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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jan 8, 2013
DEAR AMY: My wife and I deadlocked over a critical issue. We have, after years of procrastinating, tried to put our estate in order. With two minor children, we must choose people who would become their guardians if my wife and I both died.

We might as well be the Red Sox and the Yankees. She wants her brother and sister-in-law, who live out of state, to be our choice. While I have issues with their parenting "style," I think it is very important that, in this unlikely scenario, we try and maintain as much stability, e.g. same school, same friends, same surroundings, remaining near my parents (their grandparents), etc.

I have chosen my best friend, "Justin," and his wife. I have no siblings. I have known him since I was 2 years old, and he has consistently proved himself to be as close to "blood" as any true blood relative (and better than some). He is my family.

He and his wife live two miles from where we live and would give our three children stability at a challenging time. We have sought the help of a psychologist, but she has been unable to help us see the other side to the point of changing our "vote."

What do you suggest?-- Not Dead Yet Dad

DEAR DAD: You and your wife should consult an attorney to determine the custody laws in your state.

Recognizing that the odds of this happening are minuscule, if you both died it would be best for the children to have as stable a life as possible, with few transitions, such as moving -- and to be raised by people who share your basic values and parenting philosophy.

You also need to factor in the abilities (including financial) and willingness of your respective choices. If you ask each couple if they would be willing to do this, their response might help you and your wife make a joint decision.

My understanding is that if you both died without naming a guardian, the court would decide, based on what it determines is in the best interest of the children. For now, if you and your wife cannot decide on one guardian, you could each write a letter enclosed with your will promoting your own choice, which a judge would be able to use as testimonials to render a decision. Run this idea past your lawyer.

DEAR AMY: I passed a milestone birthday a couple of months ago. My adult son (who lives less than 20 miles from me) was supposed to celebrate with me for dinner on the Saturday following my birthday.

He had a meeting and suggested lunch Sunday instead. I said that I didn't think that lunch was terribly celebratory. And it was dropped. Nothing -- not a daisy, not a chocolate kiss, not even an index card saying happy birthday came from him. I would have been happy to see him any evening, but instead I got nothing.

He has a milestone birthday coming soon, and I am angry and hurt. Should I ignore it and just say, "I thought we weren't doing that anymore." Should I swallow my pain and forget my hurt feelings?

There are no other family members, so we only have each other.-- Waiting

DEAR WAITING: You need to take a long view and see if your disappointment is intense enough to fracture your relationship with your son. I agree with you that he shouldn't have completely dropped the birthday ball, but I disagree that a lunch isn't "celebratory" enough. He must have been very discouraged to hear this from you. You should acknowledge this.

Don't go the passive-aggressive route. Have an honest conversation about this, and make a determination to start fresh.

DEAR AMY: I laughed my head off at the letter from "PO'd Husband," who was defending his wife's defenselessness over the bowl of communal candy at the office.

My mother was right: There is a lid for every pot. These two are perfect for each other.-- Amused

DEAR AMUSED: Many readers agreed with you (and me) that this co-worker needed to find her own way to cope with the temptation of candy at the office.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Jan 8, 2013
1- Your friend sounds like the better option assuming he's even willing to take on the responsibility. Maybe they don't even want kids considering they don't have any.

2- Am I reading this right? A birthday lunch isn't good enough and you want a birthday dinner? And you're gonna ignore his birthday if he doesn't comply? Grow up.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Jan 8, 2013
LW1: Amy's passing th buck idea does not really solve anything.

LW2: Big crybaby. He offered to celebrate with you. You turned him down.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Jan 8, 2013
L1: So Amy essentially thinks a judge should make this decision. Really?

L2: You're an annoying pill. "I would have been happy to see him any evening" But not apparently for lunch?

I'd stop calling you as well. And your immaturity and ridiculousness are evident in your willingness to hold a grudge over HIS birthday in order to get even with him.

"There are no other family members, so we only have each other." You have no friends? I'm shocked.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#5 Jan 8, 2013
1 This can't be the only issue you two argue about.........

2 Grow up. You appear to be overly-expectant regarding your b-day celebrations. I bet you told your spouse that a birthday party was in order too, didn't you?
liner

Delray Beach, FL

#6 Jan 8, 2013
L1: Put your kids up for adoption.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#7 Jan 8, 2013
L1: I say ask both couples. Your decision might be made for you.

L2: What do you mean lunch isn't celebratory? It's called day drinking!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Jan 8, 2013
Saluki Rod wrote:
2 Grow up. You appear to be overly-expectant regarding your b-day celebrations. I bet you told your spouse that a birthday party was in order too, didn't you?
I am not looking forward to my wife's 40th birthday. She is all about making a big deal out of them. I am not. For my 40th, she threw a big party. Don't get me wrong. I'm not anti party. But I don't feel it necessary. I would have been happy without one(and especially without the expense). That party cost us probably over $500. She felt I was a buzz kill cause every time she asked me something about the party, my main concern was the cost of the question. I told her to stop asking me if she didn't like my answers. Every question made me see $$'s jumping over the fence.

So as I said, I dread hers, cause I know I'm going to be expected to make a big giant deal out of it. For her last birthday, we had a party and she pretty much ran the show. One small issue out of many: I would have been fine with a mish mosh of leftover paper plates from kids parties and previous holiday parties and such. Hell no. That would look tacky. I don't care. To me, those plates serve a function. I don't care what's on them. With her, its as much about presentation. I don't care about presentation. Give me practical and cost saving. Ugghhh. Her 40th is gonna suck for me.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#9 Jan 8, 2013
Tell us how you REALLY feel, tonka!

