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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Feb 28, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 45 years is having an online affair with a man who is a former business client. I found out when she inadvertently left an email message open on her laptop. Her phone records confirm daily long-distance conversations, as well. Although I know they have never met personally, they plan to meet during a weekend convention at a hotel in his hometown next month.

Despite problems in our marriage, neither of us has strayed, and I'm confident she doesn't want to lose me nor do I want to lose her. My dilemma is whether to tell her I know what's going on prior to her trip, or confront her when she returns with pictures taken by a private investigator. I can't let her betrayal continue.-- CONFLICTED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFLICTED: Tell her sooner rather than later, so she can cancel her trip to the convention. If she's willing to do that and work on repairing your marriage, there is a chance that your problems are fixable. If she isn't, then face it -- your stressed marriage is over. Photos from a private investigator are beside the point. The email you read is proof enough.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, my friend went to a wake and told me the person in the casket was holding a fork. My friend told me there is a story behind this custom. Can you tell me what it is?-- DAILY READER IN WEST PALM BEACH, FLA.

DEAR DAILY READER: The story, titled "Keep Your Fork," has been widely shared on the Internet. It appeared in "A Third Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul" and was authored by Roger William Thomas.

It concerns a young woman who had been given only a short time to live, and who instructed her pastor that she would like to be buried with a fork in her right hand. She went on to say, "In all my years of attending church potluck dinners, when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would say,'Keep your fork.'"

She said the main course was her favorite part of the meal because she knew "something better was coming ... something wonderful, and with substance." What she wanted was to convey to her loved ones at her funeral her belief that something better was to come.

DEAR ABBY: I have reconnected with my high school sweetheart. We plan to be married late this summer. My problem is she wants to keep her ex-husband's name as her middle name for the sake of her kids.

I feel she shouldn't have another man's name if she's married to someone else. I have explained that it upsets me, but she doesn't care. What are your thoughts?-- TRADITIONAL MAN

DEAR TRADITIONAL: I think her reason for wanting to retain her married name (and probably hyphenate it with yours) is a valid one. It will prevent confusion for her children at school.

However, one line in your letter concerns me. It's the one in which you say it upsets you, "but she doesn't care." If she didn't care about you, she wouldn't be marrying you. But her children MUST come first, and unless you can accept that fact, you shouldn't marry her.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Feb 28, 2014
2- Don't bury people with a fork in their hand! When the zombie apocalypse happens, they'll be armed!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Feb 28, 2014
1 Yeah, bash the man it's alway...Oh, wait..
Ahhhhh, but no women bashing either is there.....

2 Nice story, but still wonky

3 Sorry dude, but you gotta let your wife be her own person yanno? Afraid all the other guys down at the filling station will laugh at you?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Feb 28, 2014
And again with people just arbitrarily changing their name when they get married. That's it, when I get married, I'm going by Captain Zoidutheous Maxburgersmith

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Feb 28, 2014
1.I get fidelity and all that but somehow this situation seems trivial compared to a 45 year marriage. You are looking to pick a fight.

If this is your general attitude, I am not surprised she is talking to other people including, gasp, men. What are you going to do if your private investigator finds that they just have dinner together or he brings his wife?

If you are married 45 years sh is at least 65 and you are the same. Take a look in the mirror, get some Viagra and woo her. Incumbents always have an advantage. If you split, she'll get half and your Social Security too. Who wins there?

3.She is keeping it as a middle name not her last name. Sounds like maybe you haven't progressed out of high school yet, yanno.(I miss Mimi)
Cass

Claremont, CA

#6 Feb 28, 2014
LW1 - When I read something like "my spouse of [more years than I, middle-aged Cass, have been alive] is having an affair," I cringe a bit. Old people having affairs just seems icky.

LW2 - What the fork? Weird things like wakes and burying people with all kinds of odd stuff in the coffin is one of the reasons I think cremation is the way to go.

LW3 - Team PEllen.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Feb 28, 2014
PEllen wrote:
1.I get fidelity and all that but somehow this situation seems trivial compared to a 45 year marriage. You are looking to pick a fight.
If this is your general attitude, I am not surprised she is talking to other people including, gasp, men. What are you going to do if your private investigator finds that they just have dinner together or he brings his wife?
If you are married 45 years sh is at least 65 and you are the same. Take a look in the mirror, get some Viagra and woo her. Incumbents always have an advantage. If you split, she'll get half and your Social Security too. Who wins there?
An online affair with a man she plans on meeting up with next month seems trivial?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Feb 28, 2014
LW1: Iíd say something before she goes Ö along the lines of take all your shyte with you when you go away on your trip and donít come back.

LW3: Too much emphasis on form over substance. Iím not sure what keeping it as her middle name accomplishes, seeing as how her kids are still going to have a different last name than her, I think you are being ridiculous to make such a huge production out of this. You found some one you love enough to want to marry, and instead of focusing on that and your future life together you are obsessing over one detail.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Feb 28, 2014
LW1: If you care at all about saving your marriage, you will talk to her about what you know before she goes.

LW2: I get that this is supposed to be a reminder for the living that the deceased believes they've gone on to a better place, but it seems kinda weird. But whatever...

