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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Oct 22, 2013
DEAR AMY: I have been married to the love of my life now for almost five years. When we were dating, we both expressed a desire to have children. After we got married, we got two dogs that fulfill my needs. I no longer want children. I am content with our life.

My wife still wants children. Should I agree to have children to satisfy her need for motherhood and fulfill an unspoken promise? She got married with the understanding that children would be part of the equation. I know this upsets her, and understandably so.

I feel that if I agree to have children I will be miserable and regretful for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I am heartbroken that she is so upset over the matter. How can we resolve this?-- Unsure in Anchorage

DEAR UNSURE: When you feel your life is perfect as it is, it is common -- and rational -- to want things to stay exactly as they are.

One reason having pets is so fulfilling is because, unlike children, they don't grow up and present mysterious and ever-changing challenges. But ask yourself: Before you got your dogs, did you know how having them would affect you? Did you know how much you would grow to love them?

Nobody knows for sure how having a baby will affect them; for many women, the human biological drive to have children overrides this anxiety.

You should talk to other men about this; listen as they describe their experience of fatherhood. Watch the excellent television show "Parenthood," which portrays the ups and downs and chaotic imponderables and rewards of having children.

You and your wife should also seek professional (and/or clergy) counseling. If you do the work of trying to imagine your life with a child and still decide against it, you should be honest with her; she will then have a tough choice to make.

DEAR AMY: I lost my left leg below the knee more than 20 years ago. Now that my husband has died, I've been thinking of re-entering the dating world.

How would I bring up my disability to a date? My friends tell me not to tell them until an intimate situation arises, and I can visualize the man running from the room and being completely humiliated.

Some of my friends say to be open and honest at the beginning and bring up the disability immediately.

I feel if a man asked me out and I brought up my amputation, he would make some excuse to get out of it. I'm in my early 50s and feel I have few dating years left but am insecure about my leg.

What do you suggest?-- One-Legged Lady

DEAR LADY: I have news for you: We are all amputees of one kind or another. Some of us have had our hearts broken; we have illnesses, anxieties, painful pasts or fears for the future.

None of this is appropriate "first date" material. Dating should be all about getting to know a person, but not at warp speed. There should be a gradual unfolding as you speak your truth. I assure you, if someone develops deep feelings for you, your amputation is not going to matter. But this should not be held as a deep dark secret, to be revealed in the bedroom. I think this is an approximately fifth-date revelation.

DEAR AMY: The letter from "Old-fashioned Aunt," who was dismayed her wedding gift check was cashed so quickly, reminded me of a lesson I learned when I was involved in a fundraising event: Never let a donor get the canceled check before he or she gets a thank-you note from you.

I found it was a great way to stay on the right path as far as getting thank-yous out and not putting them off, and people were pleased and appreciative enough that I could usually count on them for a donation again the following year.-- Maureen in Belgrade Lakes, Maine

DEAR MAUREEN: Excellent advice. Thank you for passing it along.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Oct 22, 2013
1- "if I agree to have children I will be miserable and regretful for the rest of my life."

While your feelings might change as soon as you first see this bundle of joy, if this is how you truly feel, DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!

2- Wasn't this the plot line of Deuce Bigalow?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Oct 22, 2013
1 Having kids will not make you miserable unless you are a terrible father. And forget the advise about watching a television show, how stupid does she think you are?

2 If you are online, you should disclose it in your profile, if not then you should make mention as soon as the guy looks at you funny.

And NO AMY we are not all amputees! What a horrible thing to say!

3 Or you could just say that a gift is a gift and should not expect reciprocation. Unless you gave the gift to you future wife who later dumps you for her physical trainer. Those gifts should be returned.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Oct 22, 2013
1. This is a deal breaker. Do you wife the honor of telling her soon and agreeing to an annulment or divorce. One of you will be resentful and angry. Get out now while she is still young enough to find someone who lives up to the agreement he makes before marriage.

