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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Dec 19, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I married "Larry" five years ago, and he is good to me. I have two beautiful grandchildren who are my daughter's. If I don't see them once a week I miss them.(They are 2 1/2 and 16 months old.) Larry doesn't miss the babies or want to see them once a week. Sometimes when they come to the house, he doesn't speak to them or play with them. He says he wants his peace and quiet at the house.

Larry's great with the babies in public. He is also good about playing with our friends' kids. But he doesn't want the grandchildren to spend the night here because he doesn't want his sleep disturbed.(He can get up at 4 a.m. to go fishing, though.)

He has two sons and doesn't mind if he hears from them only twice a year. He's the type of person who says what he thinks without caring if it's rude or hurtful. If you don't like him, he can live without being friends with you. No one comes to visit us at our home.

I miss my family, my daughter and the babies. Do I leave?-- UNHAPPY IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR UNHAPPY: If you are the one making all the concessions, make a list of Larry's good qualities, and then make one that includes how he refuses to compromise, makes you feel lonely and isolated, and says things without regard to whether they are hurtful to others. Place them side by side, and you will have your answer.

DEAR ABBY: After recently meeting my older brother's male roommate, a few things occurred that make me wonder if my brother is gay. Whether he is or not doesn't matter to me, and I don't feel it's my business to find out unless he chooses to share it with me.

Although I am a strong supporter of the gay and lesbian community, my concern is that because we were raised in an extremely conservative home, my brother may think I still hold those beliefs and may be reluctant to confide in me. I don't want to make a wrong assumption about his sexuality, nor do I want to force him out of the closet before he's ready. How can I let him know I support him, no matter what, without crossing the line?-- LIBERAL GIRL IN TEXAS

DEAR LIBERAL GIRL: There are ways to communicate your feelings to your brother without being direct. If you are still in school, consider joining a gay/straight alliance. If you see something in the news about a gay issue, call it to his attention and say something positive. Or, if you think that might make him uncomfortable, how about giving him a hug and telling him how lucky you feel to have him as a brother and that you will love him forever?(Come to think of it, a straight sibling might also appreciate hearing it.)

DEAR ABBY: Does being invited to an engagement party "guarantee" you will also be invited to the wedding?-- LOOKING AHEAD IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: Yes, it does. And for that not to happen is a huge breach of etiquette on the part of whoever is hosting the wedding, whether it's the bride's parents or the couple themselves.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Dec 19, 2013
1- Maybe he can get up at 4 am to go fishing because HIS SLEEP ISN'T DISTURBED??! He's raised his kids. The last thing he wants as he tries to enjoy his golden years is more babies in the house again.

" If you don't like him, he can live without being friends with you."

Yeah, most people can. How about YOU go visit your grandchildren and not force Larry to have to entertain your family?

2- Yay for fking you, you support gays, have a dam cookie! How about you leave your brother's sexuality to him?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Dec 19, 2013
L1: don't let him boss you around. Have the grandkids over. He can go find something else to do.

L2: you must not be very vocal of your support of gays if you don't let your conservative family know. Chicken.

L3: it is supposed to work that way but often doesn't. But take heart: according to etiquette, gifts are not supposed to be given at engagement parties.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Dec 19, 2013
1 Team Gramps, Sounds like a normal male to me.

2 buy a rainbow flag and run it up the pole (under the US flag of course)

3 Girl stuff...

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#5 Dec 19, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: don't let him boss you around. Have the grandkids over.
So instead, she should boss HIM around?

There are likely valid reasons for him not wanting the grandkids over: the house likely isn't "baby proof," nor should it have to be. There's nothing stopping her from visiting the kids at THEIR house.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#6 Dec 19, 2013
LW1: Your grandchildren are young toddlers. A lot of men are not good with kids that age. Why are the kids spending the night? You are a grandparent. You're supposed to spoil the kids and then return them to their parents. There's a lot of ground for compromise between leaving Larry and never having the kids spend the night. How about you go visit them every other week and have them over once every other week. Or have them over only once per month? I predict that when the kids are older and can go fishing with grandpa, he will enjoy them far more.

