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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Dec 27, 2012
DEAR AMY: My sister and her family are arriving soon from out of state to spend a week during the holiday. We don't see them often and always have fun and lots of laughter. This family will be staying with our elderly mother who does not drink alcohol. Their two oldest children are in their very late teens (one will be turning 20 soon). Our son is 21.

We would like to invite the entire clan to our home for a day of fun (and to give mom a break!) I'm concerned my sister and her husband will want us to allow their oldest children to drink, which they sometimes permit at their own home. I'm opposed to this for a variety of reasons. While I feel I should not speak up about what goes on at our mother's home, I don't want our home to become the alternative "party central." Neither do I want to start a row with my sister and brother-in-law (who is a strong believer in his own parental rights). Our son was not permitted to drink in our home until he turned 21 last year.

Should I speak to my sister in advance about this? I'm afraid that bringing it up proactively will imply judgment about their parenting choices. And what can I say if they offer to serve their older children beer or drinks while visiting us?-- Worried About Whining

DEAR WORRIED: You are over-thinking this. It is not your business what these parents allow their kids to do when they're at home, but if any underage drinkers are offered alcohol in your home, you just have to say -- to everyone -- "I'm sorry, but we don't allow underage drinking here." It should not be a big deal.

If they think you're a prude or a hypocrite, so what? If alcohol is consumed in your home, you might be held legally responsible for any negative consequences. You don't need to make proclamations ahead of time. Any parent who believes strongly in "parental rights" would by necessity have to respect your parental right to control what happens in your own home.

And if this family can't manage a "day of fun" at your house without offering their kids alcohol, they have a problem. If these parents are determined to let their kids drink, they can take them elsewhere and take their chances.

DEAR AMY: I have been living with my partner for more than two years. I am very fond of his parents, but I find it difficult to visit them as there are photos of my partner with his ex-wife on display. The divorce was less than amicable, and I don't believe they have any continuing ties to her. They have been very good to me and welcomed me into the family, but I am offended to see reminders of him with someone else.

I wouldn't dare ask them to remove these photos; it is their home. I have not said anything to my partner, because I know it probably sounds very petty. But it hurts. Do I suffer in silence? Put up and shut up?-- Insecure

DEAR INSECURE: I don't think you're necessarily insecure. Unless there are also children "in the picture," I think this would bother most people.

You should talk to your partner about this -- if only to say, "I realize it is not my house, and I understand I can't ask your parents to do anything differently, but these photos do make me uncomfortable, and I just wanted to let you know."

Your boyfriend should listen compassionately and also speak with his parents. At the very least, you and your guy should give them a photo of the two of you, which they can either substitute or add to the collection.

DEAR AMY: You recommended Narcotics Anonymous to the writer signing her letter "Wanting an Addiction-free Mama," whose mother was addicted to pot. I'd like to recommend Marijuana Anonymous instead. Pot addiction is specific, and this 12-step program literally saved my life.-- Currently Sober

DEAR SOBER: Thank you. The Marijuana Anonymous Web address is marijuana-anonymous.org .

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Dec 27, 2012
1- Stop goddam worrying about what ifs!

2- "I am offended to see reminders of him with someone else."

Get over it.

3- Can I go there to get some bud?

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#3 Dec 27, 2012
L1:
"I'm concerned my sister and her husband will want us to allow their oldest children to drink..."

"Should I speak to my sister in advance about this?"

Yes. You don't even KNOW if they're going to bring this up so in the interest of being pro-active, talk to her. She's your SISTER, it shouldn't be that hard.

L2: Whether or not kids resulted in that marriage is huge. If yes, the pictures are there because of them and they're staying. If not, I do think it's strange and insensitive. In fact, if I were the partner I'd ask my own parents to take them down. Unless the whole family is people who just don't notice/think of that stuff.

L3: I had no idea there is an "anonymous" strictly for pot.
RACE

Miami, FL

#4 Dec 27, 2012
1 21 is an arbitrary number, when I was a kid 18 was the number. If you are so hung up on the age and not the maturity of the drinker, you have it all wrong.

