Dear Prudence-

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Oct 18, 2013
Dear Prudence,
I have been with my boyfriend for four years, and he is my best friend as well as the man I love. He has a friend of 10 years who is extremely flirtatious, a massive womanizer, handsome, and charming. I had no interest in him, although we got along really well. A little over a year ago, he appeared at my apartment door drunk one night. He said he couldn’t afford a cab. I let him in so he could call my boyfriend to pick him up. After I rejected several of his advances, he raped me in my apartment. Before he left, he said if I told anyone, everyone would think it was consensual, given his reputation and my friendship with him. I never told anyone, and my boyfriend has never found out. The friend has since moved away. Over the last year, I have had repeated nightmares and panic attacks. I’m haunted by the other women this man may assault. My boyfriend only knows I’ve been going through a "rough patch," but he doesn't know why. He's still in touch with this friend. I love my boyfriend so much, and I know he adores me, but I can't tell him. He will believe his friend over me, and I will lose him forever. Not to mention that I was the one who let the man into my apartment. I feel I am close to cracking all the time. Since that night, my body won't respond sexually at all. Although we have sex sporadically, I often have to go to the bathroom to cry afterward. My boyfriend is understandably frustrated and has offered to come with me to see a doctor. I’m horrified of the idea of anybody, therapist or otherwise, probing into my sex life. It would be kinder to finish the relationship so the wonderful, kind, and funny man I'm with can find somebody who can make him happy again, but I don’t want to lose him. I don't know what to do, and I've paid a high price for my stupidity. Please help me.

—Alone

Dear Alone,
You did nothing wrong. Let me repeat: You did nothing wrong. Anyone in your situation would have let in a friend. But it turns out this man is a stone-cold rapist, a woman-hater, and likely a psychopath. You were violently assaulted and traumatized by this monster. But now it’s time for you to stop blaming yourself and get the professional assistance that will help you heal. First, call the hotline at RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. They will put you in touch with a local rape counseling center, where you can start the process of talking about what happened and finally being released from the state of trauma you’ve been in. You say the idea of talking about your rape is horrifying to you. But you wrote to me because you realized you could no longer carry this burden alone. Of course it will be painful to discuss, but it will be the beginning of feeling you’re getting your life back. Think how much it will mean to have professionals reassure you that none of this—none of this—is your fault. Next, you should talk to the police. It may be that it’s impossible now to prosecute your assault—again, that is not your fault—but the police should look into what happened, and at the least a file will have been opened on this man. You’re absolutely right that you weren’t his first victim, and he will strike again until someone is able to stop him. You also have to tell your boyfriend. If this prospect seems too overwhelming, a counselor can help you explain to him what happened. As horrifying as your story is, there will be a kind of terrible relief for him in understanding, finally, what’s been going on with you. If your boyfriend is the wonderful, caring person you say he is, he will be devastated to think he unwittingly brought this criminal into your life and you were too afraid to tell him what happened. If he doesn’t believe you and thinks you had some kind of consensual encounter with his creep of a friend, then your boyfriend is not the man you thought he was, and it’s time you moved on. You were attacked by a beast. Let’s hope he can be stopped so he won’t hurt anyone else.

—Prudie

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Oct 18, 2013
Letter 2

Dear Prudence,
I am the co-chair of a daylong cultural and educational event at a local college. Our budget is small, and we have people from out of town, and over the years my elderly widowed mother has allowed me to put up some of the out-of-town speakers at her large and nice house. I also throw a reception at her house. Preparing for this is frantic and stressful. This year, five guests were staying at my mother’s. Two days before the event, I went to her house, stripped the beds, and washed all of the sheets and towels necessary for the guests. I placed the folded clean sheets, pillowcases, and towels on each bed, figuring that each guest could make his or her own bed. She felt not making the bed was tacky, and since it was her house (as she frequently reminds me), she could make the rules. We had a huge fight, and I left without making the beds. Acting the martyr, she got my brother’s girlfriend to help her make all of the beds. After the event, I stripped all of the beds and put the linens in the washing machine. My mother then wanted me to come back and remake all of the beds and fold the towels. I declined. My brothers often host overnight guests and have even thrown large parties there, and I have never heard her make housekeeping demands of them. Now my mother has informed me that I cannot host any guests at her house in the future. So my three questions are: Is it socially acceptable to place clean, folded sheets on the bed and expect my guests to make their own beds? Am I wrong to feel angry at my mother for making a big deal about a trivial issue when I had more important things to deal with? And isn’t she being a big jerk for having a double standard between me and my brothers? The fabric of our relationship is rent over sheets. Suggestions?