LW2: If your brother is gay, he will come out when he is ready. This is his journey, not yours.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Dec 19, 2013
Lw1: What Race said. I get the feeling he does not want them over cause the wife expects him to dote on them the way she does and nags him. Leave him oit of it and I bet he would have no problem with their visits.

Lw2: to Red. So whst if she's neing chicken(your words, not mine). Some people, like me, have zero interest in getting in heated debates with the family. Your not going to change them. I try to keep things pleasant. I don't ralk politics, religion, etc

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Dec 19, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: Your grandchildren are young toddlers. A lot of men are not good with kids that age. Why are the kids spending the night? You are a grandparent. You're supposed to spoil the kids and then return them to their parents. There's a lot of ground for compromise between leaving Larry and never having the kids spend the night. How about you go visit them every other week and have them over once every other week. Or have them over only once per month? I predict that when the kids are older and can go fishing with grandpa, he will enjoy them far more.
LW2: If your brother is gay, he will come out when he is ready. This is his journey, not yours.
You find it odd that the grandkids spend the night? Seems pretty normal to me and i don't even have local inlaws. Grandma takes the kuds fir the night so mom and dad can have an adult evening out and not worry about getting home at a certain hour so grandma can go home

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Dec 19, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: Your grandchildren are young toddlers. A lot of men are not good with kids that age. Why are the kids spending the night? You are a grandparent. You're supposed to spoil the kids and then return them to their parents. There's a lot of ground for compromise between leaving Larry and never having the kids spend the night. How about you go visit them every other week and have them over once every other week. Or have them over only once per month? I predict that when the kids are older and can go fishing with grandpa, he will enjoy them far more.
LW2: If your brother is gay, he will come out when he is ready. This is his journey, not yours.
And lw did not give any indication of how often the kids spend the night. It could very well be once a month

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#10 Dec 19, 2013
L3. There re no guaranties.

A lot depends on who hosted the engagement party ad who is throwing the wedding. If the groom's family throws the engagement party but the B&G ultimately decide to have a small wedding, some might not be invited. Parents have been known to try and force kids to invite certain people by doing this.

That aid, this happened in my family. My grandmother quit talking to one of her brothers for over 15 years because of it.

Brother was not affluent and could only throw a small wedding. The guest list had to be cut somewhere.

Stupid relatives.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#11 Dec 19, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>You find it odd that the grandkids spend the night? Seems pretty normal to me and i don't even have local inlaws. Grandma takes the kuds fir the night so mom and dad can have an adult evening out and not worry about getting home at a certain hour so grandma can go home
You missed my point entirely. My point was, if Larry doesn't like it when these very young toddlers spend the night, why is it necessary that they spend the night? LW can enjoy her grandchildren without having them sleep over. She didn't mention how far away her daughter lives. But the bottom line is, Larry doesn't enjoy having the kids in the house overnight, and doesn't enjoy frequent visits. Not everyone enjoys very young children. I think they can compromise.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Dec 19, 2013
LW1: I'd start going over to their house more. And I'd try sleeping over at their house first anyway.

But I bet Larry starts complaining about how much time you're spending away from home.

LW2: If you don't care, why are you writing to Abby? Tell your bro you love him and then leave him alone.

LW3: And why is this important?

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#13 Dec 19, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
You missed my point entirely. My point was, if Larry doesn't like it when these very young toddlers spend the night, why is it necessary that they spend the night? LW can enjoy her grandchildren without having them sleep over. She didn't mention how far away her daughter lives. But the bottom line is, Larry doesn't enjoy having the kids in the house overnight, and doesn't enjoy frequent visits. Not everyone enjoys very young children. I think they can compromise.
To me a compromise would be how often they spent the night, not whether grandchildren were ALLOWED to spend an occasional night.
If they're not welcome at all, how is that a compromise? It is just giving in to him.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#14 Dec 19, 2013
"If I don't see them once a week I miss them."

