Abby 10-3

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“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Oct 3, 2012
 
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Aaron," had an affair with the woman next door. We were close friends. I found out three months ago, and needless to say I'm not happy about it. My husband and I spent a lot of time with her (he obviously more than I).

Aaron swears the affair is over, and he wants us to become a close threesome again.(She's in the process of divorcing her husband, who knows nothing about the affair.)

The three of us have gone to the beach, to the lake, dancing -- just like old times. My husband is thrilled; I am miserable.

I am not convinced the affair is over, so I feel compelled to keep my eye on them. Every time we go out together, I come home upset and frustrated. Aaron says I'm being unreasonable and keeping him on a "short leash." He sees no reason why we can't all be friends -- but I have no desire to be friends with her.

Aaron and I have been together more than 20 years. I don't want to divorce him. I need to know what to do without driving him back into her arms. I have suggested counseling. He says he doesn't need it. What do you think I should do about this awkward situation?-- NOT LOVING MY NEIGHBOR

DEAR NOT LOVING: Three is a crowd, and your husband's insistence that you continue this painful and degrading threesome is highly suspicious. Please waste no time in getting counseling. If your husband refuses, go without him. It will make you stronger and help you to feel better about yourself at a time when you need it most.

You may not "want" a divorce, but be smart and discuss your options and a fair division of property with a lawyer now, so should a divorce be thrust upon you, you will be prepared in advance. You should also talk to a CPA, who can help you locate all the assets in your marriage. This will also give you peace of mind when you tell your husband that the threesome is history. I wish you the best of luck.

DEAR ABBY: My longtime friend "Mona," a busy professional and social butterfly, had a baby last year. Her son is now a toddler. Aside from his regular day care, Mona is lining up baby sitters so she can resume her social life.

She has asked me to volunteer. I do not relate well to young children. I have had no experience with them and, quite frankly, want none.

Mona has always known this, but when I told her I didn't think it would work out for me to baby-sit, she took offense and accused me of being a bad friend.

Now I feel guilty because Mona has always been good to me. However, I'm more than a little resentful that she put me in this position, knowing how I feel about kids. How should I handle this?-- NOT KEEN ON KIDS

DEAR NOT KEEN ON KIDS: True friends don't impose on their friends for baby-sitting services when they've been told it would be awkward. Stand your ground and don't allow yourself to be manipulated. You shouldn't feel guilty about your feelings. Many people feel the same way.

DEAR ABBY: This morning as I was wheeling my grocery cart to the "return" area in our local grocery store parking lot, a boy of about 9 had the nerve to tell me, "Don't smoke."

While I agree with parents who teach their children that smoking is harmful, I also feel they should teach their children to respect their elders (I'm 52) and to mind their own business.

Am I wrong to feel this child was out of line?-- LIGHTING UP IN MIMS, FLA.

DEAR LIGHTING UP: The child was not being disrespectful -- he was being honest. From the mouths of babes ...

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Oct 3, 2012
 

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L1: Dump this insensitive, uncaring idiot NOW. You don't want a divorce? Well, you can't have what you want: A faithful husband who's contrite and wants to work on his marriage. I guarantee you, he's still sleeping with her.

L2: She sounds like a lousy friend, quite frankly. I rarely get asked to babysit -- friends don't want to impose. but when I offer, 9 times out of 10 they take me up on it. Or suggest an alternative: "We're going to the park with TK and her girls that day, want to join us?"

L3: I would have told the kid to mind his own effing business and to not tell adults what to do. I HATE when kids think they can boss adults around. I've put Nick's 10yo in place a couple of times (with Nick's blessing).
cjzag

Port Washington, NY

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#3
Oct 3, 2012
 

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L1: Why on earth would you want to stay married to this jerk? I'd pack his bags, change the locks and tell him to stay with the neighbour.

L2: She wants you to babysit while she goes out to party with *other* friends? Hell no!! Tell her to find someone who actually likes kids to babysit and that you'll join her kids-free social life. Sheesh!

L3: Kid says "don't smoke" I'd reply "don't talk to strangers".
cjzag

Port Washington, NY

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#4
Oct 3, 2012
 
P.S.- I'm not in Oakland, NJ. Never been there probably never will. Where does this system come up with these things?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#5
Oct 3, 2012
 

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LW1: You sound like a moron for letting things go back to how they were before the affair. I can understand a preference to repair the relationship instead of divorce, but things can never be the same as they were before the affair like your husband is pushing. You go out dancing with this woman? Does she find other men to dance with or does she dance with your husband. I think its time to call the lawyers.

"You should also talk to a CPA, who can help you locate all the assets in your marriage."

Just curious as to how this works. If one spouse opens a bank account in their name only and has their work address on record, how woulda CPA be able to find that account that he does not even know exists?

LW2: Tell her if she insists on leaving her kid with someone who is not good with kids, then she's a bad mom.

On a side note, I wonder what LW considers "lining up baby sitters" and what kind of social butterfly life she's leading? Is she lining up baby sitters for every night of the week, or is she going out sans baby once a week on Saturday? I don't see any problem with the latter. If my MIL lived in town, we likely would have gone out just me and the missus a lot more than we have.

LW3:I Agree with abby.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#6
Oct 3, 2012
 

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LW1: You are you a complete doormat. You need a brain transplant.

LW2: I think itís rude to ask a friend for a favor and when they turn you down to make them feel bad about it or accuse them of being a bad friend. She sounds very manipulative.

LW3: What cjzag said.
dahgts

Chicago, IL

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#7
Oct 3, 2012
 
L3: So by Abby's reasoning if a kid is doing something (not dangerous or life threatening),I as a stranger don't like then I'm perfectly within my rights to correct him. Out of the mouths of adults, you know. She's a moronic wretch.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#8
Oct 3, 2012
 
L1: I don't want a divorce but I don't want to do anything rational either. Quite the quandry you're in.

L2: I think some people think that their babies have magical adorable power that make the childless want to spend time with them and then have their own babies as a result of its adorableness. I have a friend like that, but she's not a b1tch about me not wanting to babysit.

L3: A 9 year old is not a 3 year old. A normal 9 year old should have more decorum and sense than that. And yes, it was disrespectful, Abby.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#9
Oct 3, 2012
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: I would have told the kid to mind his own effing business and to not tell adults what to do. I HATE when kids think they can boss adults around. I've put Nick's 10yo in place a couple of times (with Nick's blessing).
You interpret that as kids bossing adults around? Really? I interpret that as an outgoing non-shy kid parroting the company line that he's been taught for years in school and on One-To-Grow-On commercials on tv. I think that kid is just more comfortable talking to people in general, but is saying what they shy kid is thinking.

Are you of the kids should be seen and not heard line of thinking? While I certainly want my kids to be respectful of everyone, I don't see "don't smoke" as being disrespectful. Its not disrespectful for a kid to say that to another kid, I don't see how its different saying it to an adult.

Since: Jan 10

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#10
Oct 3, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>You interpret that as kids bossing adults around? Really? I interpret that as an outgoing non-shy kid parroting the company line that he's been taught for years in school and on One-To-Grow-On commercials on tv. I think that kid is just more comfortable talking to people in general, but is saying what they shy kid is thinking.
Are you of the kids should be seen and not heard line of thinking? While I certainly want my kids to be respectful of everyone, I don't see "don't smoke" as being disrespectful. Its not disrespectful for a kid to say that to another kid, I don't see how its different saying it to an adult.
I think there's a big grey area between "kids should be seen and not heard" and a kid telling an adult to not smoke. and you're right, it's parroting. I'm not going to tolerate a 10yo telling me that "crap" is a bad word. Shut it, kid. I'll use the language I want to use. You're lucky I didn't say "shit." "Crap" was cleaning it up for you kids.

