Amy 5/29

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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#1
May 29, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I have two grown sons in their 20s. They both moved out of the house last year. When they come home for a visit they bring their laundry (which is fine), and they also bring their dogs (not so fine).

One of my sons just lays on the couch while he’s here and doesn’t do anything, while I’m in the kitchen cooking and the dogs are under my feet. The other son does help out, and I feel bad because he starts getting mad at the lazy son and then it starts conflict in my house.

My husband believes they are guests and shouldn’t have to help do anything while here. I believe that is not true! When I go to their homes I bring food and help to clean up.

Every time I ask my son to do something my husband does the task instead, because he hates the tension. Honestly Amy, there isn’t any tension — I’m just asking for help. I hate being stuck in the kitchen while everyone is having fun.

Please help to resolve this conflict in our house so we have a better time while my sons visit.-- Mortified Mom

DEAR MOM: Consider this a transition to adulthood, which you will nudge your sons toward.

I think it’s pretty normal for young adults to bring laundry home (it’s a great opportunity to visit mom and dad and leave with clean duds), but you should not be doing their laundry for them. Show them how to use the equipment and let them do their own laundry, for goodness sake.

If you want to cook for your sons, then let that be your special gift to them while they visit.

A parent should never hesitate to ask their offspring to lend a hand. When your husband denies your sons the opportunity to be useful to you, he impedes their growth. At least one of your sons is headed toward a life as a layabout. His entitled attitude and laziness will influence every aspect of his life — including the type of person he attracts as a partner.

Because this issue seems to rest most heavily on your shoulders, you (not your husband) should talk to your sons — together, over a meal — about how you would like these visits to go. Don’t do this when you’re upset; frame it as a common sense reaction to the current issue.

DEAR AMY: I’ve been holding onto this by myself for the past two months. What is the best way to tell my best friend that I’ve seen his wife with another (male) friend of ours on numerous occasions? I have seen these two having dinner together. I’ve also seen them having drinks. I don’t think my friend knows about this — he has certainly never brought it up.

My best friend and I have been like family for a long time. I don’t want to see him get hurt. I don’t know what to say. Can you give me some words to use?-- Fretting Friend

DEAR FRETTING: When you have something difficult to convey to someone, it’s best to start by simply admitting to the challenge. You say,“This is really tough for me to bring up to you, but we’ve been friends for a long time, and I consider you to be like family.”

Then you tell your friend,“I’ve seen your wife out a few times with ‘Bart.’ There might be a completely innocent reason for this but I thought you should know. If you were in my shoes, I’d want you to tell me.”

Your pal might leap in to supply a reason his wife has been spending time with this particular friend. If so, accept whatever explanation he gives you and maintain an open and neutral attitude toward the entire situation.

DEAR AMY: The letter from “Liberal” caught my eye. This person was asking how to deal with “narrow-minded” family members who would “never change their minds.”

Although I liked your response, you left out an obvious point: Liberal was demonstrating an extremely narrow-minded attitude toward these other people. What about some good old-fashioned tolerance?-- Also Liberal

DEAR ALSO: Touche!

Since: Mar 09

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#2
May 29, 2013
 
L1: Use your words! If you don't want them to bring dogs, say so. If you want them to help in the kitchen, say so. And for goodness sake, stop letting them bring their laundry. THAT'S the part you DON'T have a problem with?

L2: Butt out. You have no idea what the back story is and you'll look like an ass when you accuse your friend's wife of cheating.

L3: I can't tell if this is a rehash.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#3
May 29, 2013
 
L1: If she dislikes what is going on, stop what you're doing. Don't cook. Don't do laundry. Tell your sons "no dogs" and if they show up with the dogs, leave and go shopping (or whatever). Let your husband wait on them since he doesn't seem to mind.

L2: I agree with Amy. He doesn't know for sure if it's an affair. It's a good way to breka it to him in case it is, though.

L3: Don't remember the letter, but if the person asked how to change their minds that's just stupid.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#4
May 29, 2013
 
L1: This could almost be J and I. He doesn't think SIL and her fiance should do nothing, but he doesn't initiate them doing anything, either. I'm the one that says "Today, you can do X, Y, and Z chores before I get home from work."

The one that drives me nuts: they're coming in to town. Before they get here, J drags out the air mattress, fills it, and puts sheets on it. I'm like "Whyyy are you doing that?(Fiance) is (SIL's) guest. Let her do it." "Oh, I just want to get it out of the way so she's not using the air pump (it's loud) after you've gone to bed." Okay, well, that's something THEY need to take in to consideration. Let me get pissed. They'll remember next time.

I don't know, when I was a kid and had guests, it was up to me to prep for it, make sure they had everything they needed, etc.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
May 29, 2013
 
1 If you would just listen to your husband, things would go so much better.

2 Or, you could just mention it in an off handed way, something like... "Oh, I say your two timing wife and Pete sucking down shots at the blue martini the other day"

3 Edog?? When did you start writing into amby?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#6
May 29, 2013
 

Judged:

1

2. Premature. Next time you see the 2 out in public, go up to them , greet them heartily, mention that they seem to regulars at this TGIFridays and watch their reaction. End with, Tell Bill (husband) I'l give him a call Tuesday about golf.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#7
May 29, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
2. Premature. Next time you see the 2 out in public, go up to them , greet them heartily, mention that they seem to regulars at this TGIFridays and watch their reaction. End with, Tell Bill (husband) I'l give him a call Tuesday about golf.
Love it!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#8
May 29, 2013
 

Judged:

1

j_m_w wrote:
L1: Use your words! If you don't want them to bring dogs, say so. If you want them to help in the kitchen, say so. And for goodness sake, stop letting them bring their laundry. THAT'S the part you DON'T have a problem with?
L2: Butt out. You have no idea what the back story is and you'll look like an ass when you accuse your friend's wife of cheating.
L3: I can't tell if this is a rehash.
lw1: i don't see a problem with the laundry. She does not need to do it, but its way more convenient to bring it to mom's than have to deal with an apartment complex laundry room or local laundromat, assuming they don't own a machine.
As for helping, everyone is right. If you want help, ask. But I agree with dad. They are now guests. When I visit the folks, I help out when asked. Otherwise, I'm on vacation. I don't even answer the phone. I don't live there. And if she says no to the dogs, that moght mean less visits as it creates a hardship for them to get someone to dog sit.

