Ask Amy 12-22-2013

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Dec 22, 2013
Dear Amy: As the holidays approach, I'm facing yet again the question of whether my adult sister is just a whiner with whom we must only sympathize or if we are really facing a problem that our family must resolve.

My sister is a light sleeper and wakes up whenever anyone moves around or makes other noise. Unfortunately, many of us find that we need to make a bathroom trip during the night, and one of my other sisters is a loud snorer.

Over the holidays, every morning starts with the light-sleeping sister saying, "I'm so sad because I couldn't get back to sleep after ..." This is despite the fact that we all grew up in a tiny little house in which both of our parents were prodigious snorers. The sister whose snoring she complains about (not me) is not nearly as loud as our folks.

The sister who snores can't afford to get a hotel room. The sister who misses sleep because of this can afford a hotel, but won't go to one — she doesn't want to miss out on the camaraderie.

Me? I sleep right through everything — and I just wish I could sleep through the whining. I find this extremely annoying and start many of my vacation days rolling my eyes. This gesture is definitely not appreciated.

Must I muster up more sympathy for that poor light sleeper?— Rested Sister

Dear Rested: I grant you one furtive eye roll each morning during breakfast — as long as you also realize how lucky you are to get a good night's sleep (I haven't had one of those in a long, long time).

You should respond to your sleepless sister's whining by saying, "Oh, that sounds awful. I hope you're OK." (Having this sort of affirmation is often all a complainer needs.)

Do not brag about how many z's you caught last night or offer her insomnia cures and suggestions. Ask your sister if she is sure she doesn't want to relocate to a hotel.

And, you well-rested braggart, pitch in and be helpful in the morning. Because that pot of morning coffee isn't going to make itself.

Dear Amy: My former husband (of a 28-year marriage) died 11 months ago. At his request, my adult children and grandchildren always referred to his new wife as "Grandma."

I have always felt hurt and betrayed by that, especially since his second marriage was to a woman with whom he had an affair for many years during our marriage.

Now that he is deceased, I feel that out of respect for my feelings they should not continue to refer to her as "Grandma" but perhaps by another form of address such as "Nana." What do you advise?— Real Grandma

Dear Real: You don't say how old these grandchildren are. You also don't seem to imagine that their feelings should also be taken into account. They should.

You can talk to your adult children and express your own truth about this. They may reveal that this was an awkwardness imposed upon them by their father. But be prepared for them to express their own comfort for things just as they are. They have a right to do what they want to do, regardless of your opinion.

If your grandchildren don't call you "Grandma" and you would like them to, you can ask this of them. If they do call you "Grandma," please remember that many families have (at least) two grandmas in their lives, and that this nickname isn't necessarily an honorific to be held by only one person.

Dear Amy: On behalf of young gay men and women everywhere, please accept my warmest gratitude for your reflections toward "Feeling Betrayed." As a young, gay man who was also rejected by my parents, I believe that if I had men and women of your caliber in my corner when I was growing up, I would have had a better childhood. Thank you!— Clifton

Dear Clifton: The outpouring of response to this question tells me that this is a situation that is sadly familiar to many gay people. Thank you all for your positive comments.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#2 Dec 22, 2013
1: Why oh why is someone who sleeps lightly holding every other person hostage?
Listen, you have to pee, you pee. You can't stop your snoring right now (unless it's a major medical issue).
Sis knows this and why ya'll have allowed her whining to coninue baffles me.
I stopped sleeping well after bro's accident but I know it's ME to handle. I use earplugs if need be, and she needs to do something herself instead of trying to get you to change bodily habits/function.

2: I need to know what they call LW before making an opinion.
If they call her grandma or something more familiar, then fine.
If not, then I think she has a legitimate complaint.

Remarriage is hard enough-but doable-but to have it with the person he was skirting around with? Yesch.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Dec 22, 2013
L1: If she won't wear ear plugs or get a hotel room, ignore her whining. Sounds like people may be camping out in the living room? I'm an incredibly light sleeper, but I don't think i'd wake up if someone got out of their bedroom to go use the bathroom. I get annoyed by people who complain but refuse to make an effort to fix the situation.

