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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Feb 13, 2014
DEAR AMY: Over the past four years my parents have taken the entire family (daughters, spouses and kids) to their tropical island time share twice.

This past spring we were in the process of planning a third trip for everyone. Long story short, my mother picked a fight with my sister, and that evolved into the trip being canceled. My mother told everyone that the tropical locale was ruined for her.

After many months of tension, my mom and my sister made up. Then my parents announced that they were going to their time share on the "ruined" tropical island.

That's all fine and well. The time share is theirs to do what they want with. However, they left last weekend, and my mother has been sending my sister and me photos of their trip via email.

We receive at least half a dozen photos each day chronicling what they are doing and how much fun they are having.

The easy answer would be to hit "delete" and just ignore further emails, but my mother just sends more emails if you don't answer her, asking if you got her messages and photos!

Do you have any advice as how to politely tell her that we don't want to see what a great time they are having on the vacation they uninvited us from?-- Not On Vacation

DEAR NOT: I suggest responding with a combination of stiff upper lip, passive aggression and humor. This way, even if your mother doesn't get the message, you can at least enjoy sending it.

You and your sister could stage two or three photos -- of you and the kids dressed in multiple layers standing forlornly in the snow in the driveway.

Create an electronic postcard and email it to her along with the message: "Greetings from Frozen Hell. Wish you were here!"

Longer term, you and your sister need to decide whether a tropical vacation (if offered) is worth being a pawn to your mother's manipulations. It's a tough trade-off.

DEAR AMY: I'm 25-years-old with the professional career I have always wanted. However, this past year has been a rocky road for me. My partner of over two years and I broke up, and this makes my world feel like it's been shaken up.

Lately I have been thinking it might be time for me to dream bigger and set my sights on something greater.

I am scared to even entertain the idea because I love my job and would hate to walk away from it unnecessarily, but I think I may have outgrown my environment, like Alice in her house in Wonderland.

Would it be foolish of me at 25 to try something brand new, or should I further myself in my current position and keep things steady and stable?-- Dream Bigger

DEAR DREAMER: It is the very essence of human experience to wonder about what else is out there. Going back to childhood, elemental questions to ask oneself are: "Who am I?" and "What do I want?" Answers should change at different ages and stages of life.

Dreaming about something bigger, greater or just different is exactly what 25-year-olds are supposed to do.

Along with the dreaming, making wise, considerate and calculated choices are what adults are supposed to do.

So I vote for dreaming, followed by planning, followed by doing.

Do not pre-emptively leave your job until you have a plan in place (including a way to adjust your spending and/or replace your income). Your workplace may offer you a leave of absence if you want to pursue a world-changing volunteer opportunity and return to work afterward.

Otherwise, you can start small and take your dreams out for a spin by taking some night classes and weekend adventures.

DEAR AMY: The letter from "Frustrated" made me crazy. This guy says he's "traditional" and wants marriage, and yet he has one baby (and one on the way) with his girlfriend.

I was shocked you didn't take him to task for this!-- Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I agree that his view of what's "traditional" was skewed. Also that he needs to figure out how to stop making babies if he doesn't intend to stay with the mother.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Feb 13, 2014
1- How about you both stop with this passive sending photos back and forth and USE YOUR WORDS!?

2- Yeah, if ever your life gets too routine and boring, quit your job. THAT will shake things up!

3- Oh screw you. The people who want to slam a "traditional" man for having a baby out of wedlock, are the same people who think the rules of "traditional" marriage should be rewritten anyway.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Feb 13, 2014
Lw1: oh boo friggin hoo. Your mom's doing what everyone on vacation does nowadays by emailing pictures.. Quit making this about you and actinh like she's on YOUR trip

Lw2: what amby said. And og course thie is the time to explore. Much better than trying to change careers at 40 with a mortgage and kids to feed

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Feb 13, 2014
1 Cry me a river, Your mom is on a vacation that she is paying for and you want to pout because you feel owed. Get your own damn time share and quit mooching off your parents.

