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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 9, 2012
DEAR AMY: I made a stupid joke about my husband in front of his friends and co-workers. I did it innocently, but my husband was humiliated.

Now all his co-workers are making fun of him at work. He is furious with me and feels that I don't love him.

I know disrespecting him in front of his friends like that was a careless thing to do. He says he isn't sure if he will ever be able to forgive me for what I did. He asked me if I really want to be with him, and I do!

He feels I betrayed him and ridiculed him because I don't care about his feelings. We have been married for 17 years and have two wonderful kids. I am truly sorry, but I'm not sure how to fix this.-- Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Even though you admit that this remark was careless and stupid, you should at least recognize that doing this was also extremely hostile and humiliating.

Things said in jest are often more revealing of a person's true intent than the jester is willing to admit. Your husband may be making this assumption. And because he is being razzed at work, this comment of yours has "legs."

All the same, if you have apologized and asked for forgiveness, your husband should make an effort to release his own anger over this and meet you halfway.

If you find you two can't successfully get past this (if he continues to bring it up or retaliates in a way that is out of proportion), you should meet with a professional counselor. You may have some serious issues to work out, and that's definitely no joke.

DEAR AMY: My husband and I got married a little over a year ago. His sister never gave us a wedding gift, nor did she offer any explanation on why we didn't receive one.

I was a little hurt and confused at the time -- after all, I wouldn't dream of attending a wedding without giving a gift -- but I tried to move past it and decided it wasn't worth rocking the boat.

Fast forward one year. My husband's brother just got married. His sister gave this brother a wedding gift, and a quite sizable one at that.

Now I'm very hurt. The weddings, including any expectations of her, were virtually identical (it's not as if ours was out of town and theirs was not). She has a good relationship with both of her brothers.

My question is, is it ever OK to give one sibling a wedding gift and not the other?-- Confused Wife

DEAR CONFUSED: I receive so many queries about gifts that a person could easily think that we are a greedy, gift-obsessed society.

And maybe this is true, but aside from any monetary value a specific gift might hold, a gift is an important symbol. It conveys affection, appreciation and respect.

You and your husband have been skipped over and neglected. I agree that this is wrong.

He is the person who should handle this with his sister. All he needs to do is to say to her, "I'm a little embarrassed to bring this up, but I'm confused because you gave a wedding gift to our brother and his wife but not to us. Was this deliberate? We are very confused about your intent."

DEAR AMY: Your reply to "No Vacation" was spot on. This mom wrote about a sulky teenager who was refusing to go on the family vacation.

We waited for our oldest child to graduate from a two-year college program before we went on our "final" family vacation. What a difference those two years made in terms of maturation and pleasant companionship, not to mention appreciation!

Teens do grow up, and if we give them the space they need to come around, they become very pleasant people.-- Been There in Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Teens balk and sulk because they don't know how else to handle the prospect of their eventual separation from their family -- at least, that's the way I interpret this behavior.

Remember this, parents: They don't want to be with you because they don't want to part from you!

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#2 Aug 9, 2012
L1: Tell your husband you are sorry, and then tell the baby to put on his big boy pants and act like a man! People have short memories, and this will blow over.

L2: Waah! They got a present and I didn't! Waah!

L3: Seriously, quit beating this dead horse.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#3 Aug 9, 2012
L1: Is this the first time you have done something like that? If so, and you genuinely apologized, then he should let it go. And his coworkers continue to harrass him because it gets a reaction from him. That is on him, not you. However, if it isn't, and you have a history of doing and saying things to ridicule him that you forgot to mention in your letter, then you are the problem. Either way, talk to a counselor who can help you both clear the air and move on.

L2: I would be upset too. The entire point of a wedding is to collect gifts and compare them to all past and future gifts, so you can see who is loved the most. Call a family meeting with all your inlaws and get everything off your chest, screaming until you lose your voice.
Or...let it go and be happy with your life. Maybe she was having some financial trouble at the time.

L3: Go away Amy, and take your cold greasy rehash with you.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Aug 9, 2012
LW1: "I am truly sorry, but I'm not sure how to fix this."
Buy some kneepads and wear them out.

LW2: Just stiff her on the next couple gift giving occassions. Even Steven.

LW3: Again?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Aug 9, 2012
L1: You apologized, and now he's questioning your marriage? Does he typically overreact like this? Does he act offended, insulted, and hurt regularly? Or have you done things like this before and this is the last straw for him? If it's the former, he's being a huge baby and needs to grow up. If it's the latter, then you have some bridges to mend. Either way, you have kids -- you need marriage counseling.

L2: Maybe your SIL doesn't like you and doesn't approve of your marriage. Would a gift have fixed that? Frankly, she could have given you a gift and it got stolen, misassigned to another card (cards fall off of gifts all the time), or she ordered it online and it didn't make it to your home. Your HUSBAND should talk to his sister if this is such a big deal. You shouldn't say a word.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#6 Aug 9, 2012
L2 Since she is aware of the value of the other gift, perhaps it was a check and just perhaps the one to her was lost leaving the SIL to glower about a lack of a thank you note after a year.

L1 I agree with Red that this is an overreaction unless it wasn't just a joke, something more like, Harry wouldn't know , his never gets any bigger than my thumb, etc and the guys are calling him Thumbelina

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#7 Aug 9, 2012
1 What did you expect when you said that in bed, he crosses the finish like before he is even out of the gate?

2 What Itser said

3 Isnt this kid outta college by now?
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#8 Aug 9, 2012
LW1: If it'snot something you normally would do, then your husband is a big baby. Either that, or you have other MAJOR underlying issues. If this is not the first time, you need to reevaluate yourself. Either way, counseling sems in order.

LW2: Seems likely the sister doesn't like you. BUT, I wouldn't say anything. Nothing says, "I'm a greedy beyotch" like going back to someone and asking why the heck they didn't give you a gift.

LW3:....sigh....

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#9 Aug 9, 2012
Stina wrote:
LW2: Nothing says, "I'm a greedy beyotch" like going back to someone and asking why the heck they didn't give you a gift....
...a year later

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Aug 9, 2012
LW1: I kind of need to know what was said before I can give solid advice. That really makes a huge difference. It would also be helpful to know if she has done this before.

LW2: I would ask my sister what’s up with that.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#11 Aug 9, 2012
1- I'm with saulki, this should blow over in a couple days. Unless your hubby is the one keeping it an issue. He should learn to laugh at himself and not be so sensitive. Ask him if he wants his ba ba when he's done crying.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

#12 Aug 9, 2012
L1: I find it interesting that you are all calling him a big baby. Being intentionally publicly humiliated by your spouse is a big effin' deal. I suspect if a woman wrote in saying her husband humiliated her in front of her friends, people would be suggesting she's abused.

"Did it innocently," my asz. You were trying to get attention and went too far. I bet you're used to cracking jokes about people to feel better about yourself. I would be extremely pizsed too.

L2: This makes me sick.

L3: This is one of the stupidest things Amy has ever said. Teenagers don't act the way they do because they're gonna fly the nest. Holy crap, you're an idiot. Teenagers are more likely to not wanna spend time with their parents because parents are boring, embarrassing, demanding and controlling (sometimes even appropriately so). It's also about a struggle for independence by someone who isn't completely ready to have it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Aug 9, 2012
cycle003 wrote:
L1: I find it interesting that you are all calling him a big baby. Being intentionally publicly humiliated by your spouse is a big effin' deal. I suspect if a woman wrote in saying her husband humiliated her in front of her friends, people would be suggesting she's abused.
"Did it innocently," my asz. You were trying to get attention and went too far. I bet you're used to cracking jokes about people to feel better about yourself. I would be extremely pizsed too.
You really can't make that judgement unless you know what was said. It could be something like Pellen's thumbelina comment, or it could be her saying he snores like a lawnmower so now they are calling him Briggs and Stratton. One is way more humiliatingthan the other, but depending on how sensitive he is, he could be acting like a big baby over a snoring comment.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Aug 9, 2012
cycle003 wrote:
L2: This makes me sick.
While I would not recommend the go hounding the sister for a gift or a reason, are you honestly saying you would not feel slighted if your sister got you NOTHING for your wedding but got your brother something substantial? Its not even a matter of one getting a better gift than the other. Its no effort/nothing vs effort and something nice. I can't imagine this would not bother you at least privately.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#15 Aug 9, 2012
L1. Oh yeah. I thought it was funny too.
Co-workers can be relentless.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

#16 Aug 9, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>You really can't make that judgement unless you know what was said. It could be something like Pellen's thumbelina comment, or it could be her saying he snores like a lawnmower so now they are calling him Briggs and Stratton. One is way more humiliatingthan the other, but depending on how sensitive he is, he could be acting like a big baby over a snoring comment.
Sure, the details would be helpful, but even she says she disrespected him. She's using words like ridiculed and humiliated. Yeah, if he's upset over something as inane as a snoring joke, then yeah OK. But I seriously doubt that. What dude and his co-workers are gonna make a big deal out of something like that. I'm willing to be she really did humiliate him and insulted his masculinity.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Aug 9, 2012
cycle003 wrote:
What dude and his co-workers are gonna make a big deal out of something like that.
???Are you serious? We went to lunch for a co-worker's birthday and his wife was there. She called him "Boo Boo" a couple times. Around the office, he was Boo Boo for the next month. It don't take much.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

#18 Aug 9, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>While I would not recommend the go hounding the sister for a gift or a reason, are you honestly saying you would not feel slighted if your sister got you NOTHING for your wedding but got your brother something substantial? Its not even a matter of one getting a better gift than the other. Its no effort/nothing vs effort and something nice. I can't imagine this would not bother you at least privately.
I don't know. I don't really get presents from my siblings. I also didn't keep score regarding wedding gifts. Aside from dinner ("rehearsal") from my parents and a second reception partially funded by my in-laws, the most valuable present we got was probably dishes or something.

Maybe my feelings would be hurt a little, dunno. BUT this is person is looking for resolution to a problem she perceives based on gifts she expected. That's what makes me sick. I don't judge my relationships based on the gifts I get or don't get.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#19 Aug 9, 2012
L1: I want to hear the joke.

L2: What *isn't* this LW telling us?

L3: No, Amy, you're wrong. cycle is right.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#20 Aug 9, 2012
LW1: What itser and Red said.

LW2: You can be hurt all you want but you should not confront your SIL about this. It's up to your husband to talk to his sister and I'm surprised it didn't happen right after *your* wedding if they are as close as you say.

LW3: <sigh>

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