—Not My Mother’s Maid

Dear Not,
In one corner we have Elderly Widowed Mother, who opens her home to provide free lodging and banquet facilities for your guests. In the other corner we have Daughter With Important Things to Do, who’s not about to provide maid service. Since I’m the referee, I’m ending this bout, and I think the crowd will agree that Elderly Widowed Mother wins by unanimous decision. Let’s take each of your questions. One, while it’s not the world’s biggest faux pas to leave the sheets on the end of the bed, it also isn’t gracious. Being a good hostess is important to your EWM, so if you didn’t have time to make the beds, you should have gotten someone to do it. Two, your EWM may not have been understanding how overwhelmed and stressed out you were, but you were equally unsympathetic to the stress this generous older woman was feeling about providing a lovely experience for her—I mean, your—guests. Three, when you start this one by calling your EWM a “big jerk,” you don’t make a good case for yourself. Maybe your mother is sexist, or maybe your brothers are much more attentive and grateful than you when she allows them to use her home. As for suggestions, start by buying a large bouquet of flowers and personally delivering it to your mother. Include a note of apology that says you were wrong and you are so sorry you lost your temper. Go on to tell her how much you appreciate everything she does for you, how remarkable she is that she can still throw a hell of a party, and how you need to learn to better manage your stress. You might also want to book the hotel now for next year’s event in order to lock in the best rates.

—Prudie

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Oct 18, 2013
Letters 3 and 4

Dear Prudence,
I'm a 39-year-old man who has never been in a relationship that's gotten serious enough to discuss cohabitation. My partner “Beth,” a 41-year-old woman, is in the same boat. We've been dating six months and are now discussing renting a home together, as something of a marriage trial run. But the thought of coming home to someone every night exhausts me. I just need to completely unplug and be alone with my thoughts. I've always scoffed at guys who shy away from commitment, but I'm definitely a person who needs alone time once or twice a week. I’ve started to get squeamish at the thought of spending every evening together instead of the four or five per week we do now. I'm truly in love with Beth and enjoy our time together. But how do I get past this? Is there a way to share our lives and still have some "me" time?

—Trying Not to Be Alone Forever

Dear Alone,
As Philip Larkin wrote:“He married a woman to stop her getting away/ Now she’s there all day.” I understand your worries, because like you, I need lots of solitude. This is a perfectly reasonable thing to talk about with Beth without it being a sign of wavering commitment or uncertainty about your love. You tell her that until you met her, you never thought there would be anyone you could contemplate living with. You say you’re excited but also recognize that with separate domiciles you are able to have the quiet time you sometimes need, so you can’t figure out how you would incorporate that into your new living situation. Then you figure it out. Maybe when you come home some nights, you signal you need some down time to listen to music and read the newspaper before you’re ready to be social. Maybe Saturday mornings you agree to be away from each other. Maybe Beth likes to take classes or meet up with friends a couple of nights a week, leaving you contentedly alone for the evening. It could be that Beth, like you, thinks togetherness is sweeter when it’s not incessant.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
A few months ago I moved into a small apartment building in a lovely neighborhood. I noticed that someone was leaving bags of dog poop right outside of the front gate of the entrance to our building. My boyfriend and I decided to write a message in chalk on the brick wall outside of the building: "Please! Pick up your pet's poop.” When it didn’t stop, I wrote a follow-up in chalk. The day after that I found this note taped to the wall in response: "What you’re doing is against the law. We will be putting cameras up and pressing harassment charges if it doesn't stop. P.S. You're a coward!" A bag of poop was thrown over our gate into the front entrance. I’m sure this person doesn’t know I wrote the note, but I’m now concerned about having charges pressed. I’m also concerned about getting this to stop. What do I do?

