“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Oct 12, 2013
DEAR AMY: About 10 months ago I started sleeping in the guest room of my home because I am a super light sleeper and any little movements or sounds wake me constantly at night.
I was suffering from fatigue and depression and now my health has improved. My 10-year-old daughter has now moved in on my old spot next to my husband and I find her asleep in bed with him every morning.

It was really cute and sweet at first seeing her cuddled up to him with his arm around her. Now she expects to sleep there and she brings her books in at night and they read together.

Even though I know this is an innocent arrangement, I told my husband that she is too old now to sleep with him. He told her that last night was the last time and she now has to sleep in her own room. We told her we would rearrange her room however she wants to be comfortable.

Well, she cried and dad caved in and told her she could sleep with him on weekends.

Amy, I don’t think they should be sleeping together at all. I think others would view it as inappropriate and I would also like my bed available for conjugal visits.

I am not sure how to handle this situation since my husband and daughter are not cooperating with me.

I am not going to give up my guest room because my health will suffer.

What do you think?-- Rested but Concerned

DEAR RESTED: The obvious answer is that if you want your daughter to stop sleeping in your marital bed, you will have to sleep there — at least at the beginning of the night (you could enjoy family story time together and then escort her to her room). Having two beds (or two separate mattresses) in the room might help you to stay with him and still get a decent night’s sleep. Ear plugs work wonders (at least for me).

I think it’s likely that your husband is resentful that you have left the marriage bed. His caving to a 10-year-old’s demand is sending a little message to you — and he is using her natural and normal desire for closeness to punish you (just a little bit) for leaving.

You and he are not demonstrating optimal parenting because you are unwilling to try other solutions and you are (both) putting your daughter at the center of this marital issue. Do not blame your daughter. She is doing what kids do best — leaping into a noticeable void to have her own emotional needs met.

DEAR AMY: My older brother passed away 21 / 2 years ago and I cannot bring myself to display his picture anywhere in my house. All my siblings have done this (as has my daughter) but I cannot seem to bring myself to do this. Am I just trying to forget that he died, or what? We were pretty close and I remain close to his wife and child. Any ideas?-- Steve

DEAR STEVE: You do not need to look at a photograph to remember your brother. If displaying a photo triggers extreme sadness in you, then don’t feel pressured (or pressure yourself) to do this. However, I hope you find that as time goes on your memory-triggered sadness turns the corner. A photograph of you two as children (instead of one of him as an adult) might make you smile.

DEAR AMY:“Shocked Daughter” witnessed her mother shoplifting. Years ago when I was in high school, I worked at a deli and we had an older gentleman that came every day for years to buy a cup of coffee. One day, we noticed that he was “taking” some cookies. We did not have the heart to say anything to him (he was in his late 80s) and we nicknamed him our “Cookie Monster.”

I agree with you that “Daughter” should reach out to her mom and take her to the doctor. I still think of our beloved cookie monster and wish that there was a family member that would have intervened.-- Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: I think your indulgence was probably good for this man, too.

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#2 Oct 12, 2013
LW1 - My kids sneak in to my bed almost every night, so I am not the one to comment on that.

LW2 - Counseling. For grief.

Plant City, FL

#3 Oct 13, 2013
1: Ick, no. Stop. That is so weird. Of course, you could explain to the hubby and step back....if he's not being innappropriate, in a few years, she will develop, get a period, and naturally slink back to her bed. But I would not allow that stuff.
If he's resentful, he needs to use his words. It's not like you left for invalid reasons. No sleep = zombies. It's horrible!

2: I couldn't look at pics of my brother for the longest. I have a DVD of us when we were young and moving around (only real recording of us) and I've still been able to bring myself to look at it. I'm avoiding.
But it's getting better, 2 years later. I will stroke his pictures now.....don't fight grief. If you feel you're fine and it's not affecting other aspect of your life, let it happen in its own time.

Gilberts, IL

#4 Oct 13, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
1: Ick, no. Stop. That is so weird.
I don't think it's weird; it's an issue that I have found many parents with a kid in that age range have to deal with at some point. My husband is currently living on the other side of the country, and once the kid really realized that dad was gone and not coming home after he went to bed, I started waking up with the kid in dad's place in my bed. I personally don't allow it because the kid sleeps like a dying fish--flopping and rolling all over the bed (and he's slept like that since he was only a few months old). I don't find it weird, I just like my sleep without getting jolted awake by the kid rolling randomly into me, or managing to clobber me with one of his arms or feet.

Plant City, FL

#6 Oct 13, 2013
I maintain my OPINION that it's weird at her age.
It will get weirder with time.
Parents needs to stop being wusses about it.
it also breeds more insecurity, ironically. They never learn to be secure in their own place.

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