amy 5-31

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Since: Jan 10

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#1
May 31, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I have had a friend — really, he has been more than a friend — for 25 years. We have been in a romantic relationship before and were rekindling the romance when he “disappeared.” He has done this in the past because he gets scared when things get too serious between us. He has asked me to move to his city several times. He has told me he loves me and misses me, but his past mistakes keep him from going further with me. He says he knows I deserve better. I have loved this man for 25 years, and he knows I always will.

He pursues me; then, when he starts to get scared, he will back away. He told me that I needed to “tap the brakes and keep things in perspective.” He also tells me that if I weren’t in his life, he would be seriously messed up. He says I am the only person in his life who has never left his side.

I know that he has issues, but I do believe that he loves me. I’m just confused. I don’t know where to go from here. I truly believe we were meant to be together, but I can’t continue to fall into this pattern, only to have him get scared again. What should I do?-- Sad Partner

DEAR SAD: I realize this is tough after 25 years of being locked into a challenging relationship, but you need to realize — deep in your bones — that this man’s behavior is his own personal challenge. You may not be able to decode the depths of his problems. You certainly can’t solve them for him. So don’t make his problems your problem.

If he loves you, wants you in his life and is emotionally able to maintain a stable relationship with you, he will have to find ways to prove this to you. Your first and biggest job is to pay close attention to your own behavior and choices. If being jerked around by someone who is emotionally stunted feels like love to you, then you should figure out why that is.

When you ask,“Where should I go from here?” the answer is, home. You should go home. Take care of yourself.

DEAR AMY: I have been in a relationship with a woman for almost a year. We care about each other and get along great. In a few weeks I’m meeting her mother for the first time. Her mother lives halfway around the world, so they rarely get to see each other. Her mother will be staying with my girlfriend’s brother, who lives out of state. My girlfriend will be taking a long vacation so she can spend time with her family, and I’m going to fly out there for a few days so I can meet her mother.

I would really like to bring a gift for her mother, as well as something for her brother and his wife, since they’re kind enough to let me stay in their house for three days. Do you have any suggestions?-- Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: Your girlfriend might have good suggestions about what her mother would like, but I have a theory that most mothers like (or at least don’t mind) scarves. Your local museum shop will have a selection; choose something that reflects your home city. A scarf or textile makes a nice gift for someone who has to travel (it’s easy to pack).

Your hosts might like something for the kitchen. Linen tea/dish towels and fancy soaps are all nice host gifts and fit the TSA requirements for packing. You sound like such a thoughtful person. I hope your tangential presence in this family’s life is the true gift.

DEAR AMY:“Long Distance Gal” worried that her boyfriend continued to declare his relationship status on Facebook as “single.” He maintains it is because he is private. Well, if he is so private, he either should not declare any status or should not have a Facebook page at all!

Noting your status as “single” when you are not single is simply lying.-- Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: I felt this was a petty issue, but many readers disagree.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
May 31, 2013
 
L1: Amy did a pretty good job with this one, I think.

Plus: So long as you feel this way about this guy, you have no business dating anyone. Other men deserve better.

I also wonder whether LW1 is a guy.

L2: Why on earth would you ask a stranger instead of YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

My god, the stupid just burns sometimes.

L3: Actually, since he's not married, he is technically -- and legally -- single.
liner

Bellport, NY

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#3
May 31, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: Amy did a pretty good job with this one, I think.
Plus: So long as you feel this way about this guy, you have no business dating anyone. Other men deserve better.
I also wonder whether LW1 is a guy.
L2: Why on earth would you ask a stranger instead of YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
My god, the stupid just burns sometimes.
L3: Actually, since he's not married, he is technically -- and legally -- single.
LOL, I also wondered about LW1 being a guy!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#4
May 31, 2013
 
L1. Okay, has calling oneself a partner now become an announcement one is in a gay relationship?

OWSM (Old Whie Suburban Mom) wants to know.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
May 31, 2013
 
1 Well, I have no question about it, gay sex all the way around. Problem is the dude likes the sex on the DL, and cant bring it out into the open, which is why he bolts.
Dump him.

2 Hey knucklehead this is "ask amy" not "hints from Heloise."

3 No, you were actually right, it is a stupid thing, and red is also right.
Cass

Upland, CA

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#6
May 31, 2013
 
LW1 - 25 YEARS???? That's a long time to want something more from a relationship. The time to let this one go and move on was, like, 20 years ago at the absolute latest.

LW2 - Please, please, please don't bring people dish towels as a "host gift." Or "fancy" soaps. If you are going to stay with people for a few nights, take them out to a nice dinner and forget the "host gifts." As for the gift for the future MIL (probably), ask your GF. Why in the world would you ask a total stranger?
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#7
May 31, 2013
 
Lw2: I have 20-odd scarfs and shawls and etc hanging in my closet. They occupy multiple hangers and the stacks just keep randomly growing. I think I've worn one of them in the past year.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#8
May 31, 2013
 
LW1: "What should I do?"

You should run the other way the next time he decides to come back. This is not what love looks like, and I think you know that.

LW2: What Cass said.

LW3: Can we declare the status of this rehash as "idiotic"?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#9
May 31, 2013
 

Judged:

1

You should knot them all together and hang them out the 2nd story window.
pde wrote:
Lw2: I have 20-odd scarfs and shawls and etc hanging in my closet. They occupy multiple hangers and the stacks just keep randomly growing. I think I've worn one of them in the past year.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#10
May 31, 2013
 
L1: Unless he gets some counselling, the LW should move on. If I was the LW, that's what I would tell him.

L2: How the heck would Amy know what this woman would like? Yes, ask your gf.

L3: I don't care anymore about this. Not that I ever really did anyways.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#11
May 31, 2013
 
L1: Twenty... five... years...? I feel old and exhausted just having read this saga.

L2: Yeah, ask your girlfriend, moron. You just wanted to see your letter printed.

L3: The FB drama never stops.
liner

Bellport, NY

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#12
May 31, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
L1. Okay, has calling oneself a partner now become an announcement one is in a gay relationship?
OWSM (Old Whie Suburban Mom) wants to know.
Frequently yes.....

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#13
May 31, 2013
 
1- Such gay drama. He sounds like a hot mess. Maybe he's just not willing to come out? You don't need this, especially for 25 years.

2- Take them out to dinner.

3- Shouldn't have a facebook page at all?? Screw off, lady. Maybe he just doesn't want to deal with the barrage of questions:(You're dating someone? Since when? Where does she live? Why so far away? Yeah right, you don't have a girlfriend...)
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#14
May 31, 2013
 
LW1: He loves the thrill of the chase, but when he catches his prey, he loses interest in it. Amy nailed this one. You need to take care of you and forget about this man. He is too damaged to ever be in a real relationship.

LW2: Do not buy a scarf or tea towels. Do take them out to dinner.

LW3: It IS a petty issue, and it is embarrassing to change status on FB. A friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend and changed his status. Two weeks later they got back together and he changed it again.(They have a tempestuous relationship.) IMHO, it si best not to advertise your personal business on FB.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#15
May 31, 2013
 
LW1 - Very....Slow....Learner...

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#16
May 31, 2013
 
Hey cutie!
Shari23 wrote:
LW1 - Very....Slow....Learner...

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#17
May 31, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Hey cutie!
<quoted text>
Hey! So busy lately, I haven't been posting anywhere much. Starting riding lessons for the kids tomorrow. The wind will probably blow them off!

Since: Jan 10

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#18
May 31, 2013
 
Heh if Julie reads this letter, she is gonna go apesh8t int he comments.

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