First Prev
of 2
Next Last

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Apr 11, 2014
DEAR AMY: My partner of 25 years recently went through a period of binge drinking. I bailed him out of jail twice, but he drove under the influence again three days later (without a license) and is in jail for a felony.

Some of his colleagues have been told he is on personal or medical leave. His supervisors know and are very supportive.

I feel overwhelmed, lonely and depressed. On three occasions I have talked to very close friends of many years about my feelings. They each immediately told me I should break up with him. It has left me speechless and hurt. The thought of breaking up never entered my mind. Yes, he has lied to me, but only about alcohol. In every other respect -- financial, relational -- our level of trust and honesty is strong.

I thanked my friends for their advice, but it has created a strain in our friendships. They seem annoyed that I haven't terminated the relationship, and they have stopped communicating with me. I asked for their advice, and I thanked them when they offered it. But I didn't take it. I wouldn't walk out on my partner if he had cancer or a stroke. I'm not going to walk out on him because of this disease.

I need a support system of friends for the many months ahead. What now?-- Sad

DEAR SAD: Advice is tricky. As a professional advice-giver I have learned through experience that sometimes what people are really asking for when they ask for advice is just a supportive presence.

On the other hand is this simple truism: If three people you trust tell you the same thing, you should listen.

Please understand that your friends' perspectives on your long relationship might be very different from yours -- for instance, they might have seen this crisis coming down the pike (as you bailed him out of jail twice, for instance). Your situation can be heartbreaking and frustrating for others. The disease of alcoholism is different from cancer, in that the alcoholic does not suffer alone, but frequently creates circles upon circles of fellow sufferers, including friends, family members and innocent people who are killed by drunk drivers on the road.

I think you should acknowledge how tricky this is for your friends and ask if they are willing to maintain friendships with you, regardless of your current choice.

You should attend Al-anon meetings and also private counseling with an addiction specialist.

DEAR AMY: I work at a company that often has openings for new positions. Being a good friend (and admittedly, hoping to possibly get a referral reward) I always let my friends and acquaintances know when they are hiring.

Whenever I do, people will come right out and ask what the pay is. I can't say I blame them for asking but answering this question will also reveal to people what I make and, frankly, that is information I would rather not share with everyone.

Is it rude of my friends to ask this or am I just being a baby about it? I don't feel comfortable discussing my income with everyone I know. What's a good way to dodge this question without annoying people?-- Referrer

DEAR REFERRER: You are being a baby. Big time. "What is the pay?" is the first -- and for many people, the only -- important question when pondering whether to pursue a new job.

The way to answer is to say, "My understanding is that the range for this position is ..." Or tell them to inquire when they apply. What you shouldn't do is blame them for asking.

DEAR AMY: The letter from "Not Camera Ready" complained about the increased presence of filming at church ceremonies, including funerals.

I know it is easy to complain about this, but after a recent family funeral that I could not attend due to health reasons, I was comforted by being able to view the ceremony (and see friends and family members).-- Grateful for Cameras

DEAR GRATEFUL: I believe this is a compelling motivation behind filming funerals -- and I am completely behind it, as long as the camera operator is not intrusive.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#2 Apr 11, 2014
L1. I have been around enough alcoholics in my life to know that alcoholism is not a disease.
Alcoholism is a weakness and should be treated as such.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#3 Apr 11, 2014
1- Great for him that he has such a wonderful enabler

2- What's ruder is when people come right out and ask how much you make. I always just say "Not enough."

3- Gather around the casket everyone! Big smiles!

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#5 Apr 11, 2014
2: "The starting pay is..."

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Apr 11, 2014
LW1: I donít view alcoholism as being on the same level of cancer or a stroke. I just donít. Conscious immediate choices lead to one deciding to drink. You can't just decide you don't want cancer and don't want to have a stroke, no matter how hard you try.

And I also think itís a lot to expect other people to want to come along on this train wreck along with you. Go too AAA or something like that for your support, where you will find people who are in a similar situation.

LW2: I think itís a natural question to ask. Why would anyone go through the trouble of applying for a job if it is not going to pay enough for them to take it, even if they are offered it?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Apr 11, 2014
There are ways to be supportive of an alcoholic which do not enable the behavior but it is really tough to do.

There is a strong impulse to think "enough of this bs, I'll just do it myself."

This holds true whether it is picking someone up who is drunk instead of letting him either drive or figure out how he will pay for a cab, calling his work to say he won't be in ( reason? uh... he's not well), or just intercepting the bills when they come in and figuring out how to pay them because it is easier than fielding collection calls or having the gas turned off because the drunk didn't pay them.

It is also very hard to learn that only teh drunk has control over hs drinking and that there is not a damn thing you can do about it. It is equally tough to walk out on someone who is in a bad place.

Al-Anon preaches loving distance, but it is a contradiction to love someone and keep your distance. It takes a real strong person to do that and many people aren't that strong.

Alcohlism often os only one of a constellation of psychological issues.

While I think it is a compulsion, I tend to fall closer to LC's attitude. Calling it a disease takes away the stigma and removes any element of personal responsibility: "It's not my fault, I have a disease"

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#8 Apr 11, 2014
Calling alcoholism a disease is as weak as poured water.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#9 Apr 11, 2014
LW1- so, is he an alcoholic or did he just go through a binge drinking period? I think that it confuses people to call alcoholism a disease, but it is more than just lacking willpower or drinking more than is recommended. Alcoholism needs to be treated the way that other mental health issues are. Alcoholism affects how you perceive reality and react to situations, in addition to having physical affects.