2 Yes, so sow your oats, you will probably succeed, so quit worrying.

3 Yeah, and it takes Two to make that baby you idiot!
Blunt Advice

Cedar Knolls, NJ

#5 Feb 13, 2014
1. Delete your email account.
2. Get some counseling to help deal with your breakup. Are there opportunities in your company for what you would like to do? If not then find an organization where you can volunteer doing what interests you. You will be able to determine if you will enjoy it and also get some experience and references for that line of work.
3. Seems that women staying single so they can get food stamps and welfare is the new traditional.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Feb 13, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- How about you both stop with this passive sending photos back and forth and USE YOUR WORDS!?
2- Yeah, if ever your life gets too routine and boring, quit your job. THAT will shake things up!
3- Oh screw you. The people who want to slam a "traditional" man for having a baby out of wedlock, are the same people who think the rules of "traditional" marriage should be rewritten anyway.
1: I agree. What's with an advice columnist advising someone to be passive-aggressive? I thought that would be one of the last things they'd advise. Yes, they should use their words but I'd just tell my mom in this kind of situation that I was happy she was enjoying herself and leave it at that. This lw sounds somewhat entitled and angry that she isn't on that tropical island. She SAYS it is ok with her but I think that deep down, she's really angry. She needs to grow up and let this go.

2: If his finances are in good shape, I don't see any reason he shouldn't do just as Amy said - the part about taking night or weekend classes. The other thing to take into account is that he should consider the effect of quitting his job will have on his future job prospects. I've been told that a person should stay in the same job for at least 2 years or will be considered a job-hopper (is that a real term?) and would be less desirable as an employee. I can see that changing a career at age 25 when a person doesn't have family responsibilities such as a spouse and children might be easier than waiting until he's older and has those responsibilities.

3: I guess it depends on what a person calls "traditional." If you want to go back far enough, it was traditional for a man to have more than one wife and additional concubines. I would not want to be involved with that kind of traditional. I support marriage if for no other reason than that it sends a message to each other that they're "in it" for the long run and they aren't looking for a quick easy way out when the going gets rough. From my own experience and observation of other marriages, the going DOES get rough at times but a committed couple can work things out and make it through. I've seen results in several non-married relationships that the couples always said was "truly committed" and it's just too easy to cut and run rather than work out the kinks that WILL crop up at some point.

I DO agree with Amy that this guy should not be making babies with women he's not married to. And the women should be taking the same precautions. They should not be putting all the blame on the man since they are usually able to say 'no' and they also have access to birth control. When it gets right down to it, men AND women need to smarten up and stop making babies they aren't ready to care for in a proper way. The most basic thing in my mind is that if you are going to make babies, you make sure you are going to be able to be around to take care of them as they need. Of course there are always going to be things you have no control over such as sickness, death, or loss of a job. And sometimes, there are unexpected pregnancies despite birth control (I've met two women in my life whose doctors told them they could not ever get pregnant due to some kind of damage to their female parts - but they did).

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Feb 13, 2014
L1: Okay. The adult thing to do would be just to respond with "how lovely" or "glad you're having a great time" to mom's pictures. But I gotta say, constantly sending them she's rubbing it in their noses and, while childish, hell I'd be childish and I love the idea of sending pictures back. I probably wouldn't send "feel sorry for me pics" but rather pictures where the rest of the family left home is having a blast.

L2: Well, you might just be in a funk b/c of the breakup. I'd follow Amy's advice. I think at 25 and being single with no kids is an ideal time to chase your dream if you can afford to do it.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Feb 13, 2014
LW1: My folk go on vacation all the time to really cool places all over the world and I don't feel entitled to come with or piss and moan about it. I think it's great that they get to enjoy that kind of life.

So, I think you should grow the eff up and be thankful that they ever took you on vacations in the first place. They didn't owe you this ... it was a gift. Realize that you are a grown adult, presumably with your own family, and your mommy and daddy don't owe you vacations, you spoiled brat. It's not all about you and whether you are there. If you want to go on vacation so bad, save your money and pay for your family to go, cry baby.

LW2: If you don't have any responsibilities tying you down, dream big and chase your dreams. You are young enough to recover if things don't turn out.

LW3: Don't remember letter.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Feb 13, 2014
On LW1, I think the point some of you are missing is that the mother claimed the island timeshare was "ruined" for her but yet she seems to be having a grand old time (and rubbing her kids' noses in it to boot). Clearly the drama is strong with this family.

I would send a few photos of the icicles and snow piles and not reply to the pics she sent. Yeah, it's passisive-aggressive <mimishrug> sometimes that's how things are.

My mom actually does do something similar to this. She's now a snowbird in Phoenix and she'll call me about every other day to tell me she's wearing sandals and it's 70 degrees. She's even nanna-nanna-boo-booed me about it on a voicemail. I usually tell her to shut up.

LW2: I think that you're being a little dramatic if you have your dream job but have let a relationship breakup totally derail that. But as long as you have a plan to support yourself, go for it.

