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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 16, 2012
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I are in our early 20s and have been together for three years. I work full time in a restaurant, receive little to no help from my parents, and live in a one-bedroom apartment that I struggle to afford. He lives with his parents rent-free and seldom works.

Before you write him off as a complete deadbeat, he is an extremely talented musician, and the primary reason he lives at home is so that he can spend pretty much all his time on his creative pursuits.

In truth, though, he practically lives with me, only returning to his parents' place to eat and work on music while I'm at work.

I have been tolerant of this situation, because I love him and think we make a great partnership -- we are also in a band together. However, as we get older, I worry: Am I becoming a substitute for his parents? Is he living off of me? Can I afford to support myself and another person? At what point will he admit that he needs a day job?

I've tried to address these issues but he always thinks that I'm judging him or trying to pressure him.

He defends himself by claiming that he writes all the songs in our band, and that we wouldn't get as much done if he had to get a job.

I know I can't make him get a job or officially move in with me, but how can I make him see things from my point of view?-- Girlfriend in a Conundrum

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: Not to put too fine a point on it, but even artists need to work -- and working outside of music gives a musician not only money, but also material. Otherwise, your boyfriend's music would be limited to anthems in praise of the comfy couch cushions and second helpings of Jell-O.

A story I read in LA Weekly noted the day jobs of some famous indie rockers. My favorite is Jack White (of the White Stripes), who was a furniture upholsterer (along with Meg White) while working on his music.

Your boyfriend is defending his choices. He is very clear about his inclinations and intentions. You need to decide whether you are willing to be the breadwinner and support him. Otherwise, cop to judging him and be as clear about your intentions as he is about his own.

And -- please -- don't push for him to "officially" move in with you.

DEAR AMY: My husband's sister always pushes him into doing things, like attending family functions, through guilt and relentless pushing. He has a job with a very difficult schedule and doesn't know months in advance if he's available for events and the like -- and he will tell her that, but she still pushes him. She is relentless.

When I say something about this to him, he gets angry with me.

Conversely, if I want to plan for the two of us to do something in advance and he tells me he doesn't know what his work schedule will be, if I continue to push, he blows up at me.

I really don't know why his sister has more sway over what he does than me, his wife!-- Annoyed

DEAR ANNOYED: I feel very sorry for this guy. He gives a consistent (and truthful) answer to the two women in his life, and all he gets in return is more pushing.

If you know your husband can't plan very far in advance because of his demanding work schedule, then your pushing won't change the outcome -- but will only remind him of his sister.

You should have a "fallback friend" who might be willing to attend events at the last minute if your husband can't make it.

You are choosing to be annoyed about something that your husband cannot change -- his schedule and his sister's behavior.

DEAR AMY: "Angry" brought back so many memories from 55 years ago. My mother-in-law was an overbearing meddler, too, with a bad reputation in town.

Your advice was good, Amy, but this couple should do what we did -- move 1,000 miles away.-- Peaceful

DEAR PEACEFUL: This seems like the "nuclear option" but I'm glad it worked for you.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Aug 16, 2012
L1: tell your boyfriend that he should be making enough money at his music to *contribute to your household.* If he can't do that, he should get a PT job. You're paying for his food, utility usage, and he's essentially getting free rent from you -- he doesn't have the hassle of the 'rents around and he's getting a girlfriend to sleep with. All from writing songs for a band that most likely makes no money.(IME with being in bands, most of the money goes toward equipment, recording time, gas money to get to gigs, etc.)

Ask yourself if that's gonna fly when you're 30. Act accordingly for now.

L2: Aw, c'mon, you can make him more miserable than you're already doing, can't you? WHy don't you ask your *husband* the question you asked Amy? And I'm curious as to this job. I've known doctors, space shuttle engineers, and other Important People who are able to get time off, make plans in advance, etc.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Aug 16, 2012
1 Ha! You are bieng used and if he ever does amount to anything in the music world, you will be dumped.

2 There goes amby bashing the man again, calling him an abuser because he yells....Oh, wait.

3 Great, you advocate running away from your problems instead of solving them...yay!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Aug 16, 2012
1-Wake up, honey. Your boyfriend's a loser.

2- He's making excuses. Guess he's just not that into you.

3- Sure, uproot your life and move a thousand miles away. That'll show her. Idiot.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#5 Aug 16, 2012
Lw1: Are you blind? This guy is a loser. If he was a real man, he'd be working while developing his music. He is using you and his parents. He is a deadbeat. Dump him.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Aug 16, 2012
LW1: Unless your band and his songs are making enough money to pay the bills, dude can’t expect everyone to work and provide for him. Yet he does, and he sees absolutely no problem with this. He sounds very immature and irrational.

LW2: Ever wonder why some dudes don’t get married or remarried? You’re why! Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Aug 16, 2012
lw1: until he becomes a full fledged resident at your home, his job status is not really your concern. you complain that he has it easy while you sre struggling to make ends meet. if he had a job and a place of his own, that would not change the fact that you are struggling. but here you are, complainimg about a bf that has no job and you are wondering how to get him to move in? wtf? your in your early 20's. if his parents are willing to bankroll him, good for him. it won't last forever.

your approach is backwards. you want him to get a job SO he can move in with you? how bout waiting till he is self supporting before even considering it?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Aug 16, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
lw1: until he becomes a full fledged resident at your home, his job status is not really your concern. you complain that he has it easy while you sre struggling to make ends meet. if he had a job and a place of his own, that would not change the fact that you are struggling. but here you are, complainimg about a bf that has no job and you are wondering how to get him to move in? wtf? your in your early 20's. if his parents are willing to bankroll him, good for him. it won't last forever.
your approach is backwards. you want him to get a job SO he can move in with you? how bout waiting till he is self supporting before even considering it?
How do you figure that? Maybe she doesn’t want to waste years in a relationship with some guy who has no ambition. Also, this notion that she’s only in her 20s and should be okay dating some loser because she’s in her 20s makes no sense to me.

