Amy 7-23

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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#1
Jul 23, 2013
 
Dear Amy: My son, who is 21, has been dating the same girl for three years. When they began dating she was tiny, but now she has gained a significant amount of weight. She is petite, about 5 feet 3 inches, but I'd say she weighs 150 pounds. My son is very active and fit. He says it bothers him that she has gained weight and he has tried to encourage her to work out with him. She had a foot injury that prevents her from doing heavy running, etc., and she says she has gained since going on birth control. I've heard of women gaining on the pill, but not 30 to 40 pounds! She eats a lot of pizza, carbs, etc.

This relationship seems serious. I've talked to my son about it because he is a handsome guy, into fitness, and he is starting to wonder about the future of the relationship if she continues on this path. She's endangering her health as well as hurting her appearance.

I tried talking to her indirectly, but she said she accepts her weight gain. I also talked to my son about whether I should offer to take her to some of the Pilates and yoga classes I attend, but I wonder if that's being overinvolved on my part. Is this my business?

I hate seeing this beautiful girl, who is in many ways a good companion to my son, become so unhealthy and probably risk losing him because she is not taking care of herself?— Overly Concerned Mom

Dear Mom: I'd
say this ceased being your business just before you started talking to your son about his girlfriend's body and speculating about its affect on their relationship. If your son brings up this topic with you, your response should be, "Honey, if this is a deal breaker for you, you should discuss this with her, not with me."

Other than urge this young woman to see her physician for a checkup (significant weight gain could signal a serious health problem), you should stay out of this. If she comes to you for health/weight mentoring, generously offer it.

Dear Amy: Much of our community life revolves around a swim team for kids and teenagers. During the summer, the team dominates activities at the pool, and most of the neighborhood children end up joining it at some point. Our son has been very slow to learn to swim and has not shown an interest in the team. As a result, our family has been ostracized at the pool, despite efforts on my part to organize "moms' nights out" with neighbors and invite kids over to our house for play dates.

My son is progressing and may join the team someday, but it breaks my heart to see the other kids excluding him because he can't join them in the deep water. How can we enjoy our pool in the meantime? This feels like high school all over again?— Exasperated

Dear Exasperated: The obvious answer is for you to encourage your son to swim for the right reasons — for joy (and safety)— not to join this team (which he doesn't seem interested in, anyway). A day camp with a more diverse program of activities might be a better fit for him.

You might have a nicer summer if you grab a good book rather than try so hard to cozy up to these mermaids.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#2
Jul 23, 2013
 

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LW1: None of your business. It's up to your son to decide what he wants to do.

LW2: It's a shame, but I am sure your town has other activities and other people you can talk to, unless you live in a town of 20 people. It's kind of like HS because you are making it that way. You are playing into the clique thing. Stop.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Jul 23, 2013
 

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1 & 2 Duck! Helicopter moms!
Cass

Upland, CA

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#4
Jul 23, 2013
 

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LW1 - This is soooooooo none of your business. Absolutely none. Butt out.

LW2 - "Ostracized" such a strong word. Have you been shunned? Pointedly ignored? Have people looked through you and turned away without an answer when you've said, "Hi"? Have they locked you out of the pool? Have they told you,'You have to go away now because the pool is reserved for the swim team activities'? Or have people merely not welcomed you with open arms?

You can enjoy the pool by going to the pool and swimming (to the best of your and your son's ability) in it. It sounds like you are talking about a community pool, not one at a YMCA or some such. This probably means there are deck chaise longues and beach chairs around, maybe picnic tables and umbrellas. Bring some food and drinks with you, some games and books, and enjoy the pool like you would a beach.

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Jul 23, 2013
 

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L1: Wow! You suck! I hope your son doesn't have kids, lest you have overweight grandchildren to bully. This isn't about girlfriend being overweight; this is about how no woman is good enough for your fit son (so fit you mentioned it twice; have you written some Date Lab profiles?). You need an attitude adjustment. Seriously.

L2: And you failed to mention the ages of the kids. IF your kid isn't able to swim in the deep end at age 5, no big deal. At 15, it's a different story. But swim team? Boring. I went to the pool to have fun, not swim laps and compete. And I grew up with a pool and in competitive sports. Swimming isn't for everybody.