—Doo Doo Problem

Dear Problem,
I think the note you saw was not in reply to you but a vote of solidarity from a fellow tenant about the solid waste. The offender in response is now practicing canine shot put.(Or should we call it shit put?) Your building must have management, so bring this up with them. I know it’s distasteful, but until this is solved, when you see bags out front, you could toss them into a nearby receptacle. Forget interacting with the miscreant, which will only result in an ordeal over the ordure.

—Prudie

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Oct 18, 2013
In one awful high-profile case after another—the U.S. Naval Academy; Steubenville, Ohio; now the allegations in Maryville, Mo.—we read about a young woman, sometimes only a girl, who goes to a party and ends up being raped. As soon as the school year begins, so do reports of female students sexually assaulted by their male classmates. A common denominator in these cases is alcohol, often copious amounts, enough to render the young woman incapacitated. But a misplaced fear of blaming the victim has made it somehow unacceptable to warn inexperienced young women that when they get wasted, they are putting themselves in potential peril.

A 2009 study of campus sexual assault found that by the time they are seniors, almost 20 percent of college women will become victims, overwhelmingly of a fellow classmate. Very few will ever report it to authorities. The same study states that more than 80 percent of campus sexual assaults involve alcohol. Frequently both the man and the woman have been drinking. The men tend to use the drinking to justify their behavior, as this survey of research on alcohol-related campus sexual assault by Antonia Abbey, professor of psychology at Wayne State University, illustrates, while for many of the women, having been drunk becomes a source of guilt and shame. Sometimes the woman is the only one drunk and runs into a particular type of shrewd—and sober—sexual predator who lurks where women drink like a lion at a watering hole. For these kinds of men, the rise of female binge drinking has made campuses a prey-rich environment. I’ve spoken to three recent college graduates who were the victims of such assailants, and their stories are chilling.

Let’s be totally clear: Perpetrators are the ones responsible for committing their crimes, and they should be brought to justice. But we are failing to let women know that when they render themselves defenseless, terrible things can be done to them. Young women are getting a distorted message that their right to match men drink for drink is a feminist issue. The real feminist message should be that when you lose the ability to be responsible for yourself, you drastically increase the chances that you will attract the kinds of people who, shall we say, don’t have your best interest at heart. That’s not blaming the victim; that’s trying to prevent more victims.
Experts I spoke to who wanted young women to get this information said they were aware of how loaded it has become to give warnings to women about their behavior.“I’m always feeling defensive that my main advice is:‘Protect yourself. Don’t make yourself vulnerable to the point of losing your cognitive faculties,’” says Anne Coughlin, a professor at the University of Virginia School of Law, who has written on rape and teaches feminist jurisprudence. She adds that by not telling them the truth—that they are responsible for keeping their wits about them—she worries that we are “infantilizing women.”
The “Campus Sexual Assault Study” of 2007, undertaken for the Department of Justice, found that the popular belief that many young rape victims have been slipped “date rape” drugs is false.“Most sexual assaults occur after voluntary consumption of alcohol by the victim and assailant,” the report states. But the researchers noted that this crucial point is not being articulated to young and naïve women:“Despite the link between substance abuse and sexual assault it appears that few sexual assault and/or risk reduction programs address the relationship between substance use and sexual assault.” The report added, somewhat plaintively,“Students may also be unaware of the image of vulnerability projected by a visibly intoxicated individual.”
“I’m not saying a woman is responsible for being sexually victimized,” says Christopher Krebs, one of the authors of that study and others on campus sexual assault.“But when your judgment is compromised, your risk is elevated of having sexual violence perpetrated against you.”

