Posted in the Chicago Forum
“reign in blood”
Since: May 09
#1 Aug 17, 2014
DEAR AMY: I am a 32-year-old male. I have been in a string of monogamous relationships for the past 18 years, the shortest of which was one year and the longest, ending in divorce two years ago, was 8-1/2 years. All of my relationships (5 in total) were back to back -- no courting period, zero to 60 really fast.
I am at a point in my life where I am figuring out what I need to do for myself. I am ecstatic to say that I am truly happy on my own and have real self-confidence.
I now feel ready to enter the dating world. I want to do it right and, for once, be choosy. I do not know how to navigate and have no idea what it means to see more than one person.
What is the etiquette for dating multiple people? Is this implied and understood? Does that only change when there is a frank talk about exclusivity? Is it expected to be exclusive when things get physical?
I know that it will vary to some degree depending on the opposing party, but I am looking more for what is ethical. I am still not 100 percent comfortable with seeing more than one person, as it is against my instincts to some extent given my history, but I know it is best for me.-- Nervous
DEAR NERVOUS: If you are not comfortable seeing more than one person at a time, then don't. If you are a serial monogamist, then you will be in good company -- many people prefer this.
The big, huge, obvious thing you need to do differently this time, versus the previous five relationships you've had, is to take it slowly. No more zero to 60. Dating can be wonderful, but if you are launching yourself into relationships at first meeting, then you are not dating, you're flinging yourself toward your next breakup.
It will be very good for you to be more in control of the pace of a relationship. Dating is ideally a process of gradual discovery. If you aren't getting sexual and attached on the first meeting but are getting to know people first, then you can pursue other relationships casually and ethically.
You should expect to move toward exclusivity when things get physical, but talk frankly with any potential partners to see if they are on the same page. You will find that some people want to leap right in, but remember -- this doesn't work for you.
DEAR AMY: I work in a small office at my church. I like my job a lot and would like to stay there.
Another person who has worked here much longer than I have makes inappropriate remarks and racist jokes. I've made disapproving remarks, ignored the comments and walked out of the room.
Today she came out with yet another racist comment she thought was witty. I am so uncomfortable around her that I interact with her as little as possible and say as little as possible, especially if there is any chance the conversation would elicit an offensive comment from her.
I'm considering going to the pastor, but if I do it will cause a huge rift among staff and the congregation, and I'll likely end up having to leave a job I otherwise really like and need.
What can I do?-- Working in Purgatory
DEAR PURGATORY: First, you should state to this co-worker, "Really, please stop making these offensive comments. None of this is funny, so please stop."
Then you must speak with your pastor. Be prepared with specific examples. Your pastor should handle this as a confidential workplace and pastoral matter, not as a confrontation within the congregation.
DEAR AMY: I couldn't believe your boneheaded response to "Distressed in Dallas," the college student whose mother investigated all her boyfriends. If more parents did this, fewer girls would end up abducted and murdered.-- Disgusted
DEAR DISGUSTED: I am not aware of a rash of crimes against coeds by dates who could otherwise have been stopped by intrusive parents. Young people must be empowered to develop their own good judgment.
#2 Aug 17, 2014
LW1 - You don't have to see more than one person. All you have to do is not jump in the sack with them on the first date and make plans for moving your stuff into their place (or vice versa) as a second date.
LW2 - What Amy said.
LW3 - I like Amy's answer.
Since: Aug 14
#3 Aug 17, 2014
i too like what amy said .
#4 Aug 17, 2014
1: Personally, I've always thought of "dating" as being the act of spending time with a person (usually of the opposite sex) to get to know each other, find out whether you have similar interests, enjoy spending time with the person, whether your values are in line with one another's and whether you have that certain attraction. You aren't going to do that in just a few dates - at least the part of really getting to know another person. Especially when you're very young, I don't see why you can't "date" more than one person at a time. Once things point to just one person being the one you want to be with exclusively or things start to get more physical, you date just that one person exclusively. In the old days, it might be called going steady but I don't think older couples who are of an age to marry ever called it going steady as teenagers did. In any case, it won't work if it's only one sided; so a conversation needs to take place. And yes, in any case, you don't have sex until you know you're both serious and have serious plans for the future. That does not happen during the first few dates or even within the first month or so of dating. Just remember birth control doesn't always prevent pregnancies.
2: You work for a church for goodness sake. Of course this co-worker should not be saying such offensive things at ANY time or in ANY place but you'd think she'd know better considering the workplace. And yes, I agree with Amy that the pastor would look at this as a need to talk to the woman about her non-Christian behavior and how it reflects not only on her standing with God but on the church as well. It should not be tolerated. If I had an employee who behaved this way and did not stop when told to do so, she'd be out on her ear. As for the rest of the congregation, are they also bigots? It seems to me that the Pastor needs to give more than one sermon on bigotry and discrimination. If the pastor starts in telling you that YOU need to be more forgiving and tolerant of your co-worker, start looking for another job and another church. You might also want to talk to a lawyer who deals with workplace problems to see whether you have any recourse that way. But that's only if you have a problem with the pastor.
#5 Aug 17, 2014
Recommend LW2 give the offender a dirty look for those remarks.
Glance into the future:
(a) The noise maker will say the wrong thing in front of someone whose
spouse is from the ethnic group that the noise maker bad mouthed--
and get told off.
(b) Someone else will beat up the noise maker for saying rude things
and LW2 will gently remind the noise maker that bridling the tongue
is a better idea.
(c) Someone who the noise maker slandered will help the noise maker
when the noise maker is is a bad place and shut the noise maker up that way.
(d) The noise maker will leave for a higher paying job and LW2 will be happy to see the noise maker leave.
“I Am Mine”
Since: Dec 08
#6 Aug 17, 2014
By all means, hop right in.
Just understand hat hopping into the sack does not have to lead to giving her the key to your place.
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