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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jul 29, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My grandmother made the decision to move to an assisted-living facility two years ago. She left most of her belongings in her farmhouse, which has sat empty since then. Her health is fine, so she should be around for many years. It has already been decided that my dad will inherit the house, but he doesn't want to live there anytime soon because of the location.(It's way out in the country.)

I'm afraid the house is going to become unlivable if it sits for years without utilities or anyone taking care of it. Dad mows the grass, but that's about it, and all of Grandma's belongings are collecting dead flies. Nobody seems to care but me. Dad has three siblings, and between them there are nine grandchildren. How do I get my family to take care of Grandma's house?-- CONSCIENTIOUS IN KANSAS CITY, KAN.

DEAR CONSCIENTIOUS: Your father may be inheriting the house, but is he also inheriting all of the contents? If the answer is no, there should be a family discussion about the disposition of the furniture, clothing, linens and any possible heirloom items.

I agree with you that nothing good can happen to the house if no one is paying attention. It's an invitation to theft or vandalism. The house should be cleaned and dusted. The furniture should be covered with sheets to keep it as free of dust as possible. Someone should check the place at least once a month.

If no one else in the family is willing to step up to the plate and help out, because you are conscientious, it looks like you're elected. If it's too much for you, perhaps a caretaker could be hired to watch over, or possibly live in, the house.

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Joe," is 19, a high school graduate living at home with his dad and me until he leaves for college next year. He will be paying his tuition, and we are charging him a token rent ($100/month) while he's not in school. He eats dinner with us most nights, and I usually do his laundry. He has a part-time job.

This has been working out fine except for one thing. Joe has a longtime girlfriend, and he has been spending some nights at her house.(She lives alone.) We haven't forbidden this because he's an adult, and I worry that if we say no he will move in with her. However, we are not comfortable with his spending nights there.

Part of our objection is we don't like the example it sets for his 13-year-old sister, but aside from that we don't think it's a good idea, although we can't say why. We know they're sexually active regardless of who sleeps where. Are we old-fashioned, or is it reasonable to ask him not to spend the whole night with his girlfriend?-- OLD-SCHOOL PARENT

DEAR OLD SCHOOL: Because you have misgivings about your son spending the night at his girlfriend's, you and your husband should talk to him about it together. Although he is an adult, I agree that what's going on sends a wrong message to his younger sister who, unless you talk to her about your family values, will think this is acceptable.

You should also take time to think through why you are uneasy about what your son is doing. If it has anything to do with worry about an unplanned pregnancy, your husband might be able to get through to him better than you can. If he intends to complete his college education, becoming a father could slow him down, if not end it.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#2 Jul 29, 2013
1: You just nominated yourself, ya' slacker.
2: Dear Old School, stand your ground and don't apologize for being a parent. Exercise your options as a concerned parent.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Jul 29, 2013
L1: Abby gave good advice. I guarantee you, that house will be robbed. May as well get the valuables out now, even if you don' divvy the stuff up right away.

L2: Wow, charging rent for a kid who's going to college soon? By charging him rent, I say he gets to come and go as he pleases. You need to lighten up. He's an adult. What message are you worried about sending to your 13yo? That adults have sexual relationships? You sound like lame parents.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Jul 29, 2013
1 Abby gave good advice. Empty homes are now being stripped of all the plumbing and wiring for sale as scrap. Get somebody in that house ASAP

2 Helicopter mommy! Joe is a friggin adult, and you really have no say. I bet you have already told him that he cant have her over, which is a violation of his rights as a paying renter. Just tell your innocent daughter that he is invited to a "sleep over" at his GF house, I am sure your kid is too stoopid to figure it out. Or maybe you want to try the parental approach and tell her that even though he does stay there you do not approve, and hope that she will show better judgement when she is that age....

Come to think of it, who are you to tell your daughter that she cant have her boyfriend sleep over in her own apt when she is 19??

Get a hobby mom
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#5 Jul 29, 2013
1: I think it's rude to say no one cares because they wont drop their life and move "way out in the country."
Go move out there and shaddup already.

2: Um, he lives under his parents' roof-they absolutely have say. If he doesn't like it, he can move out now.
It's not always fair, but that's the right of a parent. Move in with gf if he doesn't like it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Jul 29, 2013
He pays rent, he is a tenant. Tenants have rights, and the parents cannot dictate where he sleeps. And the parent does not want him to move in with the GF, she expressly said so.
I really dont see this as a parenting issue, but rather a smothering mother issue.
cheluzal wrote:
2: Um, he lives under his parents' roof-they absolutely have say. If he doesn't like it, he can move out now.
It's not always fair, but that's the right of a parent. Move in with gf if he doesn't like it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Jul 29, 2013
1- Is this your way of saying YOU wish to move into that house?

