Abby 7-29

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“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#41
Jul 29, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
(walks away , shaking head in skeptical disbelief at cluelessness of mid 30's metro-area hetero male))
It's not cluelessness. Same thing I said to Toj, let's suppose, just for the sake of argument, that the parents are deeply religious and trying to teach their daughter that premarital sex is wrong. Then the daughter is like "But, but, Joe is having sex with his girlfriend!"
See? Now what?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#42
Jul 29, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Therein lies the problem. They're trying to instill a set of "values" on their daughter (whatever that may be) and the son is behaving completely opposite. Can't you see the conflict there?
Absolutely. Can't you see all you can do is TRY to instill values into your children but it is up to your children how they run their lives once they are adults? You can only do what you can.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#43
Jul 29, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
It's not cluelessness. Same thing I said to Toj, let's suppose, just for the sake of argument, that the parents are deeply religious and trying to teach their daughter that premarital sex is wrong. Then the daughter is like "But, but, Joe is having sex with his girlfriend!"
See? Now what?
Two wrongs do not make a right, you say.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#44
Jul 29, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
It's not cluelessness. Same thing I said to Toj, let's suppose, just for the sake of argument, that the parents are deeply religious and trying to teach their daughter that premarital sex is wrong. Then the daughter is like "But, but, Joe is having sex with his girlfriend!"
See? Now what?
How is it any different than if their uncle lives with his girlfriend? Or Joe moves in with his girlfriend? The rest of the world does not alter their behavior based on the lesson you want to teach your child. Its your responsibility as a parent to explain to your child why you think said behavior is wrong. You still have not answered my earlier question? If the LW's brother moves to town and stays with her for a few weeks till he builds up enough cash to pay a deposit/1st/last month's rent, etc, do you really think its acceptable for her to require that he sleep at home every night? Basically dictating his behavior outside the home? Or is this an edogg double standard just because this is their son and therefore not deserving of the same respect you would give to other adults?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#45
Jul 29, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
It's not cluelessness. Same thing I said to Toj, let's suppose, just for the sake of argument, that the parents are deeply religious and trying to teach their daughter that premarital sex is wrong. Then the daughter is like "But, but, Joe is having sex with his girlfriend!"
See? Now what?
Unless Joe is giving his kid sister a blow by blow description (pun sort of intended) all Sis knows is that Joe is having sleepovers someplace.

I will opt for moral disapproval of extra-marital sex, but if that is the case, it is easy to state: we don't approve of that kind of behavior,it is a sin, we don't want you to do that, Joe is going to burn in H*ll, let's go talk to Pastor Paul, etc. That is not consistent with saying that they think something is wrong but they are not sure how to say it.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#46
Jul 29, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> How is it any different than if their uncle lives with his girlfriend? Or Joe moves in with his girlfriend? The rest of the world does not alter their behavior based on the lesson you want to teach your child. Its your responsibility as a parent to explain to your child why you think said behavior is wrong. You still have not answered my earlier question? If the LW's brother moves to town and stays with her for a few weeks till he builds up enough cash to pay a deposit/1st/last month's rent, etc, do you really think its acceptable for her to require that he sleep at home every night? Basically dictating his behavior outside the home? Or is this an edogg double standard just because this is their son and therefore not deserving of the same respect you would give to other adults?
If the LW's brother were staying with her, I would say she has every right to dictate what type of behavior he's exposing her daughter to, too. There, happy?

Forget the "living in sin" part, what if he was a druggy? Or an alcoholic? Would LW be allowed to say she doesn't want her daughter exposed to that?

That's what I thought, thank you.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#47
Jul 29, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Absolutely. Can't you see all you can do is TRY to instill values into your children but it is up to your children how they run their lives once they are adults? You can only do what you can.
Then she should kick his @zz to the curb! Again, you have this notion of "Well, they're a legal adult now, my job as a parent is done." I don't, and never will, agree with that line of thinking. He's still living under their roof. They still have a say in his life. If he doesn't like it, or doesn't agree with it, he can hit the road. But the LW is not wrong in wanting him to change his behavior.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#48
Jul 29, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Then she should kick his @zz to the curb! Again, you have this notion of "Well, they're a legal adult now, my job as a parent is done." I don't, and never will, agree with that line of thinking. He's still living under their roof. They still have a say in his life. If he doesn't like it, or doesn't agree with it, he can hit the road. But the LW is not wrong in wanting him to change his behavior.
Once your child becomes an adult, your job description changes. Until that time, you have authority over them. In job terms, you are their boss. Their supervisor. If they fail to meet your directives, you have the authority to reprimand them. To punish them.

Once they are an adult, you are no longer in charge. You are an advisor. You have no authority to dictate how they conduct themselves. You have no authority to demand they comply with your wishes.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#49
Jul 29, 2013
 
And maybe if they had done a better job parenting the kid would not be having sex outside of marriage to begin with!