Lw2: So you see your BEST FRIEND'S husband out and about with another woman on multiple occassions, you're not even gonna mwntion it in case there is something foul going on?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#9
May 29, 2013
 
LW1: If you don't like being stuck in the kitchen, then get out of the kitchen. Go do the fun stuff you want to and let the boys deal with it.

And put your foot down about the dogs if they really bother you. It is *your* house.

LW2: And who were *you* with when you saw your friend's wife, hmmm?

LW3: What's wrong with good old-fashioned ignoring?

Since: Mar 09

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#10
May 29, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Lw2: So you see your BEST FRIEND'S husband out and about with another woman on multiple occassions, you're not even gonna mwntion it in case there is something foul going on?
"Out and about" is the key phrase. Unless they're monumentally stupid, odds are extremely high that there's a perfectly innocent reason for them to be hanging out. If they were having an affair, I'd assume they'd use some discretion.

Since: Mar 09

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#11
May 29, 2013
 
Also, the person the LW is seeing the wife with is another mutual friend, not a stranger (to the LW).

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#12
May 29, 2013
 
j_m_w wrote:
Also, the person the LW is seeing the wife with is another mutual friend, not a stranger (to the LW).
You don't need to bring it up in rhe context of cheating. You just mention you saw them at xyz but did not get a chance to go say hello. That way at least friend knows they were out together if she did not know before.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#13
May 29, 2013
 
What letter are you reading. I read a letter about a cheating wife not husband.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Lw2: So you see your BEST FRIEND'S husband out and about with another woman on multiple occassions, you're not even gonna mwntion it in case there is something foul going on?
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#14
May 29, 2013
 
LW1: Were the boys doing their own laundry, cooking, and cleanup when they were living at home? Have you told them to put the dogs in the yard? Do you have a dishwasher? You are the one taking on all of this work instead of delegating. You are the only one who can change this by doing things differently. If you don't want to cook, let them send out for pizza. If you want to minimize the cleanup, rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, or soak them in soapy water in the sink and go enjoy their visit.

LW2: I have a friend who sometimes goes to events with a friend of her husband's when he is not able or willing to go out. At first, I thought it was odd, but it works for them. I'm with j_m_w on this; they'd be really stupid to be this blatant if they were having an affair.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#15
May 29, 2013
 
Matilda77 wrote:
L1: This could almost be J and I. He doesn't think SIL and her fiance should do nothing, but he doesn't initiate them doing anything, either. I'm the one that says "Today, you can do X, Y, and Z chores before I get home from work."
The one that drives me nuts: they're coming in to town. Before they get here, J drags out the air mattress, fills it, and puts sheets on it. I'm like "Whyyy are you doing that?(Fiance) is (SIL's) guest. Let her do it." "Oh, I just want to get it out of the way so she's not using the air pump (it's loud) after you've gone to bed." Okay, well, that's something THEY need to take in to consideration. Let me get pissed. They'll remember next time.
I don't know, when I was a kid and had guests, it was up to me to prep for it, make sure they had everything they needed, etc.
So in your mind, how is rhis supposef to play out? You have a problem with J doing it for her, but there is a benefit to you. And if they do it instead, its gonna piss you off and they better remeber it next time. What exactly is your solution to what I don't even see as a problem?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#16
May 29, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
What letter are you reading. I read a letter about a cheating wife not husband.
<quoted text>
the dude is writing about how to clue in his best friend. Jam says butt out. So i asked if she woulf butt out if HER best friend was the one possibly being cheated on. I cam't imagine her saying nothing at all.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#17
May 29, 2013
 
Gotcha! Missed who you were replying to.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>the dude is writing about how to clue in his best friend. Jam says butt out. So i asked if she woulf butt out if HER best friend was the one possibly being cheated on. I cam't imagine her saying nothing at all.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#18
May 29, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> So in your mind, how is rhis supposef to play out? You have a problem with J doing it for her, but there is a benefit to you. And if they do it instead, its gonna piss you off and they better remeber it next time. What exactly is your solution to what I don't even see as a problem?
To me it's about the bigger picture. It bleeds into other things, expecting other people to do stuff for them. It creates an environment where they expect everything to be taken care of for them. While it doesn't mean she has do to anything at any other time and can just say no, it is very frustrating to deal with people who expect things. It is frustrating b/c you care and you want to see them do better and be better. IMNSHO.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#19
May 29, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>You don't need to bring it up in rhe context of cheating. You just mention you saw them at xyz but did not get a chance to go say hello. That way at least friend knows they were out together if she did not know before.
I agree. Especially since it very well could be very innocent.

They could also be cheating b/c some people are just that stupid. BUT, saying "Hey, I saw you at the blah, blah, blah -- sorry I didn't say hello" is a good way to handle it.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#20
May 29, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1- "but you should not be doing their laundry for them."

She never says she does. But what exactly are you wanting them to do? Stir the mash potatoes? Scrub the pans? When I visit my mother's, my @zz is parked on the couch unless otherwise given a chore.

2- So ask. He's such a close friend and like family and you can't mention you saw his wife having dinner and drinks with another man?

3- Dam straight. Liberals are the most narrow-minded and intolerant people there are.

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