Amy 11-6

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“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Nov 6, 2012
 
DEAR AMY: I am a happily married man in my mid-40s. There is a lady that works in the same office, and we visit with each other a couple of times a day. She is also married.

We have been very friendly for a few years; we confide in each other about work stuff, and we sometimes phone and text small tidbits of information after work. Occasionally, we will have lunch or grab a cocktail after work. We have never been romantic.

I know there is "chemistry" between us, and I know she recognizes this as well. I have noticed a growing closeness between us, but I have never addressed this issue. I recognize a need to change our situation.

I am confused because I am happy in my marriage, but at the same time I can't ignore my feelings for my co-worker. Is there a way I can "reverse" our relationship without hurting anyone or jeopardizing anyone's career?-- Hopelessly Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: Your query perfectly illustrates an "emotional affair" in its earlier stages. These relationships grow over time and participants face any number of opportunities to change the nature of the relationship -- but they don't change it because they don't want to.

You can alter this work relationship by behaving differently. Limit your private time and private communication. No more lunches unless other colleagues are with you. No after-hours cocktails unless your wife can join you. Don't generate or return an after-work phone call or text unless it is a work emergency (otherwise deal with it the next day).

In short, treat this person the way you treat your other workplace friends. Be aware that there are special risks with this friendship -- so work hard to avoid them. This could be painful as you adjust, but you can adjust as you shift your professional relationship from becoming too intimate.

DEAR AMY: I'm a 74-year-old man who was married for 29 years and has been divorced for 25 years. My religious beliefs and avoiding the possibility of repeating that experience have kept me single.

On occasion lately, I've visited the apartment of a woman who is a fellow volunteer. I have no romantic interest in her, nor does she in me, and that is fine with both of us. Recently I drove her to a medical appointment. She was going to be quite early, so I asked her to stop by my apartment beforehand to listen to some music we had discussed. She adamantly refused. That irked me and made me think I should cease my visits to her place.

But then I wondered if I was behaving naively. Do women who go to men's apartments believe that in doing so they have automatically agreed to sex?-- Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: Your friend might feel nervous about visiting your apartment for any number of reasons, including the possibility that you will somehow "get the wrong idea" about her. When she invites you to her place, she feels more in control of the situation.

She may also have a misguided idea that men's apartments are caves populated by mountains of tube socks. Preserve your friendship by giving her the benefit of the doubt.

DEAR AMY: I agree with your advice to "Meat Lovers" regarding their future in-laws' vegan Thanksgiving requirements. One of our family members is vegan, and we make extra provisions for him at holidays. He comes and seems to enjoy himself, although he may ask to be served first to avoid cross-contamination. At times, he has asked to inspect our recipes.

Some people use food rules to avoid interacting with others, and that's their choice. Inviting them, offering to make reasonable accommodations for them and graciously accepting their response is often the best you can do.-- Flexitarian in N.C.

DEAR FLEXITARIAN: You are demonstrating a wonderful and accommodating Thanksgiving spirit.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#2
Nov 6, 2012
 

Judged:

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L1: What do you do? NOT stick your peep in her, to borrow a phrase from chel.

L2: Oh geez, was this written by an oldster or a junior high student?

L3: cross-contamination is a bit strong of a term

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#3
Nov 6, 2012
 
lw1: "Limit your private time and private communication. No more lunches unless other colleagues are with you. No after-hours cocktails unless your wife can join you. Don't generate or return an after-work phone call or text unless it is a work emergency (otherwise deal with it the next day).
In short, treat this person the way you treat your other workplace friends. "

Advice was fine till the last line. I gave onw on one lunches with other co workers. I send & rcv non work emails & calls after work to other co workers. He actually needs to treat her different than other co-workers.

Lw2:what amy said.

Since: Jan 10

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#4
Nov 6, 2012
 

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L1: Yay for you! For realizing that it's slippery slope territory and that you need to dial things back. I think Amy gave good advice here.

L2: Betches be crazy! No, seriously, she wigged out probably for the reasons Amy said. Tell the woman you want a friendship, nothing more, and if she wants the same, she needs to learn to reciprocate now and then.

L3: Bo-ring.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
Nov 6, 2012
 

Judged:

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1 How can otherwise intelligent people be unable to figure this stuff out? Bed her and get it over with, then get back to work.

2 Tell her to F* off, that beyotch do wanna know, forget her.

3 Inspect you recipe? F* that! show him a recipe for lettuce swimming in beef broth!

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#6
Nov 6, 2012
 
1- Second day in a row my work girlfriend brought me cookies! Oatmeal butterscotch!

3- Served first to avoid cross contamination? Inspecting the recepie? What a pill.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#7
Nov 6, 2012
 

Judged:

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L1: Dial it back is all and instead of call your co-worker, call your wife.

L2: Invite a group and include her. That way she'll be certain you're not trying to change the relationship to a "romantic" one.

L3: Hmm. Okay.
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

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#8
Nov 6, 2012
 
1. Gee, I don't know, back off?

2. Wait, what? She declines to come listen to music so you want to cut her off? Please, stay single.

3. Inspect my recipes? Um, no. If you are that uptight you can bring your own utensils and food and eat at the kids' table. If you are going to have the unique diet, then you accommodate others.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#9
Nov 6, 2012
 

Judged:

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Toj wrote:
L1: Dial it back is all and instead of call your co-worker, call your wife.

L3: Hmm. Okay.
Or--LW1 could try to befriend the lady's husband.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#10
Nov 6, 2012
 

Judged:

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LW2 - how old are you?!?!? although, i'll be giggling all afternoon at the image of a cave of tube socks...

LW3 - that guest seems a little "better" than the one in hte original....

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