Did someone steal your topix password and post as you this morning?
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#9 Aug 16, 2012
L1 Whatever Squishy says to LW1 rules.

L2 Some guys marry women like their mothers. Your guy married a woman like his sister. After that, what Ang' said.

L3 You got it right.My MIL is 504.2 miles away from the foot of my driveway. Guess why I know that.
dahgts

Chicago, IL

#10 Aug 16, 2012
L1: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

From someone who was married to (raised two kids), and lived with another musician after ex for total of 30 years, if he's not making a reasonable living at it,(mine were, and I worked), then he should take a day gig. This being creative crap is just an excuse not to. And remember, the odds are great you will never be rich and be lucky to be at least paying the bills. You can keep him as a boyfriend but not a live-in one until he sees the light and you see a paycheck.

My favorite...How do you make a million dollars playing jazz. Start with two million.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#11 Aug 16, 2012
How to become a millionaire: First, get a million dollars....

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#12 Aug 16, 2012
L1. "I never heard so musical a discord, such sweet thunder"

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#13 Aug 16, 2012
Geez, no pressure PEllen!

LW1: Unless he's won a McArthur Genius Grant, he needs to support himself in some way. Right now, he's doing that by living at home. Until his parents get sick of that, you should be happy he's not mooching off you more than the utilities he's using while he's at your place.

And you do realize that he does not want this situation to change. He's getting free rent at his parent's house and free pussy at your house and all the free time in the world to write music. Of course he's gonna get pissed at you trying to rock the boat. <humming... don't rock the boat baby. Our love is like a ship on the ocean, sailing with a cargo full of love and devotion>

Bottom line advice: do NOT let him move in with you until he realizes that unless writing songs is paying the bills, he will have to get a j-o-b.

LW2: Sh!t, cut this guy some slack, will ya lady?!
He already has one nag; his wife should not be another.

LW3: Too bad this rehash won't move 1000 miles away.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Aug 16, 2012
PEllen wrote:
...My MIL is 504.2 miles away from the foot of my driveway. Guess why I know that.
Ha! Love that

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Aug 16, 2012
L1: He could at least work at a music store or giving private lessons -- whatever. Run from this guy. There is so many jobs related to the music business. I'm not saying they pay much but at least he could be making something connected to his passion.

L2: I have to go with Pellen on this one.
Sam I Am

Schaumburg, IL

#17 Aug 16, 2012
1. If you are going to become the next John Lennon, you do it on your own dime. He's using you, wake up.

2. You married a pussy. Either move on or get used to it and make other arrangements for events, etc. Maybe he'll see you doing stuff without him and respond. Maybe he won't, but I think this is another case of you knew what you were getting and you thought it'd change.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#18 Aug 16, 2012
1: He's a loser.

2: Already forgot what it was about.. Oh yeah, I just don't care.

3: It wasn't a MIL, just my entire certifiably bat-shit crazy family I chose to live 1000+ miles away from most of my life. You just can't fix them and the only way to get any peace of mind is to NOT be intimately involved with them on a day to day basis. <shrug>
Cass

Upland, CA

#19 Aug 16, 2012
PEllen wrote:
L3 You got it right.My MIL is 504.2 miles away from the foot of my driveway. Guess why I know that.
Love it!
Judge Janie

Wagner, SD

#20 Aug 16, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
LW2: Ever wonder why some dudes don’t get married or remarried? You’re why! Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.
LOL, I've said this to my husband once in awhile when we see an obviously hen-pecked husband out and about, or among our friends. My mother was the worst. I love her dearly, she's a great woman and a good mother, but holy geez, I would NOT have wanted to have been married to her! And she was the queen of pushing, pushing, pushing. Always wanting to know months ahead of time if we were going to do such-and-such, then continually reminding us that it's only x number of months until such-and-such, etc. She never quite grasped that some jobs have the kind of schedule that you can't know too much in advance or that you aren't fully in control of your schedule and time off in such jobs.
I have a deal with hubby that works very well for us. I don't nag him and he doesn't nag me. Simple!
On the other hand, after watching Bridezillas a few times, I have NO SYMPATHY for the wusses who marry these controlling, nasty, no-class, selfish, self-absorbed, materialistic beyotches. NONE. They know what they're getting before they go through with it. And that's always been one great mystery of life for me: How is it that these beyotches can find husbands while a lot of really nice, caring, intelligent, kind, self-sufficient gals who don't nag or complain can't even find dates a lot of the time??????

Since: Nov 09

Wisconsin

#21 Aug 16, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
How do you figure that? Maybe she doesn’t want to waste years in a relationship with some guy who has no ambition. Also, this notion that she’s only in her 20s and should be okay dating some loser because she’s in her 20s makes no sense to me.
Did someone steal your topix password and post as you this morning?
Yeah, I agree with this. He lives with her almost all the time, but doesn't contribute at all. She's worried that he's just going to end up using her and expecting her to do everything for him the rest of his life while he putters around being an "artist". Seems like a legit concern to me.

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