L2: They're not going to change.

L3: The times, they are a changin'. Thank goodness.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#4 Dec 22, 2013
LW1: Ear plugs.

LW2: I understand that this has been difficult for you but please continue to be gracious enough to not drag your adult children into your drama. You need to work on letting go of the bitter feelings you still have toward this woman. They are like poison. Let go of them and go find your joy.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Dec 22, 2013
L2: And be glad there's yet another adult who loves your grandchildren. Can kids have too many loving adults in their lives?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Dec 22, 2013
Ear muff or plugs or a white noise station on the radio

This is delayed revenge ( opposite of delayed gratification) for the husband having a long term affair of many years and then marrying the other woman.

The fact that your kids were and are on good terms with Wife #2 and allowed their kids to call her Grandma tells me more about LW.

LW needs to talk to someone to get over her anger at her ex and his wife.
Mister Fister

New York, NY

#7 Dec 22, 2013
Dear Amy,

I want to get my wife into fisting. Any pointers?

Sincerely,

Mister Fister

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Dec 22, 2013
LW1: "You should respond to your sleepless sister's whining by saying, "Oh, that sounds awful. I hope you're OK." (Having this sort of affirmation is often all a complainer needs.)"
F that. I'm not out to give a complainer what they need and foster the continued annoying behavior. Sister has problem that she is well capable of handling, yet she not only refuses to do so, but tries to garner pity by wallowing in misery.

LW2: What is this? Big whiner day?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Dec 22, 2013
LW2 would have been pissed to be my grandmother. When my sister was little, she called the next door neighbor Grandma Louise. Just a nice old italian lady.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#10 Dec 22, 2013
1- It's once a year, she can deal

2- How long was he married to this woman? How long has she been in their lives? Get over it.

3- Wah, I'm gay, wah. If they would just stop their godam complaining....
Blunt Advice

Staten Island, NY

#11 Dec 23, 2013
1. How about letting her have the house to herself and everyone else go to the hotel.
2. gonna agree with PEllen on this. Seems to me he left wife 1 for a nicer one if the kids like her.
3. Are you from Duck Dynasty land by any chance?
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#12 Dec 23, 2013
1: I notice Amy is sympathetic to the light sleeper and gives the lw short shrift. Not nice Amy. I suspect they would all have more sympathy for the sleepless sister if she didn't complain so much. I have a suggestion. The lw or another sibling who doesn't ordinarily have to pee in the middle of the night, could remove their bottom sheet in the a.m. and wet that and her pj bottoms with some water very lightly dyed with yellow food coloring. Then she could make a big show of dragging her wet laundry through the kitchen to wherever the washing machine is and state she's very sorry about having the "accident' but she did her best to not get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night so as to not disturb their sleep troubled sister. Then perhaps she could ask said sister for her help with the laundry considering that the only reason the bedding and pj's needed washing was that she hadn't wanted to disturb that sister's sleep.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Dec 23, 2013
Pippa wrote:
1: I notice Amy is sympathetic to the light sleeper and gives the lw short shrift. Not nice Amy. I suspect they would all have more sympathy for the sleepless sister if she didn't complain so much. I have a suggestion. The lw or another sibling who doesn't ordinarily have to pee in the middle of the night, could remove their bottom sheet in the a.m. and wet that and her pj bottoms with some water very lightly dyed with yellow food coloring. Then she could make a big show of dragging her wet laundry through the kitchen to wherever the washing machine is and state she's very sorry about having the "accident' but she did her best to not get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night so as to not disturb their sleep troubled sister. Then perhaps she could ask said sister for her help with the laundry considering that the only reason the bedding and pj's needed washing was that she hadn't wanted to disturb that sister's sleep.
Too much work with no guaranty f any return,but nice try.

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