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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 2, 2013
Dear Amy: Three years ago, my (then) 35-year-old sister-in-law (who lives with my mother-in-law) referred to my 9-year-old and her 9-year-old cousin as "bitches," "brats" and other words that I would have preferred my daughter had never heard.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back, and my husband and I have not allowed our children to go back without our presence.

I would like an apology given to my child, and have made this known, but I am told I am creating drama. I've been told that my sister-in-law did not really mean what she said, and my child and her cousin did not hear it anyway.

If you tell me to let bygones be bygones, then I will certainly do that. But if not, do you have some advice for me to give to my daughter? She does not want to see her aunt or her grandmother because she says they were always mean to her and her cousin anyway.

I feel I've been harboring resentment for way too long now.-- Resentful

Dear Resentful: Three years after this incident, you can do the math and know for certain that an apology will never come.

Some people just "don't do" apologies. Not surprisingly, these are often the same people who wallow in their own offensiveness. Expecting, demanding or even waiting for an apology just strengthens their resolve never to offer one.

You reacted appropriately by removing your daughter from this aunt's toxic presence. Other than to say, "Your aunt was completely inappropriate and used words no one should use," you should not dwell on this with your daughter -- or anyone else. You need to demonstrate a mature ability to file this incident in a imaginary drawer titled: "Regrettable, Unfortunate and Won't Happen Again."

Your sister-in-law's "punishment" for this offense (and I agree that it is a grave offense) is that she has to live with herself. The very act of being her every single day can't be a picnic.

You should retaliate by forgiving her. Forgiveness works every time.

Dear Amy: I've got a morbidly obese mother, but I don't know how to gently ask her to lose weight.

She has all sorts of incorrect beliefs about her own weight, i.e., she can't exercise because of bad knees, she's big boned, she's not that fat, she has to keep her blood sugar up, etc.

Help, Amy. I don't want to see her die. How can I address this?-- Worried

Dear Worried: Your mother is intractable about her weight, and so don't frame this issue as being about obesity, but about health.

Engage and encourage your mother to become better informed and proactive about her basic health, without dwelling on her weight. You should urge her to get a checkup and some tests to determine her baseline health. You both might enjoy reading Dr. Oz's accessible book decoding the mysteries of the human body, "You: the Owner's Manual," by Mehmet Oz and Michael F. Roizen (2009, HarperCollins).

Dear Amy: I read with interest your answer to "Suzi" on the requirement to love members of your family.

I was an only child, so I never had an issue with siblings.

When I married and had four sons, I had to face the situation with them. I taught them that they didn't have to love or even like each other just because they were brothers.

I did insist that they had to respect each others' privacy, belongings and person. I would not tolerate name calling or hitting or fighting.

To this day that premise still holds true. They don't all always like each other but there is still respect. They support each other in times of need and cheer for each other in good times.-- Happy Mother

Dear Happy: Mutual respect and support between brothers sounds suspiciously like "brotherly love" to me. One thing I noticed from the responses to this question was that there is no one way to define love -- but you know it when you have it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Aug 2, 2013
1- Oh, geeze! Get over it!

2- There isn't a whole lot you can do.

3- Yay for you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Aug 2, 2013
1 Well hold your breath and stomp your feet, cause that apology is on the way. 3yrs? YOU ARE MAKING DRAMA! GTF over it and move on!

2 The advice supplied is good, but dont expect that to work either.

3 I have 3 brothers and I dont ever recall being told that I did not have to love them. I am pretty sure I would have been slapped up side the head if I even suggested such a thing.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Aug 2, 2013
L1: Sure, forgive her. Big deal. But don't let her around your child without you or your husband present. Including the grandmother -- the grandmother is MEAN to her grandchildren? Screw them.

L2: SHe's accepted herself the way she is. NOTHING nothing nothing you say or do will have any effect on her. Love her for who she is.

L3: Suzy was an idiot.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Aug 2, 2013
Lw1: So in retaliation for this bad behavior, she won't let her kids go over there without her? And this us punishing who? They still get to see the kids, but only when you are there to supervise? Sounds like a win for SIL.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#7 Aug 2, 2013
L1: Why do I get the feeling that the LW's kid and niece ARE brats/li'l-bitches-in-training ?

L2: "Ah warsh mahself with a raaag on a stiiiick."

L3: Who cares.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Aug 2, 2013
L1: Obviously, everyone has issues b/c she's still on this after three years. I'd keep the kids away from SIL and grandma but I'd probably keep my kids away from you.

L2: You can't change people. She knows she's obese. She wants you to STFU.

L3: And we all lived happily ever after.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 Aug 2, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: So in retaliation for this bad behavior, she won't let her kids go over there without her? And this us punishing who? They still get to see the kids, but only when you are there to supervise? Sounds like a win for SIL.
Why a win for SIL? It actually sounds like a win for teh kids. The mom doesn't go over that often because she is ticked at her MIL and SIL. The kids don't go over without mom. At 12 , not having to visit relatives you don't like that often sounded just fine.

A couple of interesting points.

These are in laws. There is no mention of the common relative, meaning the son/father/brother.

SIL is now 38 and living at home with he mother. How peasant can that be, or looked at another way, unless she is caring for an invalid family member, SIL has no life and probably doesn't have a pleasant personality anyway.

If LW sets a good and kind example for the daughter and cousin ( where are HER parents in this BTW?), the IL's will be marginalized and discounted. That sounds like good retribution to me. Their loss.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Aug 2, 2013
LW1: Sh1t happens Ö get over it. Itís family.

