Comments
1 - 20 of 20 Comments Last updated Sep 8, 2013

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Sep 6, 2013
DEAR AMY: My wife and I have been married for more than 25 years. During our engagement (all those years ago) she had a three-week affair. I did not want to lose her and made that very clear. She said the affair "meant nothing" but never apologized.

We now have three wonderful children and a very nice life together. The problem is, I constantly rehash these past circumstances in my mind nearly every single day. I often think about how my life would be different if I had bailed out back then. She is keenly aware of how much this hurt me.

My wife is very happily married and, really, so am I. I think these thoughts have intensified since our children have become young adults. Watching them in their relationships makes me wonder what her reaction would be if my son's fiancee cheated on him.

How should I handle this? Involving my wife in this matter now is out of the question.-- Very Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: So far, your wife's three-week fling has caused you approximately 25 years of anxiety. If you want to move forward, you should not turn over any more of your personal power to this ancient betrayal.

Please don't say that involving your wife in this issue is out of the question. You declare that you need an apology (I agree), but this will be impossible if you won't discuss it. This is not fair to you or your wife.

At this point in your marriage, you should choose to be brave enough to face this issue honestly and directly. Continuing to ruminate on the path not taken will prevent you from growing, in or out of your marriage.

Give yourself a gift and see a counselor with expertise in dealing with men in midlife. Unmask. Be vulnerable. And let your wife in.

DEAR AMY: Early on, I warned my daughter about her boyfriend's clingy mother, though otherwise she is a lovely, generous person who adores my daughter.

The boyfriend still lives at home at age 29 but works and attends school and pays his own way. He's a respectful son who will drop everything to help his parents.

When he is out late or when the two of them are away together, "Mom" will call and text my daughter if the son hasn't contacted her in what she feels is a timely manner. My daughter has often been awakened in the middle of the night by phone calls or texts from his mother asking where the son is.

My daughter has begun turning off her phone at night. She announced on Facebook that she's getting more sleep now that she isn't being disturbed by calls and texts. The boyfriend's mother is incensed, posting on Facebook that my daughter has now shown her "true colors."

I felt from the beginning that the mother, despite being a lovely woman, would be the deal breaker in this relationship, since the son showed few signs of breaking the cycle of dependency.

Is it possible to escape a clingy relationship with a parent, or should one "run for the hills" if someone you're seeing is trapped in one of these?-- P

DEAR P: I'd say if a son is 29, living at home and still tied that closely to his mother, he would have to work very hard to create and maintain adult boundaries, and he doesn't seem willing to do this, perhaps because he likes things as they are.

At the same time, however, your daughter's choice to announce her triumph on Facebook shows questionable judgment. The boyfriend might be the one who should run for the hills. He is trapped between two passive-aggressive women.

DEAR AMY: Your answer to "EF in California" is ridiculous. You said that 9 is the age when a child should use a public restroom alone. This kind of overprotectiveness is part of what's wrong with families today. My 5-year-old uses the restroom alone and does a fine job.-- Loving Mom

DEAR MOM: The variables here are the child and the restroom, but if you are sending a 5-year-old into a large restroom (at a beach, park or highway rest stop), I do think you should be more cautious.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Sep 6, 2013
L1: I think you've betrayed your marriage more than your wife did, if you've been carrying this albatross around your neck for 25 years. Counseling.

L2: Geezus f kryste, what the hell is wrong with ALL THREE OF YOU?(Son is excluded. He should run far away from immature mommy and immature girlfriend, and from a PITA future MIL.)

L3: Amy, shove it. Helicopter parents who are terrified that there's a child molester lurking around every corner to the point where they think kids can't go use the bathroom alone at McDonald's until they are nine (fourth grade, as that original column said) drive me bonkers. You're not doing your kids any favors. I have minimal respect for hyperprotective parents.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#3 Sep 6, 2013
2- Ironically, the LW also sounds clingy.
liner

Patchogue, NY

#4 Sep 6, 2013
L1: "My wife is very happily married and, really, so am I."
.
Apparently, not to each other.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#5 Sep 6, 2013
1. So after the obligatory shouting of "my gawd! Stop your whining and be a man!", I gotta ask why you would still marry your fiancé after a 3- week affair? It sounds like you are still looking for your lost self-respect. Man up!

2. Your daughter and her future MIL are both douches. Marrying that mama's boy will result in a divorce without a doubt.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Sep 6, 2013
LW1: Ruminate is right! It's time to get rid of these bad feelings. Counceling.

