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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Feb 11, 2013
DEAR AMY: When my fiance and I got engaged, we were extremely excited to plan our wedding. However, the process of planning a wedding has become unbearable, mainly because of my family.

Things have been bad from the beginning. My fiance and I have been saving for this day and offered to pay for the wedding, but my family was truly offended at the idea. Now they've used their status as wedding financiers to control the whole thing.

We have tried to compromise on what we want, but that does not seem to work. For example, it was important to my family to have a Catholic service, but because my fiance and his family are not Catholic, we chose an abbreviated service as a compromise. However, my family still insisted on the full mass.

I've been overruled on every detail, including my dress, songs at the reception and which friends I'm permitted in my bridal party.

At this point nothing about the wedding reflects us as a couple. We are so unhappy with how it has been going that we have decided we'd rather just elope. Are we being unreasonable? Isn't our wedding supposed to be about us?-- Wanna Be Runaway Bride

DEAR WANNA BE: The hazard of letting someone else pay for your party is what you're facing now: Your family members, as hosts, are heads of "the party planning committee" and as such are calling the shots.

If you are brave enough to leap into your future by getting married and forming a new family, then you and your fiance should be brave enough to assert yourselves now.

You two should meet with your parents and say, as a couple, "This is not what we want, so we're going to thank you very much, repay the deposits you've put down and have the wedding we want to have."

Make sure to thank them for their generosity. And then do what you want to do (and what you can afford to do).

DEAR AMY: I'm in my 30s, and my boyfriend of four years is in his 50s. He is trying to control who I talk to, text, have lunch with and am friends with.

He has added anyone I've spent a lot of time with (friends and ex-boyfriends) to the "no contact" list. He is limiting contact I have with a good girlfriend because he is jealous of the time I spend with her.

I cheated on my ex-husband in the relationship before this one. My boyfriend holds my past against me in every fight. Any time I talk to anyone on the no-contact list, we get in a big fight, and he brings it up over and over.

He creeps through my phone, email and Facebook page, and insists I erase certain people.

Recently during a fight, he went and slept with his most recent ex, saying he felt we were "on a break," so it didn't count. Now he wants me to forgive him, saying I drove him to do it.

I don't know what to do. Aside from the jealousy thing, he is a great boyfriend. We have a great time together; we like the same things and are compatible intimately.-- Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: Your relationship summary could be turned into a sign to be posted in women's shelters everywhere. The title would be: "These are the signs you're in an abusive relationship."

Please, do not say how awesome this guy is, aside from the control, spying, fighting, cheating and "jealousy thing."

You need to leave this relationship immediately. Furthermore, I think you know it. I hope that seeing your cautionary poster in print gives you the courage to go.

DEAR AMY: I was saddened to read the letter from "Michael," whose father bullied him because of his weight.

You can't choose your relatives, but you can choose whether or not to spend time with them. This father is not being loving but instead is taking his own fears and inadequacies out on his son. The dad needs to do a lot of growing up.-- Susan

DEAR SUSAN: I agree; thank you.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#2 Feb 11, 2013
1 Boundaries, learn them, live them, love them.

2 Break up. Embrace the freedom from this controlling jerk.

3 Rehash, I sneer at thee.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Feb 11, 2013
1 So you have been released of all the tedious details of planning a wedding. All's you have to do is show up and you're complaining about that?

2 I am sure he really is a great guy, and hung like a horse too. You should be excited about never having to worry about making any decisions again. Your BF will tell you what to think, do and say!
(zagger and evans anyone)

3 Dad is just trying to help the kid get laid. It's what they do.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#4 Feb 11, 2013
Go to the parish priest, do your pre-Cana, set a ceremony date of your choice and the day before, invite your family. Then if they want a big shebang, they can put on a reception for you.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Feb 11, 2013
LW1: THey are walking all over you because you allow it.

Lw2: "Aside from the jealousy thing, he is a great boyfriend."
And what a minor thing that is.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Feb 11, 2013
L1: If you don't stand up to them NOW and ELOPE or have the wedding you want, you have absolutely no business getting married. And your fiance is a doormat if he puts up with this carp. Amy is 100% wrong again. No way will her family back down. That is blatantly obvious.

