the same as this LW's situation.
I keep the heater down since I'm not home all day. With someone home all day, the heater is running all day. More electricity is being used with someone home all day. One person showering versus two people showing versus twice as much laundry versus twice as many dishes. Simply throwing in a few extra bucks for utility use isn't gonna be much of a financial benefit for the hosts.
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

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#15
Jan 16, 2013
 
1. You grow up and realize that those you love don't always love you back. And get some fresh batteries.

2. Um, is ther a gun to your head to take her calls? She is confiding in you as a way to stay involved with your bf. And tell him to sh*& or get off the pot. And get some self-respect. Jeebus. You're all pathetic, the lot of you.

3. At 4 months, yes. I can see putting someone up for a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, but she's into pulling-her-weight territory. The fact that she hasn't offered to do more is a bit lame.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#16
Jan 16, 2013
 
LW1: "Stop torturing yourself by visiting the two lovebirds and take a break for a while. A long while."

Yeah, like, forever.

LW2: What?! There is just too much bs here for me to wade through today.

LW3: I think your husband wants her out but does not want to start a fight with you about it, so he's hoping that charging her rent will light a firecracker under her to find her own place. He sees where this can go; depressed friend camped out on his couch...forever.

Since: Jan 10

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#17
Jan 16, 2013
 
squishymama wrote:
LW3: I think your husband wants her out but does not want to start a fight with you about it, so he's hoping that charging her rent will light a firecracker under her to find her own place. He sees where this can go; depressed friend camped out on his couch...forever.
Great theory. I"m inclined to agree.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#18
Jan 16, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I don't see ho she could be draining their finances. Financially, they are probably making out better with her there.
Cable bill does not go up with a thrid person living there. But she's paying a 3rd.
Power/water/gas bills do go up, but probably not enough to account for a third of the bill. Its not like the fridge or a/c have to work that much harder because a third person is in the house. But she's paying a third.
So her living there probably hasa positive impact on their finances.
I suspect this is all about the undesirable living arrangement.
our every-two-month water & sewer bill *doubled* last time bro, SIL & the boys were with us, whcih was only 2 weeks. we were floored when we figured things out. triple the people for a quarter of teh time should not equal a double bill... yes, it was summer and we filled a pool for the kids a few times, but still... i think it ws the laundry and dishwasher taht really did it.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#19
Jan 16, 2013
 
LW1: Unless you are a masochist, stop hanging out with gay men that you are in love with.

Also Abby, it doesnít sound like they were anything but friends for 5 years. She says they were close and tell each other everything. She doesnít say they had a sexual relationship, which I think she would have mentioned had this been the case. If you are close with a guy for 5 years and havenít done anything sexually, and heís not dating anyone else, there is a good chance heís not into you like that or heís gay.

LW2: What do you want to do? Do you want frank to divorce his wife? If so say something to him. Do you not want to be a confident of his wife? If so, convey that.

LW3: You should have agreed to an specific arrangement before she moved in, but I agree with Abby.

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