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Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#1 Dec 5, 2012
DEAR ABBY: When I was an adolescent, my father molested me. It took me 20 years to finally confide this secret to my mother. Afterward it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

That feeling lasted about two minutes. That's how long it took for her to get on the phone and spread the news to everyone she could think of. This was two years ago and, after repeatedly asking her to stop, she continues to tell.
Two days ago, I caught her spilling the beans to an acquaintance she hadn't spoken to in more than a decade. We got into a heated argument, and she told me she will say what she wants, whenever she wants, to whomever she wants. My feelings are NOT considered, even though I was the victim in all of this. I feel she tells my story to gain sympathy for herself.

Abby, I'm ready to end my relationship with my mother. How can I make her stop flapping her lips?

- The Gossip's Daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER: I suspect you are correct about your mother's motives, and you have my sympathy. Because you can't "make her stop flapping her lips," you will have to accept that she can't be trusted with any confidential information. As I see it, you have two choices. The first would be to cut her out of your life (for which I wouldn't blame you), and the other is to avoid sharing ANY personal information with her in the future.

**********

DEAR ABBY: One of my neighbors insisted on giving me some handcrafted Christmas decorations that are hideous. I have never been big on decorating the outside of my home, but when I do, I have my own that I like much better.

I know she expects me to display her items and will be all bent out of shape when she sees I haven't. Is there a diplomatic way to avoid hurt feelings?

- Florida Reader

DEAR READER: Not really. So hang one or two of them in an inconspicuous place when you decorate for the holidays, so they will be "lost" among the items you prefer to display, or refrain from decorating this year.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Dec 5, 2012
1 Punch you mom in the mouth so her lips swell up and shbe cambt tawk ribte.

2 Oops! Look I dropped them and they shattered. Oh, drat! The car ran over them too!
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#3 Dec 5, 2012
1. That bitch would be cut out until she came to me groveling. And then she wouldn't get any more than cursory discussion about the weather and what a bitch she is.

2. Just hang 'em on the backside of the tree and if she asks tell her that you didn't want to put them on the front and make everyone else feel bad by comparison about the decorations they have given you.

“No. 1 Stunna”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#4 Dec 5, 2012
LW1: Abby nailed it.

LW2: I would just do what you want to do and not worry about hurting a neighbors feelings so much.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#5 Dec 5, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
LW2: I would just do what you want to do and not worry about hurting a neighbors feelings so much.
I completely agree. It's YOUR house.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Dec 5, 2012
L1: This LW probably feels like she has lost both her parents. She probably has. I think she needs a good therapist and also start building solid friendships with good people. Also, SHE did nothing wrong. The telling is dissing the father, not her. She needs to start feeling that way. Yes, her mother is very stupid to be spreading the news but the fact it bothers her so much personally instead of looking at it that at least it's not being brushed under the rug and people can see what her father is, well to me that's telling on where her state of mind is.

L2: Just don't display them. The neighbor insisted. You didn't. Let it go.
Community Disorganizer

Florham Park, NJ

#8 Dec 5, 2012
LW 1: End it now!

LW 2: You live in Florida, just display them, nobody will even take notice.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#9 Dec 5, 2012
Toj wrote:
L1: This LW probably feels like she has lost both her parents. She probably has. I think she needs a good therapist and also start building solid friendships with good people. Also, SHE did nothing wrong. The telling is dissing the father, not her. She needs to start feeling that way. Yes, her mother is very stupid to be spreading the news but the fact it bothers her so much personally instead of looking at it that at least it's not being brushed under the rug and people can see what her father is, well to me that's telling on where her state of mind is.
L2: Just don't display them. The neighbor insisted. You didn't. Let it go.
The fact that she did nothing wrong doesn't mean she should want everyone to know about it. When people know that a woman was molested as a child, especially by her father, many look at her differently. Not all do, but many, and you would not believe the range of disgusting questions I have been asked. The majority of us would be extremely upset to know that it's being broadcast far and wide, and the fact that it is her mother doing it makes it so much more of a betrayal. I (and the LW, I suspect) would feel very differently if her mom were telling those with children with whom her father may be in contact, but that doesn't seem to be the case. She's running around telling everyone, and I suspect it has far more to do with shock value and garnering pity for herself than it does with warning potential victims. Other than protecting other children, there is NO reason for that vile woman to betray her daughter's confidence, especially when she has repeatedly been asked to stop.
As far as I'm concerned, there would be no more second chances for her mother. I would tell her there would be no future communications, and to feel free to run around and suck up pity for having such an unreasonable, ungrateful daughter...while I go fill my life with people who understand boundaries, privacy and trust.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Dec 5, 2012
itser wrote:
<quoted text>
The fact that she did nothing wrong doesn't mean she should want everyone to know about it. When people know that a woman was molested as a child, especially by her father, many look at her differently. Not all do, but many, and you would not believe the range of disgusting questions I have been asked...
Yes. Yes I would.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#11 Dec 5, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes. Yes I would.
Then why would you think there is something wrong with her state of mind for not wanting that to be broadcast?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Dec 5, 2012
I agree, itser and Toj. In fact, unless a very close friend confided in me, it's something I'd rather not know about a person--it's just such an intimate thing to know.

