“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Nov 9, 2012
DEAR AMY: I feel very bad about my brother. He has problems, and I do not know how to help him. Last night he called me and asked for money. I am broke, but I want to help him. I do not have the money, but my husband does. I need to ask my husband if I can borrow $500 from him, but I am afraid to ask because I know he will say no.

Do you think it is a good idea to take the money without his knowledge? I feel desperate to help my brother.-- Desperate Sister

DEAR DESPERATE: You know it's a terrible idea to take money without your husband's knowledge, mainly because, well -- it's stealing. So cross that option off your list.

Furthermore, it is really your brother's problem, and your response to him should be straightforward: "I don't have any money to give you, but my husband might. If you want to borrow it, you'll have to ask him."

DEAR AMY: Our grandson's first birthday is coming up, and we have received a list of items his mother has decreed he should receive for presents. That totally takes the joy out of our gift-giving. We like picking out presents.

Should we comply and let her set the stage from year one to dictate what we give?-- Frustrated Grandparents

DEAR GRANDPARENTS: Approach this by giving this mother the benefit of the doubt. Many new parents have a natural desire to control every aspect of their baby's life, but real life (and other people) will teach them that this level of control simply isn't possible.

Your grandson's mother might have thought this list would provide a helpful boost for people who weren't sure what to give this baby or who didn't know what books, jammies or stuffed toys the child already possessed.

However, let's stipulate that giving to a 1-year-old is not rocket science and that you don't need or want suggestions. Give the child whatever you want to give him. There is no need to reference the list or explain your reasons for not adhering to it.

If the child's mother has the temerity to question why you haven't chosen something from her list, you can say, "Thank you for the gift ideas, but we decided to go another way." Be kind and friendly, and remember that you are celebrating a child, not squabbling with his mother.

DEAR AMY: You answered a tough letter from "Issues," whose future mother-in-law refused to meet her and didn't welcome her in the family home. I don't agree with you that the best solution is for the son to reject his mother and put the marriage at the center of their lives.

My daughter-in-law completely rejected my husband and me, talking relentlessly against us behind our back so that to "cleave to his spouse" our son has rejected us. The circle is tightening as we are now prevented from seeing the grandchildren.

What is necessary is that the son speak to his mother, making it clear that it is not acceptable for her to reject his bride. She must relate considerately out of respect for him if she wants to continue their relationship.

If she is so controlling that she would likely reject anyone he wants to marry, this would make it even more essential that he stand up to her. It is standing up to his mother (or in my case, his wife) that will give him the maturity to be an adult and a good spouse.-- Sad Mother-in-law

DEAR SAD: I agree with your excellent advice. But I didn't suggest that this son must reject his mother, only that he would have to if the mother couldn't accept his wife and forge some sort of relationship with her.

Since: Mar 09

Newark, NJ

#2 Nov 9, 2012
L1: Does your brother have some kind of addiction issue (drugs, gambling, etc) or is he just down on his luck? If it's the latter, talk to your husband about the idea of helping him out. If it's the former, don't be an enabler.

L2: This is practically a gift registry for a birthday party. Tres tacky.

L3: MILs vs. DILs... ugh.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Nov 9, 2012
L1: Do you realize that by giving him money, you're HURTING him, not HELPING him? Sounds like your husband knew it'd be a smart idea to keep your money separate.

L2: Was it a "you must buy from this list!" or was it "Here are some gift ideas in case you need some guidance"? Andyes, you can "Go another way" with the gift, but take into consideration the space that the parents have, and always give a gift receipt so the gift can be returned (they may receive duplicates).

L3: Your DIL sounds controlling and manipulative. I feel for the kids.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Nov 9, 2012
The irony is that when the kids grow up, the mother will insist in staying in their lives, and the thought that her kids should cleave to their spouse and leave her will simply never enter her head.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: Your DIL sounds controlling and manipulative. I feel for the kids.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Nov 9, 2012
Lw1: Uh...no. Don't take the money without him knowing or you will have problems too. And exactly what kinds of problems does your brother have? That's kind of an important piece of the puzzle.

LW2: What Amy said. You don't need to stick to the list if you don't wantto. It's not a royal decree. But many people(like me) prefer to have a list. Tell me what you want. I get no joy out of trying to figure out what someone wants.

LW3: "If she is so controlling that she would likely reject anyone he wants to marry, this would make it even more essential that he stand up to her."

If she is so controlling that she would reject anyone, then I say she made her bed and now she must lie in it.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Nov 9, 2012
RACE wrote:
The irony is that when the kids grow up, the mother will insist in staying in their lives, and the thought that her kids should cleave to their spouse and leave her will simply never enter her head.
<quoted text>
You're absolutely right!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Nov 9, 2012
1- "Do you think it is a good idea to take the money without his knowledge?"

Oh yeah, I'm sure that would be fine.

What an idiot. No wonder our country's in the crapper. People like this are voting.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Nov 9, 2012
LW1: I think your husband will cause you far more than $500 dollars worth of misery if he finds out you gave away that amount of money without discussing it with him.

Thatís really disrespectful and untrustworthy. If he's like me, it would take a long time to earn his trust back too.

LW2: You can do whatever you want, but itís nice if everyone is flexible and works together. My parents and my in=laws usually run some ideas by us and we offer our thoughts, but ultimately itís their decision.

LW3: If what you say is true, you should have raised your son to have a spine. However, maybe you need to consider your own behavior. Sounds like to some extent you and your dil got in a pi$sing match, and you lost. As I said in response to LW2, itís nice if everyone approaches things in the spirit of being flexible and working together. Even where one person is not, such as your dil, there are usually more fruitful ways to respond to pig-headedness, than doing so in kind. One can even do this without being a doormat.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Nov 9, 2012
LW1: Because you didn't tell us why he needs the money, I'm guessing it's because he's a junkie or gambler. Don't go down that road with him by stealing from your own husband.