LW2: She has to eat ding dongs to keep her blood sugar up, silly!

Yeah, good luck with that.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Aug 2, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>Why a win for SIL? It actually sounds like a win for teh kids. The mom doesn't go over that often because she is ticked at her MIL and SIL. The kids don't go over without mom. At 12 , not having to visit relatives you don't like that often sounded just fine.
A couple of interesting points.
These are in laws. There is no mention of the common relative, meaning the son/father/brother.
SIL is now 38 and living at home with he mother. How peasant can that be, or looked at another way, unless she is caring for an invalid family member, SIL has no life and probably doesn't have a pleasant personality anyway.
If LW sets a good and kind example for the daughter and cousin ( where are HER parents in this BTW?), the IL's will be marginalized and discounted. That sounds like good retribution to me. Their loss.
ok. Its a win for everyone. She does not say she does not let the kids go visot. Just not without her. I called that a win for SIL on the basis that if sil actully wants to see the kids, she still does, but now she does not have the responsibility of supervising them. Mom's there with them

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Aug 2, 2013
LW1: "I feel I've been harboring resentment for way too long now."

Then stop. You've done what you could and now it's time to let it go.

LW2: What Red said.

LW3: Well, bully for you! <eyeroll>

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#13 Aug 2, 2013
L1: Holy cow, three YEARS over this one comment? Go refill your blood pressure meds and get over it.

L2: You can't, so stop trying.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#14 Aug 2, 2013
LW2: The alternative is to arrange the room the way that he likes it and leave it that way. How often do you have guests other than him, and if it is a guest room and you don't spend much time in there, why do you care how it's arranged? I say leave it the way he likes it for a few visits. If you *really* hate it, switch it back and deal with the rearranging when he comes as usual.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#15 Aug 2, 2013
OOOPS, last comment belongs in Abby.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#16 Aug 2, 2013
LW1: You will NEVER get an apology, so, yes, it is time to let it go.

LW2: You will NEVER convince anyone else to lose weight until they are ready to do so. It takes work and many obese people are food addicts.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#17 Aug 2, 2013
Because its HER home, and it should reflect HER tastes, not his. He has his own crib that he can arrange however he likes.
I have a guest room and the cat spends more time in there than anyone, but I am not going to arrange/decorate it based upon someone elses whim. Besides, I dont have any other place to put the gun rack!
Kuuipo wrote:
LW2: How often do you have guests other than him, and if it is a guest room and you don't spend much time in there, why do you care how it's arranged?

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#18 Aug 2, 2013
L1: If LW is still bringing it up, then the people accusing her of creating drama are absolutely correct. That is exactly what she is doing. Several years ago, I finally hit the wall on putting up with my brother's kids destroying stuff at my home (not accidents, and not minor incidences - deliberate malicious destruction) and I told him him he is never allowed to bring kids back to my house. That ban is still in place, but I haven't even mentioned it to anyone in the family in at least a decade. She can limit the kid's exposure to the inlaws without talking about it.
L2 apparently has at least one incorrect belief about her mother's weight, as well. She seems to believe it's her problem to solve. It isn't, and she needs to just leave it alone.
L3 well bully for you mommy of the year.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#19 Aug 2, 2013
RACE wrote:
Because its HER home, and it should reflect HER tastes, not his. He has his own crib that he can arrange however he likes.
I have a guest room and the cat spends more time in there than anyone, but I am not going to arrange/decorate it based upon someone elses whim. Besides, I dont have any other place to put the gun rack!
<quoted text>
I get that. And I have a guest room, too. Well, it's more of a guest/utility room. There's a really heavy sofabed, two bookcases, a dresser and a sewing machine in it. It would be a major pain to rearrange it. It would be easier to inflate an air bed oriented east-west. But here's the thing. She clearly does not want to offend her BIL, nor does she want to put the furniture back the way it was after he leaves. So that's why I suggest that she try leaving it the way he likes it for a few visits. Getting into a power struggle with him solves nothing.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#20 Aug 2, 2013
1: Holy cow, I would go ballistic if someone called my 9 y/o child a B.
You cut them off, good, now move on.

2: You can't. It'll be easier to expect your mom doesn't want help and might die sooner rather than later.

I had this out with my mom this week. She went off her suitcase of meds on purpose to prove to me and dad she needed them; gave the organic meds I bought her to dad; finds every excuse to not exercise (after numerous neck and blood clot surgeries); continues to guzzle mt. dews all day.....I had it. I'm done. I will say no more.
It's pathetic to watch an I have no respect for her, but it's her life.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#21 Aug 3, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
1: Holy cow, I would go ballistic if someone called my 9 y/o child a B.
You cut them off, good, now move on.
2: You can't. It'll be easier to expect your mom doesn't want help and might die sooner rather than later.
I had this out with my mom this week. She went off her suitcase of meds on purpose to prove to me and dad she needed them; gave the organic meds I bought her to dad; finds every excuse to not exercise (after numerous neck and blood clot surgeries); continues to guzzle mt. dews all day.....I had it. I'm done. I will say no more.
It's pathetic to watch an I have no respect for her, but it's her life.
Have some compassion for your mother. There must be something in her life that made her thought process where she thinks she is not worthy or she should not work on herself. She may feel after taking care of everyone she just doesn't have the energy. I've read about your brother. It might be a bit of depression over taking care of someone for so long. I'm not saying you should enable her nor give any more effort in it, just rethink the respect part.

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