Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#61 Nov 1, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: I don’t know why you agreed to marry that woman all those years ago if you were not going to be a father figure to the boy and treat him as one of your own.
Exactly! I wonder if his favoritism of the other two is why his relationship with the eldest was distant. I don't think that telling his widow that her husband was not LW's bio son is going to improve the situation, but then, he doesn't sound like he wants to have anything to do with them. She would know why he's behaved so badly, but then she would think, "What a petty, spiteful, and mean person he is to act out his resentment on an innocent child." I would have told him to get into therapy and accept the grandchildren into his life. Dragging the skeletons out of the closet solves nothing.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#62 Nov 1, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> I need to start pushing to get that room cleaned out of kid's toys and back into the Man Room.
The problem is ... you clean it out, and six weeks later you look around at all the toys which have crept back and wonder why you bothered.

I've forced all the toys upstairs and into the basement many times. Right now, Lego Hogwarts castle is sitting in the middle of the family room, surrounded by plastic models of knights, flaming dragons, and cannons. There's some sort of medieval war going on. Apparently it also involves the Vikings.
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#63 Nov 1, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
My head hurts -- you're confusing me.
What are nice clothes, then? Dockers?
It doesn't matter what Mutt thinks. He creates his own reality to suit (no pun intended) his own needs>

Here are the general guidelines per GQ, as relevant a source as any for this topic:

Today, "formal" generally means tuxedo; whereas, "semi-formal" means a dark suit, according to GQ. A semi-formal outfit is composed of a dark suit, crisp dress shirt and conservative tie. Also, for any well-meaning occasion, it's appropriate to slip into shined and polished dress shoes.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#64 Nov 1, 2012
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
The problem is ... you clean it out, and six weeks later you look around at all the toys which have crept back and wonder why you bothered.
No, its not that they drag toys INTO there. Its that we purposely put toy bins in that room and made it into a toy room cause it was more convenient for their toys to be close to the living room while they were too young to go play alone in their room while we were downstairs in the living room. That is no longer a concern. So there is no longer any real reason for that room to be the toy room.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#65 Nov 1, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Really? Formal is white tails and semi-formal is black tux?
I always thought white tails were worn in "White Tie" events and black tuxedos for all other formal events.
Semi-formal to me is a suit and tie.
Someone at the WaPo copied and pasted the rules/guidelines.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#66 Nov 1, 2012
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
Exactly! I wonder if his favoritism of the other two is why his relationship with the eldest was distant. I don't think that telling his widow that her husband was not LW's bio son is going to improve the situation, but then, he doesn't sound like he wants to have anything to do with them. She would know why he's behaved so badly, but then she would think, "What a petty, spiteful, and mean person he is to act out his resentment on an innocent child." I would have told him to get into therapy and accept the grandchildren into his life. Dragging the skeletons out of the closet solves nothing.
He sounds very emotionally distant. What a sad life.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#67 Nov 1, 2012
LW2: Seriously? Don't quote me, but I believe that semi-formal for women means either street length gown or full-length gown. Anyway, go to a consignment store, Ross, TJ Maxx, or Marshalls. I bought a gorgeous crepe and chiffon dress at Ross to wear to a wedding a couple of years ago. It cost $25. If LW can't find appropriate men's clothing there, he can rent a tux. My co-worker even rented her wedding dress. Check around before you decide not to go.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#68 Nov 1, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
He sounds very emotionally distant. What a sad life.
I know, very sad. I wish for him the kind of old-movie ending where he has an epiphany and turns into his best self; a kind loving grandfather adored by his grandchildren.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#69 Nov 1, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
He sounds very emotionally distant. What a sad life.
You sound like Amy. Judging his life in general based on limited information about one relationship. You have no idea what any of the other relationships in his life are like.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#70 Nov 1, 2012
Kuuipo wrote:
go to a consignment store, Ross, TJ Maxx, or Marshalls...If LW can't find appropriate men's clothing there, he can rent a tux.
In my experience, this is more a female thing than somethimg men do. Men do not typically go out and buy outfits just for an upcoming event. And like Red said about Nick, rent a tux? For a wedding your not actually in? Maybe if it was someone I was real close to. Like if my sister asked me to. But a co-worker's kid? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#71 Nov 1, 2012
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
I know, very sad. I wish for him the kind of old-movie ending where he has an epiphany and turns into his best self; a kind loving grandfather adored by his grandchildren.
Like the ending of a christmas carol, lol.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#72 Nov 1, 2012
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
Exactly! I wonder if his favoritism of the other two is why his relationship with the eldest was distant. I don't think that telling his widow that her husband was not LW's bio son is going to improve the situation, but then, he doesn't sound like he wants to have anything to do with them. She would know why he's behaved so badly, but then she would think, "What a petty, spiteful, and mean person he is to act out his resentment on an innocent child." I would have told him to get into therapy and accept the grandchildren into his life. Dragging the skeletons out of the closet solves nothing.
From the letter:

"This son was married and had a family, but they didn't include me in many family events."

From this statement, it seems like it was the other way around. But it also could be a chicken and egg dilemma. Did the LW treat the kid differently when he was young or did the kid pull away from the LW after a perfectly normal growing up? <mimishrug>

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#73 Nov 1, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>You sound like Amy. Judging his life in general based on limited information about one relationship. You have no idea what any of the other relationships in his life are like.
Joan Crawford would agree.

I don’t need to know what every relationship in his life was like to know that:

It’s highly abnormal for a son to cut a father out of his life.

It’s highly abnormal for a man who raised a child from a young age to feel no connection to him or his children.

It’s very strange that he said he divorced his wife after “15 years” despite having a “nice life.”
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#74 Nov 1, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>No, its not that they drag toys INTO there. Its that we purposely put toy bins in that room and made it into a toy room cause it was more convenient for their toys to be close to the living room while they were too young to go play alone in their room while we were downstairs in the living room. That is no longer a concern. So there is no longer any real reason for that room to be the toy room.
I intentionally exiled the toy bins + toys from the family room into the basement/bedroom about a year ago. All that has really resulted in is that there are now no bins to throw stuff into when a quick cleanup is required.

It just keeps finding its way back. I'm just warning you--they are used to that room being a play and family room. They will continue to try to make it so.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#75 Nov 1, 2012
Like last weekend ... the kid asked me if he could watch a dvred dinosaur train episode at about 7:30am on Saturday. I mumbled yes and went back to sleep. When I went down at about 8:30am, I found the kid AND every stuffed animal formerly located in his bedroom watching dinosaur train.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#76 Nov 1, 2012
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
From the letter:
"This son was married and had a family, but they didn't include me in many family events."
From this statement, it seems like it was the other way around. But it also could be a chicken and egg dilemma. Did the LW treat the kid differently when he was young or did the kid pull away from the LW after a perfectly normal growing up? <mimishrug>
Wouldn't you be proactive if that was your child? Wouldn't you say, but son I love you and care for you and want to be in your life? I wouldn't be so hands off about it if one of my children wanted nothing to do with me. Showing love is never a bad thing, especially when it is your children.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#77 Nov 1, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
It’s highly abnormal for a son to cut a father out of his life.
Agreed
Sublime1 wrote:
It’s highly abnormal for a man who raised a child from a young age to feel no connection to him or his children.
Agreed
Sublime1 wrote:
It’s very strange that he said he divorced his wife after “15 years” despite having a “nice life.”
I don't think its that strange. Just cause things didn't work out does not mean they were not living a nice life.

That being said, this is still just one relationship. Just because he did not have the type of relationship you would expect between a father an son does not mean the rest of his relationships were crap. Or can one have a great non-sad life by all other accounts, but because he is estranged from his son, everything else is negated and defined by that one relationship and therefore, sad?
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#78 Nov 1, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Wouldn't you be proactive if that was your child? Wouldn't you say, but son I love you and care for you and want to be in your life? I wouldn't be so hands off about it if one of my children wanted nothing to do with me. Showing love is never a bad thing, especially when it is your children.
They married 50 years ago, and divorced after 15 years. So, they divorced 35 years ago. If we take those numbers as exact, they married in 1962 and divorced in 1977.

For all we know, he was not a man who had much involvement with his children (whether the oldest or the rest) after the divorce, and his son's adult interactions with his father were simply a continuation of that. He might not have cared or wanted to be proactive.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#79 Nov 1, 2012
pde wrote:
Like last weekend ... the kid asked me if he could watch a dvred dinosaur train episode at about 7:30am on Saturday. I mumbled yes and went back to sleep. When I went down at about 8:30am, I found the kid AND every stuffed animal formerly located in his bedroom watching dinosaur train.
Hah! That's when you pause the show and tell him if he wants to watch the rest, all that crap needs to go back to his room.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#80 Nov 1, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Wouldn't you be proactive if that was your child? Wouldn't you say, but son I love you and care for you and want to be in your life? I wouldn't be so hands off about it if one of my children wanted nothing to do with me. Showing love is never a bad thing, especially when it is your children.
Yes, but this letter is not about me.

The LW divorced the mom when this kid was a teenager, who knows what happened during that time. But I could see the kid just being pissed at the LW because of that and the LW not really fighting that hard to keep a relationship with him.

I've seen that happen in cases where all the parents are biological ones.

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