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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jan 29, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 19 years. I offered his plumbing services to a married couple I work with. While he was fixing the problem, he became friendly with their adult daughter. She was lonely and I knew the family, so I wasn't concerned. Their relationship developed into something more and we separated. He ended their friendship and we reconciled.

Things were going great, but she continued to contact him. He has suddenly decided he can't live without her friendship and has decided to divorce me in order to continue it with her. He swears it's platonic, but something he can't live without. He hopes we can "still be friends"!

My question is how to move on from this. I have to see her enabling parents every day at work, and all of this happened under their roof. I feel betrayed on every level, especially by my husband, who was my best friend. Every aspect of my life, including my job, has been affected.

Have you any advice for moving past this without all of the anger I carry? I don't want to leave my job. It pays well and the commute is easy. But every time I see either one of the parents, I want to cry and scream.

P.S. My husband and I still live together as "roommates," as this is all very recent, and we haven't figured out our living arrangements yet.-- WRONGED IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR WRONGED: I do not for one minute believe that your husband's relationship with this woman is strictly platonic, and neither should you. Consult a lawyer now, while you and your husband are still "roommates." Make sure he doesn't hide any assets because, after 19 years of marriage, you should be entitled to a healthy share of them.

I agree that you have been wronged, but for now hang onto your temper. "Best friends" don't treat each other the way you have been treated. It may take the help of a religious adviser or licensed mental health professional for you to let go of your anger.

DEAR ABBY: My friend of five years, "Gigi," has a heart of gold. However, we were raised differently. Gigi comes into my home when I'm not here and borrows whatever she needs without telling me. And whether I'm here or not, she feels free to go through everything -- personal documents, my drawers and cabinets. Nothing is safe from her fingers or her eyes.

I have tolerated her behavior because when I tried talking to her about it, she became upset and started crying, which made her husband irate. I'm now dating a man who values his privacy, and my friend's behavior bothers him. He's friendly with Gigi's husband and deals with my friend only out of respect for her husband.

How can I get her to leave things alone without her having another meltdown? I don't want to lose a friend, but my boyfriend has a valid point that I happen to agree with.-- INVADED IN TEXAS

DEAR INVADED: How does this woman get into your home when you're not there? Does she have a key? If she does, ask for it back or change your locks. And when you know Gigi is coming over, place anything you would prefer this nosy woman not peruse out of sight or under lock and key. That way, you can reclaim your privacy without being directly confrontational.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Jan 29, 2014
1- Yeah, he didn't divorce you to pursue a "plutonic" relationship with a younger woman. I'm surprised her parents are putting up with this. Boot him out.

2- Asking her for the key back is probably gonna create the same problem. Don't be so sensitive, she's hurting nothing.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jan 29, 2014
1 If its just a platonic relationship, I cant understand why he would want to leave you. Now hes not getting laid at all.

2 Some people understand boundaries, others have to have them thrust upon them.
Blunt Advice

Millburn, NJ

#4 Jan 29, 2014
1. Get a dang excellent divorce lawyer. One who will fight for the impact of your job situation into the alimony. Not sure how big your company is but if there is an hr director find out about changing departments or office location. If you are not in a supportive company it is time to search for a new job.

This reminds me of a movie I saw years ago where a woman sued her husbands mistress and won. Too bad a 21 year old lacks assets to do this.