I REALLY like Amy's last paragraph!

L3: Ah, yes, yet another pollyanna who has no clue what it's like to grow up with abusive family members.
Cass

Upland, CA

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#6
Jul 23, 2013
 
LW3 - Okay, I had to read LW3 elsewhere. My response: What Red said.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
Jul 23, 2013
 
#3???
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: Wow! You suck! I hope your son doesn't have kids, lest you have overweight grandchildren to bully. This isn't about girlfriend being overweight; this is about how no woman is good enough for your fit son (so fit you mentioned it twice; have you written some Date Lab profiles?). You need an attitude adjustment. Seriously.
L2: And you failed to mention the ages of the kids. IF your kid isn't able to swim in the deep end at age 5, no big deal. At 15, it's a different story. But swim team? Boring. I went to the pool to have fun, not swim laps and compete. And I grew up with a pool and in competitive sports. Swimming isn't for everybody.
I REALLY like Amy's last paragraph!
L3: Ah, yes, yet another pollyanna who has no clue what it's like to grow up with abusive family members.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#8
Jul 23, 2013
 

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L1: STFU. None of your business. You're going to make an awful mother-in-law.

L2: When I was young, this scenario was at our local pool. There were plenty of people who did not belong to the swim team, too. I think the LW is not being realistic. The team members shouldn't stop their activities b/c your son can't join in just like you wouldn't stop a volleyball game b/c some person attending can't play volleyball. Join something else. I find it very hard to believe he's the only one "left out".

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#9
Jul 23, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: Ah, yes, yet another pollyanna who has no clue what it's like to grow up with abusive family members.
I don't see a L3, even in the Denver Post version....

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#10
Jul 23, 2013
 
Okay, found it on the Trib site. LOL @ "Satan's cocktail party."

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#11
Jul 23, 2013
 
Satan's cocktail party? I can think of a few people who would be hosting that.

Since: Jan 10

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#12
Jul 23, 2013
 
L3: DEAR AMY: A recent letter from “Suzi” posed the question: Is it necessary to love your family members if you don’t even like them?

You compared some toxic family gatherings to “Satan’s cocktail party.” While this might be apt, I do believe it is still necessary to love your family.-- Loving Reader

DEAR READER: Other readers agreed with you, pointing out that there are many different forms of “love.”

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#13
Jul 23, 2013
 

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1: MYOB for Pete's sake. You need to back way off and let him live his life.

2: You weren't popular in high school, still feel unresolved about it, and this put you right back to being 15 again. You and your helicoptered son will both live.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#14
Jul 23, 2013
 

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1. Can't you just imagine LW1 as a MIL?
Run for the hills, honey, ruuuuunnnn.
(Any odds she has only boy or boys?)

L2 What Cass said.
L3 Yes there are different kinds of love, but there are also family members whom I neither like nor love. And how do you categorize the sexual predator also called " Uncle Ernie"? Who?

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#15
Jul 23, 2013
 

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LW1: Nunya. If you truly cared about your son, you would wish that he would meet a woman who he would love regardless of how her physical appearance changes over time.

LW2: Sounds like you are so concerned about being accepted into the neighborhood clique, when the solution it seems to me is to not give a f’ about the neighborhood clique. From the sounds of it, I don’t know why you want to be in so tight with these people anyway. You aren’t in high school. So stop acting like you care so much about the popularity contest.

Instead, have your child make friends on his own, including outside of your neighborhood and at school. That’s what my kids do. They choose their own friends and the friends they have chosen are the ones we invite over and who invite them over (two of my sons have friends over today and they are spending the night). Sure they play with kids in the neighborhood too, but again that was their doing … we didn’t make their neighborhood friends for them.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#16
Jul 23, 2013
 

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LW3: Love ... either you feel it or you don't. You also cannot help the way you feel. Sure you can fake it, but that's not love ... that's more like tolerating someone. So I dunno what the point of this all is.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#17
Jul 24, 2013
 

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LW1: I seriously doubt that a 35 pound weight gain is going to cause a 21-year-old to have serious health problems. She will lose the weight when and if she wants to.

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