Of course, part of this secrecy is what helps child molesters keep on molesting. Maybe we need to treat childhood sexual abuse like the rape that it is -- and women have been going public as rape victims for 30 years now, and have advanced the rights of (female) rape victims.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Dec 5, 2012
itser wrote:
<quoted text>
Then why would you think there is something wrong with her state of mind for not wanting that to be broadcast?
Sorry to butt in, but my take on it is, Toj is saying "You can't control her, she OBVIOUSLY thinks this is all about her and will continue to tell everybody, so you may as well get your mind in a place where you can let go of expecting normal behavior from your crazy mother."

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#14 Dec 5, 2012
Since the dad is not mentioned in the present, I am assuming that he is either dead or otherwise out of the picture.
My personal hunch is that the mom knew of the abuse but kept quite, but now that the daughter opened up to her, she is blabbing it all over creation to create the image that she never knew about it. And her ignoring her daughters request to shut up about it, only re-enforces that thought.
itser wrote:
<quoted text>
Then why would you think there is something wrong with her state of mind for not wanting that to be broadcast?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#15 Dec 5, 2012
RACE wrote:
Since the dad is not mentioned in the present, I am assuming that he is either dead or otherwise out of the picture.
My personal hunch is that the mom knew of the abuse but kept quite, but now that the daughter opened up to her, she is blabbing it all over creation to create the image that she never knew about it. And her ignoring her daughters request to shut up about it, only re-enforces that thought.
<quoted text>
I think you got it right.

I

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Dec 5, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I agree, itser and Toj. In fact, unless a very close friend confided in me, it's something I'd rather not know about a person--it's just such an intimate thing to know.
Of course, part of this secrecy is what helps child molesters keep on molesting. Maybe we need to treat childhood sexual abuse like the rape that it is -- and women have been going public as rape victims for 30 years now, and have advanced the rights of (female) rape victims.
This! De-stigmatize the victims.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#17 Dec 5, 2012
itser wrote:
<quoted text>
Then why would you think there is something wrong with her state of mind for not wanting that to be broadcast?
I don't think anything is really "wrong" with her state of mind, it could be stronger, though.

My mother was quite vocal about telling people. When I got stronger I was able to say to the a-holes with inappropriate remarks -- "Why would you say that? I did nothing wrong. The abuser did." It made me feel more powerful (which you need then) and really made the person saying something (1) feel bad,(2) learn something and, most importantly,(3) shut them the hell up. Also, I firmly believe(d) that I did nothing wrong. You need to get to that place otherwise it affects your life way too much. It will always affect you, but you can be more cognizant of the effects.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Dec 5, 2012
RACE wrote:
Since the dad is not mentioned in the present, I am assuming that he is either dead or otherwise out of the picture.
My personal hunch is that the mom knew of the abuse but kept quite, but now that the daughter opened up to her, she is blabbing it all over creation to create the image that she never knew about it. And her ignoring her daughters request to shut up about it, only re-enforces that thought.
<quoted text>
Maybe. People always blame the parents so the mother could be feeling that.

Also, consider abuse usually does not happen in a vacuum. The mother most likely has a lot of issues herself.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#19 Dec 5, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
This! De-stigmatize the victims.
Exactly. Zero shame for the victim. Zero. It all belongs on the abusers and The people who help them abuse.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#20 Dec 5, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Sorry to butt in, but my take on it is, Toj is saying "You can't control her, she OBVIOUSLY thinks this is all about her and will continue to tell everybody, so you may as well get your mind in a place where you can let go of expecting normal behavior from your crazy mother."
Yes! Yes! It's not about the girl, the victim. Her mother is making it all about herself and not giving the daughter the support she needs as the victim. The mother is taking that away from her.

The daughter needs to get to a place where she isn't the victim anymore but rather a stronger person who has overcome a horrible period in her life. She has to accept her mother's faults b/c she's NOT going to change. She doesn't have to like them, though. Acceptance does not mean you like those traits.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#21 Dec 5, 2012
LW1: I think RACE is right that mom knew all about this while it was happening and is now acting this way to deflect from herself.

Poor daughter...

LW2: Put them in the back yard.

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