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1 - 19 of 19 Comments Last updated Jul 7, 2013

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jul 3, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Dave," has twice kissed me passionately when my sister was not around. I made light of it and pushed him away. The third time it happened was when he came to my house to do a little repair job for me. That time he also grabbed my breast. I exploded and told him off.

Later on, Dave called and said he was going to come back to do some other things that needed attention. I told him he was not welcome in my house and that I'm furious he would do such a thing. He apologized and said he hoped I could forgive him.

I am so angry! I no longer want to be in his company. I also don't like that I have to keep his behavior a secret from my sister. I haven't told anyone, and it is keeping me up nights. Please help.-- FUMING IN FLORIDA

DEAR FUMING: Your mistake was in not setting your amorous brother-in-law straight the first time he made a pass at you. Because you didn't, he thought his advances were welcome.

Now that you have made plain to him that you're not interested, you will probably have nothing more to worry about. But you are wise not to have him over unless your sister is with him.

I don't blame you for being angry, but do nothing until you cool off. The question then will be whether to tell Sis that her husband behaves inappropriately and how you know.

DEAR ABBY: I recently moved back to my home state and in with my grandmother to get away from my abusive husband. I have also filed for divorce. I love my grandmother dearly, but when it comes to the divorce or the therapy I go to weekly, she is not understanding and constantly brings up what he did to me.

I believe she's frustrated because I'm in therapy and she doesn't see a reason for me to go. She thinks "if it's not talked about, then it never happened." I have tried to explain to her that I can't just let go of what he did to me and my son. How can I make her understand that I'm trying to heal wounds that aren't visible from the outside?-- TRYING TO HEAL ON THE INSIDE

DEAR TRYING TO HEAL: Your grandmother may come from a generation in which therapy was something to be ashamed of. A way to help her understand the importance of what you are doing would be to invite her to a session with your therapist, let her air her concerns, and let the therapist explain to her why it is important that you work this through to become healthy again. This must be very uncomfortable for you, and you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a teenage girl living with my mom, who is a single parent, and my younger sister. We have struggled financially, but we mostly live a relatively comfortable life, and Mom owns her own home.

However, she constantly says things to me and my sister like, "We're so poor," or, "We're going to live under a bridge," even in public! We have asked her to stop several times, but she doesn't care that we are upset and embarrassed. How can I get her to stop?-- EMBARRASSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Rather than ask her to stop, don't you think you should approach her privately and ask why she is saying it? She may be joking, but her concerns could also be a holdover from when her financial situation was less secure. Please do it. Her response might be educational.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Jul 3, 2013
 

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1- If he's acting this way towards YOU, it's a good bet he's doing this to a lot of women. Tell your sister.

2- Yeah, she's from the old-school way of acting and behaving. People didn't get divorced, people didn't go to therapy or take five different medications everyday. And the world was a better place because of it. Just stop telling her every mundane detail about your life. Instead of saying you're going to therapy, say you're going to the salon.

3- Wah, wah, wah. Write back when you have a real problem. Like when your 25 yr old boyfriend who lives in the next trailer park over and has a mullet and a rusty pick-up truck knocks you up or gives you VD.

Since: Jan 10

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#3
Jul 3, 2013
 

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L1: I think you should tell your sister. I think if he's done this with you, he's done it to others.

L2: God, move out if it's such a pain. Free room and board has a price.

L3: It's your mom's job to embarrass you now and then to keep you humble. My mom tried to make me go to Kmart. "But mom, what if my friends see me in there!" Mom: "Doesn't that mean they're shopping at Kmart, too?"

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#4
Jul 3, 2013
 

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L1: I agree with edog and Angela (who, surprise surprise, agree with each other! haha).

L2: Combo of edog and Angela on this one. Stop telling her all the details and/or make plans to move out.

L3: Saying this kind of stuff in this context to kids is inappropriate, IMO, either in public or not. If the kids are asking for more than she can afford, mom just needs to tell them straight out. If it's not about the kids and mom is hinting that things are worse than they seem, she needs to not burden the kids with that, especially in a passive-aggressive or sarcastic way.

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Jul 3, 2013
 

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j_m_w wrote:
L3: Saying this kind of stuff in this context to kids is inappropriate, IMO, either in public or not. If the kids are asking for more than she can afford, mom just needs to tell them straight out. If it's not about the kids and mom is hinting that things are worse than they seem, she needs to not burden the kids with that, especially in a passive-aggressive or sarcastic way.
Good catch on LW3. "Way to make the kids feel like they're burdens!" I hadn't thought of it that way.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#6
Jul 3, 2013
 

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1: Grab his nuts the next time he tries anything, and give them a very healthy twist. Guaranteed to drop him to his knees.

2; Therapy? Fiddly-dee! In my day we repressed everything that happened to us so we could suffer over reliving it for years and we liked it!

3: Your mom is a kook. When you turn 18 get out of there and run for the hills.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
Jul 3, 2013
 

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1 Dont get your panties in a twist. So what, he copped a feel, get over it. Is this the first inappropriate advance you have ever received?

Yanno, in some African cultures the BIL is duty bound to service his SIL if she has no husband. Is He African? That could explain it.