LW3: But I thought more babies made everything better.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#10 Feb 13, 2014
2- But she's already got her "dream" job. She's just in a funk because she got dumped. And yeah, quitting your job for no real reason isn't gonna look good on your résumé. And in this economy, if you have a job, you might want to hang onto it. So no, I DO NOT recommend she throw it away and walk the earth.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#11 Feb 13, 2014
LW1 - Was the first answer sarcastic? Because if taken seriously, it is absolutely idiotic. It sounds like it's been given by a peevish spoiled brat of a 13-year-old.

LW2 - You are freaking 25, not 65. Go chase your dream! But first figure out what it is. If you already know, go for it.

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#12 Feb 13, 2014
squishymama wrote:
On LW1, I think the point some of you are missing is that the mother claimed the island timeshare was "ruined" for her but yet she seems to be having a grand old time (and rubbing her kids' noses in it to boot). Clearly the drama is strong with this family.
THIS. It's not a matter of the LW being peeved about not being on the trip, per se, but how things went down and everyone got uninvited and the mom called it ruined and stuff.

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#13 Feb 13, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
2- But she's already got her "dream" job. She's just in a funk because she got dumped. And yeah, quitting your job for no real reason isn't gonna look good on your résumé. And in this economy, if you have a job, you might want to hang onto it. So no, I DO NOT recommend she throw it away and walk the earth.
Yup. She should wait a few months before making any career change decisions, to make sure that's what she really wants and isn't just reacting to the breakup.

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#14 Feb 13, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW3: Don't remember letter.
Me neither, and boy am I glad about that.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#15 Feb 13, 2014
I think the mother turned lemons into lemonade! She thought it was ruined because of the memories, but then she decided to go and make new memories, prolly having naked sex on the beach too!

Oh, nanna-nanna-boo-booed,
It's 70 degrees and I am shoeless and shirtless!
squishymama wrote:
On LW1, I think the point some of you are missing is that the mother claimed the island timeshare was "ruined" for her but yet she seems to be having a grand old time (and rubbing her kids' noses in it to boot). Clearly the drama is strong with this family.
I would send a few photos of the icicles and snow piles and not reply to the pics she sent. Yeah, it's passisive-aggressive <mimishrug> sometimes that's how things are.
My mom actually does do something similar to this. She's now a snowbird in Phoenix and she'll call me about every other day to tell me she's wearing sandals and it's 70 degrees. She's even nanna-nanna-boo-booed me about it on a voicemail. I usually tell her to shut up.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#16 Feb 13, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
1. Delete your email account.
I think that's a bit of an overreaction
Cass

Claremont, CA

#17 Feb 13, 2014
RACE wrote:
Oh, nanna-nanna-boo-booed,
It's 70 degrees and I am shoeless and shirtless!
<quoted text>
Heck, it's going to be 80 here today, and I am not even on vacation. That sucks. I want to be shoeless too!

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#18 Feb 13, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I think that's a bit of an overreaction
Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me.

Yeah, deleting your email account is a really practical solution and will prevent future problems. Right.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#19 Feb 13, 2014
Toj wrote:
L1: Okay. The adult thing to do would be just to respond with "how lovely" or "glad you're having a great time" to mom's pictures. But I gotta say, constantly sending them she's rubbing it in their noses and, while childish, hell I'd be childish and I love the idea of sending pictures back. I probably wouldn't send "feel sorry for me pics" but rather pictures where the rest of the family left home is having a blast.
L2: Well, you might just be in a funk b/c of the breakup. I'd follow Amy's advice. I think at 25 and being single with no kids is an ideal time to chase your dream if you can afford to do it.
If you knew for certain that she was sending the pics to rub it in, tgen I'd agree it was childish, but I see the picture thing as pretty normal. The vacation I just got back from, I took my phone out with me every day in addition to the REAL camera so I could get a selection of photos and videos that we could post to facebook and youtube. We had wifi where we stayed and posted stuff at the end of every day. Can't say that I was trying to rub it in anyone's face especially considering i also posted a message about the hellish travel i was about to endure as far as hours to the airport, multiple flights, & layovers strung together for over 34 hours straight.
Blunt Advice

Oakland, NJ

#20 Feb 13, 2014
My bad for not putting a :p or something else to note my sarcasm. But if she changed her email she wouldn't have to see the pictures would she. Truthfully as the offspring of a couple who own time shares and have had the funds to provide airfare for children and grandchildren.....the lw must have the resources to plan her own vacation.
Given that an adult sister and the mother had such a fight that all children spouses and grandkids were uninvited shows some intense family dynamics. Add tothat that mom rubs salt in the wound with the pictures. Money doesn't buy hapiness does it?

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