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#10 Jan 8, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I am not looking forward to my wife's 40th birthday. She is all about making a big deal out of them. I am not. For my 40th, she threw a big party. Don't get me wrong. I'm not anti party. But I don't feel it necessary. I would have been happy without one(and especially without the expense). That party cost us probably over $500. She felt I was a buzz kill cause every time she asked me something about the party, my main concern was the cost of the question. I told her to stop asking me if she didn't like my answers. Every question made me see $$'s jumping over the fence.
So as I said, I dread hers, cause I know I'm going to be expected to make a big giant deal out of it. For her last birthday, we had a party and she pretty much ran the show. One small issue out of many: I would have been fine with a mish mosh of leftover paper plates from kids parties and previous holiday parties and such. Hell no. That would look tacky. I don't care. To me, those plates serve a function. I don't care what's on them. With her, its as much about presentation. I don't care about presentation. Give me practical and cost saving. Ugghhh. Her 40th is gonna suck for me.
Hey, whatever makes people happy makes me happy. I'm turning 50 this year and the wife asked if I'd like a party. I told her to make it low-key and not a big expensive deal.

We'll see how well she follows directions in late June.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Jan 8, 2013
LW1: Have you even talked to these folks to see how they feel about taking on that obligation? That might narrow down your choices.

LW2: Why stop with a celebratory birth day? Why not go all out and have a celebratory birthweek, drama queen?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Jan 8, 2013
LW1: jmw's got the right idea: talk to the people you're thinking about asking. They may make the decision for you.

LW2: Not celebratory enough? You sound like a petulant child who's gonna throw a fit because she didn't get exactly what she wanted.

And definitely, with no other family, you should continue to alienate your only child with the passive-agressive treatment. It's gonna work out well for you.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Jan 8, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I am not looking forward to my wife's 40th birthday. She is all about making a big deal out of them. I am not. For my 40th, she threw a big party. Don't get me wrong. I'm not anti party. But I don't feel it necessary. I would have been happy without one(and especially without the expense). That party cost us probably over $500. She felt I was a buzz kill cause every time she asked me something about the party, my main concern was the cost of the question. I told her to stop asking me if she didn't like my answers. Every question made me see $$'s jumping over the fence.
So as I said, I dread hers, cause I know I'm going to be expected to make a big giant deal out of it. For her last birthday, we had a party and she pretty much ran the show. One small issue out of many: I would have been fine with a mish mosh of leftover paper plates from kids parties and previous holiday parties and such. Hell no. That would look tacky. I don't care. To me, those plates serve a function. I don't care what's on them. With her, its as much about presentation. I don't care about presentation. Give me practical and cost saving. Ugghhh. Her 40th is gonna suck for me.
It's a good thing you are married to your wife.:)

Eh, some people like parties, others don't. I like a good party. A party is about all of the guests not just the honoree in my view (although the honoree should get the spotlight).

Do yourself a favor and have the party at a nice backroom of a restaurant. Could be a pizza joint even. Call your wife's best friend and let the best friend run with it. Happy wife, happy life.:)

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Jan 8, 2013
L1: Someone has to give. The therapist was there to help you decide -- not make the decision for you. You two need to see the great thing that you know 4 people who would treasure your children.

L2: An adult son. Is he 18 or is he 38? Big difference. Hey, he remembered it and you shot down what he was going to do as not good enough. Next time be grateful a bit more. You're not owed anything in life.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 Jan 8, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Her 40th is gonna suck for me.
Maybe you could say to her, "Who do you think would plan a better party for you? You? Or me?" Maybe she'll plan her own party for herself!(I did that with my30th and my 40th.)

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Jan 8, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Maybe you could say to her, "Who do you think would plan a better party for you? You? Or me?" Maybe she'll plan her own party for herself!(I did that with my30th and my 40th.)
He's gotta at least try. IMO, it's not the result, it's the thought and effort that he puts in it. Even getting the BF to help would be better than tell his wife to plan it. Now if his wife offers to plan it, I say go for it.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#17 Jan 8, 2013
1: Chris' dad and I named my best friend and her husband. We specifically dis-included (I know, that's not a word, but I haven't had coffee yet) all of our respective relatives for different reasons, and listed (in detail) our reasons and had them included with our will/papers just in case any of our (respective) bat-shit crazy relatives decided to challenge us. <shrug>

2: Really? OMG your son wanted to take you to lunch and it wasn't good enough and now you want to ignore HIS birthday? Gee, I really wish I had a son to take me to lunch on my birthday next month...a son whose birthday I could celebrate with him...go fuckyourself.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#18 Jan 8, 2013
L1: Good luck with that. Reason #245 why the prospect of having kids is daunting to me. In the event of our demise, they'd have to be raised by wolves.

L2: This is the type of stuff my MIL pulls. All...the...time. It's on her terms or not at all and then she's the victim. I'm betting the LW does this all the time and the son finally called her bluff. He doesn't *want* you there for his milestone birthday if you're going to be a passive-aggressive tw@t about it.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#19 Jan 8, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
2: Really? OMG your son wanted to take you to lunch and it wasn't good enough and now you want to ignore HIS birthday? Gee, I really wish I had a son to take me to lunch on my birthday next month...a son whose birthday I could celebrate with him...go fuckyourself.
This made me tear up. I know you hate it, but stand still for a second while I {hug} you.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#20 Jan 8, 2013
Matilda77 wrote:
L1: Good luck with that. Reason #245 why the prospect of having kids is daunting to me. In the event of our demise, they'd have to be raised by wolves.
Okay, and this made me laugh.
:)

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