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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 May 22, 2013
DEAR AMY: My daughter, 40, was married to a man who was mentally abusive. He estranged her from her brother and friends and tried to end her relationship with her father and me. When she divorced him about five years ago, we were very happy. Fortunately there were no children.

A few years after the divorce she went to therapy, but I donít know how much progress was made. Now she has no desire to date or to have a committed relationship with a man (or woman, for that matter).

She just says she is not interested. Her brother, who is married, has tried multiple times to encourage her to have a relationship with someone. The way he approached the subject was somewhat harsh, and she is more adamant than ever about meeting or dating.

She is a beautiful and intelligent woman and a very successful lawyer with her own practice. She and I are close. We are able to speak openly with each other, but this is a delicate subject. We are a very small family, and my husband and I wonít be around forever. I would appreciate any advice you can give me.-- Worried Mother

DEAR WORRIED: My advice is that you (and her brother, especially) should stop urging your daughter to believe that there is something wrong with her.

You donít say that she is angry, depressed or friendless, only that she is a successful survivor and a very successful professional and a beautiful, intelligent and lovely daughter.

Marriage and intimate emotional partnerships are not the answer for everyone. If your daughter says she is not interested in having this sort of relationship in her life, I think it would be great (and honest, true and supportive) for her family members to believe her. And then stop bothering her about it.

DEAR AMY: My daughter is a sophomore in college. She lives with three other girls in an apartment. One of her roommates has had a boyfriend for six months who is spending more and more time at their apartment. He still has a dorm room but stays at their apartment about four days each week.

He has started to walk around in his boxers, and my daughter does not appreciate that. I fear that he could essentially move into their apartment this summer.

At what point has he crossed a line for what should be allowed, and how can my daughter resolve the situation without creating hard feelings with her roommate?-- Concerned Dad

DEAR DAD: It would be swell if your daughterís roommate (and her boyfriend) showed some concern about creating hard feelings with the other roommates in the apartment. As the concerned dad in this scenario, you should counsel your daughter to grow a backbone and assert her reasonable rights in a no-nonsense and neutral way.

Letís start with the issue of walking around common areas in boxer shorts. If your daughter doesnít like this, she should say,ďHey, could you put on some pants, please?Ē Itís that simple.

All of the roommates should decide what to allow in the home they share. If they are fine with him moving in (and if it is allowable with the lease they have signed), they should have a roommate meeting and mutually determine what the terms are. If they donít want to cohabit with him, then the roommate and her boyfriend should find somewhere else to live.

DEAR AMY: What a heartbreaking letter from ďWanting to Move On.Ē She and her husband had to terminate a pregnancy for medical reasons, and her mother was undermining and disrespecting them.

I went through exactly the same thing and was so hurt when my parents didnít call me for two weeks after we had to end our first pregnancy. I think they were just so confused about what to say to us, and so they didnít say anything.

I think most people canít imagine having to make such a gut-wrenching decision. For what itís worth, we went on to have three great, healthy kids.-- Chris

DEAR CHRIS: This was a truly heartbreaking situation; thank you for offering a hopeful future to this couple.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 May 22, 2013
1 That therapist turned her asixual. You should sue for the grandkids you wont have.

2 Your the dad, go there and beat some sense into that boy.

3 Missed that rehash, must have been a sunday column.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#3 May 22, 2013
LW1: Butt out.

LW2: Daughter just needs to nicely say something like Amy said. THey should definitely have a roomie meeting, though.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 May 22, 2013
L1: I am so thankful that my family is not like this. LW: You are horrid. Simply horrid. LEAVE HER ALONE. my god, is she worthless without a man at her side? That's what you're telling her. So knock it off and get a new hobby, you old hag.

L2: At what point should a parent butt out of his ADULT CHILD'S life and let her learn how to deal with her own decisions, living arrangements, and friends? Before now. Butt out.

L3: Pointless.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 May 22, 2013
I can hear the helicopters whirling above the single daughter and colleg girl. Must be the parents.

They are grown up.
Butt out. Both of you.

L3 was a toughy the first time around

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#6 May 22, 2013
L1. You need to look at the bigger picture for a change. In more ways than one, she has made more progress than you will ever know.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#7 May 22, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: I am so thankful that my family is not like this. LW: You are horrid. Simply horrid. LEAVE HER ALONE. my god, is she worthless without a man at her side? That's what you're telling her. So knock it off and get a new hobby, you old hag.
L2: At what point should a parent butt out of his ADULT CHILD'S life and let her learn how to deal with her own decisions, living arrangements, and friends? Before now. Butt out.
L3: Pointless.
All of this.