2 So your also a male and your partners parents have photos of their son with a woman and none with you. Hmmmm wonder why????

3 Pot Heads Anonymous...LOL!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#5 Dec 27, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
I do think it's strange and insensitive.
So if we've been dating for a while and I finally bring you over to my parents house, and you see a photo up on the mantle of me and my former girlfriend that was taken at a wedding three years ago, that would bother you?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Dec 27, 2012
LW1: "you just have to say -- to everyone -- "I'm sorry, but we don't allow underage drinking here." It should not be a big deal."

She certainly does have that right.

"If they think you're a prude or a hypocrite, so what?"
That's exactly why she's writing the letter. She wants to lay down the law, but not have anyone think poorly of her.

You have teh right to set rules in your home, but don't expect everyone to like it. Don't be surprised if they their opinion of you changes for the worse. If their parents allow it in their home and you stop them, you WILL be thought of as the prude aunt. So get comfortable with that or pipe down.

"Any parent who believes strongly in "parental rights" would by necessity have to respect your parental right to control what happens in your own home."
WTF? Quit talking from your ass. My right to control what goes on in my home has nothing to do with being a parent.

"If these parents are determined to let their kids drink, they can take them elsewhere and take their chances."
Which is exactly what the LW is hoping for by inviting the whole clan over, right? Dumbass.

LW2: I have photos in my house of friends while on vacation with us. In more than one case, the couple is no longer together. We have not removed the photos because its really not a priority to us and we don't stand in the hallway looking at the photos. Maybe the old parents are the same. They put the pics up and have barely looked or thought about them since. You want them to make it a priority, talk to your "partner".

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Dec 27, 2012
L1: Wow. I agree with Amy!

L2: Dump your boyfriend and find some virgin to date.(I think it's weird for the parents to do this, however. It's not the norm in my circles.)

L3: Drugs aren't for everyone.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Dec 27, 2012
RACE wrote:
2 So your also a male and your partners parents have photos of their son with a woman and none with you. Hmmmm wonder why????
Hah! I was thinking the same thing afte I wrote my response. I don't know any hetero's who use the word partner. No matter the age, its bf or gf.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Dec 27, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
L2: Whether or not kids resulted in that marriage is huge. If yes, the pictures are there because of them and they're staying. If not, I do think it's strange and insensitive. In fact, if I were the partner I'd ask my own parents to take them down. Unless the whole family is people who just don't notice/think of that stuff.
ITA. My parents took down my wedding photos when I told them about the divorce. maybe not immediately, but at least by the time I next visited them, the pictures were gone.

to leave them up seems odd to me.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#10 Dec 27, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
So if we've been dating for a while and I finally bring you over to my parents house, and you see a photo up on the mantle of me and my former girlfriend that was taken at a wedding three years ago, that would bother you?
Not necessarily, but the LW said the divorce was not amicable. I think it's insensitive to their own kid that they leave the pictures up.
:)

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#11 Dec 27, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
ITA. My parents took down my wedding photos when I told them about the divorce. maybe not immediately, but at least by the time I next visited them, the pictures were gone.
to leave them up seems odd to me.
Mine did too, and I'm glad we didn't have to have a conversation about it. They were just gone.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Dec 27, 2012
Also: I'm ASSUMING that these photos that got mentioned are photos of just the son and his ex, rather than the two of them amid other people. If it's the former, take it down. If it's the latter, I can see why they'd be left up.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#13 Dec 27, 2012
LW1: Your house, your rules. But if you make a big deal of this, you will be remembered as the prude aunt/sister. You need to decide if one glass of hard cider or wine or beer is worth the negative reaction you will get from your sister and her family.

My kid's are still too little to cross this bridge so I may change my tune later, but I think that older children, 18 +, should be able to have a beer in their parent's house if their parent's allow it. I mean, as parents, we know they're gonna try it so we should show them how to be adults about it.