The LW's heart may be in the right place, but she needs help either from Al-Anon or a counselor. Alcoholics have no motivation to change if there are no consequences for their actions and she should not be held hostage by other people's decisions.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#10 Apr 11, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: IAnd I also think itís a lot to expect other people to want to come along on this train wreck along with you. Go too AAA or something like that for your support, where you will find people who are in a similar situation.
And get a map or two and maybe some discount amusement park tickets!:-P

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Apr 11, 2014
LW2: I would just give a range or a starting rate. And surely not all the jobs are the same poisiton as yours, are they?

My company has numbered pay range levels. There might be a $20k spread in one pay range. And they overlap, too. So maybe Level 1 pays between $10k-$30k and Level 2 pays $20k -$40k. And when jobs are posted, it will just say the pay level (even internally, not the actual pay). So you may look up a job and it will just say it's a Level 10, for instance. you won't know the actual rate until you start interviewing for the position.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Apr 11, 2014
LW1: "I need a support system of friends for the many months ahead."

It's called Al-Anon. Go find a meeting.

LW2: This is a perfectly normal question to ask. If you don't like answering it, stop referring people.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Apr 11, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
Go too AAA or something like that for your support, where you will find people who are in a similar situation.
I tried that once and the only support they offered me was roadside assistance
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#14 Apr 11, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
LW2: I would just give a range or a starting rate. And surely not all the jobs are the same poisiton as yours, are they?
My company has numbered pay range levels. There might be a $20k spread in one pay range. And they overlap, too. So maybe Level 1 pays between $10k-$30k and Level 2 pays $20k -$40k. And when jobs are posted, it will just say the pay level (even internally, not the actual pay). So you may look up a job and it will just say it's a Level 10, for instance. you won't know the actual rate until you start interviewing for the position.
Interesting. I suspect that the actual pay within that range can be negotiated as well to some extent. My daughter was told the pay for a position she was applying for. She asked if it would be possible to get more. What was offered was payment for taking a state exam that would be required at some point. Also her flight to the city where it would take place as well as meals and hotel bills would be paid. In all those costs were over $10,000 which the employer knew. So although the pay for the job itself could not be increased, my daughter managed to get more than $10,000 added just by knowing the questions to ask.
pde

Bothell, WA

#15 Apr 11, 2014
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
Interesting. I suspect that the actual pay within that range can be negotiated as well to some extent. My daughter was told the pay for a position she was applying for. She asked if it would be possible to get more. What was offered was payment for taking a state exam that would be required at some point. Also her flight to the city where it would take place as well as meals and hotel bills would be paid. In all those costs were over $10,000 which the employer knew. So although the pay for the job itself could not be increased, my daughter managed to get more than $10,000 added just by knowing the questions to ask.
Hopefully they come through with that. One of the things they bragged about when making me my offer was that every employee "got" $4000/year for education reimbursement.

Well, it's educational reimbursement subject to the pre-approval of your regional VP. In the years I've been there, the VP for the midwest region has never approved anybody for educational reimbursement.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#16 Apr 11, 2014
1. Al-Anon now.

2. You're hoping to get a referral reward yet don't want to disclose how much the position pays????? Do you make so little money that you're ashamed for others to know.

3. Yawn.
blunt advice

Irvington, NJ

#17 Apr 11, 2014
2. How about I don't knpw. Go on the interview and find out.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Apr 11, 2014
L1: It's a personal choice to stay with the person. I think Al-Anon, as Squishy said, would help answer a lot of the questions you have. I'm not an alcoholic but I do know it's more than willpower but seeing alcoholics. If they could control it, I know a lot of them would. It's not that easy.

L2: I wouldn't give a solid answer to this b/c you never know what someone can negotiate. As others have said, I'd say what you've "heard" it might be and give a range.

L3: To each their own. If the deceased's name is up in lights on a marquee and it is a celebration of life, and the deceased's body isn't present b/c cremation was the choice, I think pictures are required.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#19 Apr 11, 2014
LW1: You say he recently went through a period of binge drinking and go on to describe 3 incidents involving jail. That's a pretty serious period of binge drinking, wouldn't you say? What advice would you give a friend whose partner had been arrested for the same offense 3 times? Stick with him, it will get better? And you don't mention that your partner is in a rehab program, how his recovery is going, or even if he is recovering. For all we know, he is an unrepentant drunk. Your friends have your back. They want you to wake up, smell the coffee, and make the hard but positive choice to get out and save yourself. Take Amy's advice to get that counseling and go to Al-Anon because you are a textbook enabler.

LW2: Team Mimi.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#20 Apr 11, 2014
1 It's not a disease, its an addiction. Your partner can overcome it, but that is their choice not yours. Dont ask for advice if you wont like the answers.

2 You have gone nowhere in your job, and the fact that they have such a high turnover rate implies the job stinks. Quit trying to get your friends into the same dull job you have.

3 What the mutt said. Smile! Maybe pose the deceased in a goofy position, like with their finger in their nose.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#21 Apr 11, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
And get a map or two and maybe some discount amusement park tickets!:-P
Get a map and drive far far away from that man.

Err, ah, I meant AA

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 2 min Yeah 1,207,905
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 35 min red and right 185,974
News Israeli troops begin Gaza pullout as Hamas decl... (Jan '09) 39 min Cold Front 69,321
Local Politics Do you approve of Daniel Lipinski as Representa... (Sep '12) 51 min Fane 2
Jailbird Jesse Jackson Jr 1 hr Run Jesse Run 5
News Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 1 hr Free Thinker 52,421
{keep A word drop A word} (Oct '11) 2 hr RACE 5,827
Chicago Dating
Find my Match
More from around the web

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]