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“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Des Plaines, IL

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#1
Feb 26, 2013
 
Dear Amy: Recently I was shopping and ran into one of my older brother's friends. He is 19 years old. I am 16. I was attracted to him. He invited me to his house and I went. He kissed me. I wanted to make out with him, but I did not want to go all the way and told him so.

We made out. I wanted to stop. I wanted only to kiss him. We ended up having sex. I didn't say "stop" out loud. I kept thinking, "Stop! Stop! Stop!" But I didn't say it. I don't know why. I felt scared and shy. He didn't do anything to scare me. I just felt too scared to say stop. I felt stupid too. My mom's friend said I was raped. She said: "You told him you didn't want to go all the way. He's older than you. He should know better." She said a girl has to say "yes," and if a girl doesn't say yes and has sex, then she was raped.

Was I raped? I don't want to go to the police. I just want to know the answer. Super Sad

Dear Sad: Your mother's friend is right. Though there are different legal definitions of rape in different states, you did not give your consent to have sex. And in some states, you are younger than the age of consent. In fact, you said out loud that you didn't want to, and you were raped. You were scared. You were in his house, he is older than you I'm assuming he is bigger than you, and I'm also assuming you have never had to deal with anything like this before.

Your mother's friend sounds kind, smart and supportive. Please let her help you now. You need STD and pregnancy testing.(Planned Parenthood can provide testing and counseling; check plannedparenthood (dot) org for your local clinic.)

I urge you to go to the police to get their advice about what to do, legally and otherwise. I realize you don't want to do this, but this guy must not walk around thinking that what he's done is OK.

I am certain that your willingness to tell your story will help many people.

For more support and information, you can check the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network hotline at rainn (dot) org or by calling 800-656-4673. They now have an "online hotline" where you can chat with a counselor 24/7.

Dear Amy: I lost my baby daughter a little over nine years ago when she was 4 months old. I still have trouble dealing with this, despite counseling and therapy.

My best friend recently had a baby and named her daughter my baby's name.

I feel so hurt and disrespected by her doing this.

Her daughter is now 2 months old, and I have not seen the baby (or her). I don't take her calls.

I feel as if I can't be around her or her daughter because the name will keep my baby in my head. What should I do? How do I let her know how I feel without coming across as confrontational? Sad

Dear Sad: I can't imagine why your friend has done this, but there is nothing confrontational about being honest and asking a question.

She may tell you that she thought this would honor your child's memory. If she says this, you'll have to tell her she is very mistaken and that it makes it hard for you to be around them.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Feb 26, 2013
 

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L1: YOU. WERE. NOT. RAPED. But you have a chance to learn a valuable lesson: Stand up for what you want and don't want. Use your words. Don't have sexual encounters with which you're not comfortable. You should be totally on board with the sex you have.

Stop trashing this kid to all and sundry. STOP. RIGHT. NOW. He did NOTHING wrong. The cops will do nothing because no crime was committed.

Amy: Quit this job. You are horrible at giving advice. You freaking idiot!!!

L2: I can't imagine keeping this idiot as a friend.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Feb 26, 2013
 

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1 Team Red.

2 I am conflicted, yeah is tacky, but choosing the name for your child is a very personal decision, and it could be that she simply loves the name. Is she supposed to name her kid something else just because you had a child with the same name that died? What if the child had lived? Would you then feel like she is copying you?

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#4
Feb 26, 2013
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: YOU. WERE. NOT. RAPED. But you have a chance to learn a valuable lesson: Stand up for what you want and don't want. Use your words. Don't have sexual encounters with which you're not comfortable. You should be totally on board with the sex you have.
Stop trashing this kid to all and sundry. STOP. RIGHT. NOW. He did NOTHING wrong. The cops will do nothing because no crime was committed.
Amy: Quit this job. You are horrible at giving advice. You freaking idiot!!!
Exactly all of this. Amy, YOU SUCK! This kid's life - the guy - could be ruined if people bought into your victim mentality.

And telling a guy at the beginning of a make-out session that you don't want to have sex... well, you're going to have to remind him along the way. With words.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#5
Feb 26, 2013
 

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RACE wrote:
2 I am conflicted, yeah is tacky, but choosing the name for your child is a very personal decision, and it could be that she simply loves the name. Is she supposed to name her kid something else just because you had a child with the same name that died? What if the child had lived? Would you then feel like she is copying you?
I agree, I'm conflicted too. At first glance, it seems insensitive but other peoples' decisions aren't about "you."

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#6
Feb 26, 2013
 
1- So you didn't tell him to stop, he used no threat of harm or violence. You willingly went with him to his house and made out... If you didn't have sex, you would be a c0*k tease. Chalk it up to a lesson learned.

2- It's been 9 years. I think you should get over it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#7
Feb 26, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
You should be totally on board with the sex you have.
She's 16, she shouldn't be having sex at all.

If there's one thing society needs more of, it's unwed teen mothers....

Since: Jan 10

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#8
Feb 26, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
She's 16, she shouldn't be having sex at all.
If there's one thing society needs more of, it's unwed teen mothers....
THIS girl shouldn't be having sex at 16. She's not ready.

I had sex at 16 and was ready, and responsible, and in a loving relationship with someone who treated me great.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#9
Feb 26, 2013
 
Also, depending on the age of consent in her area, it's possible this guy committed statutory rape. Would that be bad enough?

Since: Jan 10

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#10
Feb 26, 2013
 
That's not likely. Most states have set the age of consent at 16, and "age of consent" means "can have sex with anyone her own age or older, even 80 year olds." And states that have set the age of consent to 17 and 18 have special allowances for teens who are close in age to one another who have sex. They've "decriminalized it." Only a handful of states are strict about it (Utah is one, I think?).