2. Find better friends. Get a restraining order.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Jan 29, 2014
1.Yeah
2. Dump Gigi and change the locks- she cries and her husband gets irate because she is rummaging in your stuff? And your new boyfriend is close to the husband? Soap opera stuff.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#6 Jan 29, 2014
Of course he goes you can still be friends... And roommates too. That way he keeps his comfortable lifestyle along with his new little honey. Find a good attorney and start the divorce. In the meantime, talk to HR, if your company has one, about moving to a different department. If not, brush up that resume and start looking for a new job.
However, try to let go of your anger with the "enabling parents". They didn't cheat on you. They didn't even pursue your husband. True, it may have gotten started in their house but they have no actual control over these two "adults". They aren't responsible any more than you are for offering his services.
As for Gigi, change the stupid locks and stop having her over to your house. If you want to remain friends, meet somewhere else. And tell her why. You shouldn't have to snoop-proof your home by hiding everything before she comes over. She cries and her husband gets irate? I don't understand why anyone would want to keep them as friends.
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#7 Jan 29, 2014
L2: I'm astonished that you have let this person snoop through your home without putting a stop to it. She cries at the thought that she might not be able to read your bank statements. Be careful that she does not steal your identity since she has been through every piece of mail you receive.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Jan 29, 2014
LW1: Holy sh!t. You are WAY too nice about this. The living arrangements should include his butt out on the street. He can move in with his "friend."

LW2: Change the locks.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#9 Jan 29, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
1. Get a dang excellent divorce lawyer. One who will fight for the impact of your job situation into the alimony. Not sure how big your company is but if there is an hr director find out about changing departments or office location. If you are not in a supportive company it is time to search for a new job.
This reminds me of a movie I saw years ago where a woman sued her husbands mistress and won. Too bad a 21 year old lacks assets to do this.
2. Find better friends. Get a restraining order.
Alimony???

And she loves her job. She just needs to get some therapy and learn that her co-workers didn't cheat on her, her husband did. She needs perspective. She is blaming people who had nothing to do with it. It's the husband's fault and only his fault. The girlfriend didn't have a committment to the LW and neither did her parents.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#10 Jan 29, 2014
LW1: Team squishymama. Quit being so nice, get a cutthroat attorney, take a day off work to pack his stuff up, put it on the porch, and change the locks. Let the girl have him. She will soon be sorry. Get some counseling for the anger, it will help. And remember that the parents are not to blame for your husband's wandering eye and small brain thinking.

LW2: Change the locks, it is worth it.
Blunt Advice

Millburn, NJ

#11 Jan 29, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Alimony???
And she loves her job. She just needs to get some therapy and learn that her co-workers didn't cheat on her, her husband did. She needs perspective. She is blaming people who had nothing to do with it. It's the husband's fault and only his fault. The girlfriend didn't have a committment to the LW and neither did her parents.
Yes alimony. He chose to leave her. But since contractors can be quite good at hiding their money she will also need to get the IRS on his tail if he refuses to pay up.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#12 Jan 29, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes alimony. He chose to leave her. But since contractors can be quite good at hiding their money she will also need to get the IRS on his tail if he refuses to pay up.
I thought most states (thankfully) did away with alimony. Just because someone leaves a marriage, he/she shouldn't have to pay the ex a salary for the rest of their lives. Splitting assets evenly and fairly and making sure that nothing is hidden in that process is, of course, vital. Everything should be divided up fairly, but alimony, especially when she works? No way.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#13 Jan 29, 2014
1: Dang--how long did it take him to do the plumbing job if they spoke then and got close? Did he pounce that first (only?) day? Gross.

People get opportunities to cheat all the time. Decent folk get out of there, pronto.

2: Holy crap. Unacceptable.
She cries over not being allowed to paw through your personal documents? Who gives an eff what her enabling hubby says? This manipulator is headed for danger......so cry loudly andmake a scene over her inability to treat your friendship with respect.
Ugh-I can imagine this beast at her job. I detest girls like this.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#14 Jan 29, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
2: Holy crap. Unacceptable.
She cries over not being allowed to paw through your personal documents? Who gives an eff what her enabling hubby says? This manipulator is headed for danger......so cry loudly andmake a scene over her inability to treat your friendship with respect.
Ugh-I can imagine this beast at her job. I detest girls like this.
Oh, what's the big deal? But you probably don't want to know that I rifled through your purse while you were in the restroom....
Julie