LW2: It's weird, but it's not your house. Point your eyes somewhere else.

LW3: Yeah, OK.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#14 Dec 27, 2012
squishymama wrote:
My kid's are still too little to cross this bridge so I may change my tune later, but I think that older children, 18 +, should be able to have a beer in their parent's house if their parent's allow it.
I think the law allows this too, in certain states.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#15 Dec 27, 2012
FTR: I agree with RACE that the drinking age is more or less just a number, and with squishy, etc. that it's okay for parents to allow their legally-adult children to drink at home. I didn't say all that in my initial response because it sounds like the LW's opinion is "no underage drinking no matter what" and while I don't agree with THAT, I do agree that they have the right to set the rules in their own home.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#16 Dec 27, 2012
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Your house, your rules. But if you make a big deal of this, you will be remembered as the prude aunt/sister. You need to decide if one glass of hard cider or wine or beer is worth the negative reaction you will get from your sister and her family.
My kid's are still too little to cross this bridge so I may change my tune later, but I think that older children, 18 +, should be able to have a beer in their parent's house if their parent's allow it. I mean, as parents, we know they're gonna try it so we should show them how to be adults about it.
This.

There is a BIG difference between allowing your 18+ adult children to have a beer or a glass of wine in you or your family's home and allowing them to get stupid drunk. I wouldn't make a big deal over it, assuming that the parents are responsible drinkers and are attempting to teach their children how to drink responsibly.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#17 Dec 27, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
Not necessarily, but the LW said the divorce was not amicable. I think it's insensitive to their own kid that they leave the pictures up.
:)
Maybe the parents liked the former in law better than the LW.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#18 Dec 27, 2012
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Your house, your rules. But if you make a big deal of this, you will be remembered as the prude aunt/sister. You need to decide if one glass of hard cider or wine or beer is worth the negative reaction you will get from your sister and her family.
My kid's are still too little to cross this bridge so I may change my tune later, but I think that older children, 18 +, should be able to have a beer in their parent's house if their parent's allow it. I mean, as parents, we know they're gonna try it so we should show them how to be adults about it.
LW2: It's weird, but it's not your house. Point your eyes somewhere else.
LW3: Yeah, OK.
This was an issue for me. We served "kid-wine" aka sparkling cider to the kids and did not make a fusss about it. I was not so niaive to think the kids didn't drink, just not at my house. No big deal.

Elder daughter used teh basement as a party room in high school and when she came home from college. She had rules posted on the wall that she wrote.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#19 Dec 27, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
This was an issue for me. We served "kid-wine" aka sparkling cider to the kids and did not make a fusss about it. I was not so niaive to think the kids didn't drink, just not at my house. No big deal.
Elder daughter used teh basement as a party room in high school and when she came home from college. She had rules posted on the wall that she wrote.
Ha! We're still at the stage that kid wine is just grape juice. They'll get the sparkling stuff on NYE.

I think it's the not making a fuss about it that will get results I'm after. I don't want them thinking that alcohol is something taboo and that they have to sneak it or binge on it. I will let them try a sip of been or wine if they ask once they hit 16, if they ask. I want them to go off to college knowing what drinking a couple of beers feels like so they know their limits.

And my friend had a party room too. It's were I learned how to use a bong. Since his parent NEVER set foot down there, we were free to do as we pleased. But that how his folks were; I'm glad to hear that your kid(s) followed your rules. It gives me hope!

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Itasca, IL

#20 Dec 27, 2012
i helped "clean up" after a party my parents had when i was about 3... they realized that htey had to start at least collecting the glasses no matter what hte hour was after that one. then, as i grew older i was offered sips of whatever they had, including the rot gut my dad got one time. i think by doing htat, there was an awful lot that was de-mystified. it wasn't hidden, nor was it 'glorified', so it wasn't a huge thing when i got older.

but, i wasn't left home alone while they went on ttrips until my younger brother was in college, and even then, there was an extensive spy network in place to keep us from trying anything at home.

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