First Prev
of 2
Next Last

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 May 5, 2013
EAR ABBY: I'm a 60-year-old woman with grown children. My husband and I divorced after 30 years of marriage because he met someone at work. It was a quick process, and because I was in shock, I agreed to the terms of the divorce even though they weren't in my favor.

Two years ago I met a very nice man who treats me with respect and love. He wants a future for us, and so do I, but I can't get over one thing: He has two illegitimate children -- one he didn't even know about -- and although the son is an adult, he is still paying back support.

I hate to sound like a snob, but this situation isn't OK with me. I'm afraid I will always bring it up when I am angry. I'm thinking maybe if we wait until the support obligation has ended I might feel different, but who knows? I'd appreciate some advice.-- CAN'T GET OVER IT IN GEORGIA

DEAR CAN'T GET OVER IT: I know very few people over 35 who don't carry some kind of baggage from past experiences. You don't have to approve of everything in his suitcase, but if you plan on having a long-term relationship with this "very nice man," you will have to accept that he is fulfilling his legal obligation.

Dragging the past into the present during an argument is an unhealthy expression of anger. It's guaranteed to drive a partner away. Until you can find a more constructive way to work out disagreements, you shouldn't marry anyone.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 30s and have been married 15 years. Over the past year we have been intimate only about once every three months. I tried to spice things up to see if I could get him interested, but he reacted by becoming upset, defensive and insinuating that I have an unnatural fixation on sex.
t

After some discussions, it turns out he's having erectile dysfunction problems. I was relieved to know it wasn't lack of interest, but now I'm even more confused by his unwillingness to see a doctor. It has been a couple of months since he confided his problem to me, but he has done nothing to try and correct it.

I offered to go to the doctor with him, have joint therapy -- I even tried being a little extra kinky to see if it would help.

He still refuses to see a doctor or go to therapy. I'm completely stumped and unsure what else to do. Any advice will truly be appreciated.-- NEEDS LOVIN' IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NEEDS LOVIN': You have done everything you can do. Your husband may be embarrassed or afraid, which is why he's avoiding going to a doctor. Be supportive, but you need to ask him what he plans to do about this -- if anything -- because the absence of physical affection is unfair to you.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old granddaughter "Lana" has unfriended me on Facebook twice during the last week. Her mother told me she has been unfriended, too, because Lana doesn't want adults seeing what she's doing on Facebook. How would you handle this?-- NANA IN OHIO

DEAR NANA: I'd suggest that Lana's mother tell her daughter that if she wants to continue on Facebook, she had better keep Mom and Grandma as friends.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 May 5, 2013
Interesting.

There is a general acceptance today that couple have kids first and maybe marry later. Many people don't like that but there aren't that many outside the traditional family values crowd who are discussing this any more ( See, Sarah Palin's family, for example)

LW doesn't say she disproves of eh societal change but when it occurs in her backyard so to speak, the kids become illegitimate and a character deficit for the man.

Unless this about eh money, of course.Given that she epects to bring the kids up during fights and that she doesn't mention teh kids themselves, that seems likely.

The more I write this response, the less I like LW.

Ltr 2 ED is a cheap and easy excuse not to address underlying problems. It may be that he only has ED with you ...and not elsewhere.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#3 May 5, 2013
LW1: I'd X a woman off my list if she had two children with two different men and wasn't married to either of them. It demonstrates far too much lack of responsibility.

LW2: Sounds like you've done all you can do and are being very reasonable about it. Pretty sure my wife would not be as kind as you have been if I refused to have sex with her over such a lame excuse.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 May 5, 2013
LW1 - I hate the term "illegitimate children."

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#5 May 5, 2013
1: You making a bad choice vis a vis your divorce agreement has nothing to do with the guy having two kids. BTW who uses "illegitimate" anymore anyway? He had two kids. He has responsibilities. How old is the "adult" one? 18? 19? It's his obligation and whether or not he had them "illegitimately" is something that apparently bothers you. You ARE a snob. Walk away this isn't the relationship for you.

2: Get a vibrator.

3: What would you do if FB didn't exist?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#6 May 5, 2013
1- Abby can't answer this for you. You can either deal with the fact he has illegitimate GROWN children, or you can't.

2- Well, sex isn't as important to him as it is to you. That's a tough break but that's what the neighbor boy and vibrators are for.

3- Agree with Abby.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#7 May 5, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
BTW who uses "illegitimate" anymore anyway?
It's a valid term. Would you suggest we go back to calling them bassterds? Some people just need a sht to complain about.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#8 May 5, 2013
LW1 - I'm assuming that the guy you are dating is around 60 yrs old also. If he is still paying back child support that means he has no retirement savings at all. What kind of future do you plan? Are you prepared to take him on financially and support him? It doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

LW2 - Your husband is not real smart if he is willing to pick ED over sex with you, with all the ED solutions available. He is "afraid" of the doctor? Is he 12 years old?

