Abby 9-27

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“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Sep 27, 2012
 
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I just got some shocking news. His father -- age 81 -- is leaving his wife of 60 years! Mom is not entirely self-sufficient and seems dependent on him.

Dad found himself a younger woman -- a "chick" of 70. He has announced that he still has sexual needs and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. My husband thinks it will be a short-term fling and he'll return to Mom, but she says she won't be taking him back.(Who knows how she'll feel later?)

My problem is, no matter what happens between them, I'm having a hard time even considering forgiving him for his selfishness. I know it's not my place as his daughter-in-law, but I don't know how I can bring myself to face him feeling as I do. Any words of wisdom?-- JUDGMENTAL JUDY IN ARIZONA

DEAR JUDGMENTAL JUDY: I do have a few. If your mother-in-law hasn't already done so, make sure she gets the best legal advice possible. After 60 years of marriage, there should be plenty of assets to split. They will make her financially independent, and from that, emotional independence will follow. Do not count her out as a weak sister just yet because she appears to be stronger than you think.

While it's possible your father-in-law may want to reunite after the fling, it is equally possible that when the "chick" sees his nest egg is cracked in half, he will be less appealing to her. Only time will tell. In the meantime, keep the peace, bide your time, and as tempting as it may be to voice everything that's on your mind, keep your lip zipped. This isn't your marriage, so don't stir the pot.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Tom," the love of my life, for four years. We have been together more than 10 years and have a 2-year-old daughter.

Tom was diagnosed with a terminal illness early last year and is close to the end now. He's very angry, which I understand, but he takes it out on me since I am his caregiver. I'm also a full-time student about to graduate with my degree in registered nursing, so I'm busy all the time.

Between school, my daughter and giving full care to my husband, I'm stressed out. He yells a lot about everything, from money woes to the wrong bread on his sandwich. To top it off, we haven't been intimate since our daughter was born.

I'm not considering straying from our marriage, but at times I feel I'll be ready to date as soon as he's gone. It makes me feel guilty. Is it wrong to feel this way? Do you have any advice to help me through this tragic time in our lives?-- DEPRESSED AND LONELY IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DEPRESSED: Yes. Stop beating yourself up for experiencing human emotions at a time when you're hauling a load that would crush an ox. Of course your husband is angry. He has good reason to be -- but he's misdirecting it on you.

Guilt is the last thing you need to add to what you're dealing with. It's normal to crave the closeness you haven't experienced in two years.

If there are counseling services offered at your nursing school, please avail yourself of them. Venting your feelings in a supportive environment will lighten your load and help you cope with your husband. There are also online support groups for caregivers. If you reach out in either direction, you'll feel better. It could also be helpful to ask your husband's doctor for a referral to someone who does end-of-life counseling for him.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Sep 27, 2012
 

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1- My uncle left his wife of 40 years for similar reasons. I don't care if I never see or speak to him again.

2- Just smother him with a pillow and be done with it.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#3
Sep 27, 2012
 

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I find I know more couples who are aging at different rates. One got old at 55, the other still going strong and likely to remain vital for another 25 years.

Loyalty and commitment should prevail, but that is a hard slog when the other person is a crabby, stay at home with no outside interests

L2 needs Hospice services which can be given in the home. She should be learning this in nursing school- I wonder why she didn't mention it

Since: Jan 10

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#4
Sep 27, 2012
 

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L1:'After 60 years of marriage, there should be plenty of assets to split." It's just as equally likely that there's barely enough to get them through the next five years. Why even go there?

L2: Don't date right away or you'll never heard the end of it from both Sides of your families. But a response: "Anyone who helped take care of him while he was sick is free to voice their opinion. Yeah, that's what I thought."

However: I'd be wary of dating a man willing to date a fresh widow. Protect your daughter and yourself.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#5
Sep 27, 2012
 

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LW1: "My problem is, no matter what happens between them, I'm having a hard time even considering forgiving him for his selfishness."
You have nothing to forgive him for. No crime was committed toward YOU. You have no idea what goes on between THEM.

"After 60 years of marriage, there should be plenty of assets to split."
And you know this how? They could be living in a show box eating cat food for all you know.

"Do not count her out as a weak sister just yet because she appears to be stronger than you think."
She does? How do you know how she appears. You know abslutely nothing about her.