"Larry doesn't miss the babies or want to see them once a week."

Sounds like this is happening every dam week. They can compromise.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#15 Dec 20, 2013
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text> To me a compromise would be how often they spent the night, not whether grandchildren were ALLOWED to spend an occasional night.
If they're not welcome at all, how is that a compromise? It is just giving in to him.
How is having them visit but not spend the night not a compromise? LW states that Larry doesn't want the children to spend the night because he doesn't want his sleep disturbed. Maybe he would be agreeable to having overnights on a once-per-month or once every other month basis. Her letter read like it was her way or the highway. I think there's a lot of middle ground.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#16 Dec 20, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
How is having them visit but not spend the night not a compromise? LW states that Larry doesn't want the children to spend the night because he doesn't want his sleep disturbed. Maybe he would be agreeable to having overnights on a once-per-month or once every other month basis. Her letter read like it was her way or the highway. I think there's a lot of middle ground.
That's exactly what I meant. I don't think having them over to visit EVERY week is necessary, she can alternate weeks of going to their place to visit. Have them spend a night maybe once a month, or every six weeks.
I just don't believe his sleep will be THAT affected, and if it is, he can deal. It isn't like he has to get up bright and early to go to work. If one of them does wake up in the night, you can bet it won't be HIM getting up to tend to the child, it will be her.
Having grandchildren spend an occasional night is compromise, especially if she will make one or more of the visits to the kids' home the other weeks. Forbidding them EVER spending the night is not a compromise, and IMO (and a couple others I know) is unreasonable. A grandparent should be able to have over nights with their grandchildren unless there are reasons not to beyond some temporary minor inconvenience such as the possibility of disturbed sleep one night every four to six weeks. From the letter it seems he isn't willing to compromise at all, and as a result she's digging her heels in just as hard. They BOTH need to give a little.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Dec 20, 2013
I still think this whole thing us more about his general attitude of indifference, not how much they come over. She complains that he does not miss them, sometimes does not play with them. I think he is more than fine with them coming over, as long as he has no responsibility to entertain/supervise them. She is upset that he is not willingly more involved and affectionate. And I can understand his indifference. He does not see them as his grandchildren any more than he sees their mother as his daughter. He's been with lw for 5 years.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#18 Dec 20, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
I still think this whole thing us more about his general attitude of indifference, not how much they come over. She complains that he does not miss them, sometimes does not play with them. I think he is more than fine with them coming over, as long as he has no responsibility to entertain/supervise them. She is upset that he is not willingly more involved and affectionate. And I can understand his indifference. He does not see them as his grandchildren any more than he sees their mother as his daughter. He's been with lw for 5 years.
If that's her real problem, then she needs to just get over it.
They're her grandchildren, not his.
While some men wouldn't care where they came from, he obviously has no attachment, and she should back off trying to force that issue. You cannot force someone to love another.
He shouldn't have to be involved with them if he doesn't want to, but he also needs to allow her to enjoy time with them, they just need to work out a schedule that lets her spend time, including over-nights, with these children.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#19 Dec 20, 2013
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text> If that's her real problem, then she needs to just get over it.
They're her grandchildren, not his.
While some men wouldn't care where they came from, he obviously has no attachment, and she should back off trying to force that issue. You cannot force someone to love another.
He shouldn't have to be involved with them if he doesn't want to, but he also needs to allow her to enjoy time with them, they just need to work out a schedule that lets her spend time, including over-nights, with these children.
ITA.y

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#20 Dec 22, 2013
And the fact that she is considering leaving him shows how much of a problem this is for her
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text> If that's her real problem, then she needs to just get over it.
They're her grandchildren, not his.
While some men wouldn't care where they came from, he obviously has no attachment, and she should back off trying to force that issue. You cannot force someone to love another.
He shouldn't have to be involved with them if he doesn't want to, but he also needs to allow her to enjoy time with them, they just need to work out a schedule that lets her spend time, including over-nights, with these children.

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