I blame the parents!
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Then she should kick his @zz to the curb! Again, you have this notion of "Well, they're a legal adult now, my job as a parent is done." I don't, and never will, agree with that line of thinking. He's still living under their roof. They still have a say in his life. If he doesn't like it, or doesn't agree with it, he can hit the road. But the LW is not wrong in wanting him to change his behavior.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#50
Jul 29, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
Once they are an adult, you are no longer in charge. You are an advisor. You have no authority to dictate how they conduct themselves. You have no authority to demand they comply with your wishes.
I disagree. I don't care if you've just turned 18, or 30, if you're living under my roof, you will abide by my rules. Don't agree? There's the door.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#51
Jul 29, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I disagree. I don't care if you've just turned 18, or 30, if you're living under my roof, you will abide by my rules. Don't agree? There's the door.
And that is exactly what this LW is afraid of. If she throws down the ultimatum and he chooses the door, where do you think he's going to go? Right to the girlfriend. Good luck explaining that away with the daughter.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#52
Jul 29, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>And that is exactly what this LW is afraid of. If she throws down the ultimatum and he chooses the door, where do you think he's going to go? Right to the girlfriend. Good luck explaining that away with the daughter.
I guarantee you that he will move in with the girlfriend if LW attempts to prevent him from staying over at her place some nights. He's not going to say, "Oh, sure OK, I understand," and start coming home every night.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#53
Jul 29, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>And that is exactly what this LW is afraid of. If she throws down the ultimatum and he chooses the door, where do you think he's going to go? Right to the girlfriend. Good luck explaining that away with the daughter.
Again, therein lies the problem. They don't want to act like they condone that behavior because that sends mixed signals to the daughter. Throwing him out and letting him live that life sets a poor example for the daughter. Best option all around is for "Joe" to respect his parents' wishes.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#54
Jul 29, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Then she should kick his @zz to the curb! Again, you have this notion of "Well, they're a legal adult now, my job as a parent is done." I don't, and never will, agree with that line of thinking. He's still living under their roof. They still have a say in his life. If he doesn't like it, or doesn't agree with it, he can hit the road. But the LW is not wrong in wanting him to change his behavior.
I never said any notion I had. I onlyl stated they could not legally tell him what to do. I said there are consequences, however, to what you do. That doesn't change. Quit reading into my post's what isn't there. If the parent's do not like his behavior they can kick him out. However, if he won't leave they will have to go through the eviction process b/c he's an adult and therefore there is a tenancy. Check the law. That's the way it is. That's the real deal.

How parents choose to treat their adult kids is their business. However, consequences come from action. Both the adult kid and the parents.

What don't you understand about that? You seem to think that adult kids can't figure this out. They do and may play on it.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#55
Jul 29, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Again, therein lies the problem. They don't want to act like they condone that behavior because that sends mixed signals to the daughter. Throwing him out and letting him live that life sets a poor example for the daughter. Best option all around is for "Joe" to respect his parents' wishes.
Why do you think kids -- even adult kids -- do what their parent tell them? Once you're an adult there's no teeth in what your parents tell you if you choose not to follow what they say. As long as what you're doing is not against the law. If it's where and when you choose to hang out with your friends, nothing can be done.

I'm sure they think the best course of action is for "Joe" to respect the parent's wishes; however, if Joe is 18 he could tell them to go to hell and he isn't going to follow anything they say. What recourse do you think they have?
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#56
Jul 29, 2013
 
Gotta agree with dog.
You want to stay under my roof; my roof has rules.
Want to be an adult with 100% your rules, you have to move out.
I was living with my folks at 19 and they had rules. Granted, they were very flexible and different than when I was a minor, but I respected it. They gave me a roof and I was only working PT in college. Far be it from me to whine. I eventually got out and do my thing....

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#57
Jul 29, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
If the parent's do not like his behavior they can kick him out...How parents choose to treat their adult kids is their business. However, consequences come from action.
In edogg world, kicking your kid out because he does not conform CAN teach the younger one that mom's in charge and son deserved it. But I'll put my money on daughter learning the lesson that mom is a control freak who just destroyed her relation ship with her son and the takeaway is, keep your head down till you can escape.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#58
Jul 29, 2013
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>In edogg world, kicking your kid out because he does not conform CAN teach the younger one that mom's in charge and son deserved it. But I'll put my money on daughter learning the lesson that mom is a control freak who just destroyed her relation ship with her son and the takeaway is, keep your head down till you can escape.
Yep.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#59
Jul 30, 2013
 
So you're just gonna let your kid, who's living with you, do whatever the hell he wants lest you come off as a control freak?

Color me control freak then. You don't HAVE to do what I say, but you're gonna pack your bags and hit the road. I will not stand idly by and tolerate you disrespecting me and my rules just to keep the peace.

“Walt Frazier for POTUS”

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#60
Jul 30, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Once your child becomes an adult, your job description changes. Until that time, you have authority over them. In job terms, you are their boss. Their supervisor. If they fail to meet your directives, you have the authority to reprimand them. To punish them.

Once they are an adult, you are no longer in charge. You are an advisor. You have no authority to dictate how they conduct themselves. You have no authority to demand they comply with your wishes.
I agree with one caveat, if I'm providing college financial assistance, I get to call at least part of the shots. If this was my kid, I'd have a very clear conversation about his education plans, what happens if he decides not to further his education, etc.

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