Posted in the Chicago Forum
Since: Jun 09
#1 Dec 30, 2012
Dear Amy: Please encourage people who have been abused in childhood to confront their abusers in life, and not wait until they are dead to "share" their accusations with family members.
I was devastated when a cousin informed me — at my husband's funeral — that he was a victim of sexual abuse by my husband when they were both young.
I have no idea if the abuse really happened, and I have no way to find out. The story I was told doesn't really hold together, and it certainly doesn't fit the man I was married to for many years. What is worse is that my husband is no longer alive to defend himself
The pain this has caused is tremendous, and I fail to see how anyone benefited from the disclosure. The cousin kept silent for a lifetime.
Why did he have to share this with me on the worst day of my life and then be surprised when I got upset? If you can't find the courage to confront your abusers, don't settle for sucker punching those who loved them.
— Grieving Widow
Dear Grieving: I am so sorry for your loss and the additional pain this accusation has caused you.
I agree with you that this disclosure was horribly and insensitively timed and hope you can learn the truth to resolve any unanswered questions. You and the person who made the allegation both need to heal.
Dear Amy: My mother recently passed away. We received a number of plants and sympathy cards, some containing money or masses to be said on mom's behalf. My sisters want to send thank you cards. I went on the Internet to see what the correct etiquette is, and of course there is really no clear answer.
I don't think it's necessary. Many times the cards and gifts are sent by people you have already thanked in person for being at the funeral.
I know that when I attend a funeral, I am there out of support, respect, love and friendship. I don't expect a thank you card for grieving with family and friends and really think it's kind of creepy. What do you think?
Dear Grieving: This is really not debatable. When someone shows you a specific sort of kindness, through a gift or donation of remembrance, it is not only thoughtful but also necessary to acknowledge this kindness through a specific thank you, preferably in writing.
Funeral directors will carefully note and provide the names of people who sent flowers. Charities will often send the names of those who donated money to honor your loved one.
There is nothing creepy about thanking those who have been so thoughtful, but if you can't bring yourself to do this, I hope there is another family member who will.
Dear Amy: A few years ago, I started dating a man a couple of years older than I am, and we ultimately became a couple.
I find that I have to admonish him for things that he should know already. He has tried washing the dishes after I've cooked, only for me to have to rewash everything. I've lost my patience several times, when, after he goes to the bathroom, my floor is wet around the toilet. I've had to teach him to cook (he lived off fast food), properly make a bed, etc.
I've found that when I have to "teach" him (or get on his case for something he has done wrong) that I lose some of my attraction to him, feeling more like his mother than his girlfriend.
I also feel he's been in "training" with me for so long that, if I end things, some other woman could snatch him up and reap the benefits of my hard work. Any advice?
— Reluctant Teacher
Dear Teacher: If you lose your attraction to this man because you are always having to "teach" him things, imagine how he feels, knowing that everything he does requires correction?
This is not a healthy dynamic. In my view, you should release him and find a partner who has already mastered the life skills you require.
“reign in blood”
Since: May 09
#2 Dec 30, 2012
1- Sue the cousin for slander.
2- Again, I have been to many funerals and have never gotten a thank you card, nor expected one.
3- Men don't come out of a box perfect. It takes many years of shaping, nagging, and harping.
Since: Mar 09
#3 Dec 30, 2012
L1: What a vicious, evil bitch. Even if it's true.
L2: What edog said.
L3: I sometimes joke about my ex-husband's current wife benefiting from all the years of training I put in. But if you're seriously not breaking up with him *because* of that, that's pathetic. Cut him loose.
#4 Dec 30, 2012
1: Bad timing, but cousin's pain is as bad as yours.
2: I sent TY cards to the addresses on the flowers only. If they didn't leave one, I didn't track it down. I certainly didn't send one to every frakking person who simply showed up.
Personally, we had enough going on that I found the task irritating.
I get the sentiment, but I can definitely overlook someone grieving who doesn't send me one. never would I fault them. TY is nice, but the card deal is getting out of hand (like tip jars).
3: Sounds like someone whose mom coddled him and didn't let him learn basic things.
Resentment will grow and it would be irritating for him to have that many social deficiencies-IMO. Maybe let him go.
“reign in blood”
Since: May 09
#5 Dec 30, 2012
I disagree. Cousin was just being vindictive. But I agree you're a smashing hottie!
#6 Dec 30, 2012
LW1: I totally agree that nobody benefitted from the disclosure and IF cousin's story is true, cuz should have shared it with a therapist, not LW. Who does this at a funeral? He should have stayed home. If not true, maybe cuz has some untreated mental/emotional issues or raging jealousy toward the LW. LW should remember all of the good things about her husband, there is nothing to be gained by further investigation.
LW2: Anyone who expects a card from a family who just lost a loved one is highly insensitive. It's gracious to send one, but IMHO suffcient to thank the people at the funeral.
LW3: What edog said ;-). I think LW needs to take her focus off his shortcomings and ask herself if he is otherwise kind and treats her well. The mundane stuff is far less important.
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