2 Why are you telling grams at all? Isnt that why you're paying a therapist?

3 Quit asking for sheit she cant afford and she will quit trying to nicely tell you that there is no money to pay for it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#8
Jul 3, 2013
 

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j_m_w wrote:
L1: I agree with edog and Angela (who, surprise surprise, agree with each other! haha).
See? We're more alike than she wants to admit.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#9
Jul 3, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Good catch on LW3. "Way to make the kids feel like they're burdens!" I hadn't thought of it that way.
I speak from experience. My mom never said we'd end up under a bridge, but she used to complain to me about my dad's poor money management and spending. When I was 11, I remember not wanting to go back-to-school shopping because of it.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#10
Jul 3, 2013
 

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j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>I speak from experience. My mom never said we'd end up under a bridge, but she used to complain to me about my dad's poor money management and spending. When I was 11, I remember not wanting to go back-to-school shopping because of it.
My mom got a job the same time I switched to public school (freshman year), but before that, money was a constant *thing*. I think it's good to know about money management as a kid and we never went hungry, but it was f'n annoying. On top of that, for the longest time, my dad got paid once a month. Don't bother asking for anything the last half of the month, because the answer is an automatic 'No'. No wonder I couldn't wait to get a job...

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#11
Jul 3, 2013
 
I still say the kid is a whiney brat. I think race might be right.

"But ma! All the kids wear Pink and Gucci!"

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#12
Jul 3, 2013
 

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LW1: I like Saluki Rod's suggestion, but I doubt *she* has the cajones to do it.

I suspect that since you did finally make it clear you were uninterested, he will stop. Whether to tell your sister or not depends on how you feel about your sister.

LW2: Stop telling Grandma everything. And don't bother with asking her to come to therapy with you; she won't go and it'll piss her off.

LW3: I'm with RACE on this one. The mom is only saying these things in response to (what mom sees as) unreasonable requests for stuff. I'm surprised her public shaming hasn't gotten you two to smarten up.

Maybe find a job and start buying your own stuff.
Suzy

Elk Grove Village, IL

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#13
Jul 3, 2013
 

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Dave in the first letter sounds like one of those jerks who calls a woman a "b!tch" (or worse!) and then says he was only kidding! Like- "Oh, can't YOU take a joke??!!"

These guys always do something and then put it on you like it's YOUR fault for being offended.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#14
Jul 3, 2013
 

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Suzy wrote:
Dave in the first letter sounds like one of those jerks who calls a woman a "b!tch" (or worse!) and then says he was only kidding! Like- "Oh, can't YOU take a joke??!!"
These guys always do something and then put it on you like it's YOUR fault for being offended.
The btch was probably leading him on and teasing him by strutting around the house in a bikini

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#15
Jul 3, 2013
 
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I speak from experience. My mom never said we'd end up under a bridge, but she used to complain to me about my dad's poor money management and spending. When I was 11, I remember not wanting to go back-to-school shopping because of it.
i'm nit seeing a problem. Got you to get on board with not wasting money instead of being a little princess expecting the folks to buy you a bmw. I call that a win for mom.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#16
Jul 3, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>i'm nit seeing a problem. Got you to get on board with not wasting money instead of being a little princess expecting the folks to buy you a bmw. I call that a win for mom.
There's a difference between what you're describing and what I dealt with. I never asked for stuff, I always felt guilty. I think that's a little messed up. And growing up, we weren't poor by any means, but my dad was (and is) terrible with money. That's not something a child needs to know or worry about. If there's a legit budget, then sure, the kids need to understand that, but my situation was a little different than that.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#17
Jul 3, 2013
 

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j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
There's a difference between what you're describing and what I dealt with. I never asked for stuff, I always felt guilty. I think that's a little messed up. And growing up, we weren't poor by any means, but my dad was (and is) terrible with money. That's not something a child needs to know or worry about. If there's a legit budget, then sure, the kids need to understand that, but my situation was a little different than that.
It was my mom who couldn't and can't handle money or charge cards. The pain when she had to say No was all over her. the more dramatic memories are of lurking in the hall, hearing her quietly sob while my dad cut up the charge cards.I would have preferred more No's to having that in the memory bank

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#18
Jul 3, 2013
 

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j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
There's a difference between what you're describing and what I dealt with. I never asked for stuff, I always felt guilty. I think that's a little messed up. And growing up, we weren't poor by any means, but my dad was (and is) terrible with money. That's not something a child needs to know or worry about. If there's a legit budget, then sure, the kids need to understand that, but my situation was a little different than that.
i think guilt depends on your personality/emotionality. Two people can experience the same thing and one might feel guilt while yhe other does not. Guilt does not surface in my psyche. I didn't grow up with you, so I'll never knoe what it was really like, but i still don't see a problem.

I may be way off base, but to me, someone who would feel the guilt you describe would be likely to feel some kind of responsibility if their parents had a bad marriage. Mine had a terrible marriage and i never felt any responsibility.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#19
Jul 7, 2013
 

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Thats because you're a droid!
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> Mine had a terrible marriage and i never felt any responsibility.

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