“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Mar 13, 2014
DEAR ABBY: When I was in my early 20s, I had a baby boy I placed for adoption. I could barely take care of myself, let alone a newborn. The father wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, so I placed him with his relatives out of state, who adopted him. With counseling, I got my life back on track, finished college and got a good job. I am married now and have a family.

After 20 years, this child, "Fred," called me. We talked every night for a few weeks and I invited him here to live with me. BIG MISTAKE! Long story short, Fred is greedy, lazy and expects everyone to wait on him. He refuses to look for a job or go to school, and he expects me to pay all his expenses.

I called his adoptive family. They said when things don't go his way, Fred pouts and doesn't communicate until he needs money. They feel exactly as I do -- he should get a job or go to school.

Abby, my family loves Fred and welcomed him with open arms, but I feel detached from him. As soon as I learned I was pregnant, I began separating myself because I knew it would be difficult to let go. I do not regard Fred as a member of my family and have no maternal feelings for him. I'd be OK if I knew he was doing well -- from a distance. But I'd prefer not to maintain a relationship. I don't love this young man, and I don't know what to say when he says, "Love you, Mom."

Am I wrong to feel this way? Is there anyone else out there who feels as I do? My family is trying to guilt me into accepting him, but I can't. It's not because of his greedy behavior, although that's part of it. Have others had a similar experience?-- SINCERELY NOT HIS MOM

DEAR SINCERELY: I'm printing your letter because although many adoption reunions go well, not all of them do. If other birth mothers would like to share their experiences, I'm inviting them to do so.

However, I do have this to offer: Do NOT allow yourself to be trapped into doing anything with which you are not comfortable. Your feelings may be based on the circumstances surrounding Fred's birth. They may also result from your disappointment in his lack of character. While you will always be Fred's birth mother, you are NOT his "mom." That distinction belongs to the woman who raised him.

DEAR ABBY: My brother is dating one of my employees. She has one of those "take charge" personalities. She's pushy and she's trying to worm her way into the family.

At work I can keep her at bay, but at family events she's out of control. She insists on doing and cooking everything -- including cleaning my mother's house, which isn't dirty, by the way.

My older brothers' significant others have noticed, but being the only daughter, I'm at my wits' end. She won't take "no thanks" for an answer. I am sick of her "I'll get this, I've got it, it's OK" attitude.

I'm trying to keep my brother's happiness in mind and not cause a scene, but I'm afraid I'll lose it one of these days. Any advice?-- I, TOO, CAN ORGANIZE A PICNIC

DEAR I, TOO: Has it occurred to you that your brother's girlfriend (your employee) may be desperate to be accepted, which is why she's going to such great lengths to please? My advice is to relax, because her efforts are no reflection on you. I'm sure you have done your part at many family functions. If her efforts are alienating the other significant others, perhaps they can stage an "intervention" and get her to calm down. In the meantime, hang onto your temper.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#3 Mar 13, 2014
1: Wait, wait, wait---you invited him to live with you after talking a few weeks when you "began separating myself because I knew it would be difficult to let go. I do not regard Fred as a member of my family and have no maternal feelings for him."
That is strange-what exactly was lw expecting out of the deal?
If he were rich, smart, and hard-working woould we have the same letter?
I think Fred is better off without this egg donor (hey, if we can call the guy a sperm donor, women get the same treatment).

2: Let the grunt clean. What are the odds she will be around anyway? When they break up, you need to prepare for a whole new work side...

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Mar 13, 2014
1- Hopefully you've learned, next time get an abortion

2- Cat scratch fever. You control her at the office but are mad you have no control over her outside of it. Face it, you're a control freak

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Mar 13, 2014
LW1: If your family wants him so bad, let him move in with one of them. Find a therapist that specialized in adoption issues.

LW2: Geez, I'd be glad to have someone else do all the work. She'll tire of it eventually or break up with your brother, so just relax and enjoy the fruits of someone else's labor.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Mar 13, 2014
L1 I wonder how close Fred's character is to the sperm donor/birth father. That's a nature vs nurture question, but it seems apt. The sperm donor did not step up to take responsibility and his son seems similar.