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Oct 18, 2013
The site Compelled to Act, started by the grief-stricken father of a college-student daughter who died because of a drunken snowmobile accident, keeps a tally of alcohol-related death, including reports of students who perish due to alcohol overdoses, falls, and drownings. The typical opening weeks of school (except perhaps at Brigham Young University) result in stories like this one at the University of Maryland: In the first three weeks of the semester, 24 students were taken to the hospital for alcohol-related causes. Then police were called to an off-campus bar known for serving freshmen to investigate a stabbing involving underage students.

I don’t believe any of these statistics will move in the right direction until binge drinking joins smoking, drunk driving, and domestic abuse as behaviors that were once typical and are now unacceptable. Reducing binge drinking is going to require education, enforcement, and a change in campus social culture. These days the weekend stretches over half the week and front-loading and boot and rally are major extracurricular activities. Puking in your hair, peeing in your pants, and engaging in dangerous behaviors have to stop being considered hilarious escapades or proud war stories and become a source of disgust and embarrassment.

As a parent with a daughter heading off to college next year, I’ve noted with dismay that in some college guidebooks almost as much space is devoted to alcohol as academics. School spirit is one thing, but according to The Insider’s Guide to the Colleges, when the University of Florida plays Florida State University,“Die-hard gator fans start drinking at 8 am. No joke.” I guess I’m supposed to be reassured to read that at the University of Idaho,“Not everyone is an alcoholic.”

“High-risk alcohol use is the one thing connected to all, and I mean all, the negative impacts in higher education,” says Peter Lake, director of the Center for Excellence in Higher Education Law and Policy at Stetson University College of Law and author of The Rights and Responsibilities of the Modern University. He cites the problems of early student attrition and perpetually disappointing graduation rates.

I’ve told my daughter that it’s her responsibility to take steps to protect herself.(“I hear you! Stop!”) The biological reality is that women do not metabolize alcohol the same way as men, and that means drink for drink women will get drunker faster. I tell her I know alcohol will be widely available (even though it’s illegal for most college students) but that she’ll have a good chance of knowing what’s going on around her if she limits herself to no more than two drinks, sipped slowly—no shots!—and stays away from notorious punch bowls. If female college students start moderating their drinking as a way of looking out for their own self-interest—and looking out for your own self-interest should be a primary feminist principle—I hope their restraint trickles down to the men.

If I had a son, I would tell him that it’s in his self-interest not to be the drunken frat boy who finds himself accused of raping a drunken classmate. Surely this University of Richmond student, acquitted in one of the extremely rare cases in which a campus rape accusation led to a criminal trial, would confirm that.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Oct 18, 2013
The federal government has taken steps to acknowledge the campus sexual assault problem by using the pressure of Title IX, which prevents sex discrimination in education, to require schools to improve programs to protect students from sexual assault and to deal more effectively with it.(Occidental College students filed a Title IX complaint against the school after administrators allowed a serial rapist to continue his studies.) Educating students about rape, teaching them that by definition a very drunk woman can’t consent to sex, is crucial. Also important are bystander programs that instruct students in how to intervene to prevent sexual assault on drunk classmates and about the need to get dangerously intoxicated ones medical treatment.

But nothing is going to be as effective at preventing alcohol-facilitated assaults as a reduction in alcohol consumption. The 2009 campus sexual assault study, co-authored by Krebs, found campus alcohol education programs “seldom emphasize the important link” between women’s voluntary alcohol and drug use “and becoming a victim of sexual assault.” It goes on to say students must get the explicit message that limiting alcohol intake and avoiding drugs “are important sexual assault sex protection strategies.” I think it would be beneficial for younger students to hear accounts of alcohol-facilitated sexual assault from female juniors and seniors who’ve lived through it.

Of course, perpetrators should be caught and punished. But when you are dealing with intoxication and sex, there are the built-in complications of incomplete memories and differing interpretations of intent and consent. To establish if a driver is too drunk to be behind the wheel, all it takes is a quick test to see if his or her blood alcohol exceeds the legal limit. There isn’t such clarity when it comes to alcohol and sex. According to “Prosecuting Alcohol-Facilitated Sexual Assault,” a study by the National District Attorneys Association:“Generally, there is not a bright-line test for showing that the victim was too intoxicated to consent, thereby distinguishing sexual assault from drunken sex.” Bringing these cases is, the study notes,“an extreme challenge.” And college student victims rarely turn to law enforcement. Instead, often days later, they bring a complaint to campus authorities to adjudicate.