2.for most women amputees I have met, it is pretty clear when you meet them in person. If you are in your early 50's you remember gushing over the Beatles. Paul McCartney's second wife was an amputee. If it was good enough for Paul...

3. Nice sentiment but an undeposited check is at risk for being lost or misplaced especially if teh couple is going on a honeymoon right after the wedding.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#5 Oct 22, 2013
L1. You are probably right.
I think you would make a lousy parent too.
liner

Patchogue, NY

#6 Oct 22, 2013
L3: If you gave them cash, would you expect them to not spend it for a "respectful" period? Stupid letter.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Oct 22, 2013
LW1: Sorry, dude. You knew the deal going into marriage. So be a grown adult about it. Nothing can ruin your life, unless you let it.

Do you think you will always get your way in life? Doubt it. Life has all sorts of surprises in store for you. The strong persevere and live a happy life, regardless. The weak crumble and wallow in their self-pity.

LW2: 2nd date.

LW3: I don't understand why anyone would dwell on when a check they wrote was cashed so quickly.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#8 Oct 22, 2013
LW1: He needs to let his wife know and they wil prbably need to split up. They want different things. People change, but it's not fair to expect everyone to chenge THEIR lives because of it. Give the wife a chance to find someone new.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Oct 22, 2013
I agree with Pellen on all three.

On LW1, the guy might find that it was really a child he wanted all along but I wouldn't want to bet a little life on it.

L2, she must have a really good prosthetic. If you can't tell right off, either work it into the convo or wait until date 2.

I wouldn't care if someone cashed the check before I got a thank you. Those could get lost. A gift is a gift. Yes, thank you cards are proper and nice but I don't hinge my gift giving on getting them.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Oct 22, 2013
Thank you PEllen for doing my work for me.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#11 Oct 22, 2013
L1: Did Amy really just suggest watching a TV show to get an accurate portrayal of parenthood? <facepalm>

L2: And apparently Amy checked Dating as an Amputee for Dummies and came up with the 5th date as being the perfect time. I'm with you guys, it's more like 2nd date material.

L3: Some people just need something to feel put out about.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#12 Oct 22, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Sorry, dude. You knew the deal going into marriage. So be a grown adult about it. Nothing can ruin your life, unless you let it.
.
Yes, because if anyone should be forced into parenthood, it should be someone who is unsure about being a parent.

Dude, seriously??

We're not talking about a motorcycle purchase or a pet, we're talking about bringing a CHILD into the world!

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#13 Oct 22, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, because if anyone should be forced into parenthood, it should be someone who is unsure about being a parent.
Dude, seriously??
We're not talking about a motorcycle purchase or a pet, we're talking about bringing a CHILD into the world!
Most of the time you have your head in a small dark place, but when you get it right, you really get it right.
This is one of those times.
You are 100% spot on.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#14 Oct 22, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, because if anyone should be forced into parenthood, it should be someone who is unsure about being a parent.
Dude, seriously??
We're not talking about a motorcycle purchase or a pet, we're talking about bringing a CHILD into the world!
Nobody forced him into parenthood. He agreed to parenthood when he married her. Sheís the love of his life. You donít give up the love of your life because you changed your mind about children Ö after agreeing to have them before you married.

Youíve probably never experienced reciprocated true love and donít even understand what that is like. Itís not a motorcycle you just get rid of or a pet you take to the pound when you arenít getting along. IF you truly love a woman, you will make some sacrifices for her. In this case, I donít really see it being a sacrifice, even Ö to basically be a man of your word.

If he can't be an adult and overcome his self-absorption, then he shouldn't have kids and she should rightfully leave him. And he should also acknowledge that he's a complete dooosh and apologize profusely for being a self-absorbed d' head.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Oct 22, 2013
I don't want anymore kids. REally, really, really don't want anymore kids. I'm content with life. Yet if my wife became prego again somehow, I would manage. I'm an adult. I can deal with whatever life throws my way. It's the only choice I have, as I see it.