LW3 - Oh, the drama of Facebook!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#9 May 5, 2013
Shari23 wrote:
If he is still paying back child support that means he has no retirement savings at all.
Not necessarily.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#10 May 5, 2013
Looks like this is the wrong man for LW1.

It probably wouldn't be a bad idea for LW2's man to go to the doctor.

LW3 is old enough to handle this.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#11 May 5, 2013
LW1: Reading between the lines here, I think one of her problems is that he is financially obligated to his children and she is struggling with finances due to her "unfavorable" settlement. I tend to agree with Sublime; bringing two children into the world and not marrying the mothers/fathers shows a lack of responsibility. On the other hand, he's paying support now and he "treats her with love and respect". That would be the bottom line for me.

LW2: I did a quick Google search and found a couple of natural remedies for ED. LW could ask her husband to try a natural remedy that does not require a trip to the doctor.

“boredom made me do it”

Since: Aug 08

ny, ny

#12 May 5, 2013
LW1, if I understand your presentation correctly, you feel that you got stiffed in your divorce settlement and are now upset because your guy has to spend his money on something other than you? REALLY? ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?

I sincerely hope you'd at least still feel this way if it was student loans he was still paying off, because otherwise, you're pretty scummy. I mean. More so than you already apparently are. Because it's not your current guy's job pay for the last guy's mistakes.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#13 May 5, 2013
animaniactoo wrote:
LW1, if I understand your presentation correctly, you feel that you got stiffed in your divorce settlement and are now upset because your guy has to spend his money on something other than you?
Interesting take.

“boredom made me do it”

Since: Aug 08

ny, ny

#14 May 5, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Interesting take.
I'm usually pretty big on giving the benefit of the doubt, but given her thinking that she might feel differently when he stops having to pay the back support, I'm having a hard time finding another way to read this.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 May 5, 2013
L1: I don't understand what you are upset about. How is his situation related to yours? Is this about money? Is he supposed to be spending it on you? Just end this relationshp now because you are full of way too much anger and bitterness to be dating. It's not fair to the guy.

L2: You make it clear to him that he either goes to the doctor, or you're going to a lawyer, or you're going to get a boyfriend on the side. He REFUSES to get help = abandoning his marriage. he's just too chickensht to actually move out.

L3: I disagree: The girl shouldn't have to friend her grandmother. But the mother should be PARENTING her child here and making the rules. Grandma should butt out.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#16 May 5, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: I disagree: The girl shouldn't have to friend her grandmother. But the mother should be PARENTING her child here and making the rules. Grandma should butt out.
Meh on the friending her grandmother. But agree that mother needs to step up and be a mother. And grandmother is still a mother to the mother. Parenting doesn't end once the child turns 18, and doesn't end once the child has a child. Telling her to "butt out" is unfair.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 May 5, 2013
No, it's not. The mom is an adult. Barring neglect or abuse, it's not grandma's business how the kid is being raised. s he had her chance.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#18 May 5, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
No, it's not. The mom is an adult. Barring neglect or abuse, it's not grandma's business how the kid is being raised. s he had her chance.
There are times when even adults need parental supervision.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#19 May 5, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
bringing two children into the world and not marrying the mothers/fathers shows a lack of responsibility.
This is complete bullshit. There are so many different ways this story could have gone that have nothing to do with irresponsibility on his part. Birth control fails. Birth control can be used incorrectly(woman on pill and taking antibiotics for instance).

-he knocked some chick up on a one night stand and SHE did not want to get married to him even though he wanted to "do the right thing"

-he knocked some chick up who never even told him(which is actually the case for one of the children. LW said he did not even know about the child)

-he knocked some chick up but it was a casual fling. Certainly not a relationship that was headed to marriage, and so even though there was no marriage proposal, she made the decision to keep the child as a single mother (its all her decision, right?). I mean isn't the general consensus that one does not get/stay married BECAUSE of children?

This guy is fulfilling his financial obligations, and for all we know, he fulfilled his role as a father as well(for the child he knew about). That aspect of things is not mentioned in any way in the letter.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 May 5, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
No, it's not. The mom is an adult. Barring neglect or abuse, it's not grandma's business how the kid is being raised. s he had her chance.
This.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 3 min Sublime1 99,902
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 3 min woodtick57 1,251,703
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 4 min Dr Guru 192,279
News Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 4 hr IBdaMann 53,987
{keep A word drop A word} (Oct '11) 6 hr RACE 6,144
Word (Dec '08) 6 hr RACE 5,325
Dear Abby July 3, 2015 6 hr RACE 5
More from around the web

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages