Abby 6-27-14

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jun 27, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing my boyfriend for five months. He still has some of his ex-girlfriend's lingerie in his dresser. When we first got involved, he showed it to me and asked if I wanted any. I said no thanks.

Now that I'm more invested in the relationship, I'd like him to get rid of it. He is currently out of town, traveling for a month. Would it be inappropriate for me to throw away these "trinkets" without consulting him?-- SETTING BOUNDARIES IN ARIZONA

DEAR SETTING BOUNDARIES: Yes, I think it would be inappropriate. Although your boyfriend will probably tell you to go ahead and get rid of it if it bothers you, it would be more respectful if you clear it with him first.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently told by a neighbor that if he wasn't married, he would make a pass at me. It made me feel kind of bad, especially the next day when I saw his wife.

My niece said I shouldn't feel bad because it was a compliment and I should be glad I still attract attention at 60. My feeling is, if you think about it -- it's infidelity.

Am I wrong or too stringent in my thinking?-- OLD-FASHIONED LADY IN OREGON

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: I think what your neighbor said was less "infidelity" than "lust in his heart." But in a sense, he did make a pass because when he said what he did, he signaled to you that he could be interested.

Cut him some slack this time and chalk it up to having been paid a compliment. But if he says it again, tell him it bothers you because you like his wife and think it's insulting to her.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Todd," and I just became engaged and are starting to plan our wedding. The problem is his father is remarried to a terrible woman. Todd grew up with her, but he can't stand her, and I feel the same way.

I gave her a chance, but she got drunk -- something she does often -- and insulted my mother. Obviously, my mother and Todd are my priorities.

Todd and I do not want her at our wedding because we're afraid she'll get drunk and make a scene, but how do we manage that? How do we make it clear that we love his dad and want him there, but his wife is not welcome?-- NERVOUS BRIDE-TO-BE IN FLORIDA

DEAR NERVOUS: You and Todd should talk to his father and express your concerns that his wife's unpredictable behavior could ruin your wedding. Ask how he thinks this should be handled. He may agree to attend alone or choose to skip the wedding. He could also promise you that if his wife gets loaded and becomes disruptive, he will escort her out of there immediately.(Suggest it to him if he's unwilling to come without her.)
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#2 Jun 27, 2014
LW1 - He offered you some of his ex's underwear? Gross!

LW2 - Horny old goat.

LW3 - Have a dry wedding.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#3 Jun 28, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW1 - He offered you some of his ex's underwear? Gross!
LW2 - Horny old goat.
LW3 - Have a dry wedding.
I agree with you all the way here. They could provide one glass of champagne per guest for a toast; I doubt that would lead to the woman's getting drunk (unless she's the type to carry her own). However, I'd still want someone to keep an eye on step-mama-in-law. I bet she could cause a ruckus even without the booze. The thing is, if she isn't invited along with her husband, that would cause a permanent rift and problems for the dad for years to come. He'd hear a daily litany of how she'd been disrespected by his son and d-i-l by not being invited to the wedding. This couple needs to plan long-term not just for the wedding.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#4 Jun 28, 2014
LW1 should call him and tell him she'd like to clear out debris. And if he
says "okay", use the ex's lingerie for cleaning rags.
LW2 would be wise to avoid being alone with this guy--just in case he isn't harmless.
LW3 should elope and just say weddings are too expensive.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Jun 28, 2014
LW1: You have "been with him" for 5 months. Presumably, not yet living together, but have exchanged keys. unless you are going over to his place to feed the cat, why are you even going over there? Don't ever throw out shit that does not belong to you. If you want it gone and he doesn't, maybe that tells you something about the relationship that you don't want to hear.

LW2: "My feeling is, if you think about it -- it's infidelity." Shit, then I've been unfaithful thousands of times. I think about it any times I see a hot girl walk by.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Jun 28, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW1: You have "been with him" for 5 months. Presumably, not yet living together, but have exchanged keys. unless you are going over to his place to feed the cat, why are you even going over there? Don't ever throw out shit that does not belong to you. If you want it gone and he doesn't, maybe that tells you something about the relationship that you don't want to hear.
LW2: "My feeling is, if you think about it -- it's infidelity." Shit, then I've been unfaithful thousands of times. I think about it any times I see a hot girl walk by.
Are you old enough to remember Jimmy Carter's interview in Playboy? He used the phrase lusting in his heart to describe his occasional reaction a well.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#7 Jun 30, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW3 - Have a dry wedding.
So ruin the fun for the other 200 guests because one person is a jerk?

I liek the idea of asking dad to keep an eye on her and escort her out if she gets out of hand.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#8 Jul 1, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
So ruin the fun for the other 200 guests because one person is a jerk?
You can't have fun at a party unless you can have a drink or two? I am not anti-alcohol by any means, but I don't find it to be a defining factor in having fun.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#9 Jul 1, 2014
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
You can't have fun at a party unless you can have a drink or two? I am not anti-alcohol by any means, but I don't find it to be a defining factor in having fun.
Not that, but generally speaking, wedding have alcohol. At least where I'm from. I don't think that you should have to not have it and make the other guests go without because one person is a jerk.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#10 Jul 1, 2014
LW1: Take it out of the dresser, put it in a box, and put the box somewhere out of the way - top or back of the closet, attic, whatever.

LW2: Well, that was a creepy kind of compliment, but I agree with Abby, let it go the first time and shut him down with an "I'm sure your wife would not appreciate that" if he gets flirty with you again.

LW3: It is extremely rude to invite one-half of a married couple and tell that person that their spouse is unwelcome. Everyone is going to have to play nice for one day. You will be so busy with your other guests that her presence is unlikely to be as large of a problem as you imagine. One thing you could do is alert your bartender and have him water down her drinks, LOL.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#11 Jul 2, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Not that, but generally speaking, wedding have alcohol. At least where I'm from. I don't think that you should have to not have it and make the other guests go without because one person is a jerk.
In general, I agree, but it depends on how much of a jerk that one person is expected to be when drunk and how much you can expect somebody else (in case of the LW, her dad) to keep the drunk in check, if it's even possible. LW, of course, knows the details and the limits of her Step's behavior, so she can decide whether to ask Dad to put a virtual leash on his wife or to eschew alcohol at the wedding altogether, or something in between.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Jul 2, 2014
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
In general, I agree, but it depends on how much of a jerk that one person is expected to be when drunk and how much you can expect somebody else (in case of the LW, her dad) to keep the drunk in check, if it's even possible. LW, of course, knows the details and the limits of her Step's behavior, so she can decide whether to ask Dad to put a virtual leash on his wife or to eschew alcohol at the wedding altogether, or something in between.
I am not a big drinker. I really could not tell you the lsst time i had something to drink other than iced tea while out with my wife or friends. So booze is something i can easily take or leave. And there is no way in hell i would have a dry wedding reception because of someone I already did not care for. Sorry dad. I ain't gonna tell you she can't come, but if you're bringin her to the wedding, you can bring her ass home if she start gettin outta line.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#13 Jul 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I am not a big drinker. I really could not tell you the lsst time i had something to drink other than iced tea while out with my wife or friends. So booze is something i can easily take or leave. And there is no way in hell i would have a dry wedding reception because of someone I already did not care for. Sorry dad. I ain't gonna tell you she can't come, but if you're bringin her to the wedding, you can bring her ass home if she start gettin outta line.
Yep, a good warning to Dad should work too: you take her home at the first sign of misbehavior on her part - way before she strips and starts dancing cancan on the table, whirling her panties around and swearing up a storm.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Jul 2, 2014
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
Yep, a good warning to Dad should work too: you take her home at the first sign of misbehavior on her part - way before she strips and starts dancing cancan on the table, whirling her panties around and swearing up a storm.
Dad's perception of his wife's misbehavior may be broader than LW's especially of she feels insecure around the whole family.

Consider talking bluntly to stepmother directly. If she listens, fine.

If she is offended, maybe she will stay home on her own.

FWIW my husband's brother is , among other things , an alcoholic.We had the waiters serve the booze to control access. They were alerted to BIL to limit his access discreetly. There were only about 40-45 people though so it was more a dinner than a whoel party.

When my MIL had the reception for us in their home town a few weeks later, I don't recall BIL being present.

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