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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Oct 10, 2013
DEAR AMY: Our daughter (the youngest of our four children) is deeply in debt. She owes $20,000 in school loans and accumulated another $20,000 in credit card debts after the break-up of her marriage.

She and her son have lived with us (rent free) twice so we could help her get her life and finances in order. My husband paid off the credit card debts using our home equity line of credit with the understanding that she would repay us at the rate of $400 a month.

She has been irregular in repaying us. She recently married a man she met just a few months ago and quit her job to become a full-time homemaker. Since that time we have received two “hot” checks for the debt. We covered these bad checks as a wedding gift.

My husband is now considering canceling the debt and discussing this as a portion of her “inheritance.” We barely have anything besides our home and Social Security to live on as we reach retirement (we are both 61).

This has totally enraged me. She has not finished her education and has not even begun to pay back her school loans. I believe her debt to us is a debt of honor and should be repaid.

My husband often comments about how broke we are — and now he wants to forgive this debt? I resent them both. Your advice?-- Disgusted

DEAR DISGUSTED: This problem starts with your husband. He is enabling your daughter to the extent that the two of you will pay the consequences — possibly for years — while she is actually rewarded for being irresponsible. Your husband has no right to mortgage your future for an expenditure you don’t agree to.

You should seek professional financial and marriage counseling to resolve this. Realistically, your daughter will not repay you on a schedule, but I agree with you that she should. Unless you are prepared to sue or have her charged with writing bad checks, however, you may have to write this off as a very expensive lesson. Every time she is rescued, it impedes and delays her own growth.

DEAR AMY: I am a college student and live in a suite with several other people.

One of the guys living in our suite Skypes with his long-distance girlfriend every night, frequently in the common room (where most of us study) and he never wears headphones.

His girlfriend seems to be having personal problems, and so she frequently cries and talks openly about the issues she’s having — and of course we can hear both sides of the conversation.

While I sympathize with her, it feels pretty awkward for us to be sitting around studying while one person is having a serious, personal conversation right next to us (I’m not sure that she’s aware that we can all hear her).

Another mate of ours tried talking to him about the problem and he got pretty upset about it. I don’t want him to feel ganged up on, but I’d like to find a solution. Any ideas about a better way to approach him?-- Concerned Suitemate

DEAR CONCERNED: I think it’s possible you care too deeply about your suitemate’s reaction to a reasonable request, but maybe it will be palatable if you phrase this passively — the way my mother used to when she wanted to make me do the dishes:“Jim, could you do me a favor? Do you think it would be okay if you Skyped in your room? It’s awkward hearing your private stuff out here in the common area.”

If you make it all about you, he may not realize it’s really all about him and get defensive.

DEAR AMY: Responding to the letter from “Frustrated Mom,” the “sandwich generation” mom who wanted some alone time with her husband, this couple needs to plan ahead to reconnect. They need to get their sexy back.

They should try dancing outside their car to music they have fond memories of. Add bread and a bottle of wine! That’s what my parents did when my grandmother lived in our crowded house.-- Jeanne

DEAR JEANNE: This is a great idea. Thank you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Oct 10, 2013
1 Your daughter understands nothing. Well, let me rephrase that to she understands that you will bail her lazyass out of her problems. She's the youngest and I am sure you have done it her whole life.

2 Crickey Mate! Tell that bloke to keep is sobbing girlfriend in his own room, or take it in the Loo.

3 Thats also how you were conceived. Whats it like to know that you were the result of a drunken back seat screw in a Studebaker?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Brooklyn, NY

#3 Oct 10, 2013
1- This is a parenting failure. Not sure what you can do about it now.

2- Heh, what race said.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Oct 10, 2013
RACE wrote:
3 Thats also how you were conceived. Whats it like to know that you were the result of a drunken back seat screw in a Studebaker?
A 1949 dark blue Chevy here. It's been family lore for years. I remember the car from when I was a little kid. Don't know about the drunk part though.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#5 Oct 10, 2013
Pellen - I don't think I would have wanted to know that if I were you!!!

All I know was that I was an accident and that my mother said "Better his be a tumor than me be pregnant". And that I was the ugliest baby anyone ever saw. Unfortuately, many others agreed with the latter opinion.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Oct 10, 2013
L1: Amy put it on the dad but I think all three of them are messed up. They're not going to get the money back so quit lending it. Whatever you have left, spend it all -- mortgage the house to high heaven and leave them nothing but the memory of your smiles.