Chicago, IL

#15 Jan 29, 2014
LW2:
OMG, Change your locks! FFS, HOW FRICKIN STUPID *ARE* YOU???!!! <eyeroll>

p.s. And here's more advice, you moron--since you obviously have the brain of an amoeba--don't give Gigi the new key! Seriously, you are too effing stupid to live <absolutely disgusted>. PLEEEEEEASE don't breed!
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#16 Jan 29, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Alimony???
And she loves her job. She just needs to get some therapy and learn that her co-workers didn't cheat on her, her husband did. She needs perspective. She is blaming people who had nothing to do with it. It's the husband's fault and only his fault. The girlfriend didn't have a committment to the LW and neither did her parents.
Yes, alimony. He was helping to support her one would presume. The two of them probably could afford a nicer home, etc. than one of them living on their own would probably have been able to afford. Plus, he has made her work situation difficult.

And yes, the daughter at least is partly responsible. She could have turned the guy down but of course we don't even know that he was the one who made the first overture in that relationship. She could have been the one who started it. But either way, she has some blame here. She could have recognized that he was married and left him alone or ignored any flirtation he may have started. You shouldn't take things belonging to others (as we see in the complaint in the column's second letter) and this guy belonged to the lw. That's not to say he isn't to blame. I put him as the number one person responsible for this whole mess. He IS the one cheating here. I just don't understand why some people don't see the moral wrong in striving for an affair or whatever with a person who is married to someone else. If I had a friend who went after some person who was married, I'd drop the friendship simply because I'd lose all respect for that "friend."
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#17 Jan 29, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Oh, what's the big deal? But you probably don't want to know that I rifled through your purse while you were in the restroom....
Like a girl like me would ever leave her purse behind.....nice one.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#18 Jan 30, 2014
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, alimony. He was helping to support her one would presume. The two of them probably could afford a nicer home, etc. than one of them living on their own would probably have been able to afford. Plus, he has made her work situation difficult.
And yes, the daughter at least is partly responsible. She could have turned the guy down but of course we don't even know that he was the one who made the first overture in that relationship. She could have been the one who started it. But either way, she has some blame here. She could have recognized that he was married and left him alone or ignored any flirtation he may have started. You shouldn't take things belonging to others (as we see in the complaint in the column's second letter) and this guy belonged to the lw. That's not to say he isn't to blame. I put him as the number one person responsible for this whole mess. He IS the one cheating here. I just don't understand why some people don't see the moral wrong in striving for an affair or whatever with a person who is married to someone else. If I had a friend who went after some person who was married, I'd drop the friendship simply because I'd lose all respect for that "friend."
I'm not saying the daughter wasn't wrong, but the blame for the break up of the marriage is the husband's. HE is the one that broke the commitment. And he likely would have cheated with anyone, it just happened to be that daughter.

And I totally disagree about the alimony. You could also argue that she was helping to support him. You support each other. The husband could turn around and say that the wife emotionally abused him and neglected him and that she denied him sex and that's why he cheated (not that I agree that that's an excuse or right by any means, I am just saying that he could counter that it was LW's fault... I don't condone cheating at all, but it could be used as a viable argument). Then it could be turned around and said that SHE should pay HIM alimony because she started the problems first.

This is why so many states are no fault. By your argument, because I left my husband because he is a drunk and won't get a job,*I* should pay HIM because he could live in a nicer home and have nicer things if I were there. Makes no sense at all. Things accumulated together while together should be split fairly and evenly. The ex is owed nothing of future earnings. Not a dime. It's archaic.
Blunt Advice

Livingston, NJ

#19 Jan 30, 2014
Why she needs a good lawyer. And as a plumber he can collect cash on jobs and hide it easily. So she needs to give him a gentle reminder that he he doesn't play fair she will have the IRS on him.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#20 Jan 30, 2014
If he is a residential plumber (Bob's Plumbing), that may be true, but if he's a construction (Union) then not really. I got the sense it was the latter because his service was "Lent", if the little jobs were how they ate, I bet she would have charged for him.
Blunt Advice wrote:
Why she needs a good lawyer. And as a plumber he can collect cash on jobs and hide it easily. So she needs to give him a gentle reminder that he he doesn't play fair she will have the IRS on him.

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