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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jun 5, 2014
 
DEAR AMY: Perhaps you can shed some light on the perplexing behavior I am witnessing among my group of friends.

We are all in our mid-20s. Within the past two years almost everyone in our group has gotten engaged and/or married (some getting engaged as little as three months into their relationship).

Although I am very happy for my friends, I'm disappointed in their competitive behavior. From the moment the first couple announced their engagement, others became jealous. Everything from the size of the ring to who could throw the better wedding and who could buy a house first became very important to all my friends. They can't seem to be genuinely happy for one another.

I have stayed out of this frenzy. I find it childish and ridiculous. However, frequent comments about why my boyfriend and I haven't gotten engaged yet -- as well as how I must feel "left out" or "behind" -- have really gotten to me.

We are happy with our relationship and enjoy living with each other. Is this common or healthy behavior for this age group? What's the rush?-- Perplexed

DEAR PERPLEXED: The cynic in me says you are witnessing the rush to get that first marriage out of the way. The need to marry among your friends provides the plot for everything from Edith Wharton novels to "How I Met Your Mother."

I think the heated competition occurs when people exit the cozy confines of college and face the gaping maw of "What's Next?"

Modern weddings are festivals of theme parties, showers and gifts -- with the couple at the center. It's exciting. It feels grown-up. And it is a socially acceptable way to plunge yourself into debt, ask your folks for money and basically behave like you are still at the center of everything.

Some couples have an existential meltdown once the wedding is over. And so they transfer their social anxiety and competitive impulses into locking down that first baby.

Don't play this game. Take your own life at your own pace.

DEAR AMY: My 11-year-old granddaughter lives with her father and stepmom. My daughter (her mom) has had many ups and downs. She loves her daughter dearly, but she tends to move and change jobs (and men) quite often.

The three adults co-parent well, but two years ago my daughter moved a long distance away, making it difficult to have regular visits.

This is very hard for the child. There is a lot of tension between the three parents, and I know my granddaughter is torn. While she seems happy for the most part, I can't help but think it is having an effect on her.

My daughter and I both feel strongly that she needs to see a family therapist on a regular basis to verbalize and deal with her mixed emotions.

Her father and stepmom don't want to make the effort; they think she is fine. They have taken her a couple times, but something always tends to sidetrack it.

I am caught in the middle and would appreciate your advice.-- Concerned Grandma

DEAR CONCERNED: The way you describe things, your daughter's behavior is the most problematic. I agree that any adolescent caught in this bind would benefit from talking to a professional, but if your daughter were more stable (and chose to live closer to her child, for instance) this would help the child more than therapy.

If your daughter committed to ongoing therapy, maybe it would inspire her ex and his wife to also seek therapy for their child.

DEAR AMY: I take exception to your comment to "Been There." You mention that a gay man being in a straight marriage was an "extreme breach."

This assumes that the man went into the marriage fully aware that he was gay and trying to fool his wife. It's not that easy. Sometimes it takes a person years to self-actualize while society says "it's wrong."

He was not living a lie all those years, but probably was not sure and trying to be "straight."

I have many friends in the same situation.-- Michael

DEAR MICHAEL: I see your point. Thank you.
Blunt Advice

Oakland, NJ

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#3
Jun 5, 2014
 

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1. What Amy said. Stay out of this competitive bs and live your own life.
2. Your daughter, although the egg donor is not the mom. The step mom who is raising her is. You can still be the grandma without your daughter being in the picture. If your granddaughter is well cared for in a good environment, then seeing her bio mother when she is in town will have to suffice.
3. Agree but don't want to have to rehash this repeatedly.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#4
Jun 5, 2014
 

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1 Teen angst carried forward. Oh, and nice way to bash todays weddings. Jealous much?

2 Tell her she can always talk to you.

3 NO, this implies the person "Turned" gay which is impossible. A person is either born gay or not. Environment and lifestyle has no bearing on this, so if a person marries and later comes out as gay, they did indeed deceive their partner. You even said it yourself!

He was not living a lie all those years, but probably was not sure and trying to be "straight."

Not sure?? Then don't get married till you are sure.

Trying to be straight?? Impossible! Gay is gay, and if you are only "Trying" to be straight, you have no business wedding a person of the opposite sex.

Quit coddling the person, make them manup!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#5
Jun 5, 2014
 
3- you have "many" friends in this situation? What kind of circles do you run with?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#6
Jun 5, 2014
 
RACE wrote:
3 NO, this implies the person "Turned" gay which is impossible. A person is either born gay or not. Environment and lifestyle has no bearing on this, so if a person marries and later comes out as gay, they did indeed deceive their partner. You even said it yourself!
He was not living a lie all those years, but probably was not sure and trying to be "straight."
Not sure?? Then don't get married till you are sure.
Trying to be straight?? Impossible! Gay is gay, and if you are only "Trying" to be straight, you have no business wedding a person of the opposite sex.
SOME people might be "borne" gay, most are not.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#7
Jun 5, 2014
 

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Lw2: So you think you know better than the full time parents who are raising the child? What behavior have you witnessed that leads you to think the child needs counseling? The child is torn? For all you know, the child has already come to terms with the fact that mom is a flake and is doing fine in the stable environment she lives in. You are just afraid that she will have less and less space in her life for mom as the years go by if she is not constantly talking about it. Well tfb. That's the bed mom made.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#8
Jun 5, 2014
 

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L1: It's not so perplexing. People generally want to be included in things. When you're immature, you have a hard time differentiating between being part of the group and what's important for the rest of your life. It's called peer pressure.

L2: The bio mom should go to counseling but she probably won't b/c she would have gone already. The grandmother has control over what she herself does. If she's concerned about her granddaughter's relationship then she should move closer to her granddaughter or go for an extended visit.