L2: II have no idea why the LW is so concerned about that guy's feelings. He's the one being rude. I'd just tell him.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Oct 10, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>A 1949 dark blue Chevy here. It's been family lore for years. I remember the car from when I was a little kid. Don't know about the drunk part though.
I think this is hilarious, especially that they told you.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Oct 10, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
Pellen - I don't think I would have wanted to know that if I were you!!!
All I know was that I was an accident and that my mother said "Better his be a tumor than me be pregnant". And that I was the ugliest baby anyone ever saw. Unfortuately, many others agreed with the latter opinion.
I'd rather have PEllen's story than yours. That's horrible that people said that.

But you know, you are a beautiful woman!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Oct 10, 2013
LW1: Seeing as how your husband loves to reward poor decision making, I bet almost anything he's a democrat.

Good luck getting your $$ back. You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip.

LW2: Tell him to take his private conversation private and that no one wants to listen to talk on the phone while they are studying. He’s being rude. If he gets upset, that’s on him.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Oct 10, 2013
LW1: I think you're going to have to come to the realization that you're never going to see all the money. But your bigger problem is the resentment you feel towards your husband about this. I'm not sure what advice to give you about that, but you will become a miserable old lady if you don't deal with it right now.

LW2: I don't know that only hearing one side of the conversation would be any less annoying. Why don't you try wearing headphones or vacating the room when this starts up. I'd think that he'd get the point if he starts up the skype and everybody gets up and leaves.

LW3: How romantic...just like that scene in "Witness."

They didn't tell you about f*cking in the backseat, I'm guessing.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Oct 10, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
Pellen - I don't think I would have wanted to know that if I were you!!!
All I know was that I was an accident and that my mother said "Better his be a tumor than me be pregnant". And that I was the ugliest baby anyone ever saw. Unfortuately, many others agreed with the latter opinion.
I feel your pain, Stina. My maternal grandma took one look at me and said "she's not a very pretty baby, is she?" But then she was a little jaded; my mom (her firstborn) was reportedly so beautiful, people would cross the street to come look at her in the pram.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#12 Oct 10, 2013
She is smoking hot! I wish she would fall for me!
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>

But you know, you are a beautiful woman!

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#13 Oct 10, 2013
L1: <facepalm>

L2: You're too dumb for college if you can't figure out how to talk to your roommate.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#14 Oct 10, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
Pellen - I don't think I would have wanted to know that if I were you!!!
All I know was that I was an accident and that my mother said "Better his be a tumor than me be pregnant". And that I was the ugliest baby anyone ever saw. Unfortuately, many others agreed with the latter opinion.
Ouch! My mom was really upset about being pregnant with me, but I don't think she went so far as to hope I was a tumor.
She loved me though. Did your mom get past her ... disappointment?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Oct 10, 2013
itser wrote:
<quoted text>
Ouch! My mom was really upset about being pregnant with me, but I don't think she went so far as to hope I was a tumor.
She loved me though. Did your mom get past her ... disappointment?
My mom was balling at the Dr. office when it was confirmed. I was the last of 5.

I was a darn cute baby, tho. My bro was one ugly baby. My brother and I used to tease him about his one baby picture. We referred to it as the alien baby picture.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#16 Oct 10, 2013
LW1: parenting fail on so many levels. There are no consequences to your daughter's actions, so of course she is going to continue acting irresponsibly. Your husband could not have taken a home equity loan out without your signature, so you both made this mess. I bet you are still giving her Christmas and birthday presents, too. Consider the credit card payoff a bad investment and cut your losses. Then, never give her another dime.

Inheritance? The best inheritance you can give is the ability to be self-reliant.

LW: it seems that you have a set study time, so why don't you all agree to no skyping in the common room during study time?
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#17 Oct 10, 2013
Stina's parents were unworthy to keep or raise her
if they chose to say what she said in post #5.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#18 Oct 10, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I'd rather have PEllen's story than yours. That's horrible that people said that.
But you know, you are a beautiful woman!
Thanks!:) But I really WAS an ugly baby! Of course, my mom said she wouldn't have told me that if I didn't turn out beautiful, so I forgive her.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#19 Oct 10, 2013
itser wrote:
<quoted text>
Ouch! My mom was really upset about being pregnant with me, but I don't think she went so far as to hope I was a tumor.
She loved me though. Did your mom get past her ... disappointment?
Oh, she did! And I am the favorite child (of course)! I am the only girl, so I had that going for me! Acutally my mom and I are very close.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#20 Oct 10, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
LW: it seems that you have a set study time, so why don't you all agree to no skyping in the common room during study time?
That would involve levels of common sense and communication that these roommates are apparently incapable of.

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