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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Sep 2, 2012
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have dated for almost three years. We plan to be married a year from now. We were close friends for 12 years prior to dating.

Abby, over the last two years, he has developed a bad drinking problem and lost 12 jobs in the last year alone. To his credit, he has been sober for a month now and has accepted a new job. Although I'm happy that he has a new job, I'm also concerned because he will be working in a bar.

I am bringing my daughter into this marriage and am worried that he will revert to drinking, which wouldn't be a good environment for my daughter. When I discussed it with him, he became irate and said I had insulted his job and was calling him a loser. Then he accused me of using him to support myself and my daughter. He said my "true colors" came through when I encouraged him to stay sober.

I am deeply hurt. I don't understand why he would say such a thing. We had discussed this before, and he didn't react this way. The last thing I would ever do is marry someone for money. I have always planned to keep my job after we marry.

He is barely speaking to me now, and I don't understand his anger. Please help.-- DEPRESSED AND ABANDONED IN TEXAS

DEAR DEPRESSED: Your fiance's attempt to turn the tables on you, along with his excessive drinking and inability to hold a job, are indications that he has an out-of-control alcohol problem. It is typical for addicts to be defensive and attempt to put anyone who confronts them in a corner. Do not accept the guilt trip.

It is admirable that he has been sober for a month, but his job in an establishment where alcohol is the prime product is an almost sure road to self-defeat. If someone is serious about surviving such an addiction, the person doesn't place him- or herself in temptation's way.

Encourage your fiance to reinforce his attempt at sobriety by attending AA meetings.(It is listed in the phone book and online.) Then do your part by attending Al-Anon meetings. Meanwhile, put your wedding plans on hold until you're absolutely sure he won't be detrimental to your daughter's -- and your -- future.

DEAR ABBY: We have a cabin on a lake in New England. It is next door to some of our relatives. We've made friends with neighbors on the other side and would like to invite them over for dinner. Our relatives are also friendly with the neighbors. If we invite them for dinner, must we invite the relatives too?-- JUDY ON "GOLDEN POND"

DEAR JUDY: Technically, you don't have to. However, if you have mostly socialized as a "threesome," feelings may be hurt if you suddenly change what has become customary.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are avid readers who sometimes find that we have too many books. Our solution is to donate our excess books to the local USO. We set up a donation box in our church's foyer, and once a month we carry the donated books to one of our city's two USO centers. Service members are encouraged to take them with them as they travel. We have found that there's always room on the bookshelves at the USO.-- TOM IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR TOM: Thank you for a terrific suggestion. I'm sure many readers will appreciate it -- and so will the recipients.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Sep 2, 2012
Lw1. Ultimatum time. He gets help NOW or and your daughter move out. You can be there for him but you can't really *help* him.

Lw2. Sigh. NO.

LW2. In my best tonka voice, what is your question?

Since: Mar 09

Boynton Beach, FL

#3 Sep 2, 2012
L1: Run.

L2: Really? Come on.

L3: How nice. I donated mine to our unofficial lending library at work.

It's really cool, actually. We have a bookshelf in a common area and one guy started bringing in used books and made a little sign: GOTO Library (Give One, Take One). Then other people brought in books and the shelves are packed now. The only downside is that nothing is in any kind of order. My friend M and I toyed with the idea of creating categories or at least alpha by author, but then we realized it would drive us nuts when people didn't follow the rules, so... it is what it is.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#4 Sep 2, 2012
1- What the hell are you doing to this man to drive him to drink like that!?

2- Good God, do whatever you want!

3- Yay? I just throw everything I don't want anymore into one of those donation bins. But now the MS society is sending me bags that I can fill up and call for a pickup. Now I don't even have to leave the house!:-) Time for some spring cleaning.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#5 Sep 2, 2012
1: Sorry, he was like this for 2 years of dating and she still agreed to marry him. She's a moron and he is textbook.
12 jobs in 1 year = loser!
I pity the daughter who already knows stuff is up and sees mom accepting this as the best she deserves. Disgusting.
Oh, and 1 month sober is not to his credit...give me a year and we can talk.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Sep 2, 2012
cheluzal wrote:
1: Sorry, he was like this for 2 years of dating and she still agreed to marry him. She's a moron and he is textbook.
12 jobs in 1 year = loser!
I pity the daughter who already knows stuff is up and sees mom accepting this as the best she deserves. Disgusting.
Oh, and 1 month sober is not to his credit...give me a year and we can talk.
It's

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Sep 2, 2012
Oops I mean ITA

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#8 Sep 2, 2012
As for AA and people in recovery: some of us can own bars; others can never go in 'em. Read pp 101-102 of the Big Book!

LW2 - Your local VA hospital would also be happy to get your books. I took 2 huge tote bags up this past week, and I always let people know any donated books are fair game to take with you when you leave.:-)

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

#9 Sep 2, 2012
cheluzal wrote:
1: Sorry, he was like this for 2 years of dating and she still agreed to marry him. She's a moron and he is textbook.
12 jobs in 1 year = loser!
I pity the daughter who already knows stuff is up and sees mom accepting this as the best she deserves. Disgusting.
Oh, and 1 month sober is not to his credit...give me a year and we can talk.
ITA. And how the H E double hockey sticks did this loser manage to get TWELVE jobs in one year, and then find another one, especially after losing them all, when really good, competent, hard-working, ethical people I know can't even find one simple job????
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#10 Sep 2, 2012
LW3 was supposed to ask: where are more people who can benefit from those books he'd like to share--but he's not such a bad guy.