2- On one hand, if he's living under your roof, he can abide by your rules. On the other, he IS paying rent. Tell him you don't want him staying at his girlfriend's, but if he refuses, you prepared to throw him out?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Jul 29, 2013
LW1: MYOFB

LW2: There is nothing wrong with it. There also will be nothing wrong if your daughter when she is an adult spends the night at her bfs house.

Whats it really matter once they start having sex anyway? Would it make you feel better if they had sex in a car on the side of the road?

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#9 Jul 29, 2013
L1: The LW and Abby are both right, but I don't know how Abby is supposed to help the LW convince his/her family of this.

L2: Make sure he's wrapping that rascal, or you'll end up with a grandchild living with you too.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Jul 29, 2013
L1: Time for a family meeting -- even if it is by conference call. This is something that perhaps dad could benefit from by getting advice and/or suggestions.

L2: I get it. You have teenagers and one is 13 and one is an adult. THe 13 year old probably looks up to the 19 year old. It would be difficult to control the 19 year old to the extent you want to so I would suggest having informal sit-downs with the 13 year old and have conversations on sex, marriage, finances, live plans, and birth control. Top it off with what you hope for your kids. Focus on what you can do, not what you can't control.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Jul 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: Abby gave good advice. I guarantee you, that house will be robbed. May as well get the valuables out now, even if you don' divvy the stuff up right away.
L2: Wow, charging rent for a kid who's going to college soon? By charging him rent, I say he gets to come and go as he pleases. You need to lighten up. He's an adult. What message are you worried about sending to your 13yo? That adults have sexual relationships? You sound like lame parents.
I agree.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Jul 29, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
2: Um, he lives under his parents' roof-they absolutely have say. If he doesn't like it, he can move out now.
It's not always fair, but that's the right of a parent. Move in with gf if he doesn't like it.
If the parents were not charging rent I would agree with you, but as soon as rent comes into play he gets the same rights as anyone else living in a boarding house. They can say not to have the GF seep over at their house, but outside their front door what he does and where he does is his business. That's what he gets for $100.00 a month.

Why can't they say why it is making them uncomfortable? Is it hard to talk about sex? Is it something else about the girl or the neighborhood? And if they think they are protecting their 13 year old? That is unlikely.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#13 Jul 29, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
1: I think it's rude to say no one cares because they wont drop their life and move "way out in the country."
Go move out there and shaddup already.
There's nothing rude about the LW statement. If I say my friend won't move to the city because "it's in the city", that's rude?
The LW sounds young and not able to move there. Instead, she/he should be commended for having the foresight to see that an abandoned house will go to ruin.
Not only being robbed but water/insect damage, etc. LW might have good memories of her grandma in that house. Don't know how she can convince her family tho. When it comes time to sell the house LW can listen to her father complain because he can't get a lot of money because the family let it go. I guess LW can then say I told you so.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#14 Jul 29, 2013
RACE wrote:
He pays rent, he is a tenant. Tenants have rights, and the parents cannot dictate where he sleeps. And the parent does not want him to move in with the GF, she expressly said so.
I really dont see this as a parenting issue, but rather a smothering mother issue.
<quoted text>
I think it's more of a setting good examples issue.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#15 Jul 29, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW2: There is nothing wrong with it. There also will be nothing wrong if your daughter when she is an adult spends the night at her bfs house.
That is a matter of opinion. The parents have a different viewpoint.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#16 Jul 29, 2013
I'm fine with charging your *working* kid rent, but if the kid is planning on going to school (as in, is enrolled, a start date is coming up)? That just seems cold to me.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Jul 29, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I think it's more of a setting good examples issue.
And what example would that be? NOt having a girlfriend? DOing what mommy and daddy tell him even though he's an adult paying rent?

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#18 Jul 29, 2013
L1: And if grandma has to go to a nursing home and doesn't have enough cash to pay for her care that house will have to be sold. Medicare will kick in and will require it. The more money realized from the house the better the nursing home care might be.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#19 Jul 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I'm fine with charging your *working* kid rent, but if the kid is planning on going to school (as in, is enrolled, a start date is coming up)? That just seems cold to me.
Me, too but they're doing it. We don't know -- they could be paying other bills of his or whatever.

Seems silly to me to be taking money from a kid who has college looming over his head. I'd think he'd have enough worries starting that phase of his life.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#20 Jul 29, 2013
LW1: You are absolutely right, someone should be looking after the house and cleaning it regularly. I agree w/Toj, call a family meeting. Otherwise, you'll be the one doing the work.

LW2: Your son is a 19-year-old adult. The days of forbidding him to do anything are over. He will do as he pleases. I guarantee you that he will move in with his girlfriend if you forbid him to spend the night there. I think your best option is to get comfortable with the situation. As for the example it set for your 13-year-old, she's her own person and will make her own choices. You cannot control others.

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