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#11
Feb 26, 2013
 

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LW1: Team Red for the win!

LW2: I can understand the LW's pain, but unless her baby was named some very unusual or unique name (like Quvenzhane) she has no "rights" to it. For all she knows, her friend's grandmother or favorite auntie had the same name.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#12
Feb 26, 2013
 

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1 While no means no, you never really said it. Learn to use your words and avoid makeout sessions with people you don't want to sleep with.

2 True, it's been 9 years, but I don't think everyone can just get over losing a baby.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#13
Feb 26, 2013
 

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L2: I missed the fact that it's been 9 years since the LW's baby died. Yeah, LW needs therapy. It shouldn't bother her that her friend's baby has the same name after all this time to the point where she can't be around her.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#14
Feb 26, 2013
 

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L1: I was thinking statutory rape, too -- but we don't know what state she is from. This girl is obviously immature. It's her brother's friend. He might now how easily she is manipulated. I wouldn't bring this to a rape case to the authorities but this girl needs counselling. She also needs to learn to take ownership of herself.

L2: If it was really her best friend, you'd think that friend would have had a talk with her about the name. I think the friend is wrong b/c she didn't talk to her about it and I think the mourning mom is wrong b/c she cut out her "best friend" without having a discussion with her.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#15
Feb 26, 2013
 

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j_m_w wrote:
L2: I missed the fact that it's been 9 years since the LW's baby died. Yeah, LW needs therapy. It shouldn't bother her that her friend's baby has the same name after all this time to the point where she can't be around her.
The other day my nephew and I went to Wendys. As I was getting out of the car some people were walking to theirs which was parked next to mine. I heard one kid telling the other one "it's C-H-R-I-S-T-O-P-H-E-R"... kinda bothered me for a second. <shrug>

Even though I *know* there's a million Christophers, and it is in no way a unique name, it still kinda bothers me when I meet anyone named Christopher (or Chris). Maybe because I didn't expect MY Christopher to die before me.

If one of my friends named their kid Christopher, and they both (a niece and friend of Chris') had the courtesy to ask me before they did. I think it might bother me.

Sorry not very coherent. Need coffee.:-/

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#16
Feb 26, 2013
 

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Saluki Rod wrote:
2 True, it's been 9 years, but I don't think everyone can just get over losing a baby.
I'm not suggesting everyone should. But 9 years later she's upset that a friend decided on that name? What if it was some common name like Mary or Susan? What if the name has nothing to do with the lw and her baby? Nobody has "rights" to any name. Sounds like the lw has a woe is me complex and looking for offense.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#17
Feb 26, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm not suggesting everyone should. But 9 years later she's upset that a friend decided on that name? What if it was some common name like Mary or Susan? What if the name has nothing to do with the lw and her baby? Nobody has "rights" to any name. Sounds like the lw has a woe is me complex and looking for offense.
Not any friend. Her best friend.

I really don't think you ever totally heal from a lost such as that of a child. I couldn't imagine it.

It's not about being logical, it's about the fundamental pain a parent feels and stays with you. Some people would be honored, others would be hurt.

If it was an acquaintance, I would agree with you. But again, this was suppose to be her best friend.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#18
Feb 26, 2013
 
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
The other day my nephew and I went to Wendys. As I was getting out of the car some people were walking to theirs which was parked next to mine. I heard one kid telling the other one "it's C-H-R-I-S-T-O-P-H-E-R"... kinda bothered me for a second. <shrug>
Even though I *know* there's a million Christophers, and it is in no way a unique name, it still kinda bothers me when I meet anyone named Christopher (or Chris). Maybe because I didn't expect MY Christopher to die before me.
If one of my friends named their kid Christopher, and they both (a niece and friend of Chris') had the courtesy to ask me before they did. I think it might bother me.
Sorry not very coherent. Need coffee.:-/
No, I get it.

A) I think it's normal to *notice* the name but you also recognize that there are a million Christophers out there.

B) It's only been, what, a couple of years since you lost Chris? It takes time to heal.

C) If the LW and her friend were that close, I do agree that the friend should have given her a heads up. But I think the LW is stuck at a certain point in the grieving process if it affects her THIS much after SO many years. That's not healthy for HER, everyone else aside.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#19
Feb 26, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
If it was an acquaintance, I would agree with you. But again, this was suppose to be her best friend.
The fact that her friend didn't even bother to mention her baby's name, indicates that it might have nothing to do with the lw. Maybe she was planning that name for a while and it's just a coincidence (how many Bree's and Kayla's are out there?) maybe that was her grandmother's name? The fact it's NINE YEARS later, I can't say I blame the friend for not even thinking about it.

The issue is with the lw and her coping skills, not the friend.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

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#20
Feb 26, 2013
 

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My inlaws lost a baby son, Douglas, to SIDS back in the early 1950s. To this day NO ONE in the family has named a baby Douglas. Unfortunate, it goes well with our last name, but that's the way it is in that family. LIVING family members, OTOH, have kids named for them all over the place -- there are generations of Evelyns, Herberts, Keiths, Terrys, etc...

Conversely, my first husband's family re-used names of deceased babies all the time. My ex-MIL had 2 brothers named Dominic and 2 brothers named Eli. Dominic I and Eli I died over in Italy and the parents reused the name for sons born later over here in the states -- and when I found out about this, I thought it was VERY creepy. Apparently they felt differently. By the way, there are Dominics and Elis all over the next few generations, including my dear grandson Eli.

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