LW2: What Red said.

LW3: Always have to be right, dontcha Amy.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Sep 6, 2013
LW1: You canít go back and undo things. It also does no good to constantly dwell on the past. You made your choice 25 years ago and have to live with it.

I would have kicked her to the curb, myself, and would have never regretted it. If you had more self-respect, you would have too. I can only imagine how this spineless wimp felt on his wedding night ... I mean, how do you just charge ahead with marriage after that and feel good about it?

LW2: She has to decide what she wants more, the mommaís boy or to not deal with a mom like his.

She really should be pushing him more to be more independent, and if he wonít do so, then she will know it will never change and she still has the same choice to make, i.e. him and the weird dynamic with his mom or someone else.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#8 Sep 6, 2013
Dear Amy,
How do I convince my daughter's boyfriend's mom to stay out of their relationship? I am in charge...not her!

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Sep 6, 2013
L1: Amy's right. Eek! But she is. You have to talk to your wife. At this point it's the LW cheating his wife out of a portion of the relationship. I can't imagine marrying someone who cheated on me right before getting married, especially without at least an apology.

L2: My first thought was, "Moron, posting on facebook about her MIL." They all have issues. Mother too clingy. 29 year old too dependent. LW, knows WAY too much about daughter's relationship and daughter is immature posting that crap on FB.

L3: This rehash belongs in the toilet.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#10 Sep 6, 2013
1.If you have held onto to this for 25 years and have no reason to think she has repeated the behavior which occurred BEFORE you got married, I agree, YOU have a problem that needs counseling. I can only imagine how your wife will /would feel being hit with this particular blast from the past. It will undermine any assumptions she has had about her marriage fro the last quarter century. Don't involve her in the counseling.

2. I am wondering if this is a 1st generation or even, a non-US family. Both mothers sound horrible.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Sep 6, 2013
Nicely done, team!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#12 Sep 6, 2013
Toj wrote:
They all have issues. Mother too clingy. 29 year old too dependent. LW, knows WAY too much about daughter's relationship and daughter is immature posting that crap on FB.
Agree. But I'm curious HOW bf's mother knows what his girlfriend is posting on FB? Are they FB friends? Is it common to "friend" your bf/gf's mother? Is the mother looking on her son's FB page? And how does the LW know about it all? Are they ALL FB friends? There's so much weird here I can't wade through it all.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#13 Sep 6, 2013
1: I feel badly for him. Infidelity is gross and once trust is ruined, it will forever taint the realtionship. He never should've married her. Cheating during your engagement is lame.

2: I don't care about FB but dang--this mom is psycho! Getting mad because her son's gf won't answer every call/text late at night??
Oh heck naw....she needs to tell bf and HE needs to put his mommy in her place and pop her tiddy out of his mouth!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Sep 6, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
1: I feel badly for him. Infidelity is gross and once trust is ruined, it will forever taint the realtionship.
heh heh. she said taint.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#15 Sep 6, 2013
LW1: Some people do strange things during an engagement. I once worked with a woman who started seeing someone else, broke up with her fiancť, and then immediately got engaged to the new guy. Another former co-worker was given an unforgettable bachelor party with some sleazy strippers and allegedly had his way with one of them. I'm not saying these things are right; they are not, but there is something about impending marriage that causes some people to give into the desire to have one last fling. You, LW, have chosen to hold onto the pain of this betrayal for 25 years. That is far too long. You need to get into counseling and let it go. You have 3 wonderful children and a nice life. Count your blessings.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#16 Sep 6, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>heh heh. she said taint.
Again, I'm still not getting this weird reference.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Sep 6, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>
Again, I'm still not getting this weird reference.
I posted a link to the definition on Urban Dictionary. Obviously, you have not studied up.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#18 Sep 6, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I posted a link to the definition on Urban Dictionary. Obviously, you have not studied up.
Well, I responded to this post before that one, sheesh.
I don't live on here like some people.
And I'm not clicking a link. If no one can type it, I really can't care anymore...

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#21 Sep 7, 2013
3: 't aint quite your arse and't aint quite your bollocks it that bit in between

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#22 Sep 8, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Agree. But I'm curious HOW bf's mother knows what his girlfriend is posting on FB? Are they FB friends? Is it common to "friend" your bf/gf's mother? Is the mother looking on her son's FB page? And how does the LW know about it all? Are they ALL FB friends? There's so much weird here I can't wade through it all.
She could be friends with her son and so she sees those postings b/c of his settings. Who knows.

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