L3: I'm more interested in Edog's thinking. So, Edog, are people borne asexual or heterosexual?

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

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#9
Jun 5, 2014
 
L1: "Is this common or healthy behavior for this age group?" Common - I don't know. Healthy - definitely not. Kudos for staying out of the game. I suggest a new circle of friends.

L2: Combo of what BA & Tonka said.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#10
Jun 5, 2014
 

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I'm not sure if this is an Oxymoron or a cry for help....
Toj wrote:
L3: I'm more interested in Edog's thinking.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#11
Jun 5, 2014
 

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1. Grow up and realize the more sure you and your bf are about a life together, the more likely your marriage will survive.

2. Your daughter gave birth but is by no means a mother.

3. I have 3 people in my life who married and later realized they were gay and divorced. Not as rare as you'd think.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#12
Jun 5, 2014
 
RACE wrote:
I'm not sure if this is an Oxymoron or a cry for help....
<quoted text>
An observation that our Topix page needs a little life.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#13
Jun 5, 2014
 

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Toj wrote:
L3: I'm more interested in Edog's thinking. So, Edog, are people borne asexual or heterosexual?
Everyone is born asexual, sexuality doesn't develop until maturity, for some, it may not develop at all. Most everyone is born heterosexual, there are a few exceptions and I've said as much, but every gay person was not born that way. They're either conditioned that way, or it's simply a choice

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#14
Jun 6, 2014
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>Everyone is born asexual, sexuality doesn't develop until maturity, for some, it may not develop at all. Most everyone is born heterosexual, there are a few exceptions and I've said as much, but every gay person was not born that way. They're either conditioned that way, or it's simply a choice
Every single one of the dozens of gay people I know all state they knew they weren't straight in the primary grades. Conditioned? You are a grade-a bullshitter.

Since: Feb 08

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#15
Jun 6, 2014
 
Saluki Rod wrote:
<quoted text>
Every single one of the dozens of gay people I know all state they knew they weren't straight in the primary grades. Conditioned? You are a grade-a bullshitter.
He hasn't a clue what he's talking about, but that never stops him from the delusions that he's some sort of expert.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#16
Jun 6, 2014
 
edogxxx wrote:

Everyone is born asexual, sexuality doesn't develop until maturity
edogxxx wrote:
Most everyone is born heterosexual
Huh? Thanks. Save us the legwork by contradicting yourself in the same post.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#17
Jun 6, 2014
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
<quoted text>
Huh? Thanks. Save us the legwork by contradicting yourself in the same post.
Sometimes I forget I'm trying to pour a gallon of knowledge into a shot-glass brain. How many sexual two year olds do you know?

I'm talking about "predispositioned." Talking your argument at face value, NO ONE can possibly be born gay, and no one can be born straight, so my argument would be right anyway. Some, very few some, might be "predispositioned" to be gay, but that's not the case for most homosexuals.

Studies have shown that most homosexuals were molested by a member of their own sex at a young age, before their sexuality came into play, so how can you say for certainty they were "born" that way? Others, come from broken homes, also at a very young age. I'm no psychologist, but play this out: Lil Sally sees daddy up and leave the family... Daddies usually being the yardstick women measure men, Lil Sally learns to hate men as she grows up. Sally is now a lesbian. See?

I will never be able to wrap my head around someone who is married for twenty years, has a few kids, then wakes up one day and decides they're gay, and agree they were born that way. Nope.

Since: Feb 08

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#18
Jun 6, 2014
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Sometimes I forget I'm trying to pour a gallon of knowledge into a shot-glass brain. How many sexual two year olds do you know?
I'm talking about "predispositioned." Talking your argument at face value, NO ONE can possibly be born gay, and no one can be born straight, so my argument would be right anyway. Some, very few some, might be "predispositioned" to be gay, but that's not the case for most homosexuals.
Studies have shown that most homosexuals were molested by a member of their own sex at a young age, before their sexuality came into play, so how can you say for certainty they were "born" that way? Others, come from broken homes, also at a very young age. I'm no psychologist, but play this out: Lil Sally sees daddy up and leave the family... Daddies usually being the yardstick women measure men, Lil Sally learns to hate men as she grows up. Sally is now a lesbian. See?
I will never be able to wrap my head around someone who is married for twenty years, has a few kids, then wakes up one day and decides they're gay, and agree they were born that way. Nope.
Nope, your post is all bullshite. All you've done is repeat a bunch of lies you've heard and want to be true so you can feel better about your bigotry and hate.
You don't have a CLUE.
How many children have YOU raised?
How many years have you been married?
That's right, NONE.
The same amount of knowledge you have on this and most things you think you know about.
FOADIAF, You are wasting oxygen and space that could be better used by a colony of slugs.
Oh wait, I forgot. You're TSTI.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#19
Jun 6, 2014
 
NWmoon wrote:
All you've done is repeat a bunch of lies you've heard and want to be true so you can feel better about your bigotry and hate.
Since when have I shown any bigotry or hate? Who's the one repeating a bunch of lies?

Since: Feb 08

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#20
Jun 6, 2014
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Since when have I shown any bigotry or hate? Who's the one repeating a bunch of lies?
All the time.Got any REAL Information? No, you don't.
You are repeating lies. ALL that crap about molestation and absent fathers is just that, lies and misinformation.

Your posting them IS a show of hate and bigotry, along with stupidity and ignorance.
Are you married?? Since when? If you are then you've been lying about that for years.
Raised any children? Since when? How many? How old are they, and why have you lied about them?
You are worthless and a waste of space.
Julie

Skokie, IL

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#21
Jun 6, 2014
 
Of all the crap you have spewed here over the years, Dog, this takes the cake. You are, without doubt, the most ignorant person I have ever encountered, both IRL and online. Congratulations.

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