Since: Jan 10

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#11
Oct 3, 2012
 

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IOW, kids don't get to correct adults on lots of stuff. If we're talking about something factual and the kid says, "No, Joe Montana played for the 49ers, not the Bears," fine. but telling me what to do or not to do, or what not to say? That doesn't fly with me.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#12
Oct 3, 2012
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
IOW, kids don't get to correct adults on lots of stuff. If we're talking about something factual and the kid says, "No, Joe Montana played for the 49ers, not the Bears," fine. but telling me what to do or not to do, or what not to say? That doesn't fly with me.
Let's look at it another way. Do you feel that there are things another adult could tell you that a kid is out of line saying(barring age appropriate content)? If another adult told me not to smoke, I'd tell him to go f himself. But the kid's social graces are not as well developed as what an adult's should be, so to me, I give a little leeway. I don't want any stranger walking up to me and correcting my behavior. The fact that its a kid does not make it worse for me. Hypothetically speaking, I think a kid should be free to tell me anything an adult is free to tell me. Off the top of my head, I can't really think of any scenarios that don't apply.

As for you "crap" scenario, again, I don't see a big deal. Kid is taught from day one that certain words are off limits, yet here you are using them. Its an inconsistent message when the adults around don't lead by example. If he used those words, he'd likely catch hell. If his brother said "crap" and he told him not to say it, he'd probably get a pat on the back from dad for that. But he gets shit on for telling you the same thing?
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#13
Oct 3, 2012
 
cjzag wrote:
P.S.- I'm not in Oakland, NJ. Never been there probably never will. Where does this system come up with these things?
The assigned physical location of the IP address you're posting from. So, if your IP address is one that belongs to your ISP or company, its defined physical location may be a network operations center in Oakland, NJ. It's then "assigned" to your computer, where ever your computer may be, when you connect to the network. But its physical location is the networks operations center where the router assigning the IP address to you resides.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Oct 3, 2012
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
but telling me what to do or not to do, or what not to say? That doesn't fly with me.
I would be more put off by adults telling me what not to do or say. Presumably, they are more socially developed.

Since: Jan 10

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#15
Oct 3, 2012
 
I wouldn't tolerate adults telling me that stuff, either. I wasn't allowed to correct adults when I was a kid (my mom would correct our grammar, but would say things wrong herself)("I seen that"), I don't expect kids to correct me now.
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

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#16
Oct 3, 2012
 

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Hopefully Tonka does not have any children. If he does, they are obviously obnoxious brats.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#17
Oct 3, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I would be more put off by adults telling me what not to do or say. Presumably, they are more socially developed.
More put off? Sure. But that doesn't mean I'd think "Oh, gee, isn't that cute?" when a kid did it.

Since: Jan 10

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#18
Oct 3, 2012
 
Tonka does have kids and they sound pretty cool to me. He is proud when they hold open the door for strangers unasked, or when they say "please" and "thank you" to waitresses, again without being prompted.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#19
Oct 3, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I would be more put off by adults telling me what not to do or say. Presumably, they are more socially developed.
That still doesn't make it okay for a child to do so, and if a parent is around, who is going to convey that to the child, but for the person in the LW's shoes.

I know kids say things all the time and they don't understand how they sound to an adult. I don't think they should be punished harshly, but when my kids do that, I say, it's not okay to talk like that ... that's disrespectful -it makes you sound bratty and you also make me look like a bad parent when you speak like that.

Abby's basic approach was it's true ... so it's okay, which you agreed with. I don't think most of us agree with that.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

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#20
Oct 3, 2012
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>You interpret that as kids bossing adults around? Really? I interpret that as an outgoing non-shy kid parroting the company line that he's been taught for years in school and on One-To-Grow-On commercials on tv. I think that kid is just more comfortable talking to people in general, but is saying what they shy kid is thinking.
Are you of the kids should be seen and not heard line of thinking? While I certainly want my kids to be respectful of everyone, I don't see "don't smoke" as being disrespectful. Its not disrespectful for a kid to say that to another kid, I don't see how its different saying it to an adult.
Oh, I think it was disrespectful if he said as "Don't smoke," which is essentially a command. If he said, "Ma'am, smoking is bad for your health and can result in lung cancer," I'd say he was just sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. It is absolutely rude to correct an adult's behavior whether you are a kid or an adult. The only exception is if that behavior is directly affecting you and violates your rights. As much as I hate to smell cigarette smoke, people are still allowed to smoke outside. If she was smoking inside or blowing smoke at him, then I would feel differently.

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