It's LW1 who is giving Texas the bad name. She should have said, "How dare you" and quit speaking to that male the minute he made that accusation of
her using him--who frequently gets fire--to support her.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#11 Sep 2, 2012
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>
ITA. And how the H E double hockey sticks did this loser manage to get TWELVE jobs in one year, and then find another one, especially after losing them all, when really good, competent, hard-working, ethical people I know can't even find one simple job????
I'm guessing the jobs he's getting aren't the most... prestigious

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

#12 Sep 2, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm guessing the jobs he's getting aren't the most... prestigious
I'm guessing you're probably right!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Sep 2, 2012
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>
ITA. And how the H E double hockey sticks did this loser manage to get TWELVE jobs in one year, and then find another one, especially after losing them all, when really good, competent, hard-working, ethical people I know can't even find one simple job????
Because they won't take one "beneath" them or they need to change careers totally because it's in an area that doesn't have many jobs. Sometimes you have to work yourself back up again. This guy probably worked at fast food places, restaurants and, of course, a bar. There's nothing wrong with that (except the bar thing when you're an alcoholic). Some people could not support themselves on that type of job, however. And I don't really know so I made the whole thing up but it sounds plausible.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#14 Sep 2, 2012
boundary painter wrote:
It's LW1 who is giving Texas the bad name. She should have said, "How dare you" and quit speaking to that male the minute he made that accusation of
her using him--who frequently gets fire--to support her.
The proud Texan women that I know would have tied his personal parts in a knot at that remark.

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

#15 Sep 2, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Because they won't take one "beneath" them or they need to change careers totally because it's in an area that doesn't have many jobs. Sometimes you have to work yourself back up again. This guy probably worked at fast food places, restaurants and, of course, a bar. There's nothing wrong with that (except the bar thing when you're an alcoholic). Some people could not support themselves on that type of job, however. And I don't really know so I made the whole thing up but it sounds plausible.
That's not really true that they won't "take one beneath them." It's very hard to get lesser-paying or minimum wage jobs when you've been a professional or had higher-level jobs. They don't want to take a chance on you because you're "overqualified", and they think you will bolt the minute a better job comes along, never mind that you're willing to work hard if given the chance no matter what the job.

And it's getting just as hard to get a service or retail job nowadays, much more so than it used to be, especially since they can basically take their pick of applicants. There are often hundreds of applications for even minimum wage jobs now. And don't even get me started on the fact that many employers now won't even consider you if you've been unemployed for more than six months, never mind the crummy job market or the fact that you aren't given a chance on lower-level jobs.

That's certainly not to say that there aren't people who have a vastly-inflated sense of their worth or whose egos won't let them take jobs they may consider "beneath" them. There are. They just are by no means the majority.

Since: Mar 09

Boynton Beach, FL

#16 Sep 2, 2012
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not really true that they won't "take one beneath them." It's very hard to get lesser-paying or minimum wage jobs when you've been a professional or had higher-level jobs. They don't want to take a chance on you because you're "overqualified", and they think you will bolt the minute a better job comes along, never mind that you're willing to work hard if given the chance no matter what the job.
And it's getting just as hard to get a service or retail job nowadays, much more so than it used to be, especially since they can basically take their pick of applicants. There are often hundreds of applications for even minimum wage jobs now. And don't even get me started on the fact that many employers now won't even consider you if you've been unemployed for more than six months, never mind the crummy job market or the fact that you aren't given a chance on lower-level jobs.
That's certainly not to say that there aren't people who have a vastly-inflated sense of their worth or whose egos won't let them take jobs they may consider "beneath" them. There are. They just are by no means the majority.
This.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 Sep 2, 2012
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not really true that they won't "take one beneath them." It's very hard to get lesser-paying or minimum wage jobs when you've been a professional or had higher-level jobs. They don't want to take a chance on you because you're "overqualified", and they think you will bolt the minute a better job comes along, never mind that you're willing to work hard if given the chance no matter what the job.
And it's getting just as hard to get a service or retail job nowadays, much more so than it used to be, especially since they can basically take their pick of applicants. There are often hundreds of applications for even minimum wage jobs now. And don't even get me started on the fact that many employers now won't even consider you if you've been unemployed for more than six months, never mind the crummy job market or the fact that you aren't given a chance on lower-level jobs.
That's certainly not to say that there aren't people who have a vastly-inflated sense of their worth or whose egos won't let them take jobs they may consider "beneath" them. There are. They just are by no means the majority.
The places around here that have hiring signs on the window ( and there are a lot of them fwiw, including corporate places like TJ Maxx and Cost Plus World Market) are looking for part timers and don't pay much more than about $10-12 per hour. That is supplemental income but would be hard to live on. And taking that would screw up getting unemployment benefits

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#18 Sep 2, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
The places around here that have hiring signs on the window ( and there are a lot of them fwiw, including corporate places like TJ Maxx and Cost Plus World Market) are looking for part timers and don't pay much more than about $10-12 per hour. That is supplemental income but would be hard to live on. And taking that would screw up getting unemployment benefits
Don't know about other states but...
in Oregon you may earn up to 1/3 of your benefit amount without losing any part of your benefit payment. Any amount over that is deducted from your benefit for that week. That is based on the gross earnings, not net.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#19 Sep 2, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm guessing the jobs he's getting aren't the most... prestigious
Right?
Jobs that have high turnover and rarely to never check references--jobs that do not require a resume, lol.

He sounds like a winner...she should snag him up.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#20 Sep 2, 2012
She never says how is with her daughter. I assume that means he isn't much of a father figure.

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