"This isn't your marriage, so don't stir the pot."
Finally, some decent f'n advice.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#6
Sep 27, 2012
 

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Nice how Abby bashes the man for wanting int, but a tells the girl that its perfectly natural. No double standard there.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
Sep 27, 2012
 
intimacy, not int

Since: Jan 10

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#8
Sep 27, 2012
 

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Not saying I condone what the FIL did, but who knows how long he has been telling his wife that he's not happy? I have a kind of respect for a really old person who decides, "I may have only a couple of years left, but I'm going to finally do what makes me happy until I die."

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#9
Sep 27, 2012
 
RACE wrote:
Nice how Abby bashes the man for wanting int, but a tells the girl that its perfectly natural. No double standard there.
Hah! Nice catch. I didn't even think of the first letter once I read the second.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#10
Sep 27, 2012
 
L1: Butt out. It sucks, but don't make someone else's problem your problem.

L2: What Abby said and what Angela said as an addendum.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#11
Sep 27, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
L1: Butt out. It sucks, but don't make someone else's problem your problem.
There have been 2 times in my life where 2 friends had a falling out with each other. I maintained my friendship with both sides, then years later, one gets weepy and nostalgic and has me call the other for them. Interestingly, in both cases they were women, went back being great friends, one ended up being maid of honor in other's wedding.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#12
Sep 27, 2012
 
LW1: Nunya.

LW2: Heís the love of your life, but you canít wait to start banging other dudes as soon as he dies. Okay, sure, whatever.
Community Disorganizer

Newtown, CT

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#13
Sep 27, 2012
 

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LW 1: Your father is a saint for putting up with your mother for sixty years.

LW 2: Just pull the plug.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#14
Sep 27, 2012
 

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L1. Abby, that is quite a leap to assume those old folks have plenty of assets to make her financially independent.
I meet octogenarians all the time who are nearly destitute and living day by day on the edge of poverty.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#15
Sep 27, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>There have been 2 times in my life where 2 friends had a falling out with each other. I maintained my friendship with both sides, then years later, one gets weepy and nostalgic and has me call the other for them. Interestingly, in both cases they were women, went back being great friends, one ended up being maid of honor in other's wedding.
So what are you saying? Don't butt out?

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

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#16
Sep 27, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
So what are you saying? Don't butt out?
I thought he was basically agreeing with you saying don't make it your problem. Just because these two people have a falling out, it doesn't mean you have to have a falling out with one of them. It might even be to someone's advantage later if you maintain neutrality.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#17
Sep 27, 2012
 

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RACE wrote:
Nice how Abby bashes the man for wanting int, but a tells the girl that its perfectly natural. No double standard there.
Not the same. The man is alive and well. The other one is dead soon. Totally different scenarios.

While I think that the guy in L1 should have made something work with his wife of 60 years, what are you gonna do? As for the guy dying, this woman has children, work and school and is going to run herself in the ground. She needs an outlet. I think PEllen's thought of hospice is a good one.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

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#18
Sep 27, 2012
 
Toj wrote:
While I think that the guy in L1 should have made something work with his wife of 60 years...
Why would you come to that conclusion? Because they've been married for so long? Because you think all marriages should be made to work?

I just don't see how you can take a side on this, especially considering we know nothing about their marriage.

Actually, I would also say that anyone who has an unhappy marriage *should* make it work, and I would never tell someone "Well, I know you're not happy, but I think you should ride this unhappiness out for the rest of your life."

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#19
Sep 27, 2012
 
cycle003 wrote:
<quoted text>
I thought he was basically agreeing with you saying don't make it your problem. Just because these two people have a falling out, it doesn't mean you have to have a falling out with one of them. It might even be to someone's advantage later if you maintain neutrality.
Oh... thanks! I was totally confused. Not enough coffee, I guess.
:)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#20
Sep 27, 2012
 
I see no difference between a man having sexual needs not being met or a women's sexual needs not being met.

That is the issue. marriage/death are the environment this issue is wrapped in, window dressing so to speak.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Not the same. The man is alive and well. The other one is dead soon. Totally different scenarios.
While I think that the guy in L1 should have made something work with his wife of 60 years, what are you gonna do? As for the guy dying, this woman has children, work and school and is going to run herself in the ground. She needs an outlet. I think PEllen's thought of hospice is a good one.

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