“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Feb 14, 2014
DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my husband, "Scott," started attending church. He had never gone in the few years we dated.

We discussed our feelings about religion before we became engaged. He comes from a family that attended church every Sunday and believes in God. I was raised the exact opposite; I'm an atheist. I told Scott that if we had children, I would be OK with him taking them to church, but I would not join them. It bothered him a little, but we talked it over and moved on.

After a difficult year that led to some mild depression (for which Scott sought help), he started going to church. I was happy for him because it seemed to help him.

After a few weeks he asked me to go with him. I went several times, but felt uncomfortable. I feel like a fraud sitting in the pew. Scott says he "wants my support" and that means attending with him. I suspect he's embarrassed to be there without his wife.

I do not enjoy it. I have been offended by some of the messages that were imparted, and I would prefer having a couple of hours to myself on Sundays.

Abby, what should I do? Is there any middle ground here?-- FEELING COERCED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR FEELING COERCED: Tell Scott that you are happy he has found comfort in going to church, but that you are not comfortable with what is being preached and find some of it offensive. Remind him that church attendance was not part of your agreement when you married him and that you value your solitary time at home the same way he appreciates the service.

While you might relent and go with him on major holidays -- some non-believing spouses do that -- there really isn't a middle ground, and because you feel so strongly about it, you should stand yours.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two girls. One of them has a lot of emotional problems. My husband is gone for months at a time due to his job. I have told him many times that I want him to find another job that would have him home more often. He always says that there are no jobs that will pay what he's making now.

I know that we need a good-paying job, but I need my husband home and my girls need their father. With all of our daughter's issues, everything falls on my shoulders and I don't feel I can handle it alone much longer. We don't live near family, and I have found it hard to make friends due to my daughter's acting out. How do I get my husband to understand?-- MARRIED SINGLE MOM

DEAR MOM: I understand how stressful it must be to have all the responsibility for raising your daughters on your shoulders. And feeling as isolated as you do only intensifies your feelings. If your husband doesn't already understand what you are going through, I doubt there is much you can say that will convince him to quit his lucrative job and help with the children.

Because he is gone so much -- and making good money -- consider moving yourself and your daughters closer to your family so you can have some respite when you need it. And in the meantime, find a therapist for yourself. Perhaps your daughter's doctor or your personal physician can recommend one.

DEAR READERS: Largely because of you, writing this column is a labor of love for me, and I would like to wish you all a very Happy Valentine's Day!-- ABBY

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Feb 14, 2014
1 Tell that sky diety believing idiot you believe we were grown from a can of mushrooms and he needs to attend your gathering place under the compost heap.

2 I doubt there is a place closer to his work flabby. He is probably a fisherman or oil rig worker.

3 Dear flabby. Largely because of you I have met some real hotties on these threads and I want to wish them all a Happy Valentine's Day!

And to you posers that only pretend to be women, I hope you wind up on a blind date with edog!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#3 Feb 14, 2014
1- You're an atheist. Why would church offend you? I could sit through a sermon praising a giant Pappa Smurf and it wouldn't affect me at all. This just supports my theory that atheists aren't truly atheists, they're rebels. And on some level they feel guilt.

2- Find a "stand in" daddy while he's away. Or call Big Brothers.

3- And the true history behind Valentine's Day is violent and tragic.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Feb 14, 2014
1. There are ways to address this.

Look at church as a social gathering place.
Volunteer to staff the nursery during services: then you don't have to listen.

Make friends with some of the other women. Just because they go to church does not mean they preach at you all day.

Ask your husband to shop for alternative congregations until you find one you and he are both comfortable with. The group here knows I come from a Jewish background and my husband is Protestant. That's what we did. It helped that the church we settled on had a superb music program.

Many church have assistant pastors. Find out the schedule when someone other than the main pastor is preaching and agree to attend then. The theology may be an easier pill for you to swallow- or it could be the opposite, but it is something to try .

L2 Dog stumbled into a good option. Big Brothers/Big Sisters are an excellent organization. Also, talk to your daughter's therapist or the school about respite help as well as both therapy and training for yourself on how to deal with her.

You also want to start thinking about long term placement for the girl- wil she ever be independent? If not, at what point can she be moved to a group home or out of her mother's care?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Feb 14, 2014
L1: Some people don't want to be connected to a religion. This wasn't something new for the guy. He needs to deal with that. Instead of joining into the community of the church, there are plenty things you can join as a couple. Look in your area for a club, sport or community center that you both could agree on. You can find a sense of community ther eas well without the religious affiliation.

L2: Therapy. This LW needs to talk over what she can do to help herself and her daughter within the parameters she now has in order to see all of her options.

“Rope Swingin'”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Feb 14, 2014
LW1: If you find some of the messages offensive, maybe a different church would be better if that is the case. Maybe the compromise is that and going together only sometimes.

LW2: What Abby said.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Feb 14, 2014
I dont think the wife needs to compromise at all. Religion is his gig, not hers. Should the husband attend her basket weaving class every Saturday? Maybe they should find another basket weaving class that makes different size or shaped baskets, and then the husband should go?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Feb 14, 2014
LW2: Eff therapy for you, how about some for the child?

“Rope Swingin'”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Feb 14, 2014
RACE wrote:
I dont think the wife needs to compromise at all. Religion is his gig, not hers. Should the husband attend her basket weaving class every Saturday? Maybe they should find another basket weaving class that makes different size or shaped baskets, and then the husband should go?
I don't think so either, but she asked if there is a middle ground.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#10 Feb 14, 2014
RACE wrote:
.
2 I doubt there is a place closer to his work flabby. He is probably a fisherman or oil rig worker.
Closer to her FAMILY -- not to his work!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#11 Feb 14, 2014
Whoops! My bad!
VAdame wrote:
<quoted text>
Closer to her FAMILY -- not to his work!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#12 Feb 14, 2014
Oh sure, throw that in my face!
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't think so either, but she asked if there is a middle ground.
Blunt Advice

Madison, NJ

#13 Feb 14, 2014
RACE wrote:
2 I doubt there is a place closer to his work flabby. He is probably a fisherman or oil rig worker.
I was going to ask which baseball team he is on. Or what band he is in. If he makes good $ he could be part of a teams medical staff or music technician in which he would travel more than he is at home. In any case she sould consider moving near her family.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#15 Feb 15, 2014
Something tells me Scott is encouraging LW1 to come with him because he doesn't want a woman to think he might become available
any time soon.

Something tells me LW2 should work on her friendship building skills for herself,
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#16 Feb 15, 2014
1: Unequally yolked. Bible says no. Dude should've married someone with at least the basic fundamentals in common. Sheesh.

2: This one is sad and tricky.
He feels he must provide, but is going to do so at the expense of his family. When a spouse says something important, the other needs to listen. Of course, she needs to bevery clear on the issues and not just tell him to come home.

Sadly, when she finally breaks and leaves him, he'll be wondering why...

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