LW3: This is really not the big deal you're making it out to be and her reasoning is for doing this is sound. Maybe come to an agreement that after the children are out of the house, she'll drop that part of the name.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#10 Feb 28, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW1 - When I read something like "my spouse of [more years than I, middle-aged Cass, have been alive] is having an affair," I cringe a bit. Old people having affairs just seems icky.
LW2 - What the fork? Weird things like wakes and burying people with all kinds of odd stuff in the coffin is one of the reasons I think cremation is the way to go.
LW3 - Team PEllen.
LW1: Seems like most of the people writing to advice columnists about their husbands/wives having affairs are older. I think it's icky at any age. I am scratching my head as to why LW would waste money on a PI when he has already seen phone records and emails. Dude, you know what's going on. What you do now is tell her what you know and figure out what you are going to do about it.

LW2: My aunt was buried in her favorite nightgown, robe, and slippers. That's what she wanted. She said that she thought it was ridiculous to be buried in your best daytime clothes. To her way of thinking, she was going to sleep for a long time. I say whatever the deceased wants, goes.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Feb 28, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>LW2: I say whatever the deceased wants, goes.
What if they are a nudist and want to be naked, with an open coffin?

<cringe>

Bwahahahahaha!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#12 Feb 28, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
What if they are a nudist and want to be naked, with an open coffin?
<cringe>
Bwahahahahaha!
For my wake I'm gonna request that not only am I naked, but a naked stripper will lay on top of me
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#13 Feb 28, 2014
I don't see why LW1 doesn't say he'd love to go on that trip and accompany her, even if he has to buy his own ticket. And if he speaks friendly to that man, what does he have to lose?(At least, he'd get a
break away out of this situation.)
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#14 Feb 28, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
What if they are a nudist and want to be naked, with an open coffin?
<cringe>
Bwahahahahaha!
A stiff with a stiffie? Bwahahahahaha!
pde

Bothell, WA

#15 Feb 28, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
Dude, you know what's going on. What you do now is tell her what you know and figure out what you are going to do about it.
That is what is making wonder if there's a degree of paranoia involved here. Yes, I believe the wife has struck up what is possibly an inappropriately intimate friendship with another man and she's organized a meet-up with him on her next business trip. For all we know, none of what he found implied any sort of intention of a sexual hookup, and that may not be the purpose of the meetup. But he's paranoid it is, realizes that it's paranoia to a degree, so is thinking about the whole PI thing. I wonder what will happen if the PI returns with pictures of his wife meeting the guy for dinner in a public restaurant, talking with him for a few hours, and then going back to her hotel room alone.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#16 Feb 28, 2014
not a ghost wrote:
I don't see why LW1 doesn't say he'd love to go on that trip and accompany her, even if he has to buy his own ticket. And if he speaks friendly to that man, what does he have to lose?(At least, he'd get a
break away out of this situation.)
Good idea. This was even a Simpsons episode. Homer had a work crush and went on a convention with her. In the end, he brought Marge to join him.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#17 Feb 28, 2014
1: Uncool. Why do people do this? It's like they intentionally sabotage their marriage. Talking can get out of hand, but planning a meeting is deliberate and sneaky.

2: My bro was buried with a pic of his daughters. My SIL is Mexican and her mom was scared my nieces' souls would be trapped. My youngest asked me about it, and I told her since my mom put it in there, that superstition didn't count/work.

3: It will prevent confusion at school? I certainly do not know the middle names of any of my students' parents! LOL
Which actually makes her reasoning pretty stupid, but with kids, it's fine. Had she now kids, he should worry...
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#18 Feb 28, 2014
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
That is what is making wonder if there's a degree of paranoia involved here. Yes, I believe the wife has struck up what is possibly an inappropriately intimate friendship with another man and she's organized a meet-up with him on her next business trip. For all we know, none of what he found implied any sort of intention of a sexual hookup, and that may not be the purpose of the meetup. But he's paranoid it is, realizes that it's paranoia to a degree, so is thinking about the whole PI thing. I wonder what will happen if the PI returns with pictures of his wife meeting the guy for dinner in a public restaurant, talking with him for a few hours, and then going back to her hotel room alone.
Yes, and how much $$$$ per hour is he going to pay a PI to follow his wife around? And how upset would she be if she found out that he hired someone to spy on her if they were just planning to have dinner? He can just handle this himself, right now. And I definitely think he should arrange to go on the business trip with her and meet this guy.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#19 Mar 1, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
LW1: Seems like most of the people writing to advice columnists about their husbands/wives having affairs are older. I think it's icky at any age.
Cheaters are reprehensible at any age, but 45 years of marriage puts an image of a 60-something woman cheating on her husband into my head. Yech. Yes, I am apparently ageist, but the idea of a wrinkly post-menopause *affair* raises not only moral, but also physical hackles for me. I am not trying to say that people in their 60s should give up on sex, but when it is in a long-term committed relationship, there is more than lust there, I think. In an affair, that's just lust, and I can't see anything to lust for in a 60-something person without love.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#20 Mar 2, 2014
wait till you turn 58...
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
Cheaters are reprehensible at any age, but 45 years of marriage puts an image of a 60-something woman cheating on her husband into my head. Yech. Yes, I am apparently ageist, but the idea of a wrinkly post-menopause *affair* raises not only moral, but also physical hackles for me. I am not trying to say that people in their 60s should give up on sex, but when it is in a long-term committed relationship, there is more than lust there, I think. In an affair, that's just lust, and I can't see anything to lust for in a 60-something person without love.

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