Some think changing the campus drinking culture requires lowering the drinking age from 21 years. The Amethyst Initiative, started by chancellors and presidents of universities and colleges, and the group Choose Responsibility both make the case that since most college drinking is illegal, that gives it the allure of the forbidden, encourages excess, and increases danger because students are reluctant to turn to the authorities when drinking gets out of hand. But changing the drinking age is a policy that’s gotten little traction.

Lake says that administrators often take an overly simplistic approach to curbing alcohol consumption. In the 1990s that meant crackdowns, which he says sent a lot of drinking off campus, probably elevating the risks. He says binge drinking is so entrenched it requires a multifaceted approach that includes coercion, enforcement, and social engineering. For example, he says weekends often begin on Thursday because many colleges have few, if any, Friday classes.“In the alcohol wars, you can see where battlefields are and where booze has beaten the academy,” he says.“The academic program has receded, and they’ve given up on Friday.” He says a full day of classes should be scheduled on Friday, and it should be a standard day for tests and exams. He says since millennials (like young people forever) keep vampire hours, unless there are evening alternatives on campus, those purveying alcohol will win.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Oct 18, 2013
And who is it purveying alcohol? In some cases it’s a type of serial predator who encourages his victim to keep pouring the means of her incapacitation down her own throat. Researchers such as Abbey and David Lisak have explored how these men use alcohol, instead of violence, to commit their crimes. Lake observes that these offenders can be campus leaders, charming and well liked—something that comes in handy if they are accused of anything.“They work our mythology against us,” says Lake.“We would like to see our daughters hang out with nice boys in navy blue blazers.”

The three young women I spoke to who were victims of such men attended different colleges, but their stories are so distressingly similar that it sounds as if they were attacked by the same young man. In each case the woman lost track of how much she’d had to drink. Then a male classmate she knew took her by the hand and offered her an escort. Then she was raped by this “friend.” Only one, Laura Dunn, reported to authorities what happened, more than a year after the fact. In her case she was set upon by two classmates, and the university declined to take action against either one.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 Oct 18, 2013
One of the rape victims was a senior who had been to a school-sponsored celebration where the wine flowed, then everyone went to a bar to continue the festivities. Her memories are fragmentary after that, but a male classmate came by. She remembers running down the street with him, then being in bed, then waking up the next day with her clothes inside out. She was sickened at herself for what she thought was cheating on her longtime boyfriend and confessed her infidelity to him. Ultimately that led to their breakup.

As she dealt with her shame and guilt, she talked to friends about that night, and the real story emerged. She was so intoxicated that her friends were worried about her when she stumbled out of the bar disoriented and without her shoes. They said they saw her being led away by the male classmate who was not drunk. She came to understand that she had been raped.“Since I realized it wasn’t my fault, I crawled out of a deep, dark hole,” she says. She also knew he’d done it before.“He had this reputation if you were going to be drunk around him, he was probably going to have sex with you.”

The young woman laments the whole campus landscape of alcohol-soaked hookup sex.“Women are encouraged to do it, which ignores all the risks for us,” she says.“You get embarrassed and ashamed, so you try to make light of it. Then women get violated and degraded, and they accept it. Who does this culture benefit? Alcohol predators. It doesn’t liberate anybody.”

I get what all the beer bongs, flip cup, power hours, even butt chugging is about.(OK, maybe not butt chugging.) It’s fun. In Getting Wasted: Why College Students Drink Too Much and Party So Hard, Ohio University sociologist Thomas Vander Ven got an inside look at what he calls “the shit show.” He writes,“To some university students, the decision to drink at college is a redundancy. To them, college means drinking.” Vander Ven documents the pleasure that group intoxication brings: the suppression of inhibitions and self-consciousness, the collective hilarity, the thrill of engaging in potentially perilous adventures, and the sense of camaraderie. Even nursing hangovers and regrets becomes a group endeavor, a mutual post-battle support group. Collective intoxication is intoxicating, one of the reasons that it’s been so difficult to reduce the amount of binge drinking on campuses.

