“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Oct 24, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am a divorcee in my 40s who is in a committed relationship with a man who is also divorced. Neither of our marriages were happy ones. We stayed in them for all the wrong reasons. We have been together for three years, live together, love each other unconditionally and have talked extensively about getting married.

My question is, am I wrong to expect a traditional proposal with an engagement ring? It is important to me that he would think enough of me to plan one. I feel if he did it for his first wife, he should do the same -- or more -- for me. Would it be in bad taste to mention this?-- ASKING TOO MUCH? IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ASKING TOO MUCH?: Unless one of your companion's attributes is clairvoyance, express your feelings. He may not be aware that you would feel somehow cheated if he doesn't come forth with a gesture that is "equal or better" than what his ex received. Consider carefully what resulted from that first fancy proposal.

An essential ingredient in a successful relationship is the ability to express one's wants and needs to the other partner. I would only suggest that when you do, your thoughts are couched as a request and not a demand.

DEAR ABBY: Enlighten me, please. A friend told me her daughter is expecting. She has not said one word about a boyfriend or marriage. How do I diplomatically ask, "Who is the father?"

People in my generation already knew the answer. Marriage came first. Is this now "none of my business"? The grandma-to-be has offered no clue. Can you help me out?-- OUT OF THE LOOP OUT WEST
DEAR OUT OF THE LOOP: If Grandma-to-be is keeping mum, you can bet there's a reason. If the father was Prince Harry, she would be trumpeting it from the rooftops. Your friend may not know who the father is or have some other reason for not disclosing it. Unless you want to tiptoe through a minefield, my advice is don't go there.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl who suffers from what I'm afraid is obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have known for four years, but I never told my parents. I finally opened up to them a few days ago, and I thought they wanted to help. But later I heard them mock my condition and laugh about it.

Abby, I thought my parents wanted to help me, but it's becoming clear that they don't. They have offered me therapy, but I'm scared they will mock me for that, too. Now I'm afraid to go. Should I?-- O.C.D. DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: When people don't understand something, unfortunately they sometimes laugh at it. However, are you absolutely certain that what your parents were laughing about concerned you and not something else? I find it hard to believe that loving parents would laugh at their child's discomfort.

You should by all means take them up on their offer of talking to a therapist. It is the surest way to find a solution for your problem. And when you do, tell the therapist you think you heard your parents laugh about your problem, because if it's true and they are not aware of how serious the problem may be, the therapist can explain it to them.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#2 Oct 24, 2013
LW1: I agree he can't read your mind so you'll have to say something. But I don't understand why you feel you have to compete with the first wife's proposal. That smacks of insecurity. And it's a bit childish, too.

LW2: Not your business. Wait and see if the kid looks like his uncle.

LW3: Take the therapy. I agree that the parenst could have very well been laughing at something else. You're stressed and worried, so you can't help but see the worst possible explanation. I like the idea of mentioning what you thought you heard to the therapist, too.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Oct 24, 2013
1 greedy wench! How about YOU propose?

2 Baby daddy is a gang banger selling ho's on the corner, and also her pimp.

3 Ha! Cute little kid, confusing hormones with OCD. Now why would your parents mock that?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Oct 24, 2013
3- You shouldn't obsess over thi... oh, right....

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Oct 24, 2013
L1: Yes. You are wrong to expect anything. You can wish for something. To expect something you actually have to discuss that and he'd have to be up for it.

L2: I'd ask, but I'm nosy like that.

L3: Go to a therapist. Sounds like you need it for more than one reason.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Oct 24, 2013
LW1: What Stina said.

LW2: Your friend does not want to have to explain how her daughter is in a same-sex relationship and the baby daddy is some anonymous sperm doner.

LW3: Take the therapy and try to be a little less sensitive. I doubt your parents were laughing at you.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#7 Oct 24, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: Yes. You are wrong to expect anything. You can wish for something. To expect something you actually have to discuss that and he'd have to be up for it.
THIS.

Try being grateful for what you have.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#8 Oct 24, 2013
LW2: I wouldn't ask. I probably wouldn't have to ask because people usually tell me the whole story. Both RACE and squishymama are on the right track. There's a reason she's not telling you. That just makes you more curious! What you *could* do without seeming too inquisitive is ask how her daughter is doing, any morning sickness, stuff like that, and that opens the door for her to spill.

LW3: Take the therapy and get a clear diagnosis. And maybe the parents were laughing. Humor might be their way of dealing with their fear that you might have a serious condition.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#9 Oct 24, 2013
LW1 - Sorry, but the traditional proposal seems a little belated when you are already living as husband and wife, just without a formal contract establishing this as a legal fact with the state. If you want to get married, then start discussing marriage. You can start. You don't have to wait for him to start the conversation.

LW2 - "Is this now none of my business"? Yes. In fact, it has ALWAYS been none of your business. When my great-grandma was a little girl 120 years ago, it was also rude to ask "Who's the father?"
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#10 Oct 24, 2013
Lw2: Why do you care? For all the information given here, the grandma-to-be could be one of those people who don't do the overly annoying "talk about all couples as if they are attached at the hip" and the daughter/her husband have been married for a decade. I happen to know that when my mom learned that I was pregnant, she went around telling people "I'm going to be a grandma! My daughter is having a baby!" and that was about the extent of that.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#11 Oct 24, 2013
1: There's nothing wrong with it, but his ex has nothing to do with it. You want it and it's not an uncommon practice.

2: How close is this friend? I love not being afraid to ask simple questions to my friends. If they don't want me to know, they will tell me. ;p

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Oct 24, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
LW1:I don't understand why you feel you have to compete with the first wife's proposal. That smacks of insecurity.
This
pde wrote:
Lw2: Why do you care? For all the information given here, the grandma-to-be could be one of those people who don't do the overly annoying "talk about all couples as if they are attached at the hip" and the daughter/her husband have been married for a decade. I happen to know that when my mom learned that I was pregnant, she went around telling people "I'm going to be a grandma! My daughter is having a baby!" and that was about the extent of that.
This.
RACE wrote:
3 Ha! Cute little kid, confusing hormones with OCD. Now why would your parents mock that?
This

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