“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jul 22, 2014
DEAR AMY: My wife's friend has been staying with us for the past four months. She took time off to work on some stressful career issues and deal with her depression.

We welcomed her, never asked for rent and allowed her to borrow our cars, eat our food, use our utilities, etc. We offered our shoulders to cry on. We didn't expect her to stay so long, with no end date in sight.

We are aware it is our fault for not setting boundaries at the beginning. She has been to only one counseling session but seems well enough to travel several hours for dating and for vacations almost every week.

We regret not putting down more concrete agreements and feel we are being used, but feel guilty asking. She very dramatically reminds us of her depression when we try to talk about how her being in our house is starting to wear thin, especially since we are expecting our first child.

My wife and I finally asked for $200 a month to cover some expenses moving forward. She then picked up and left without responding to our request.

I have mixed emotions -- one being relief to finally have our lives back, but the other is guilt.

I wish we could have been more supportive, but we were beginning to suffer, too.

At what point should one pull away from someone who is depressed in order to protect one's own family and sanity?-- Feeling Guilty in NY

DEAR GUILTY: The best way to help someone (depressed or not) who comes to stay is to say at the outset what the parameters are, and then be patient with the houseguest but also certain about your first obligation -- which is to your own household.

You should have said, "You can stay with us for eight weeks, to rest, recuperate and then regroup. After that you will have to leave, but we hope you'll be feeling better by then."

If you are able, it is best to offer this hospitality free of charge; charging rent can actually make it harder to get someone to leave after she has overstayed her welcome.

Your friend's ability to drag herself out for dating and miniholidays is an indication that she might be feeling better. As it is, she stormed out over a very reasonable request on your part, with no expression of gratitude, etc. Being depressed doesn't give her a free pass to be inconsiderate.

DEAR AMY: My 21-year-old daughter is due to graduate from college in May. She has expressed that she does not want to participate in the graduation ceremony.

Even though my daughter is old enough to join the military, borrow money, etc., I know the rational part of the brain is not formed until mid-20s.

My sister (her aunt) did not attend her own graduation ceremony some 20-plus years ago, and my daughter throws that in my face. My sister has told her that all the diplomas are mailed anyway and that it is her decision to make (she doesn't have kids).

Do I let her make this decision and maybe regret it or try to persuade her to attend graduation?-- Not Sure in Baltimore

DEAR NOT SURE: I gather that because this issue is surfacing almost a year before the big event that your daughter has identified this as a point of discomfort for you, and your sister might be egging her on.

But the fact is -- they are correct. Attending the graduation ceremony is the graduate's decision to make. You should take the air out of this by saying to your daughter, "You don't need to make this decision right now; just let me know what you choose to do."

DEAR AMY: Here is what my husband of 50 years said, upon reading the letter from "Jealous Husband," (the husband who was upset and jealous at seeing a 25-year-old photo of his wife and a former boyfriend): "Neener, neener, you had her for this photo, I got her for the rest of her life."

How cool is that?-- Going Strong after 50 Years

DEAR GOING STRONG: That is waaay cool.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jul 22, 2014
1 What exactly is your problem?
2 She does not want to participate because she is not getting a diploma. She just wasted your money on partying.
3 saying cool is now old?
Dear Obama

Chicago, IL

#3 Jul 22, 2014
Are you gay for ISIL?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#4 Jul 22, 2014
1- you've been used, lesson learned, eff that btch

2- get over it, lady. For some, walking is no big deal. I didn't walk in mine, didn't care to

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#5 Jul 22, 2014
Dear Obama wrote:
Are you gay for ISIL?
The Obama thread is two more doors down on the left
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#6 Jul 22, 2014
Doesn't LW1 see that he and his wife are better off without that fake
friend?

Can't LW2 respect her daughter's choice to decline something that isn't for her?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Jul 22, 2014
LW1 should be glad he didn't have to go through eviction proceedings

L2 I graduated from University of Illinois. The school was huge. they graduated by colleges but even so there were thousands of grads I had never seen before and a Dean I had never met handing out folders. Walking in that context had no meaning for me.

Grad school was smaller. Those were people and professors I knew. My name was called by someone under whom I had studied and who knew my accomplishments . My parents could see me.

It seems pretty clear that it is important to LW to see her daughter in a cap and gown walk across a stage. She apparently does not have a strong enough relationship with her daughter to say what she ,LW, wants.

FWIW both my daughters went to smaller schools. My husband made hotel and dinner reservations a year in advance to ensure we could stay close and go to the favorite places

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#8 Jul 22, 2014
L2. I really never much cared for all that pomp and circumstance either.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Jul 22, 2014
Lw1: what race said
Lw2: i understand there are people that don't want to walk, but i could never be one of them. I could not imagine completing 4 years of college and not tsking part on the ceremony, even if its just for the pictures. I think its a fsir bet my parents would have been disappointed to not get that experience(i think i' m the 1st college grad on my family).

Same goes for my wedding. I'm wife's second husband, so she was more than happy to just go to the courthouse. I'd neverbeen married, and so far, its just me, betwen me and my sister. I think no wedding would have been a letdown for my parents the same as no grad ceremony woulf have been. Would be, for me, if my kids decline them.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Jul 22, 2014
LW1: He stated several times they now know what they *should* have done, but thank you for reiterating that anyway. <eye roll>

LW2: So because she's not making the decision you want her to, she's automatically not rational. Makes sense <more eye rolling>

LW3: Neener, neener! You have a stupid rehash.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#11 Jul 22, 2014
LW1: LW's question was "At what point should one pull away from someone who is depressed in order to protect one's own family and sanity?" IMHO, you should never have let her move in, period. As PEllen said, you might have had to evict her and then you would feel 10 times as guilty. Your home is your castle, a place of comfort and peace. You do not invite drama to live in your castle.

LW2: I agree that the choice should be up to the graduate. We don't all feel the same way about it. The parents can have a small party or a nice dinner to celebrate the occasion.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#12 Jul 22, 2014
LW1: Your wife's "depressed" friend Totally Used you. No one that depressed goes on dates and "vacations" almost every week. Nor is it likely that anyone so severely depressed could just pick up and leave in a huff the first moment she was asked to take any responsibility.
Stop feeling guilty. You Were Played. The next time this manipulator/con woman shows up with a sob story, grow a pair and tell her to eff off.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Jul 22, 2014
Julie wrote:
LW1: Your wife's "depressed" friend Totally Used you. No one that depressed goes on dates and "vacations" almost every week. Nor is it likely that anyone so severely depressed could just pick up and leave in a huff the first moment she was asked to take any responsibility.
Stop feeling guilty. You Were Played. The next time this manipulator/con woman shows up with a sob story, grow a pair and tell her to eff off.
Team Julie
Julie

Chicago, IL

#15 Jul 23, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Team Julie
Thanks, PEllen. Sadly, the OP and his wife sound as dumb as new-born bunnies <face palm>

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