L2: Sigh. "he's a great boyfriend other than the fact that he's a controlling glassbowl." And he cheated on you and you're falling for his line. So many idiots, so few advice columns. Please, please, please be on birth control.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#7 Feb 11, 2013
L1. I see Valentines Day as a makeshift holiday which holds no particular significance to me.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#8 Feb 11, 2013
Whoops. Put that one the wrong thread.
Please forgive my carelessness
cjzag

Franklin Square, NY

#9 Feb 11, 2013
L1: Yes, elope. PLEASE!!!

L2: LOL!! Oh yes, he's a wonderful boyfriend. I hope that simply by reading what you've written you will RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY!!!!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Feb 11, 2013
LW1: If you cancel this family-planned wedding, even if you give all the money back, your family will be pissed at you for like, forever. If you go through with the wedding as planned that you don't want, you'll be pissed at yourself for like, forever.

I think you should go to the courthouse and just get hitched. Then you can go through the big party that you don't really want with the attidute of I Don't Give A F*ck.

LW2: I hope this is fake.

LW3:

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Feb 11, 2013
Yeah, I gave up on LW3.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#12 Feb 11, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: If you don't stand up to them NOW and ELOPE or have the wedding you want, you have absolutely no business getting married. And your fiance is a doormat if he puts up with this carp. Amy is 100% wrong again. No way will her family back down. That is blatantly obvious.
L2: Sigh. "he's a great boyfriend other than the fact that he's a controlling glassbowl." And he cheated on you and you're falling for his line. So many idiots, so few advice columns. Please, please, please be on birth control.
This and this.

If we take LW1 for her word, she and her fiance started out trying to do the right thing by planning and paying for the wedding THEY want. Not sure how this snowball started, but it's an avalanche now. The longer they wait to stop it, the harder it'll be. Squishy made a good point and a good suggestion too.

L2: No-contact list? Are you serious? Do any of your friends or family know about this? They're a bunch of jerks if they do and no one has tried an intervention.
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#13 Feb 11, 2013
1. Threaten to elope. And spell out that you resent them holding their financial involvement (which you attempted to decline) as a means of exerting control. And take a stand here, because this will not improve otherwise. Imagine what beasts they will be when you have children.

2. Just hang in there, this is exactly the kind of stuff that just naturally works itself out.

3. Wait, a parent calling their child fat isn't appropriate?

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#14 Feb 11, 2013
L1, have them get their deposits back (what ones they can) ASAP. Then grab your two or three favourite people and elope. Tell you parents they can throw any sort of party they want, but they're out of the wedding itself since they they've taken over what should be a day for the two of you, not them.
L2- Either get the feck out NOW, or at least make sure your will is up to date, your health insurance paid up, and keep 911 on speed dial. Sooner or later you'll need one or all three of them.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Feb 11, 2013
L1: You need to stand up to those parents as a couple and then have the wedding you want.

L2: Really? An approved list? And you think he's a great boyfriend? I don't care how good the sex is, I'd be gone the first time he tried to pull that crap about an "approved list".

L3: Ya think?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#16 Feb 11, 2013
1- Quit yer bitchin, they're paing for the wedding.

2- Dammit, Jammers.

3- If you raised a fat kid, you've failed.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#17 Feb 11, 2013
No, Bush and Obamma did.
If they had taxed chocolate and sugar kids would not be fat!
edogxxx wrote:
3- If you raised a fat kid, you've failed.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#18 Feb 11, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
2- Dammit, Jammers.
Oh, fluck no.

This letter actually reminded me of a combination of two friends'(ex-)boyfriends.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#19 Feb 11, 2013
RACE wrote:
No, Bush and Obamma did.
If they had taxed chocolate and sugar kids would not be fat!
<quoted text>
We need a ban on doughnuts!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#20 Feb 11, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: If you cancel this family-planned wedding, even if you give all the money back, your family will be pissed at you for like, forever. If you go through with the wedding as planned that you don't want, you'll be pissed at yourself for like, forever.
I think you should go to the courthouse and just get hitched. Then you can go through the big party that you don't really want with the attidute of I Don't Give A F*ck.
I agree with this on a certain level, but I feel like this family has been running her life since well before the wedding, and will continue to do so. They picked out her DRESS?

This is a family that will be telling her what to name her babies.

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