“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 11, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am the grandmother of three beautiful children, ages 4, 6 and 10, whom I live with and help raise.

Their mother (my daughter) has been involved in approximately six relationships over the past three years, with a two- to three-week interval between relationships.

I am wondering if it is a good idea for her to have these men sleeping in her bed every night, visible to the kids, and also whether it is OK for the kids to sleep with her and the men.

I am looking for an objective answer.-- Grandmother

DEAR GRANDMOTHER: It is not good for the children to have six different men in their lives and living in the home with them. I also think it is a terrible idea to have children sleeping alongside two adults who I presume are sexually active. Having men unrelated to the children passing through the home places them at risk. This is also emotionally confusing.

You are also living in the home. I assume you have raised this issue and that your daughter either does not agree with your opinion or does not care what you think.

You are essentially co-parenting the children with your daughter but have no say in a very basic issue such as who lives in the house with you. Nor do the children have a say in the matter.

You and your daughter could benefit from attending parenting classes together. That way you could both receive objective in-person opinions (and perhaps mediation) on what is best for the children. However, this is a matter of common sense; your daughter either doesn't possess this very basic judgment or is simply too selfish to care. I hope you can continue to advocate for the children.

DEAR AMY: A week and a half ago I went on a first date with a great guy. We spent a long lunch getting to know each other -- the date lasted five hours! We've seen each other a few more times since, and I really like him. Not five days later, a friend of a friend asked me on a date, and we also had a great time.

Now I have two awesome men in my life, both with their own unique qualities, but I'm feeling guilty for dating two people at the same time!

What should I do? I really don't know either of them well enough yet to decide whom I like better or whom I would be a better woman/girlfriend/wife for. I've expressed to them that I'd like to take my time getting to know them, but I'm getting messages from them both daily. I don't want either to feel rejected, and I don't want to be callous with their feelings.

How long can I keep this up? How do I decide?-- Divided on Dating

DEAR DIVIDED: It's called "dating" for a reason -- you are getting to know people. You can tamp down your guilt by being honest with both men, even though at this early stage it's really not their business whom else you are seeing (they may also be seeing other people). Nor at this stage should you worry too much about what they want in a woman/girlfriend/wife. Your job is to focus on what you want.

Otherwise, the most logical thing to do is to follow your gut and stop seeing both of these men at the same time. Resort to the time-honored technique of partner choosing: Interview each to see which man is "relationship-worthy " and take it from there.

DEAR AMY: I'm responding to the letter from "Joan," the 50-year-old woman who received money from her mother and can't decide whether to take a trip to India or bank the money for retirement.

When faced with two equally valid paths, I choose both. Perhaps there is a tour group to India that may cost less or she could go during the off-season. This way she could still go on the trip and at the same time, put some money away for her future.-- Shelley

DEAR SHELLEY: "When faced with two equally valid paths, I choose both." Very wise! Thank you.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Mar 11, 2013
L1: It's never good when the mom has a revolving door on her bedroom. Your daughter is immature and puts her own selfish needs ahead of what's best for her kids. What a great mom she must be.*Cough.*

L2: OH my freaking god, it's been 10 days. Put your underwear in the freezer and CHILL.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Mar 11, 2013
1 What a train wreck! If you need amby to tell you that kids should not be in bed with the man your daughter brought home from the bar...

2 choose the guy who makes more money, you can always find another guy with a bigger *ick.

3 I hate smug rehash answers.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#4 Mar 11, 2013
LW1: "C'mon little Suzie it's time for bed with momma. BTW, little Suzie, I'd like you to meet Earl from the bar."

Hell no that isnít good.

LW2: Youíve only gone on one date with each of them. I donít think you have to commit right now.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Mar 11, 2013
LW1: "I am wondering if it is a good idea for her to have these men sleeping in her bed every night"
Probably not the best idea.

"also whether it is OK for the kids to sleep with her and the men."
WTF?!? Doesthat usually happen when she's trying to get rid of them?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#6 Mar 11, 2013
India has an off season? Do the sacred cows migrate to Pakistan or what?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#7 Mar 11, 2013
Ever hear of monsoon season?
edogxxx wrote:
India has an off season? Do the sacred cows migrate to Pakistan or what?

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#8 Mar 11, 2013
1 You must be so proud of your ho' daughter.........