I know many people will reflect on their own bacchanalian college experiences with nostalgia and say the excesses didn’t hurt them—at least what they’re able to remember. So I will present myself as an example that it’s possible to have fun without being drunk. I enjoy moderate drinking and have only been hung over three times in my life. I have never been so drunk that I browned out, blacked out, passed out, or puked from alcohol ingestion. Still, as a young person, I did my share of fun, crazy, silly, stupid, and ill-advised things. But at least I always knew that I was responsible for my behavior, not the alcohol.

Lake says that it is unrealistic to expect colleges will ever be great at catching and punishing sexual predators; that’s simply not their core mission. Colleges are supposed to be places where young people learn to be responsible for themselves. Lake says,“The biggest change in going to college is that you have to understand safety begins with you. For better or worse, fair or not, just or not, the consequences will fall on your head.” I’ll drink (one drink) to that.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#9 Oct 18, 2013
Thanks, pe. If I ever have five hours to kill, I'll read this thread!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Oct 18, 2013
LW1: The police should have been called right away, but that ship has sailed. Therapy, police (even though they probably can’t prove the case now), and be open with your boyfriend.

LW2: First question: No that seems odd to me.

Second question: Yes, you are wrong. Your mother sounds more than accommodating. My parents would tell me hells no if I wanted 5 strangers to stay at their house and they have the space.

Third question: I don’t blame you mother for not wanting to make 5 beds and fold towels when she had folks stay at her house on your behalf.

You sound like an ungrateful brat.

LW3: Just cause you live together doesn’t mean you need to be in each others face 24/7.

LW4: I don’t think the note was to you, ding bat. Put up cameras.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Oct 18, 2013
LW1: I don't knwo why she saon this this long. I know it's a fear and shame thing. Maybe I would have done the same, I don't know. But I'd like to think I'd have reported him to help other people. I still would tell the police so he is in their sights, even though it won't do much.

LW2: No, you don't make the gues you (your mom) is hosting. LW is an entitled brat. Her mom is doing her a HUGE favor (I wouldn't DREAM of putting my folks in that position). It is not out of line that her mother expects her to set up (properly (not put a pile of sheets down for the guests to set up) and clean up. LW complains about the brothers - maybe mom doesn't have to ask the brothers because they know out of common sense to do it. Or maybe the mom asks when she isn't around.

One chick on DP turned this into a whole sexist issue. It was ridiculous. This isn't a sexist issue. If someone does youa favor, you do everything you can to minimize the inconvenience.

LW3 and LW4: What Sublime said.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Oct 18, 2013
L1: I feel for her. The poor thing is carrying around so much fear and shame. She needs therapy now. Right now. And yes, I think it would help her to file a report with the police.

L2: What a witch. Her mother has been so kind. If she's overwhelmed that's her problem. Get an assistant.

L3: She might feel the same way. I would guess a lot of people are this way. I know I am.

L4: Holy crap!:D That one went over the LW head.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Oct 18, 2013
And alcohol doesn't commit rape but I understand that being in control of your facilties and not falling down drunk is important so you can help yourself -- not only b/c of rape, but there is robbery, getting hit by cars, etc.

I think instead of putting this in the context of rape, it should be put in context of crime and personal safety.

There are too many messages out there that the victim did something wrong. There is a way to educate people on this without victim blaming.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#14 Oct 18, 2013
LW1: Please take Prudie's advice and talk to a rape counselor NOW. You did nothing wrong. I seriously doubt that your boyfriend would blame you, but if you don't want to tell him right now, then hold off for a bit. As far as reporting him to the police, I'd be willing to bet that they already know about him. At this point, it will be difficult to prosecute because you did not report it immediately and there is no DNA evidence nor medical report. So your call. The one thing you must do right away is get the counseling you need. You can recover from this trauma. Take care of yourself.

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