It's not so different than say when you are a parent and your 15 year old daughter gets pregnant. Is that what you wanted; nope? It kind of sucks, but do you not love the child? Do you not help raise it? Do you let it ruin your life? No you donít do those things. I donít see this situation as all that different.

Unless you are a complete monster or have mental issues, you step up to the plate, and you do whatís right. He doesn't sound like a monster. He sounds self-absorbed. That can be overcome.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Oct 22, 2013
I think the key question, he must ask is, will he be able to love the child. Not whether he wants the child or not.

I think a lot of pregnancies if not most pregnancies are unplanned. My mom did not want to get pregnant when she was 18. I know for a fact that she didn't want to get pregnant with me and I was the last of her children. I know my wife didn't even want to tell me she was pregnant for the 3rd time in a little more than 3 years. Had she not gotten pregnant the 3rd time, I'm pretty sure we would have only had 2 kids.

I don't think that sort of thing is abnormal ... folks having kids when they don't want to have them. I think the vast majority of folks step up to the plate, however, and I think when all is said and done the vast majority wouldn't change a thing.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#17 Oct 22, 2013
LW1: I ran into a couple that I knew in high school a few years back. They were unsure if they wanted to raise children, so they decided to become foster parents for children who needed short-term living arrangements. I wouldn't suggest that for LW, but I think he needs to get an idea of what interacting with children is like so that he can make a solid decision and not keep his wife hanging on to hope. Maybe he can babysit his sibling's kids for a weekend, or volunteer at a school, or coach sports. I don't think he should become a father if he truly doesn't have it in him to be a good parent.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#18 Oct 22, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
If he can't be an adult and overcome his self-absorption, then he shouldn't have kids and she should rightfully leave him. And he should also acknowledge that he's a complete dooosh and apologize profusely for being a self-absorbed d' head.
You are so bass akwards. I say he IS being an adult and so NOT self absorbed by realizing he doesn't want the responsibility of fatherhood.

We've seen letters where it was the woman who changed her mind. I don't recall you suggesting she quit being a dooosh and get knocked up anyway. Seriously, you need to listen to yourself.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#19 Oct 22, 2013
PEllen wrote:
2.for most women amputees I have met, it is pretty clear when you meet them in person. If you are in your early 50's you remember gushing over the Beatles. Paul McCartney's second wife was an amputee. If it was good enough for Paul...
(Sung to the tune of "Bungalow Bill"):

Hey, one-legged chick
Your one leg's a stick
One-legged chick
Hey, one legged girl
So easy to twirl,
My one-legged girl
...
I can't be sure but I'd be willing to take a cha-a-ance,
It takes just half as long to get into your pa-a-ants,
I'll always be the one to lead us when we dance...
...
Everybody,
Hey, one-legged chick
Your one leg's a stick
One-legged chick
Hey, one-legged girl,
So easy to twirl,
My one-legged girl
...
We'll stick a plunger on the end of it and the-e-en
We'll see if you can walk up walls just like Bat Ma-a-an
We'll enter and win every three-legged race we can...
(I love the name Eileen!)
...
Hey, one-legged chick
One leg's a stick
One-legged chick
Hey, one-legged girl
So easy to twirl,
My one-legged girl!

(Can't believe I remembered that!)

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#20 Oct 22, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
You are so bass akwards. I say he IS being an adult and so NOT self absorbed by realizing he doesn't want the responsibility of fatherhood.
We've seen letters where it was the woman who changed her mind. I don't recall you suggesting she quit being a dooosh and get knocked up anyway. Seriously, you need to listen to yourself.
I agree with you, dog. There's nothing worse than a child who does not feel wanted.

Of course things happen beyond your control when you're married and you do need to step up to the plate when they do. However, if you can stop it before it happens, then you should. If someone knows their 15 year old is sexually active, you don't wait until they show up prego. I smart parent would talk to them about birth control, make things available and do what they can.

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