2 We've all been through this, and I made the wrong choice every time. I got nothin'.....

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#9 Mar 11, 2013
RACE wrote:
Ever hear of monsoon season?
<quoted text>
Is that during the off season?

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#10 Mar 11, 2013
LW1 - Well, we all can tell where daughter got her brains.

Also, Go RACE.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#11 Mar 11, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Is that during the off season?
It's the reason for the off season.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Mar 11, 2013
LW1: That she thinks it's ok and that you even have ask if it's ok makes me just shake my head. Poor kids.

LW2: Oh, such problems! It's called dating, ya dummy. Just shut up and have fun - is that so hard?

LW3: C'mon RACE! Smug rehash is soooo tasty.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Mar 11, 2013
L1: The fact the mother is asking this question suggests why the daughter thinks it's okay.

Personally, I'd think about calling DCFS or whatever they have in their city/state. Strange men sleeping with her and her children? Wouldn't happen on my watch if I lived in that house.

L2: I wonder if she wrote the letter to brag. Why would you worry about THIS when it's only been 2 weeks. They both may dump you next week.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Mar 11, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: The fact the mother is asking this question suggests why the daughter thinks it's okay.
Personally, I'd think about calling DCFS or whatever they have in their city/state. Strange men sleeping with her and her children? Wouldn't happen on my watch if I lived in that house.
While I share your opinion on the situation, do you really think DCFS has any legal ground to do anything here?

There's no law against having a sleep over bf while you are a single parent.

And I'm going to GUESS that the incidents with the child sleeping in the same bed probably happen AFTER she has been dating long enough to refer to him as her boyfriend, so its not like some random dude from the bar.

I just don't think DCFS has any ground to to anything here.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#15 Mar 11, 2013
L1: You WONDER if all this is a good idea? Good grief.

L2: Well aren't you special.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Mar 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>While I share your opinion on the situation, do you really think DCFS has any legal ground to do anything here?
There's no law against having a sleep over bf while you are a single parent.
And I'm going to GUESS that the incidents with the child sleeping in the same bed probably happen AFTER she has been dating long enough to refer to him as her boyfriend, so its not like some random dude from the bar.
I just don't think DCFS has any ground to to anything here.
It isn't against the law per se but to report it and have them investigate it might give the grandmother more teeth and scare the mother of those kids a bit. Maybe not though. She obviously is very ineffective.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#17 Mar 11, 2013
LW1: Ugh. Where to start... There is no mention of an ex-husband here. Where is/are the father(s) of these children? No, it is not OK for the children to sleep anywhere except in their own beds at their ages. The mother should not have sleepovers with the children in the home until she is in long-term committed relationship. Six relationships in three years with short intervals between is six relationships of six months or less duration. Mom needs to slow down and get to know a man before jumping in the sack with him.

LW2: You are doing fine and it will become obvious over time which one is the better candidate.

LW3: Second rehash of the India letter! I suggested that she invest the money, save more, and plan to go to India in a year.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Cedar Grove, TN

#18 Mar 11, 2013
1. Holy carp. No wonder your daughter is so messed up. You didn't know enough to give her proper guidance. Get your act together and straighten your daughter out before your grandkids are too enmeshed in the cycle of redneckness.

2. You sound like someone not accustomed to getting much attention and now that you are you're overwhelmed. You always have a few dates before you owe someone anything. Go out on a couple more with both, then just make a darn decision.

3. Um, if you choose both then you're not really choosing, are you?
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#19 Mar 11, 2013
LW1: Isn't a child something like 2/3 more likely to be molested when an unrelated male lives in the house? I forget the statistic exactly, but it is something big like that. Having a revolving door makes it that much more likely. Not to mention, she is teaching the kids some mighty good lessons. They'll probably end up like their "mother" by the time they're in high school.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#20 Mar 11, 2013
Stina wrote:
LW1: Isn't a child something like 2/3 more likely to be molested when an unrelated male lives in the house? I forget the statistic exactly, but it is something big like that. Having a revolving door makes it that much more likely. Not to mention, she is teaching the kids some mighty good lessons. They'll probably end up like their "mother" by the time they're in high school.
Could be. But I thought you're more likely to be molested by a relative or close family friend. I agree with you though -- having a revolving door makes it that much more likely or likely the children will be abused in some way.

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