Sweet revenge: find the sperm donor and introduce Fred to him.

L2 Both of you are too intense but Abby, Chel and Squishy are right.. Ease up.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Mar 13, 2014
squishymama wrote:
LW2: Geez, I'd be glad to have someone else do all the work. She'll tire of it eventually or break up with your brother, so just relax and enjoy the fruits of someone else's labor.
no sh!+
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#8 Mar 13, 2014
Agree with Squishy on LW1. She should hold her ground and say that
Fred needs to go to school and/or get a job--anything less would do him
more harm than good.

Agree with Squishy also on LW2. Relegating more on that brother's
date to keep her busy sounds like a pretty good idea.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Mar 13, 2014
L1: You had the boy, you are responsible for him. For life. If he wants to be lazy then I guess he received your genes. Take another job, get your rear in gear. Serve him dinner on a silver platter. Make sure he has the latest games and has full cable to watch.

L2: OMG! The nerve of this girl, actually cleaning. Cleaning! The horrors! Box up all the cleaning supplies. At work start an awful rumor about her then have her fired for what she supposedly did.

Ha! Can you tell I'm a bit bored?:D

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#10 Mar 13, 2014
Toj wrote:
L1: You had the boy, you are responsible for him. For life. If he wants to be lazy then I guess he received your genes. Take another job, get your rear in gear. Serve him dinner on a silver platter. Make sure he has the latest games and has full cable to watch.
L2: OMG! The nerve of this girl, actually cleaning. Cleaning! The horrors! Box up all the cleaning supplies. At work start an awful rumor about her then have her fired for what she supposedly did.
Ha! Can you tell I'm a bit bored?:D
As long as you are not doing anything, how about designing a sarcasm emoticon we can use from the keyboard?

“Rope Swingin'”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Mar 13, 2014
LW1: Not sure why you let him come live with you if that’s the way you feel.

LW2: Talk to your brother and have him control his b1tch if she is annoying everyone … not just you.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Mar 13, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
As long as you are not doing anything, how about designing a sarcasm emoticon we can use from the keyboard?
Right? I mean, if anyone took my answers serious that would be funny. Obviously one person did.:D
Julie

Chicago, IL

#14 Mar 13, 2014
LW1: "I do not regard Fred as a member of my family and have no maternal feelings for him. I'd be OK if I knew he was doing well"

That says it all. If he were "doing well" you'd be happy to know him. But he isn't, so you want nothing to do with him. You're a TOTAL POS.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#15 Mar 13, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Right? I mean, if anyone took my answers serious that would be funny. Obviously one person did.:D
Know why kleptomaniacs don't get sarcasm?

They take things literally!

The first Message Bored (spelling intentional!) that I ever frequented invented Sarcafont (tm)-- which was a combo of bold & italics -- we hoped it would catch on everywhere but I guess not (and it's been about 14 years!) Plus I don't know how to do code here. Can you?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Mar 13, 2014
VAdame wrote:
<quoted text>
Know why kleptomaniacs don't get sarcasm?
They take things literally!
The first Message Bored (spelling intentional!) that I ever frequented invented Sarcafont (tm)-- which was a combo of bold & italics -- we hoped it would catch on everywhere but I guess not (and it's been about 14 years!) Plus I don't know how to do code here. Can you?
Naw, I don't have the patience. Maybe Tonka, though.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#17 Mar 14, 2014
LW1 has every reason to tell Fred to take care of himself--and to insist he respect her privacy.
NicoleK

Sulgen, Switzerland

#18 Mar 15, 2014
If he's saying "Love you Mom", you should respond kindly. This is a pretty common problem when people take on foster kids and such, I know he's 20, but he's in a kid position here... DON'T reject that, you don't need to respond that you love him but do act affectionate, the feelings will follow.

You made him, and you invited him in, you are responsible now, I'm not going to let you off the hook. You ARE Mom, there are two Moms here, you took that mantle back up when you invited him in again.

That doesn't mean you need to let him mooch. You can tell him straight up you're concerned about him, and want him to find a job and give him a deadline after which he has to start paying rent. That definitely falls within the bounds of responsible Moms.

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