Also, LW2: paraphrase Phil talking to Alan in The Hangover: put on some pants. I find it weird that I have to ask twice.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#8 May 22, 2013
P and red, will you give l2 a break? If you truly believe your parenting should end on the kid's 18th birthady, you would make horrible parents.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 May 22, 2013
HA! says the worst candidate for parenthood EVER.

I'll take your post to mean the opposite, since that's how much sense you usually make (which is little to none).

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#10 May 22, 2013
1: BTFO

2: Let's assume that Daughter asked Dad for advice. Dad had to ask Amy-the-worst-advice-person-ev er? Feel way way way sorry for Daughter.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#11 May 22, 2013
This!
Mimi Seattle wrote:
2: Let's assume that Daughter asked Dad for advice. Dad had to ask Amy-the-worst-advice-person-ev er? Feel way way way sorry for Daughter.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 May 22, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
P and red, will you give l2 a break? If you truly believe your parenting should end on the kid's 18th birthady, you would make horrible parents.
Parenting occurs as long as you and teh kid are alive but it is a sliding scale that moves to informing teh kid and hoping that teh grounding you gave them years ago helps them process the current situation responsibly. Hold true for dealing with a transgender cousin at age 10 or dealing with a skeevey neighbor at age 20 or a shyster investment guy at age 30.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#13 May 22, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
P and red, will you give l2 a break? If you truly believe your parenting should end on the kid's 18th birthady, you would make horrible parents.
The purpose of parenting is to create independent and self-sufficient adults.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#14 May 22, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
HA! says the worst candidate for parenthood EVER.
I'll take your post to mean the opposite, since that's how much sense you usually make (which is little to none).
Kids should be encouraged to have sex as soon as they hit puberty. Encouraged to be gay for the sake of tolerance. Raised to believe they are entitled to everything from the government. Homosexuality is okay, but religion is evil. And their 18th birthday is the last you'll see and talk to them.

Yes, sounds like you have a much better handle on parenting.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#15 May 22, 2013
LW1 - let her be... encourage what you feel is "progress" and STFU on teh rest of it. That's what we're doing with SIL. She wound up moving in w/ someone for primarily financial reasons, nad now says she's stressed and shouldn't have done it... I didn't think it was wise taht she started dating this guy (nice guy, good foil for her, etc) because i really thoguth taht after 25 years in a marriage that has sucked for hte last 10-15 she should be on her own and find out who SIL is, but we haven't said sh!t to her on that... We are encouraging her to go back to school adn are recognizing other milestones, so we are being supportive. we're just letting her make her own decisions/mistakes and living with her consequences.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#16 May 22, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Kids should be encouraged to have sex as soon as they hit puberty. Encouraged to be gay for the sake of tolerance. Raised to believe they are entitled to everything from the government. Homosexuality is okay, but religion is evil. And their 18th birthday is the last you'll see and talk to them.
Yes, sounds like you have a much better handle on parenting.
You sound like a total off-the-rails whack job who has zero common sense, and no grasp on reality.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 May 22, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Kids should be encouraged to have sex as soon as they hit puberty. Encouraged to be gay for the sake of tolerance. Raised to believe they are entitled to everything from the government. Homosexuality is okay, but religion is evil. And their 18th birthday is the last you'll see and talk to them.
Yes, sounds like you have a much better handle on parenting.
BS and you know it.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#18 May 22, 2013
LW1: Gack. I agree with Amy. <gollum>

LW2: Eeek! I agree with Amy again <gollum, gollum> especailly about the roommate meeting. They're old enough to live independently, they should be old enough to deal with boyfriend in his boxers.

LW3: Bleck.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#19 May 22, 2013
PEllen wrote:
BS and you know it.
I would like to hope so, but that's the impression I've gotten from opinions on recent letters. Angela even indicated it should be perfectly okay for children to engage in sexual activity with adults, homosexual or otherwise. Remember that one?
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I wouldn't think it's a crime if the 18yo were a guy. No crime here. Just two parents who can't accept that their kid is gay and she's sexually active.
(the "kid" in question is 15)

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#20 May 22, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I would like to hope so, but that's the impression I've gotten from opinions on recent letters. Angela even indicated it should be perfectly okay for children to engage in sexual activity with adults, homosexual or otherwise. Remember that one?
<quoted text>
(the "kid" in question is 15)
I don't remember the context, but based on your pot the question is whether it is okay fo an 18 year old and a 15 year old to have sex. It depends- If it is an 18year old HS senior and his sophomore gf I have less trouble than just loking at teh absolute numbers.

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