LW2: Buy what you want and include a gift receipt.

LW3: There's two sides to every story; I'd like to hear you DIL's before I feel sorry for you.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Nov 9, 2012
L1: So you're one short of a six pack, few french fries short of a happy meal and the light is on but nobody's there.

L2: I'm with Squishy. Buy what you want, be sure to include the gift receipt.

L3: These things are never what they seem on the face of it and I'm not interested in getting involved in the drama.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#11 Nov 9, 2012
Toj wrote:
L3: These things are never what they seem on the face of it and I'm not interested in getting involved in the drama.
I've seen too many cases in which both the adult child + spouse had many and valid reasons for completely separating themselves from a particular set of grandparents. And I'm sure that most of those set of grandparents has a viewpoint and outrage about it that is similar to this letter.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#12 Nov 9, 2012
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
I've seen too many cases in which both the adult child + spouse had many and valid reasons for completely separating themselves from a particular set of grandparents. And I'm sure that most of those set of grandparents has a viewpoint and outrage about it that is similar to this letter.
Add the lack of insight that anything was wrong
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#13 Nov 9, 2012
1. By all means, feed your brother's shortcomings with deceit.

2. Give what you want and tell mommy you had it before she gave you the list, and you were sure she would not want you making unnecessary trips to return a gift you already had.

3. Do not care. If you can't deal with stuff like this, how are you going to deal with problems withn your own marriage?

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#14 Nov 9, 2012
L1: Sure Einstein, go ahead and give him your husband's money. It's not hard to see the resemblance betweeen you and your trailer park brother.

L2: I'll buy whatever I want to, not what you decree the kid gets.

L3: Like others above, I think there's a whole lot to knowing the DIL's side. Some people are such a-holes to their in-laws that it defies logic.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#15 Nov 9, 2012
Saluki Rod wrote:
L1: Sure Einstein, go ahead and give him your husband's money. It's not hard to see the resemblance betweeen you and your trailer park brother.
L2: I'll buy whatever I want to, not what you decree the kid gets.
L3: Like others above, I think there's a whole lot to knowing the DIL's side. Some people are such a-holes to their in-laws that it defies logic.
I recently found teh chemistry set my idiot BIL gave one of our girls when she was 5. His theory was she was smart and should be challenged

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#16 Nov 9, 2012
About 6 weeks ago one of my nieces hit me up for 500.00. I had it, it was mine.

The husband and I live totally separate lives, different residences, separate bills, separate money, etc. Might as well not be married, but I digress. I still talked to him about sending it before I did. Not because he had *any* say in the matter, but just to get his opinion.

I can't imagine taking JOINT money and giving it away like that though. If someone did that to me, I would be PISSED!

She is paying me back. Per our agreement. At 6:30 tonight. She already texted me this morning to tell me it will be on its way as soon as she gets off work. I didn't even have to ask.:)

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Nov 9, 2012
Mimi Seattle wrote:
About 6 weeks ago one of my nieces hit me up for 500.00. I had it, it was mine.
The husband and I live totally separate lives, different residences, separate bills, separate money, etc. Might as well not be married, but I digress. I still talked to him about sending it before I did. Not because he had *any* say in the matter, but just to get his opinion.
I can't imagine taking JOINT money and giving it away like that though. If someone did that to me, I would be PISSED!
She is paying me back. Per our agreement. At 6:30 tonight. She already texted me this morning to tell me it will be on its way as soon as she gets off work. I didn't even have to ask.:)
Twice, my aunt got written in as mayor for her town. She also was the school secretary (the only one, for the whole district--very small town). She was Catholic and pro-life. More than once, a high schooler would show up at her house and ask to borrow $200 (back in the '70s). She said she never asked any questions, and the money was always paid back, and she decided it was better to not think of what the money was for, but that a kid in trouble was a kid in trouble.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#18 Nov 9, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Twice, my aunt got written in as mayor for her town. She also was the school secretary (the only one, for the whole district--very small town). She was Catholic and pro-life. More than once, a high schooler would show up at her house and ask to borrow $200 (back in the '70s). She said she never asked any questions, and the money was always paid back, and she decided it was better to not think of what the money was for, but that a kid in trouble was a kid in trouble.
In Champaign Urbana in 1969 it cost more than $200, and you had to go to Kansas City to do it. We raised the money for my roommate and my bf (the only one in the group with a car) drove her to and from the airport. But your point is well taken and kudos to your aunt

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#19 Nov 9, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Twice, my aunt got written in as mayor for her town. She also was the school secretary (the only one, for the whole district--very small town). She was Catholic and pro-life. More than once, a high schooler would show up at her house and ask to borrow $200 (back in the '70s). She said she never asked any questions, and the money was always paid back, and she decided it was better to not think of what the money was for, but that a kid in trouble was a kid in trouble.
Good for your aunt! I never really ask anyone what they need the money for. So what? If you need it you need it.

I do know why my niece needed it though. She was moving and had it in her head that the rent (first, last, deposits) was 3100.00 and figured out at the 11th hour it was 3600.00 and she couldn't just come up with the extra 500.00 after already packing and storing and paying the movers, etc., etc., etc., by the next day. So, I Western Unioned (yes, that's a word...ok not really, but I'm calling it a word) to her.

Of course that was right on the heels (like a week) of paying my other niece's ticket for her, to the tune of 1257.00, so I've been a little broke the past few weeks. That money's coming on Tuesday. I know I'll get it, she lives in my house.:-|

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