First Prev
of 2
Next Last

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Dec 19, 2013
DEAR AMY: My cousin is a young and ambitious attorney, but if you looked at her social networking pages you might think she was still in college. Her Facebook feed is filled with disparaging and mean comments about her secretary.

She makes fun of the questions her secretary asks, the way she looks and dresses, and her work ethic.(She called it "lazy" when her secretary asked which task from a list she'd been given was the highest priority.)

She usually appends each update with a comment like, "No wonder she's just a secretary." My mother and sister both have office-support jobs. I know that they find these comments especially painful.

There are two problems here: The first, of course, is that it's inappropriate to talk about your work that way on social networking sites; the second is that she seems to hold this belief that people become secretaries because they are incompetent or inferior.

Previous attempts to bring this up with her have ended in statements like, "You're not a lawyer, so you don't understand."

What can we say to her that will get her to realize not only how mean and hurtful she's being, but also that a secretarial job is not a consolation prize for the less intelligent?-- Flummoxed

DEAR FLUMMOXED: When people publish objectionable public posts on a social networking site (such as Facebook), the best way to respond is by connecting your reaction to the post on the same site.

For instance, your cousin writes something disparaging. Underneath the post, you click "comment" and respond, "Wow. I can't believe how disrespectful you are toward this person." Your mother and sister can voice their opinions too.

Social networking sites offer ample opportunities for people like your cousin to reveal themselves as obnoxious idiots, but they are also vehicles for social correction.

I assume this behavior will eventually earn her a reprimand and/or dismissal (hopefully not the fast track at her law firm). Her comments may be actionable, in which case I hope she doesn't represent herself. Then she would truly have a fool for a client.

DEAR AMY: A few years ago, I was introduced to a second cousin once removed as he toured graduate schools. We instantly became friends, talking for hours, sharing deep secrets, laughing at just about anything and everything. We lost touch when he moved away.

Recently he came to town, interviewing for a job; and we had the opportunity to reconnect. He started developing feelings for me; he told me it just "sort of happened." During another visit, our feelings got the best of us, and we looked and behaved like a couple (we didn't kiss, though).

We are both deeply confused and conflicted. Some of our family members are absolutely against us having a relationship. How can we move on from this?-- Related and Confused

DEAR RELATED: There is no genetic reason to avoid a relationship with your second cousin once removed. Choosing to develop a deeper relationship is stirring up some family drama, but you should not solicit opinions from others about a matter that should really remain between the two of you.

You both need to clarify your own issues, doubts and anxieties, discuss this only with each other, and then make choices based on your mutual desires and decisions. If you choose to be together, your other family members will have to find a way to adjust.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Dec 19, 2013
DEAR AMY: "Newly Single" was re-entering the dating scene and wondered why men didn't ask for her number. The fact that guys aren't calling her indicates that she is the problem.

Nowadays, women like to play "hard to get" and refuse to answer the phone. It doesn't take long for men to pick up on this, and they stop calling because there's no point to it.

I used to ask for women's numbers all the time. But after being made a fool of, over and over, I've stopped. If she wants to get calls, she needs to stop acting like a child.-- Disgusted in Seattle

DEAR DISGUSTED: Using your logic, you might examine your own attitude for why the phone doesn't ring.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#3 Dec 19, 2013
1- Unfriend her.

2- There's a term for that, it's called incest. You really can't find someone outside of your family to date, huh?

3- Way to man-bash. He has a point.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#4 Dec 19, 2013
L1. I am not at all surprised. Attorney's have a knack for being socially awkward misfits.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 Dec 19, 2013
1 Well see how good a lawyer she is when she gets sued.
2 You dont see many 3 headed babies for a reason.
3 Edog, they gave you the # to shut you up, not because they wanted to date you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Dec 19, 2013
1. She is clearly young , inexperienced and insecure. Any professional or office person knows that the key to a smooth functioning business and a professional product lies with the support staff, and that without that you as the professional do the "grunt" work.

Someone will tell her employer . Her secretary will find out and ask for a transfer and explain why. Little Ms Lawyer will have a serious career setback.

Her attitude will carry over to clients staff and she will screw herself royally, if she has not done so already. Its really hard to pay those law school loans on McDonald's pay.

2. There are 3 things in play here.

Legally 2nd cousins are allowed to marry. That is easy to verify on Google

The LW's concerns are one's she has to wrestle with.

The disapproval of the family may be harder , but finding out about the legal part could help. So could the opinion of a respected clergyman or community leader.

(I think that Franklin Roosevelt and Eleanor were related about that much)

Dog- incest occurs between blood siblings, parent child (direct ancestors including grand parents) and uncle/aunts/nephews nieces. Ask your pastor

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#7 Dec 19, 2013
LW1's cousin appears to stupid to have graduated from middle school let alone to have gone through law school. She is a very ugly, nasty person with no morals and no character. I hope that her superiors find out and terminate her. She is setting her firm up for a lawsuit; if nothing else, she should no better. I hate stupid people.

LW2: Doesn't "once removed" mean it's basically a relationship through marriage? I could be wrong. Just asking.

LW3: I nobody asks for or gives a number, how will anyone get in touch? I am going through that with someone now. Too embarrassed to ask for his number and he hasn't asked for mine. It's a strange situation, though, so I'll give it a few months.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Philadelphia, PA

#8 Dec 19, 2013
PEllen wrote:
Ask your pastor
No thanks, I don't have one anyway.

And I don't think the legality would matter. It's still disgusting and wrong.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Philadelphia, PA

#9 Dec 19, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
LW2: Doesn't "once removed" mean it's basically a relationship through marriage? I could be wrong. Just asking.
.
I don't think so

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Dec 19, 2013
LW1: I think confronting her each and every time will at least help you feel like you're doing something and might eventually sink in to her nasty skull that you can't treat the people who work for you that way.

Somebody should talk to the secretary and let her know what's being said about her on FB. Let's see if the cousin like the lawsuit better than her secretary.

LW2: Do whatever.

LW3: We give the number so guys will shut up and leave us alone. And you're exactly the type who would make us do that. Look in the mirror first, buddy.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Dec 19, 2013
Your cousin's child is your first cousin, once removed. Your child and your cousin's child are second cousins. "Removed" pertains to generation, not marriage

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#12 Dec 19, 2013
You have my number silly.
Stina2 wrote:
I am going through that with someone now. Too embarrassed to ask for his number and he hasn't asked for mine. It's a strange situation, though, so I'll give it a few months.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Philadelphia, PA

#14 Dec 19, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Your cousin's child is your first cousin, once removed.
That's what I thought. You're still blood relatives

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#15 Dec 19, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Your cousin's child is your first cousin, once removed. Your child and your cousin's child are second cousins. "Removed" pertains to generation, not marriage
Gotcha - thanks!

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#16 Dec 19, 2013
RACE wrote:
You have my number silly.
<quoted text>
Duh on me! I do!!!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Philadelphia, PA

#17 Dec 19, 2013
And I'm gonna assume there's an age difference also. I'm at least ten years older than my oldest removed cousin. And I was the youngest. Unless there's a great age disparity between the first cousins, there could be at least ten years, maybe more, of an age difference. That also adds to the ick factor.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#18 Dec 19, 2013
1: I know it's often said that you can pick your friends but not your relatives BUT you CAN unfriend someone whose fb posts offend you. Here's a thought, copy your letter and Amy's response and post it on her page after the next disparaging remark she makes about her secretary. She may end up unfriending you or blocking you, but you would have made your point. Can't fit the whole thing in the comment? Then just try to fit in Amy's response or you could break it up into sections and post them one after the other.

The other thing is that she is hurting herself as a lawyer not just in that her employers may very well fire her or that the secretary may be able to sue (I really have no idea whether that's possible), but potential clients may see or hear about the posts and this attorney's attitude toward people who have not "made" the grade so to speak. They will feel that they won't get good representation from her and not even consider her or her firm when they look for legal help. She's really doing a number on herself and she's too stupid herself to realize it. So for all her self-congratulations, she's really very stupid. Academic grades and years of education are nice, but they aren't everything.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#19 Dec 19, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
2- There's a term for that, it's called incest. You really can't find someone outside of your family to date, huh?
Historically, it was not uncommon for wealthy families especially to marry their first cousins to keep the money in the family. I'm not saying that 's a great way to go, but people did it. I know I felt weird when I learned that one of my dad's sisters married their mom's cousin. That's a first cousin once removed. It was all perfectly legal and I presume not all that uncommon since they lived in South Carolina and I have heard jokes about people marrying their cousins in the south. They did not have children and I have no idea whether that was by choice or happenstance.

The lw is interested in her 2nd cousin once removed. I believe that means the shared ancestors were the great grandparents of one and the great great grandparents of the other. While I think my aunt's marriage might be considered somewhat questionable, I don't see any problem with this one.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#20 Dec 19, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
And I'm gonna assume there's an age difference also. I'm at least ten years older than my oldest removed cousin. And I was the youngest. Unless there's a great age disparity between the first cousins, there could be at least ten years, maybe more, of an age difference. That also adds to the ick factor.
edog, My mom was the second youngest of 11 children and her oldest sister had a son only a couple of years younger than my mom. His first child, my first cousin once removed, was born the same year I was. It's not all that unusual for "generations" in families to overlap this way. In fact, my niece is only 10 years younger than I. She gave birth to a set of triplets a year before my youngest daughter was born. So my daughter's first cousins once removed are actually older than she is. I was 33 when she was born and certainly could have had more children who would have been MUCH younger than their first cousins once removed. Come to think of it, this niece's brother and his wife had twins the same year and only a few weeks earlier as this particular daughter of mine. One of those twins became pregnant and gave birth to a daughter at the age of 15. So that child would be my children's first cousin twice removed. Around that time, my husband and I were exploring the idea of having another baby. If that happened, these children would have been very close in age yet "generations" apart as far as their descent from my dad. I'm just pointing out that the "removes" and such don't necessarily mean a great difference in age. As far as age differences, my dad was 12 1/2 years older than my mom. My sister married a man 17 years her senior. I can see the "ick" factor (I never liked that bil for one thing) but a lot of folks find the age difference irrelevant.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#21 Dec 19, 2013
loose cannon wrote:
L1. I am not at all surprised. Attorney's have a knack for being socially awkward misfits.
Really? That's quite a blanket statement to be making about such a large group of people. I doubt they all fit in that category. I know several attorney's who don't including my daughter.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 3 min Libtardimus Maximus 1,547,738
News Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 41 min Into The Night 63,842
Chicago is a great city. 50 min De Bow 9
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 1 hr Cheech the Conser... 241,539
{keep A word drop A word} (Oct '11) 2 hr SweLL GirL 10,831
Time to Fire Trump and Mulvaney 6 hr Keres 1
Illinois is in critical financial crisis. 9 hr Hank Johnson 6

Chicago Jobs

More from around the web

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages