Abby 8-4

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“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Aug 4, 2012
 
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl who accidentally left my diary on the counter and my mother read it. When she told me, I was disappointed and hurt. To me, a diary is a place I can escape to and feel comfortable just being me. She now knows I struggle with depression and have done things I'm not proud of. I was angry and expected an apology because it was a violation of my privacy.

She claims she had the right to read it because I left it on the counter, and if I didn't want her to see it, I shouldn't have left it there. Regardless of where my diary was, I don't feel she had the right to go through it because it's not hers.

I told her I want an apology and I am willing to rebuild that trust. My mom said there is no reason to rebuild it or to apologize, and she did nothing wrong. Am I wrong for wanting an apology and a better explanation for why she did it?-- DISAPPOINTED DAUGHTER

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Your mother read your diary because it was out in the open and she was curious. Does she owe you an apology? Perhaps. However, if her level of communication with you is so poor that you live under the same roof and she hasn't noticed your struggle with depression -- whether situational or chronic -- and offered to help you find help for it, then what happened may have been a blessing. What you need with her is a closer relationship, not a combative one. Her job as a parent is to help you, and that includes teaching you to make the right choices.

DEAR ABBY: A bridal tea is being held for my niece soon. The invitation says, "Hats and dresses, please." I was also told verbally by the mother of the bride (my sister) that they want everyone attending to wear hats. I told her I'm very uncomfortable wearing a hat, but would put flowers in my hair to "jazz it up" a bit.

Last night, my brother-in-law called asking what I was wearing to the tea. My first reaction was that he was joking -- so I asked if he thought that it was even worth a conversation. He said if I don't wear a dress and hat, to not bother coming. I was so shocked that I said OK and hung up.

I am very sad that I would not be welcomed without the hat -- something so superficial. If appearances are more important than having me there, then I really don't want to attend. I would, however, send a note and gift and also attend the regular shower being planned if invited. I don't want to alienate the family.

How do you think I should handle this? I am lost for words -- although you wouldn't know it by my rambling on. Thanks for your advice.-- RAMBLING AUNTIE

DEAR RAMBLING AUNTIE: Obviously, your sister and her daughter are more concerned with the fantasy of how things will look at this tea than the feelings of those who will attend. People like that are easily offended/alienated and carry grudges.

Because you don't want to cause a rift, buy a cheap hat and go to the tea. While sending a note and gift in lieu of attending is more than what most people would do under the circumstances -- and I don't blame you for considering it -- to keep peace in the family, put in an appearance.

P.S. With relatives like this, you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My husband thinks I'm addicted to your column. What should I do?-- "AB"DICTED TO YOU

DEAR "AB"DICTED: While I wouldn't ordinarily encourage any kind of addiction, I'm making an exception in your case. Continue reading my column and encourage your husband to read occasional letters until he becomes "Ab"-co-dependent. When it comes to enlarging my readership, the more the merrier!

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Aug 4, 2012
 
1- I don't blame your mother for reading your diary, but maybe she shouldn't have told you about it.

2- You lost me at bridal tea.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#3
Aug 4, 2012
 

Judged:

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L1: Depressed girl stuff...don't care.

L2: "Buy a cheap hat"? What? That's the stupidest advice yet. Why would you buckle under to this group of nutjobs?

Since: Jan 10

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#4
Aug 4, 2012
 

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L1: What if she thought you left it out on purpose, so she would read it and discover something about you that you're unable to bring up in conversation? I'm on mom's side here. Why did your diary even leave the confines of your bedroom? Learn from this.

L2: NO, do NOT buy the hat and go. This is one bride and mommy who need to hear that not everyone else loves a stupid dog and pony show. Or go and wear a baseball cap. Your sister and her family are jerks.

And your brother-in-law is no man. No self-respecting man would make that phone call on behalf of his wife/daughter unless he turned in his cajones years ago.

Since: Nov 10

Herndon, VA

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#5
Aug 4, 2012
 
L2- I bet they want the tea to be like the royal wedding last year where everyone wore hats. I agree they are more concerned with appearance. At least the LW isn't a bridesmaid.

I agree with the idea of wearing a baseball or other non-fancy hat.
dahgts

Chicago, IL

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#6
Aug 4, 2012
 

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Renee J wrote:
L2- I bet they want the tea to be like the royal wedding last year where everyone wore hats. I agree they are more concerned with appearance. At least the LW isn't a bridesmaid.
I agree with the idea of wearing a baseball or other non-fancy hat.
She should try to find the beanies with the helicopter blades on top.. that would work. Bet she wouldn't make it into the pictures.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#7
Aug 4, 2012
 
LW2 - I'm officially and royally pi$$ed off after reading this letter. Who does the sister, BIL and niece think they are? I have news - they are not the royal family, the niece is not Kate. Do not buy a hat. The baseball cap idea might get the point across of how stupid this family is. Are they setting up canopies and portapotties outside their trailer or what! Get out the Chinette plates and paper nappies! Arghh....

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#8
Aug 4, 2012
 
L1: Eek! I agree with the Dog. Mom should not have told her she read it. She could have used the information to help her daughter. Anyone who has kids, or who has lived through the teenager years (everybody) has got to know how vulnerable you are at that age.

L2: What? Buy a cheap hat? I would have told the idiot on the phone that you would be dressed to the nines and put the flowers in your hair as you planned. Either that or (and this is what I would have done) bought the most obnoxious hat I could find and wear it.

L3: Kudos for Abby for not denying she's trolling for readers.

Since: Feb 10

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#9
Aug 4, 2012
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: What if she thought you left it out on purpose, so she would read it and discover something about you that you're unable to bring up in conversation? I'm on mom's side here. Why did your diary even leave the confines of your bedroom? Learn from this.
L2: NO, do NOT buy the hat and go. This is one bride and mommy who need to hear that not everyone else loves a stupid dog and pony show. Or go and wear a baseball cap. Your sister and her family are jerks.
And your brother-in-law is no man. No self-respecting man would make that phone call on behalf of his wife/daughter unless he turned in his cajones years ago.
1) Thanks for saving me the hassle of typing.
2) Sounds like a good time to just cut them loose. BIL called, so I'm guessing that sis and niece have been storming around the house, ranting and raving about how lw is going to "ruin" everything. I would just excuse myself from the whole whack-a-doodle extravaganza...why not? she'll be doing it all again in a few years when this marriage has fallen apart and she finds a new sucker. LW can play dress-up with them then if she wants.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#10
Aug 4, 2012
 

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Ease up group. The bridal tea (tea???) is like a costume party.They are playing (emphasis on playing) dress up. That is part of the schtick. Most people take it as fun. The last time I was invited to one, I went to the thrift shop got a hat and white gloves all for under $10.I think the gloves cost more than the hat if I remember correctly.
Also, in the lexicon, teas and luncheons doe not require gifts . A shower is when you bring a gift.(I would check with other invitees on this, but the invitation should give some indication).

The LW could take her flowers and pin them on a headband and call it a fascinator which is what Kate Middleton wears alot

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#11
Aug 4, 2012
 
16 year olds don't have good relations with mom. Abby is silly to think that is possible esepcially with this dynamic.Part of being an adolescent /teeenager is rebelling and differentiating from the parents. It will be much more effective if Mom finds another stable reliable female relative who can be surrogate mom for a couple years. That way the real mom knows teh girl has a mature adult in her life who she will listen to.

My sister took this role for my girls when they hit these years. It worked well. Everyone came out with a whole skin, only moderately damaged psyche. My girls an I and my sister get along well now, mostly

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#12
Aug 4, 2012
 
1: Mom should have kept her mouth shut. <shrug> Chris didn't keep a diary/journal, but he had people who he talked to and they would tell me stuff I needed to know. I however was on the ball enough to NOT tell him that I had informants.

2: I think the "tea" is silly and would likely absent myself from this kind of stuff *anyway* but I think LW is is just being stubborn. If you think it's dumb, don't go, but don't make a whole big family drama out of it. Just decline. That was easy.

To clarify, I wouldn't have minded doing the hat thing so there would never have been an issue if I'd chosen to go, but considering that LW is taking the "I will not be forced into wearing a hat for a couple of hours no matter what" hard line stance, and since it's already caused family friction, she should just stay away.

3: STFU.

Since: Feb 10

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#13
Aug 4, 2012
 
Mimi Seattle wrote:
2: I think the "tea" is silly and would likely absent myself from this kind of stuff *anyway* but I think LW is is just being stubborn. If you think it's dumb, don't go, but don't make a whole big family drama out of it. Just decline. That was easy.
To clarify, I wouldn't have minded doing the hat thing so there would never have been an issue if I'd chosen to go, but considering that LW is taking the "I will not be forced into wearing a hat for a couple of hours no matter what" hard line stance, and since it's already caused family friction, she should just stay away.
Yeah, I think she's being stubborn too, and I'm sure I would have gone along with it and worn the hat (I like hats though) but once the BIL got involved and called, I would have been done with the whole thing.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#14
Aug 4, 2012
 
1 Next time get a gag diary that has either a rubber snake or the sproingy snake.

2 With the dog/pelly/mimi. Not sure what the heck it is, but sounds like the playing tea time little girls do. If you cant get into the spirit of it, just stay away.

3 Of course your addicted, we all are. 40 flipping years I been reading this crud.
Cass

Claremont, CA

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#15
Aug 4, 2012
 
LW1 - You subconsciously wanted your mom to read your diary. All girls who keep one do. Of course, you are still angry. That's normal too. Yes, your mom owes you an apology. And you owe her to talk to her about stuff that is bothering you.

LW2 - Wear a beanie. Or a baseball cap. Or if you think this is going to cause a family rift (yep, it will), and you don't want to cause one, don't go.

LW3 - Yep. Me too.

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